MIL ruined our Christmas

[Spo7]

It's true, she did, and my question is what do we do?

For about two weeks before Christmas MIL started lecturing us (DH and me) about how extremely worried and anxious she was about xmas. Her reasoning being COVID and SIL, who is pregnant. There are four households in our immediate family, so hence we'd be breaking the rules on xmas day had everyone come. She went on and on about how we wouldn't be able to be in the same room as SIL, we'd have to eat at different times, nobody could stay longer than two hours, she'd have to force people to stay apart and constantly wash hands. She even suggested we take covid tests on Christmas Eve to make sure we were in the clear.

Anyway, since she went on and on about how anxious she was to us, we asked if she'd feel better if we didn't come, which she said yes to. We felt we did her a massive favour and felt good about that. However, it turned out we were the only ones given the speech about how scared she was! We were also the only ones she suggested to take covid tests. Also, when we didn't come, she told everyone else that we had decided to not come for our own sake, as we were worried!! Plus, there were no rules for the people who did come to hers on xmas day - everyone could do whatever they wanted and stay as long as they wanted.

And it doesn't end there. She then arranged for another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day! When DH asked subtly if we were invited to that, she seemed irritated, saying "all the others are on their way, maybe I could make you a dinner to take back to yours".

I'm furious and DH is really upset. It's our youngest son's first Christmas too. Not only this, but everyone who did come have also been to their spouses' families this Christmas. We have no other family around, as my family lives in another country. We've just been all alone.

Does anyone have any advice?

We were the only ones who couldn't make other arrangements, since my family lives abroad. DH's siblings all have in-laws living close by and could have made other arrangements

@Spo7 but there was no need to make other arrangements, you had a family to spend Christmas with . I find the idea your Christmas was 'ruined' to be a tad melodramatic in this instance, though I accept it must be hurtful to see MiL host others. I am assuming pregnant SiL is her daughter in this situation?

Never include her in any plans seems the best way, as it is too late to call the police over her Boxing Day breach. I'm sure next Christmas Day when there are more activities available will be more pleasant, without her.

Wow. Does she dislike you or something?! I think I’d be calling her out about it tbh.

Don’t think of it as her ruining your Christmas though. Did you not have a nice day anyway, just your little family unit?

Who else was invited OP? Do they have children? What do you think is true reason MIL made this decision? And why doesn’t your OH pick up the phone to his mum and talk to her? Somethings not making sense.

I can't get past the fact that you seem to think it was OK to have 4 families mixing in the same house anyway!

Why don't the rules apply to you and your family?

@nosswith

Never include her in any plans seems the best way, as it is too late to call the police over her Boxing Day breach. I'm sure next Christmas Day when there are more activities available will be more pleasant, without her.

Yup, this is a totally normal reaction to not being hosted when you weren't meant to mix anyway. Swear never to plan anything with MiL again and regret not calling the police because you were not invited to some rule-breaking behaviour. Who says MNners has completely lost the plot over the last year?

Reading between the lines, I think you've answered this yourself.
She was concerned for SIL.
She finds it difficult to stand up to "the others" - hence, you and DH were the line of least resistance.
Is your DH the only son?

I've voted YABU because I would have been overjoyed to be rejected by my my Mother and have a Xmas where I didn't have to see her.

Also, sounds like she was trying to keep in with the rules and decided that her pregnant dd should be there but adding your household into the mix would push numbers up and over the limit. It was sensible of her not to then see you on Boxing Day as there would have been no point no seeing you on Xmas day.

Well I'd certainly be telling her to piss off next Christmas and every Christmas after that too

I think I’d just have a conversation with her along the lines of “we are hurt that you manipulated us into cancelling. If you didn’t want us there, you should have done us the courtesy of saying that.” I would then message siblings or whoever else was due to be there to make them aware. And then hey rock, as someone else has said.

*grey rock

Thanks for your replies. Just to clarify, we are not upset since we didn't 'break the rules' with them, as some seem to think. We actually felt great on Xmas Day and felt we did a 'good deed' staying away and following the rules. We didn't actually want to go on Boxing Day either - DH rang her more to check what was going on, rather than demanding we come.

We only got angry on Boxing Day, when we learned she hadn't been honest with us, and that she hadn't been truthful to the others about why we weren't there - by saying we were worried about ourselves, rather than stepping aside to lower MIL's anxiety. MIL didn't show this 'anxiety' o anyone else, and didn't demand anyone else to take covid tests, the way she did with us

Also, why did this ruin Xmas - you have a husband and kids, and presumably an oven to cook with. Did you just want to cadge a free dinner and childcare?

I can understand that you feel lady choice, but you do sound a little entitled, You did her a big favour by not having her have to cook for you.. You had a safe, lovely, within the guidelines, Xmas with your family. I’d mention to her that you all felt a bit hurt and left out. But it’s your husband who should be bringing it up.

She didn’t want you round for some reason. Was there a falling out? She sounds like a manipulative coward and I would be leaving her out of get togethers for a while.

I'd recommend you spend some time with the definition of 'triangulation' and the sort of people who engage in behaviour of that sort.

I have my own ideas as to how to deal with this type of person although on Mumsnet these are unlikely to go down well. But it's as well to know exactly what you are dealing with.

Take care

I think you had a lucky escape! Why would you want to spend time with her?

Op, you've been given some great advice here so what are going to do going forward?

FYI, I too would feel hurt in this situation and think I would need to distance my family, or certainly myself and children, from her for the time being. Even if this situation was created out of fear for the rules, she handled it unkindly, gaslighted and lied and you have every right to feel negatively in whatever way that takes you.

A simple group txt to your dh siblings or anyone who attended stating that you hope they had a fab Xmas and you missed seeing them with an explanation of why you couldn't join them will nip this situation in the bud. Your mil will be called out and shown that you don't accept this kind of behaviour. Your dh family will also see this, as well as hopefully question any bullshit that she has sprouted about you in the past.
Just a few minutes to write and send a txt, then you can move on and then put any boundaries you need in place going forward

Simple. Just tell her next year you’ll be planning Christmas without her.

My advice is, thank your lucky stars MIL uncloaked her true self in time for lifetime avoidance.

Well there were four families which would be breaking the rules and you say she finds it easier to deal with your family so that's who she stopped coming and the rest were fibs/accommodations as she's not good at being straight with the others. I think it sucks but it's really down to covid and it shouldn't have ruined your Christmas. Everyone can get worked up this year about it being someone's last or someone's first Christmas or any number of emotional matters, but you had Christmas with your family and that's what really matters. Doesn't sound ruined really.

I'm amazed people think MIL is obliged to host op and that in sticking to the Covid rules, she is somehow a really bad person.

She also didn't ruin op's Xmas which she said was lovely, so there are fibs on both sides.

@MrsBobDylan I agree that MIL isn’t obliged to host OP and her DH but now neither OP or DH are obliged to host her either.

Yanbu . What a nasty piece of work. But rather than see it as her ruining your Christmas please consider changing your perspective and seeing at as her liberating you from any future obligations. From now on enjoy your own celebrations with your family unit and do whatever you want to do. Don't be beholden to her and consider low or no contact.

Good gracious me how ridiculously melodramatic. There were going to be too many households that needed to be reduced. She might have not handled it in the best way but you had Christmas with your own family.

If this is the height of your worry at the moment consider yourself very lucky.