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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being irrational about not so DH?

144 replies

Frankola · 29/12/2020 18:14

I'm absolutely boiling angry and hurt and I have no idea if I'm being irrational or not - I need your help!

I have had a friend - let's call her J - for 5 years. We are really close, our kids have grown up together and we spend a lot of time together.

J is very pretty, however, she likes people to tell her she is pretty, alot. She initiates conversations all that time that encourage people to tell her she is attractive.

This often extends to her friends husbands. She private messages quite a lot of them and sends photos on Snapchat of her in bikinis, gym gear etc. This has actually caused a number of arguments in the group between some of the wives and their husbands.

About 6 months ago I saw a message thread on my dhs phone from her. In these messages he had said something like "I missed you today", from when he had been somewhere with the group and she hadn't been there.

I won't sugar coat it, I hit the roof about this. I told him he was behaving like an absolute mug, fawning over her when she has done the same thing to a number of the husbands and caused arguments. I asked dh if he had feelings for her and he said no. I told him I won't stand for any more inappropriate messages in future.

Fast forward to this week. We had been on a socially distanced visit with them to another friends garden. When we got home it was late and I went up to bed. Dh stayed downstairs.

I have found out that he messaged J again. He initiated it. All he says is he asked her if she had a good night but apparently can't remember the rest of the conversation and conveniently he has deleted it from his phone.

We have had a huge argument again. I have told him I'm disgusted that he has so little regard for my feelings that he would rather mesaage her and cause me hurt and upset.

I'm also concerned as to why he just can't stop messaging her when he knows the trouble it causes in our marriage.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable? Should I stop being jealous or worried?

OP posts:
hadesinahalfahell · 29/12/2020 21:39

Ok, yes, she sounds like an attention seeking woman who can only feel validated by being aesthetically pleasing to men and I think OP should ditch the friendship...but the OP's DH and all of the other men in the group DO have some autonomy in this situation. They aren't helpless victims who have been bewitched by this woman, but they all seem to be getting away with sending inappropriate messages to another woman because the ire is being directed solely at her for being a temptress. OP has said that her DH has initiated both of these discussions with the woman, and he's clearly after her. Whether that's because she is free and easy is a moot point, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who was secretly texting other women.

Aneley · 29/12/2020 22:05

I'd wait for the next provocative photo she sends to your H and then forward that to her husband with text 'I'm sure J meant to send this to you instead of my husband'.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 29/12/2020 22:09

The while thing is odd.
I have attractive friends and none post photos of themselves to anyone's husbands.
How utterly tragic.
Does she post them to you females of the group?

Would your husband be ok if her husband was sending pictures of his beach attire or boxers in the mirror?
I mean come on.

If this is real, you're all mad for not saying anything.
I'd have expected my husband to delete her, he'd probably say 'your desperate friend is sending me photos of herself again..'

Your husband needs to have a big think with his head brain about how he conducts himself and his boundaries, messaging other women and commenting on them isn't appropriate. If he's genuinely her friend then there's no deleting messages needed is there. My husband is friends with some of my female friends and they text and it's normal, this is not.

SunshineCake · 29/12/2020 22:09
notanothertakeaway · 29/12/2020 22:10

My DH has a great bunch of friends, but if any of them sent me photos of their swimwear, I would block them and tell DH why. I wouldn't encourage or allow any further contact

thosetalesofunexpected · 29/12/2020 22:20

Hi Op

Stop calling this woman your friend,
Who attend/flirts with all the men folk at your friendship group.

This woman is a nasty dirty Arsehole !

Why on earth have all you,and your friends allowed this situation to carry on..

Tell her straight in the group that she is no longer welcome cause she is nasty piece of work she does not care about you,or your friends.

Why do you care about her enough to keep in the group.

Tell your Arsehole so called friend she needs to get therapy /help for her serious insecurity issues

Tell her if she wants men's attentions to work in a sleazly low class strip joint or to work the streets as a prostitute for kerb krawlers weirdos
Its right up her street.😂😂😂

Skyliner001 · 30/12/2020 07:51

She sounds unhinged.

FippertyGibbett · 30/12/2020 07:55

I would be more concerned about your husbands behaviour than the friend. He is your ‘life partner’ after all.
You will never trust him again, and if he is going to continue this behaviour with her or some else he will have to become more secretive.

Whatafustercluck · 30/12/2020 08:03

He deleted the message thread. Huge red flag op. She is not your friend, ditch her immediately. I only hope your h hasn't formed an emotional attachment/ affair with her. Her behaviour is utterly bizarre and most definitely not that of a 'friend'. What do your other female friends make of it all??

k1233 · 30/12/2020 08:23

I'd send her a message saying I expect her to send me screen shots of the conversation last night. If she is unable to do that then I will assume that her conversation has crossed the line of acceptable behaviour between friends and she obviously does not value my friendship.

I don't give people chances, so if the conversation was not forthcoming, we'd no longer be friends, particularly given her penchant for causing trouble in relationships.

SimplyRadishing · 30/12/2020 09:09

This sounds like my DHs friendship group they are all dysfunctional AF and put up with bananas behaviour because they dont want to create wierdness in the grouuuup (said in pathetic voice).

I very much favor @saltinesandcoffeecups approach especially as she has form (half the group must hate her) but it is a nuclear option.

At a MINIMUM...

  1. Understand fully J is not your friend l. I would back off entirely ie. no 121 meet ups no double date/couples events woth her and cuckolded husband.
  2. I would private message her and ask her what she is playing at.
  3. He would get the fucking riot act and would be in the spare room until post NY.
I would also paint a vivid picture of life without me in a bedsit seeing his kids once a fortnight.
Yummymummy2020 · 30/12/2020 09:14

You are not a bit unreasonable I would be furious about this! Its just ridiculous this woman would even do this to not one but a few husbands and still be in the friendship group, I would steer well clear!!! She is not a friend at all she is using all of you to feed her ego by the sounds of it!!!

BubblyBarbara · 30/12/2020 09:16

I see only one person in this story leaping to being angry tbh

AppleJane · 30/12/2020 09:18

@BubblyBarbara

I see only one person in this story leaping to being angry tbh

What do you mean?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2020 09:19

I know a couple like this, (your friends), and it's actually very sad. Their entire lives are for show; it's clear to everyone but them that they neither like nor love each other, but they can't split up because it would ruin the image.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2020 09:21

The only 'self esteem ' issue she has is that her ego is the size of a house.

I'd ditch her and my husband would be on his last warning

oldandtiredandold · 30/12/2020 09:31

I'd get rid of them both. I'd never trust him again and she's just a complete twat.

whoamIamIalright · 30/12/2020 12:51

I’d be tempted to send her a message offering her help for her self esteem issues. I’d let her know that you and your husband plus everyone else in the group had discussed (behind her back with giggles) how tragic she is. Really lay it on with a trowel how every time she messages you all cringe, how sad it is, and how everyone feels sorry for her. It may be passive aggressive and bitchy but she deserves it. It would really rub someone like her wrong way to think people pity her not admire her amazing body. Fucking hell love, tell her, my husband can see plenty of scantily clad women’s body’s for free on the internet, you’re nothing special. Why not work on your personality then you won’t feel the need for people to like you for how you look. So shallow and so sad that all you see yourself as is a good body, which will only get saggier and older no matter what you do. Give her the number for a book club or something to work on her intelligence. Then may be she could have a meaningful discussion not rely on her (fading) looks. I actually do feel really sorry for her that she feels the need to act like this, doesn’t make it right though.

Butterymuffin · 30/12/2020 12:56

I'm not wishing to let the husbands off the hook here but I am amazed that she's done this to several of you and yet is still part of the friendship group. How has that happened?

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 30/12/2020 13:21

I would tear his head off right before I went round and ripped hers off her neck. How fucking DARE they.

Tell him anymore and he is out on his ear. He needs to delete and block her number. Tell her she needs to delete and block his. And never ever see her again.

Imelda03 · 30/12/2020 13:27

Why make excuses for both of them. She’s a sleaze as are the husbands and for some strange reason, your group has allowed this behaviour to continue unchallenged.

Your DH is a sleaze and ignored your request not to message her, he then deleted his text.

It’s all very clear cut, she’s up for it and so is he.

Tell them both where to go and maybe you can be the first in your group to stop facilitating this bizarre behaviour.

2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020 · 30/12/2020 13:29

Wow. I would not be happy with this.
I would be humiliating her next time you meet as a group. Asking her in front of everyone, why she has been messaging your husband and causing a rift.

grapewine · 30/12/2020 13:45

Your husband is a mug, at a minimum. But I'd have to ask her what she's playing at. At I'd ask while the others were there. She's no friend.

Aprilx · 30/12/2020 13:53

I just don’t get it. The women in the friendship group all know she sends bikini photos of herself to your husbands but she is still in the group. Confused

BibbityBobbityBellend · 30/12/2020 13:57

Do the women of the groups also receive these images on Snapchat?