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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Stepmother

125 replies

Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 15:54

I am the stepmother.

DH returned home on 23rd Dec.

I had done all the food shopping and majority of the Christmas shopping, he had an 8 hour drive home so fair enough.

My 3 adult children came for Xmas day and I did all the cooking and we all got pretty pissed.

DH had to drive 5 hours boxing day to duplex this two kids and it was one of their birthdays.

Usually I buy or make a cake for her, this year for whatever reason (partly I was quite hungover in Xmas day) I didn’t (bearing in mind her mother never bakes her one, and neither has DH ever or ever bought or made one for my kids).

We had a cake here my mum had bought me (special cake that I like) so we “used” that as the birthday cake. DH now wants DSD to take the cake home with her which we have now had a really petty row over and he’s had a go at me for “not bothering” to make her a cake, when in reality I am the only person who normally ever does.

OP posts:
QuantumJump · 28/12/2020 15:57

YANBU to think that he should be the one to sort out her cake, not you.

But YABU to say that she can't take the cake home with her now that it's been co-opted into becoming her birthday cake.

PhatPhanny · 28/12/2020 15:58

I dont get the argument, cut the cake in half, let her take half and you keep half, tell him next year he's baking the birthday cake.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 16:00

I also don’t think it will go down well as the cake is an “alcoholic” cake (DSD is 16).

OP posts:
SpiderGwen · 28/12/2020 16:00

Why can't he sort something out for his child's birthday? You'd done loads of food prep.

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 16:00

I’d tell him to feck right off re not sorting her cake. Last time you’ll do it.

But now it’s her B’day cake tis only right she get to take it home.

Get yourself another of the cakes you like, and eat it yourself!

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 16:16

@partyatthepalace

That’s quite a good idea 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 28/12/2020 16:18

I think you’re being unreasonable, have you ever complained before about making the cake or was it something you chose to do.

I think considering you’ve always made a cake you should have told your dh you weren’t this year. Then it’s down to him.

Even then I think they are children going to their stepmums over Christmas a bit of cake taken home is no hardship really. You should give it to them and dh should replace it.

TingTastic · 28/12/2020 16:20

Poor kid. No one could be bothered to sort a cake for her birthday so you just used one that happened to be hanging around. And now you’re arguing if she can even take it with her. How selfish can the whole family get?

Yes, it’s her Dads responsibility to sort but if you have always done it in the past you should have given him adequate warning that the status quo wasn’t happening this year so he could sort something else

Milkshake7489 · 28/12/2020 16:30

Obviously she should take it home, you decided to use it as her birthday cake so it's hers (though keeping a slice or two back wouldn't be unreasonable if there is plenty left).

If you don't want to be responsible for cake tell your dh to sort it next year.

Fairyliz · 28/12/2020 16:34

Let her take it home. Surely you have enough sugary treats in your house at Christmastime even if you don't normally.

Diverseduvet · 28/12/2020 16:34

Let the girl take the cake. I think usually the cake would end up belonging to the birthday person, once it's been shared with everyone in the house.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/12/2020 16:37

You used it for her birthday so fair enough she takes it home. But make it clear to your DH that next time all arrangements for her birthday are on him.

Jenstar123 · 28/12/2020 16:38

YANBU - Not your responsibility at all...
However YABU for doing it all the time in the past but not telling DH you have an issue with it or that you weren’t doing it this year so he knew to sort something in time. Just draw a line under it and from now on he sorts his DC cakes then there is no confusion.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 16:41

This is nothing to do with being a stepmother and everything to do with you being the default person to sort everything out.

Don’t let your step daughter miss out this year. Have a serious discussion about what is going to happen going forward.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 16:43

I didn’t have an issue with it,

It just didn’t get done this year that’s all.

DH didn’t really give me a choice about using the other cake Tbf.

I just felt bad as my mum got it especially for me.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 28/12/2020 16:45

I don’t really understand the background, where is your DH returning home from after an eight hour drive, how long has he been away, would he have been able to participate in the Christmas food shop is he has been so far away? I know it is a typo, but I can’t work out what you meant to say when you write “DH had to drive 5 hours today to duplex this two kids”. But whatever it sounds like it is another responsibility that is making it harder for him to do some things rather than being lazy.

I don’t think you should be obliged to get his daughter a cake, but if it is something you have previously willingly done you could have given him a heads up as a courtesy.

What I most struggle with though is an adult starting a row over whether a child is entitled to take her birthday cake home. Do you really need the cake yourself that badly?

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 16:52

DH should have either sorted the cake himself or at least asked you or checked with you that you would be able to. I dont like that people come to assume that you'll do something for them just because you have before.

The cake is your cake, you were generous to share it. Child is old enough to understand. Remaining cake stays with you.

GameSetMatch · 28/12/2020 16:53

Give the kids a slice each to take home and you keep the rest?

AliceinBunniland · 28/12/2020 16:53

YANBU about feeling like you are doing a lot and your DH could be doing more

YANBU for not wanting to give away a cake that was a gift from your mum. Why does she need to take the whole cake?

If however as others have said, if DH thought you would make the cake, and he knew you thought that, then it was wrong of you not to tell him. Even if you texted when you were getting drink on Christmas Day to say you're unlikely to be up to making a cake the next day and so he could get one on the way.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 16:54

Child is old enough to understand.

Yes, understand that neither her dad nor her step mother could be bothered to sort her a cake out. You want a child feeling like that? She won’t forget it.

PicsInRed · 28/12/2020 16:57

Is he always this entitled and bossy towards you?

IamMariahScarey · 28/12/2020 16:58

I bet your both making her feel real special right now 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 give her the cake and grow up the pair of you.

livefornaps · 28/12/2020 16:58

Hand over the cake and then give AA a call.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 17:03

She has no idea that the cake wasn’t brought especially for her. She thinks it was for her.

I don’t think getting drunk on Xmas day warrants an alcohol problem 🙄

I haven’t seen my mum much this year for obvs reasons and I had tagged her in a post about this cake as a joke and she managed to come and see me a few ago and said she wanted to buy it for me and we went and got it together.

OP posts:
Amira19 · 28/12/2020 17:03

Christ you used the cake as birthday cake its become homes dont be mean spirited.

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