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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL ruined our Christmas

149 replies

Spo7 · 29/12/2020 13:38

It's true, she did, and my question is what do we do?

For about two weeks before Christmas MIL started lecturing us (DH and me) about how extremely worried and anxious she was about xmas. Her reasoning being COVID and SIL, who is pregnant. There are four households in our immediate family, so hence we'd be breaking the rules on xmas day had everyone come. She went on and on about how we wouldn't be able to be in the same room as SIL, we'd have to eat at different times, nobody could stay longer than two hours, she'd have to force people to stay apart and constantly wash hands. She even suggested we take covid tests on Christmas Eve to make sure we were in the clear.

Anyway, since she went on and on about how anxious she was to us, we asked if she'd feel better if we didn't come, which she said yes to. We felt we did her a massive favour and felt good about that. However, it turned out we were the only ones given the speech about how scared she was! We were also the only ones she suggested to take covid tests. Also, when we didn't come, she told everyone else that we had decided to not come for our own sake, as we were worried!! Plus, there were no rules for the people who did come to hers on xmas day - everyone could do whatever they wanted and stay as long as they wanted.

And it doesn't end there. She then arranged for another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day! When DH asked subtly if we were invited to that, she seemed irritated, saying "all the others are on their way, maybe I could make you a dinner to take back to yours".

I'm furious and DH is really upset. It's our youngest son's first Christmas too. Not only this, but everyone who did come have also been to their spouses' families this Christmas. We have no other family around, as my family lives in another country. We've just been all alone.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 29/12/2020 14:50

she sound slike a bitch lieing to everyne i would set them straight that you were told not to come because of covid

and dont go out of your way for her anymore

Bakingcupcake · 29/12/2020 14:53

Tbh you shouldn't have been mixing with all those people anyway so shes done you a favour...but shes sounds like a tw*t as shes obviously done it for a reason...you were better off having your xmas with your kids but i get how you feel ...i dont like my MIL but not sure she would go this far

ZippedyDooDa · 29/12/2020 14:55

I had something similar happen a few years ago. I went very low / no contact with ILs immediately and have been ever since. Life is much better without toxic people like that in our lives OP.

Burnthurst187 · 29/12/2020 15:03

You need to call her out on this, face to face

She sounds like a horrible, sly old snake. She knew exactly what she was doing all the time and she appears to break rules when it suits

DH and you shouldn't let her get away with this. She needs pulling up and putting in her place or she'll continue

2pinkginsplease · 29/12/2020 15:04

Like you being uninvited wouldn’t bother me, a wee Christmas at home without having to please others would be bliss. Ten the coercion and the lies she’s told other that would piss me off and unfortunately I’d have to pull her up on that and let everyone know what really happened.

I certainly wouldn’t be spending another Christmas Day with her.

fluffy71 · 29/12/2020 15:05

This used to happen with my MIL. We would get excluded from family events all the time and she would lie to other family members and say we didn’t want to go. I feel for you. It was really upsetting at the time and my husband would never challenge her. But it took me a long time but I actually stopped caring and “dropped the rope” if you like. Just concentrate on your immediate family. Don’t let her bring you down. Just concentrate on relationships with other family members.

TragedyHands · 29/12/2020 15:08

You know where you stand now, just go low contact, when she asks why, tell her.

OliveToboogie · 29/12/2020 15:10

She has shown her true colours. Start withdrawing contact from her. She has shown you what she thinks of you. I wouldn't go to her house for dinner etc again.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2020 15:12

Why did it ruin Christmas? Because you had to cook or didn’t get to break the rules.

You should have declined the invite in the first instance knowing the mixing of so many wasn’t allowed. As for “doing a good deed”, since when does following the law equate to that?

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/12/2020 15:13

And of course, because she didn't give the lecture to any of the others, they probably wouldn't believe you even if you tried to set the record straight on why you weren't there.

OP you say she'll stand up to your family and your DH more than she will to the others. Is she always like this? DH is the one she asks to do jobs because she won't ask the others? DH is always the afterthought? If so, there's lots of reading that would help your DH and that MNers will be more than willing to point you to.

lilylongjohn · 29/12/2020 15:15

I'd set up family WhatsApp group, inc your MIL and message everyone saying you hoped they'd had a good Xmas and you're sorry you didn't get to see them, but as your MIL had asks you not to attend Xmas day and didn't invite you Boxing Day you wanted to wish them a happy new year. But that's just me being a bit PA

Figgygal · 29/12/2020 15:16

What the hell was she playing at?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/12/2020 15:18

There's a few things mixed up in this
Firstly you can be glad that you didn't break lockdown and deal with any consequences and had your own family unit together.
Secondly she has really hurt both your feelings by lying to you and then lying about you
You could decide to rise above this and not trust her again, but I think that would only hurt you as it would leave lingering resentment.
Or you could as others have suggested have a conversation with her. Tell her it was hurtful and deceitful and made you feel like crap. Then if she has any apology or explanation you will at least hear it. She might have a reason, but you will have made your feelings clear and will not have to carry the burden of resentment. Also there's less chance of her ever doing that to you again because she knows she wont get away with it scott free.
What happens after that is up to you. Discussing it with her may be more difficult initially but in the long run I think it will hurt less if you do.

Treemama · 29/12/2020 15:19

Are you the only couple with children? Maybe MIL was worried about your children carrying the virus and passing it on to pregnant SIL. Or maybe it was SIL who was anxious about it. Either way, your dh should have a honest talk with his dm and let her know she could have handled the situation better.

Jux · 29/12/2020 15:21

How horrid; I'm glad you had a good Xmas anyway.

Phone around ("just thought I'd ring to say Happy Xmas to you all as MIL didn't want us to come so we haven't seen you"). Make sure they all know.

pepsicolagirl · 29/12/2020 15:21

OH has 1 sibling and his Mum and Mums side of the family. Every year they have a series of family holidays where they will hire a large house for a weekend and all stay there together. Sounds lovely but we have never been invited. Not once. They had a boxing day zoom quiz which we were not included on the email list for either.

It's not their fault. It's entirely in response to my husband inheriting his Fathers personality and thinking nothing of having mantrums which ruin family events. From storming out during his Uncles wedding (ds was a tiny baby at the time) just because he doesn't enjoy weddings to, well, just not doing social events well at all.
I don't blame his family (aside from them allowing him to grow up to be the way he is) but he cannot accept any responsibility for being left out. Just doesn't see why people might not enjoy his company!*

All I'm saying is, there may be a reason behind your MIL acting the way she has, its extraordinarily odd if not.

Aside from the fact that you shouldn't have been meeting up anyway probably.

*yes, I know. I am saving up so I can leave and have a bit of financial stability

Jacketpotato84 · 29/12/2020 15:21

She sounds like shes twisted things and enjoys playing people off against one another making a bit speech to you guys about how worried about corona. People like this love to make a drama they want to be in control by doings so. Im sorry this happened.

VetiverAndLavender · 29/12/2020 15:26

That was bitchy and manipulative of her. If she felt that your family shouldn't attend for whatever reason, she should have had the decency to explain why. I'd be hurt, too, and what's more, I'd consider telling her so! If not, I'd be tempted to make some very obnoxious comments/messages/updates about how glorious your Christmas was, spent with just your own beautiful little family and that you enjoyed it so much you might want to make this your new tradition.

Keratinsmooth · 29/12/2020 15:30

Four households couldn’t mix at Christmas. Maybe this was her (clumsy) way of getting it down to 3 households?

Are you and DH mixing with others a lot? Maybe a perceived higher risk?

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2020 15:36

@Jux

How horrid; I'm glad you had a good Xmas anyway.

Phone around ("just thought I'd ring to say Happy Xmas to you all as MIL didn't want us to come so we haven't seen you"). Make sure they all know.

I would do this too. Be completely frank with the others. Who knows what she said to them.

Keep her out of the loop for future arrangements. Dont trust her.

If your dh is so inclined, he could just ask her. "Why didnt you ask the others to have tests?"

Brefugee · 29/12/2020 15:37

Most likely you were the first ones to blink. I'm presuming that SIL is her daughter? Mothers are often much more protective of their pregnant daughters than of their pregnant DILs so it's quite understandable that she was nervous of her.

But you know where you are in the pecking order now, so if she ever asks for help, you can go down the list of more favoured family members and see if she's asked them first.

I would also make it clear to everyone exactly what the conversations were that led to you not being there.

Nunoftheother · 29/12/2020 15:44

We have no other family around, as my family lives in another country. We've just been all alone.

Massively lost sympathy with this comment. No you weren't "all alone" - don't be so bloody ridiculous and pathetic. There were at least four of you (five, if you were being grammatically accurate). All alone means by yourself, not in a group of four or more. (And yes, I did spend Christmas Day completely on my own.)

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2020 15:46

Also, why did this ruin Xmas - you have a husband and kids, and presumably an oven to cook with. Did you just want to cadge a free dinner and childcare?

Fuck me, prize for least empathy shown ever! Childcare when they’d also be present?? You’re being deliberately obtuse. The OP was excluded, quite deliberately. The others weren’t. Of course she’s hurt.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 29/12/2020 15:59

OP, your MIL, chose to lie to you and encourage you not to come on Christmas Day. I totally understand the annoyance at being lied to and how it is hurtful but you know what? You don’t ever have to be considerate of her in the future.

Whatever her reasons for encouraging you not to come (forget about COVID for a movement) the fact she lied to you and then about you is enough to tell you everything you need to know. This woman has given you the gift of knowledge. You know how low she values you so use this as a barometer for your own efforts and kindnesses in future.

Don’t waste time on being hurt. Just focus on your own family from now on.

HyacynthBucket · 29/12/2020 16:07

She sounds awful OP, but seems to have done you a massive favour for the future, as you will never need to bother with her and her arrangements again. Forget next Christmas, start planning a lovely one of your own. You have the perfect excuse not to get involved with her again. She may well be a drama queen who likes to be the centre of attention and play games with people. If so, don't get drawn into her games. Just tell the rest of the family how it really was, and give her a wide berth in future..