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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL ruined our Christmas

149 replies

Spo7 · 29/12/2020 13:38

It's true, she did, and my question is what do we do?

For about two weeks before Christmas MIL started lecturing us (DH and me) about how extremely worried and anxious she was about xmas. Her reasoning being COVID and SIL, who is pregnant. There are four households in our immediate family, so hence we'd be breaking the rules on xmas day had everyone come. She went on and on about how we wouldn't be able to be in the same room as SIL, we'd have to eat at different times, nobody could stay longer than two hours, she'd have to force people to stay apart and constantly wash hands. She even suggested we take covid tests on Christmas Eve to make sure we were in the clear.

Anyway, since she went on and on about how anxious she was to us, we asked if she'd feel better if we didn't come, which she said yes to. We felt we did her a massive favour and felt good about that. However, it turned out we were the only ones given the speech about how scared she was! We were also the only ones she suggested to take covid tests. Also, when we didn't come, she told everyone else that we had decided to not come for our own sake, as we were worried!! Plus, there were no rules for the people who did come to hers on xmas day - everyone could do whatever they wanted and stay as long as they wanted.

And it doesn't end there. She then arranged for another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day! When DH asked subtly if we were invited to that, she seemed irritated, saying "all the others are on their way, maybe I could make you a dinner to take back to yours".

I'm furious and DH is really upset. It's our youngest son's first Christmas too. Not only this, but everyone who did come have also been to their spouses' families this Christmas. We have no other family around, as my family lives in another country. We've just been all alone.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
randomer · 29/12/2020 18:16

Have you ever thought of starting a family WhatsApp group?

Er, have you ever thought that unless you are Christians, Christmas is a hideous waste ot time and effort?

Yesmate · 29/12/2020 18:17

I bet you are fun at parties @randomer 🙄

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 18:22

@randomer

Have you ever thought of starting a family WhatsApp group?

Er, have you ever thought that unless you are Christians, Christmas is a hideous waste ot time and effort?

Even at the height of the communist regime, when priests were being hunted,persecuted,killed or sent to the Gulag we still had frikking Christmas.

I mean Santa was Old Man Frost and there wasn't a mandarine in sight to buy, but there was Christmas.Grin

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/12/2020 18:30

My guess is she thinks your family might be a risk to sil if you’re the only one with nursery / school aged kids or office based jobs. I would view it as a lady thinking about her pregnant dd and doing the best for her rather than than take offence.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 29/12/2020 18:34

So now you can breathe a sigh of relief.
When her arse needs wiped she has a list of people above you to do it...
Sounds like she has done you a huge favour...

BillysMyBunny · 29/12/2020 18:34

You don’t have to go low-contact if you’d hate it! What a strange thing to think. If you’d rather forgive and move on them do that; it’s ridiculous to go low-contact if actually you’d hate it and find it stressful just because it’s what others on here have suggested.

RealisticSketch · 29/12/2020 18:41

What do the rest of the family think about the fact you were dealt with dishonestly and treated so differently to the rest of them? Were they shocked on your behalf or smug?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 18:41

@GrumpyHoonMain

My guess is she thinks your family might be a risk to sil if you’re the only one with nursery / school aged kids or office based jobs. I would view it as a lady thinking about her pregnant dd and doing the best for her rather than than take offence.
Then why couldn't she say that and act accordingly?

Why lie to the others that OP and her DH didn't want to come because THEY were worried about Covid.

Eryouwhat · 29/12/2020 18:54

This would really hurt me op, sorry she did this to you

naomi81 · 29/12/2020 18:59

My mil pulled a similar stunt and ruined our Christmas too, but she's been a horror all year! 😞

ToastieSnowy · 29/12/2020 18:59

Has your mil got narcissistic tendancies OP? Sounds like you & your DH were set up to be the scapegoats. Wouldn’t be surprised if she denies all knowledge of asking for tests and to stay away. What a bitch.

ouchmyfeet · 29/12/2020 19:08

OP are you the only family with young children? My DF reads too much daily mail shite and is convinced that the kids are going to kill him Hmm. It could be something like that.

Spo7 · 29/12/2020 19:32

@ToastieSnowy

Has your mil got narcissistic tendancies OP? Sounds like you & your DH were set up to be the scapegoats. Wouldn’t be surprised if she denies all knowledge of asking for tests and to stay away. What a bitch.
I think she’ll deny all knowledge as well. And thing is, she kind of manipulated us into cancelling. She made us cancel. So I have a feeling she’ll just say “you chose not to come, I didn’t kick you out”, or something along those lines.
OP posts:
Treemama · 29/12/2020 19:38

@ouchmyfeet I agree. Myself and other ppl have asked the same but still no answer from OP.

Spo7 · 29/12/2020 19:44

[quote Treemama]@ouchmyfeet I agree. Myself and other ppl have asked the same but still no answer from OP.[/quote]
Sorry, I thought I answered that in a comment earlier, but maybe I forgot. SIL has a stepson who was there on Christmas Day, but the other siblings don’t have kids. Maybe that’s why. SIL is obviously around her stepson all the time

OP posts:
CelestrialWarrior · 29/12/2020 19:45

My advice is get over it!

Treemama · 29/12/2020 20:11

SIL's first pregnancy, she's probably being overprotective. Still, she should have been honest with you guys and the others.

beavisandbutthead · 29/12/2020 20:15

Spo7 if you think she is going to suggest she didnt do anything wrong and you chose not to come then be prepared- ask her if she suggested to any other family members to get a covid test or if she mentioned to them she was anxious. Also that she stated she would feel better if you didnt come. Dont let her twist it

Spo7 · 29/12/2020 21:02

@beavisandbutthead

Spo7 if you think she is going to suggest she didnt do anything wrong and you chose not to come then be prepared- ask her if she suggested to any other family members to get a covid test or if she mentioned to them she was anxious. Also that she stated she would feel better if you didnt come. Dont let her twist it
Yes, I’ll definitely prepare for that! I know she didn’t tell anyone else about her anxieties or about the strict regime she had planned for Xmas day, nor asked them to get tests, so I’ll definitely say that
OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 29/12/2020 21:02

Jesus, she did you a favour. Whatever were you thinking bringing 4 families together anyway!

There so much going on in the world right now, is this petty shit all you have to worry about?

Groovinpeanut · 29/12/2020 21:08

I think you have every reason to feel upset. Your Mil showed herself to me a list and a coward !
If she didn't want you there, she should have been upfront and said why. To do all of the excuses and the telling others you chose not to attend.

I'd just focus on your family unit from now on, and let them all get on with it. It'll be less drama and stress for you and your DH.

Groovinpeanut · 29/12/2020 21:08

*liar not list 🙄

ZenNudist · 29/12/2020 21:21

Wh at do you do?

You do nothing. Your dh can have a chat with his dm about it. It's hardly the end of the world.

You're unusual for planning a big family get together. Most people have stuck to small household groups maybe added on a single who didn't have anywhere else to go. 4 for Christmas is very normal this year.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/12/2020 12:06

We only had ourselves this Christmas to protect everyone 🤷‍♀️ Not the same but we had a lovely one nevertheless-I did meals on wheels to the in-laws who live close and we ate together over face time-went well actually and far less stressful than having a houseful for hours.

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