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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being irrational about not so DH?

144 replies

Frankola · 29/12/2020 18:14

I'm absolutely boiling angry and hurt and I have no idea if I'm being irrational or not - I need your help!

I have had a friend - let's call her J - for 5 years. We are really close, our kids have grown up together and we spend a lot of time together.

J is very pretty, however, she likes people to tell her she is pretty, alot. She initiates conversations all that time that encourage people to tell her she is attractive.

This often extends to her friends husbands. She private messages quite a lot of them and sends photos on Snapchat of her in bikinis, gym gear etc. This has actually caused a number of arguments in the group between some of the wives and their husbands.

About 6 months ago I saw a message thread on my dhs phone from her. In these messages he had said something like "I missed you today", from when he had been somewhere with the group and she hadn't been there.

I won't sugar coat it, I hit the roof about this. I told him he was behaving like an absolute mug, fawning over her when she has done the same thing to a number of the husbands and caused arguments. I asked dh if he had feelings for her and he said no. I told him I won't stand for any more inappropriate messages in future.

Fast forward to this week. We had been on a socially distanced visit with them to another friends garden. When we got home it was late and I went up to bed. Dh stayed downstairs.

I have found out that he messaged J again. He initiated it. All he says is he asked her if she had a good night but apparently can't remember the rest of the conversation and conveniently he has deleted it from his phone.

We have had a huge argument again. I have told him I'm disgusted that he has so little regard for my feelings that he would rather mesaage her and cause me hurt and upset.

I'm also concerned as to why he just can't stop messaging her when he knows the trouble it causes in our marriage.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable? Should I stop being jealous or worried?

OP posts:
Quacks2020 · 29/12/2020 20:24

I'm honestly struggling to read this without feeling so angry for you!!, and I dont know you.
The fact you're even second guessing yourself is shocking. And shows you are not the usual jealous type.
If my DP had messaged my friend saying he missed her it would be game over. He is trying to initiate an affair and she is teasing him. Whether she has motives to start an affair or not she has bad intentions.
He is desperate for her. They all sound the same. I would end it over that basis alone.
As for your 'friend', I would also hit the roof with her. For not telling you he messaged you saying he missed her and the fact she found it inappropriate, or after that incident completely removing him for snapchat and stop talking to him. Telling him shes your friend and it's not ok.
If you and your husband want to work this out then you need to cut this woman out your life. My opinion is you cant stop anyone from cheating. If he wants to he will find a way.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 29/12/2020 20:28

It's extremely tempting to message her, but that would feed into the "jealous harpy" narrative that she is relying on to defend her position, the plausible deniability that she's so innocently sexy and you just hate attractive women. The only person who should be telling her to back off is your husband. If he won't, and you fear an affair, there is a problem. It's entirely down to him to safeguard what he has with you. What does he say when you confront him? Make it clear that you're not going to accept any bullshit false narrative that they are innocent and don't understand what they're doing, and that you're the bad guy for being so bitchy and jealous. Tell him you're not stupid enough to accept that misogynistic trope and you know he's not either, so he isn't to try to insult you with it. He knows the score, you know the score, he's the one who made a promise to you so what is he going to do about it?

I saw a reaction video recently of a man who had only ever listened to rap, hip hop and R&B, listening to Jolene for the first time. He said something along the lines of, "If you have to have this conversation with Jolene, I think you need a new man." I'm inclined to agree.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2020 20:30

OP, you are not reading into it - she's a sleaze.
Stop this "friendship" - it's really not how friends behave.
Block her - and if your DH continues... time to dump him.

Badwill · 29/12/2020 20:31

How old are you all? I can't imagine a world where any of my married friends send "snaps" of themselves in their underwear to other men?? It simply wouldn't happen - well not without marriages ending anyway. This is so bizarre!

ultrababy · 29/12/2020 20:33

I had a ‘friend’ like that. I always had an uneasy feeling that maybe he had always wanted him. They knew each other before I came on the scene. Then I realised that she had this need to be desired by all the husbands and just to know she could have them if he wanted them.
She was single and went from one disaster to another relationshipwise.
She would want to show my DP her new haircut, discuss her business venture with him.
The deciding factor was when one of the other husbands accused her of coming on to her and she said to me ‘you know I wouldn’t do that’ I knew immediately she would.
I distanced myself and feel so much better. She’s stupid. I pity her.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 29/12/2020 20:36

What phone does he have? I think there's a way of restoring deleted messages? I've seen others advise on it on here before.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/12/2020 20:43

She doesn't sound much of a friend. He also sounds a pretty poor husband.

Summersun2020 · 29/12/2020 20:44

OP I wouldn’t worry about it becoming an affair, she isn’t interested in a relationship, just an ego boost. That being said, if still ditch her and tell her exactly why-she sounds like a vile attention seeking bitch, with no respect or regard for anyone else’s marriage.
Equally, your husband is showing you zero respect at the moment- he’s playing right into her hands and it’s pathetic. This isn’t the first time he’s done so, and i would honestly be having a serious think about my relationship at this points
Flowers to you...please know this is no reflection on you at all, but speaks volumes about both of them and their pathetic egos.

livefornaps · 29/12/2020 20:48

He's a grubby worm and she's a dirty slapper.

Kick him out and tell him to watch out for crabs

MiriamMargo · 29/12/2020 20:48

OMG, how on earth do you call this witch your friend, seriously, I cant even bother to give you any advice.

Original poster
Frankola · 29/12/2020 20:50

I agree that my bigger issue lies with dh.

He is the one who made a commitment to me, and who has broken my trust by getting drawn in to this rubbish.

He has a lot of grovelling to do.

@relaisblu sorry I was rambling a bit. I dont think she would do anything but now I'm concerned he would be stupid/weak/get suckered in too much (maybe an emotional affair?)

OP posts:
livefornaps · 29/12/2020 20:50

Just message her with all your friends in the group message (so that she doesn't go running to them with a "sob story") and just say "oy, xxx we're on to you, stop wafting yer smelly fanny under our dumbass husbands' noses."

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 29/12/2020 20:51

Those saying it's not the friend - it is. She's sending these snaps specifically to these men. She's targeting them for a reaction. That's shitty behaviour from a friend and shitty behaviour from a married woman. So she's shitting on her own marriage and her friendships at the same time. Just because it's partly her doesn't mean OP's DH is blameless, but she's not innocent here.

I'd be incandescent if my DH responded with anything other than 'I'm not interested in your leg/gym wear/pouty face, this is inappropriate, off you fuck, love'. And if he'd deleted messages from a late night conversation he'd instigated, I'd be mad as hell too, because you end up concluding it's worst case scenario and he must've known he needed to hide whatever he said. Consciousness of guilt, in my opinion.

I'd want to do what salti suggested, I would absolutely throw that grenade into the friendship group. And then I'd find new friends if I had to. The innocent eyelash-fluttering from her, the husband who likes to show her off, and the married men getting all hot under the collar is just a huge pile of ick. The whole thing sounds like a mess. Sorry OP.

livefornaps · 29/12/2020 20:51

A short, sharp, shock is what I'm getting at.

NaturesEnd · 29/12/2020 20:53

Sounds like some weird fetish thing, bet her husband gets off on it too.

pepsicolagirl · 29/12/2020 20:53

She's not your friend by a long shot and he deleted the conversation

Get rid of both

ThirstyGhost · 29/12/2020 20:54

Why are you friends with someone so shallow? Seriously, I'd have binned her when she first started up with this photo shite. Get rid. I wouldn't be mates with someone with a "trophy wife" either. They both sound beyond awful.

Your DH's reaction is another, separate problem. I don't like the sound of how he's so obviously encouraged her. You have two problems here, but the first one is easily solved.

1Morewineplease · 29/12/2020 20:55

You know what she's like and she's wreaking havoc with menfolk who are already attached.
Why are you her friend? She has now got between you and your partner.
You have allowed this.
She needs to be removed from your friendship circle and blocked from both of your social media.
Trouble is, I think you're too late and clearly your partner is open to suggestive communications.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/12/2020 21:02

Honestly you all (the whole friendship group) sound like absolute mugs for allowing a woman to keep doing this and for putting up with your husbands behaving like this. Why are you all still friends with someone who behaves this way, and why have all these husbands/partners been forgiven?

VetiverAndLavender · 29/12/2020 21:03

Your husband is being an idiot. Does he not realise that he's risking his marriage for the sake of light flirtation? (Or is it more than that to him?) If I were in your place, this would be cause for serious concern, long conversations, and possibly even splitting up, if he can't control his impulses to contact her when you've already made it clear that it's not acceptable.

As for the "friend", I can't understand why anyone in "the group" would keep her in their lives. Sending suggestive photos to husbands of her friends is playing with fire. She knows what she's doing. I'd have cut her out long ago, even if that meant losing the whole group of friends. I've no patience for that kind of shitty behaviour.

FortunesFave · 29/12/2020 21:05

Ok. There was a woman like this in my friendship group and she did end up having an affair with my friend's husband.

She got obsessed with him and left her own husband when it came out. She turned up at my friend's house at night repeatedly, shouting up at the windows etc.

My friend left her husband and went back.

This woman was just as you describe....I think personally, that she has a personality disorder.

Watch out.

Skyline24 · 29/12/2020 21:05

Two things here which I think everyone has pointed out:
1- your friend is that self centred that she has no consideration of the impact this is having on your marriage and quite frankly I would cut her out of my life. She is obviously unhappy and bored in her own relationship!
2 your husband knows it is wrong hence the fact that he deleted the messages..
I am so annoyed for you but I'm
Happy you've confronted him about it because it is totally wrong xx

Mydogmylife · 29/12/2020 21:15

[quote Frankola]@saltinesandcoffeecups oh I'd love to have balls that big! Smile

You're all right though. Maybe its time I was a little more forthright with my 'friend' about her behaviour.[/quote]
Don't think there's any maybe about it. I can't see why your friendship group has put up with this nonsense.

MintyMabel · 29/12/2020 21:23

Your 'D'H is the problem here, not your friend. She's posting suggestive crap but he is responding to it. She can post what she likes - he doesn't have to engage.

Oh come on. I know it’s supposedly the thing that it’s all about the man blah, blah, but are you really suggesting she has no part of this at all? That sending private messages to other people’s husbands is actually not a problem? Sure, the guy is an utter twat and she should ditch him, but you don’t think the friend is equally as crap?

PinkiOcelot · 29/12/2020 21:25

I think I’d be cutting ties with her and her husband. Just stop inviting them out.