Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ruined our Christmas

149 replies

Spo7 · 29/12/2020 13:38

It's true, she did, and my question is what do we do?

For about two weeks before Christmas MIL started lecturing us (DH and me) about how extremely worried and anxious she was about xmas. Her reasoning being COVID and SIL, who is pregnant. There are four households in our immediate family, so hence we'd be breaking the rules on xmas day had everyone come. She went on and on about how we wouldn't be able to be in the same room as SIL, we'd have to eat at different times, nobody could stay longer than two hours, she'd have to force people to stay apart and constantly wash hands. She even suggested we take covid tests on Christmas Eve to make sure we were in the clear.

Anyway, since she went on and on about how anxious she was to us, we asked if she'd feel better if we didn't come, which she said yes to. We felt we did her a massive favour and felt good about that. However, it turned out we were the only ones given the speech about how scared she was! We were also the only ones she suggested to take covid tests. Also, when we didn't come, she told everyone else that we had decided to not come for our own sake, as we were worried!! Plus, there were no rules for the people who did come to hers on xmas day - everyone could do whatever they wanted and stay as long as they wanted.

And it doesn't end there. She then arranged for another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day! When DH asked subtly if we were invited to that, she seemed irritated, saying "all the others are on their way, maybe I could make you a dinner to take back to yours".

I'm furious and DH is really upset. It's our youngest son's first Christmas too. Not only this, but everyone who did come have also been to their spouses' families this Christmas. We have no other family around, as my family lives in another country. We've just been all alone.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
2020isalmosthindsight · 29/12/2020 14:21

First, be glad you didn't attend. You'd be breaking the rules of more than 2 families AND putting yourselves at risk.

Second, I'd be letting everyone else know exactly what went down and why you weren't there.

Third, take a HUGE step back from MIL and go limited contact. She has shown her true colours.

Rhiannon13 · 29/12/2020 14:23

For goodness sake OP, you didn't spend Christmas alone.

My mum and my partner did, because as a family we have a thorough understanding of the situation.

Just see it as your MIL doing you a favour by forcing you to do what you should've been doing anyway.

Scarlettpixie · 29/12/2020 14:24

Saying she ruined Christmas and that you were all alone is a bit dramatic. You were together as a family and didn’t even get upset until Boxing Day.

If you had gone, either Xmas day or Boxing Day with other households you would have been breaking the law anyway.

cuppycakey · 29/12/2020 14:25

Surely you should be glad you weren't there either day - it doesn't sound very safe?

Ilovenewyear · 29/12/2020 14:25

Have you been following the guidance? What’s your household risk of exposure like?

If there is no reason why she was particularly worried about your household risk versus the others then yes, I’d agree she didn’t want you there. Given your situation with family abroad and your child’s first Christmas, that’s obviously upsetting.

I’d be making it clear to the others that you were pressured into staying away - they are probably wondering what your problem is! I’d also tell them you weren’t invited for Boxing Day. If there was a group WhatsApp or similar I’d use that.

Original poster
Spo7 · 29/12/2020 14:25

Thanks again for replies! Many of you have made me feel so much better :) And for those of you who still think we're mad about not breaking the rules, it's not that! We're mad that MIL lied to us and dealt with this situation horribly. It was like we were made fools of, whilst the rest of the family were welcomed with open arms. And also, BIL's girlfriend came on Boxing Day so that made it four households anyway..

OP posts:
cleanasawhistle · 29/12/2020 14:26

When people show you what they think of you believe them.

Gatehouse77 · 29/12/2020 14:27

My advice would be to chalk it up to experience and reevaluate how you deal with her in the future. The only thing you can change is your response to it.

Whether it’s worth addressing this specific issue is up to you/your DH and depends on what you want/hope the outcome to be. And to be prepared for it to not be what you want.

AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 29/12/2020 14:27

@PatchworkElmer

I think I’d just have a conversation with her along the lines of “we are hurt that you manipulated us into cancelling. If you didn’t want us there, you should have done us the courtesy of saying that.” I would then message siblings or whoever else was due to be there to make them aware. And then hey rock, as someone else has said.
Yes, this. Honest and straightforward. And - absent a heartfelt apology for the lies and manipulation - I would not be going out of my way to include her in things in future, or to do things with/for her that didn't fit in with our family plans.
Original poster
Spo7 · 29/12/2020 14:28

@Ilovenewyear

Have you been following the guidance? What’s your household risk of exposure like?

If there is no reason why she was particularly worried about your household risk versus the others then yes, I’d agree she didn’t want you there. Given your situation with family abroad and your child’s first Christmas, that’s obviously upsetting.

I’d be making it clear to the others that you were pressured into staying away - they are probably wondering what your problem is! I’d also tell them you weren’t invited for Boxing Day. If there was a group WhatsApp or similar I’d use that.

We follow the rules. I'm on maternity leave and I'm probably the least likely to get covid. DH works in an office. BIL is in the police, but he was fine to come without a test and wasn't 'lectured' the way we were
OP posts:
Jollibeezus · 29/12/2020 14:29

Everybody is being weird this year because of them pandemic. Has MIL been like this before?

I wouldn’t have planned to break the rules in the first place but I see she has anyway. I would just take this as a sign to back off and have a more distant relationship.

2Rebecca · 29/12/2020 14:33

It does sound like she didn't want you there but once you knew there were more than 2 households you should have refused to go anyway not waited for her to push you off the invite list. I don't see why anything was ruined. In the long term knowing how she feels will clarify your relationship. A bit crap for your husband at the moment but he should have pulled out earlier

123rd · 29/12/2020 14:34

I would see this as a link my escape. Sod her if she needs to put a smear story out to other family members. Make sure they hear your side of events and then take a massive step back from her. She sounds like she is very controlling. Don't let her control you. It will drive her insane!!

anniegun · 29/12/2020 14:34

I would like to hear her side of this before making a judgement call

Daffodilandviolet · 29/12/2020 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

123rd · 29/12/2020 14:34

lucky escape!

stackemhigh · 29/12/2020 14:35

@anniegun

I would like to hear her side of this before making a judgement call
Well you can’t can you? Hmm
BrokenCircle · 29/12/2020 14:36

Do you have school-aged children?

1WildPartridgeInAPearTree · 29/12/2020 14:37

I can see why you are hurt. As you say, she was probably taking you and your family for granted.

It is up to you whether she gets to take you for granted for the rest of the year.

(I would make the situation clear to the other relations that you care about.)

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/12/2020 14:39

Sounds like a lucky escape rather than a ruined Christmas.

Campervan69 · 29/12/2020 14:40

I'd be making plans to celebrate Christmas with my family abroad next year.

GnomeDePlume · 29/12/2020 14:44

I am guessing from your description that MiL took her frustrations out on you as being the people who wouldn't fight back.

My DM admitted once that she would take out her frustrations with my DB on DH and me as she knew we wouldn't withdraw access to GCs where she was worried that DB might.

FutureMrsRegeJeanPage · 29/12/2020 14:44

She was very spiteful. And, I believe, deliberately so, despite her reasons.
I'd use this as an opportunity to scale right back on the contact from now on. Be aware that she will no doubt paint herself as the victim though so I'd let your husband's siblings know very clearly what actually happened. I have a feeling she will really twist things though.

Inthemuckheap · 29/12/2020 14:45

I voted YABU only because of the mixing which is completely and utterly stupid of them all whatever tier they're in.

She sounds like a witch and I'd leave her to it next year. Far nicer to have a family Christmas with just you and your OH and DC. Hopefully next year you can go to your family and leave her in her own soup.

TonTonMacoute · 29/12/2020 14:45

She has clearly excluded just your branch of the family from Christmas celebrations.

My advice would be you need to find out why. I guess your DH needs to ask her when things die down.

This is the sort of situation I always think about when I see an 'I really want another baby' thread.

My MIL ruined our Christmas by accusing DH of stealing her jewellery Confused.