MIL ruined our Christmas

[Spo7]

It's true, she did, and my question is what do we do?

For about two weeks before Christmas MIL started lecturing us (DH and me) about how extremely worried and anxious she was about xmas. Her reasoning being COVID and SIL, who is pregnant. There are four households in our immediate family, so hence we'd be breaking the rules on xmas day had everyone come. She went on and on about how we wouldn't be able to be in the same room as SIL, we'd have to eat at different times, nobody could stay longer than two hours, she'd have to force people to stay apart and constantly wash hands. She even suggested we take covid tests on Christmas Eve to make sure we were in the clear.

Anyway, since she went on and on about how anxious she was to us, we asked if she'd feel better if we didn't come, which she said yes to. We felt we did her a massive favour and felt good about that. However, it turned out we were the only ones given the speech about how scared she was! We were also the only ones she suggested to take covid tests. Also, when we didn't come, she told everyone else that we had decided to not come for our own sake, as we were worried!! Plus, there were no rules for the people who did come to hers on xmas day - everyone could do whatever they wanted and stay as long as they wanted.

And it doesn't end there. She then arranged for another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day! When DH asked subtly if we were invited to that, she seemed irritated, saying "all the others are on their way, maybe I could make you a dinner to take back to yours".

I'm furious and DH is really upset. It's our youngest son's first Christmas too. Not only this, but everyone who did come have also been to their spouses' families this Christmas. We have no other family around, as my family lives in another country. We've just been all alone.

Does anyone have any advice?

There has got to be some backstory here.

Unless she has issues with her memory, it sounds as though she’s played you off on each other and I’d be angry too.

I see why you are upset but you weren't alone, you were with DH and your children celebrating your DS's first Christmas.

That's truly all you need.

You did the right thing staying at home.

@unmarkedbythat

There has got to be some backstory here.

What do you mean? Not that I know of. I do think she takes us for granted though, and finds it hard to stand up to the others

Sounds like she just didn’t want you (your family) there.
TBH that would be it for me, no visits in the future.
Definitely wouldn’t say “ruined” your Christmas though. Bet if you asked your children (apart from the youngest, obviously), they wouldn’t think it was ruined

Why are you furious? Why would you even want to spend Christmas with her - she sounds like the life and soul of any party!
And you haven't spent Christmas alone - you're a family of at least four from what you've written.
My advice would be to get over yourself - but I suppose you could always sulk into Christmas 2021 and go low contact on mother-in-law if it makes you feel better.

Wtf that is so cruel

Advice? Do you really need advice to keep her at arms length after this? She may have spoilt your Christmas plans, but she has given you a great gift. She has shown you how unimportant you all are to her and you should use this information to free yourselves from her orbit and live happily ever after.

She sounds horrible!! This probably doesn't help but your Christmas was probably nicer without having to spend it with her! It's up to you if you want to give the rest of the family your side of the story or if you want to just let it go, sounds a bit like she's trying to influence how the rest of the family view you, isolating you or something. I would revaluate how you interact with her. You should arrange a dinner at yours and invite everyone apart from her!!

You know where you stand with her. Leave it be a lesson. I have every Christmas now on our own and invite others but I don't go to theirs. Its much better.
Lower contact with them. Be grateful for your own family unit. You don't need this stress.

She didn't want too many people there, you shouldn't have actively wanted to break the rules and therefore made other arrangements sooner, she didn't 'ruin' your Christmas you still had your husband and child to spend it with, you're not owed an invite to any dinner arrangements. Those are a few reasons I find you to be unreasonable.

If you were the only family not invited, I'm wondering if there's other issues? Do your jobs involve a lot of mixing with others? Or does she not particularly like you? There does seem to be avoidance on her part, but you really should have had the sense to make your own arrangements this year regardless.

She's a twunt. Ignore.

Get your DH to let his siblings know why he wasn't there, if he wants to, then leave it.

Thanks for your replies, and yes the kids had a nice Christmas. We felt it's been ruined for us (DH and me), since we felt so fooled and mistreated by someone we normally trust and love

She sounds dreadful and I would be delighted for the excuse to never ever visit or host her again

Very cruel. But you now know where you stand. Make sure the other siblings know you were asked not to come because of Covid. And drop the rope.

Yeah she told you loud and clear she didn't want you there, stick to text messages as she can't be trusted, warn other family members what she was like and then grey rock.

Lots of people are going slightly loopy with the restrictions, so I'd "withdraw with love" - but protect yourselves from future hurt.

She has shown you how much she cares.

Now show her equal disregard and go on to live a wonderful, happy life as a family of 4 (5?)

Well I’d be asking DH to ask her outright why she effectively uninvited him and his family and excluded you all from the family Xmas?

See what her reasoning is - she likely can’t provide any because what she did was quite nasty and can’t be explained logically can it.

I’d be furious for your DH that his mum holds such little regard for him, but otherwise I’d let her crack on and ensure to not extend any favours or visits her way.

It sounds very unpleasant but she didn't ruin your Christmas if you were still able to celebrate together yourselves. Think of all the people who had to be alone or work.

Has your DH asked her directly why you were all shut out?

Do one of you have a job or something that makes you more likely to be infectious?

You could not have gone anyway it was illegal. If you were willing to have four households mixing on Christmas Day you obviously have no regard for Covid guidance and she wanted to keep herself and your SIL safe.

@BrumBoo

She didn't want too many people there, you shouldn't have actively wanted to break the rules and therefore made other arrangements sooner, she didn't 'ruin' your Christmas you still had your husband and child to spend it with, you're not owed an invite to any dinner arrangements. Those are a few reasons I find you to be unreasonable.

If you were the only family not invited, I'm wondering if there's other issues? Do your jobs involve a lot of mixing with others? Or does she not particularly like you? There does seem to be avoidance on her part, but you really should have had the sense to make your own arrangements this year regardless.

We were the only ones who couldn't make other arrangements, since my family lives abroad. DH's siblings all have in-laws living close by and could have made other arrangements

@WeeWelshWoman

Very cruel. But you now know where you stand. Make sure the other siblings know you were asked not to come because of Covid. And drop the rope.

This. But I would (and have previously in a vaguely similar scenario) had it out with MIL and I stopped talking to for couple of months & banned contact with DS as she hurt me so bad. Make it clear to the others & say you were asked to steer clear so steer clear of her you will til she realises ppl are of a similar importance.

I would never ever include her in any future plans again. Yes she was cruel. She singled your family out and treated yourll very badly. Now that you know where it stands, you know how to treat her in future.

I’d say she doesn’t like you OP and I would write her off. No more help for her.

It was 2 households maximum mixing on Christmas Day only. She allowed the rules to be broken not only that day but on Boxing Day too.
She sounds like an arsehole to be honest.
She made you and your DH feel left out, that isn’t ok. She’s an arse.