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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Stepmother

125 replies

Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 15:54

I am the stepmother.

DH returned home on 23rd Dec.

I had done all the food shopping and majority of the Christmas shopping, he had an 8 hour drive home so fair enough.

My 3 adult children came for Xmas day and I did all the cooking and we all got pretty pissed.

DH had to drive 5 hours boxing day to duplex this two kids and it was one of their birthdays.

Usually I buy or make a cake for her, this year for whatever reason (partly I was quite hungover in Xmas day) I didn’t (bearing in mind her mother never bakes her one, and neither has DH ever or ever bought or made one for my kids).

We had a cake here my mum had bought me (special cake that I like) so we “used” that as the birthday cake. DH now wants DSD to take the cake home with her which we have now had a really petty row over and he’s had a go at me for “not bothering” to make her a cake, when in reality I am the only person who normally ever does.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 29/12/2020 02:45

Solve the problem by eating the rest of it

LovePoppy · 29/12/2020 03:14

Even then I think they are children going to their stepmums over Christmas a bit of cake taken home is no hardship really. You should give it to them and dh should replace it

They are going to their fathers

Starlightstarbright1 · 29/12/2020 03:26

@Tal45

I guess the problem is that when you do something every year everyone assumes you want to do it and will continue to do it. When you finally stop for whatever reason they don't think how good it was of you to always do it, they just think how awful it is that this year you 'haven't bothered'. I would let her take the cake seeing as it has been used in lieu of her birthday cake and be having words about exactly what is going to happen next year.

This exactly.

The driving , what you did Christmas Day have no bearings.

If you didn’t want to make a cake you could have picked one up, spoken to dh about this.

Dad is not a mind reader

Original poster

Besswess88 · 29/12/2020 08:43

Never understand why people need to be so mean and nasty here sometimes. Materialistic arseholes slagging off a £12 cake. I am so glad you can stand in judgement of someone who that means something to.

Thanks for the more balanced, sensible and humourous replies to everyone else.

OP posts:

wishywashywoowoo70 · 29/12/2020 08:47

@HTH1

It depends upon the nature of the Bailey’s cake. If it’s this £13 one which is widely available, YABVU:

www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/306928045

However, if it is a specially commissioned and very expensive artisanal Baileys cake ordered for you by your DM from a local baker, YANBU.

bangs gavel

If it us this one it's not boozy anyway. It's only Baileys flavoured. No booze in that bad boy If it is this one I'd give it to SD to take and replace it. Though is he surprised if it is this

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2020 08:56

What would he have done if you hadn’t had a nice non-eaten cake your mum gave you lying around?

AliceinBunniland · 29/12/2020 09:02

Why does it matter what the cake is or how much it costs?

BUT OP can you simply get your DP to get you another one on the basis that you give this one away?

iguanadonna · 29/12/2020 12:49

Give the kid the cake.

Buy yourself another one for NY.

Once she's gone, sit down with DH and go through whose responsibility it thinks it is to arrange birthday festivities for each of the children. Does he really think it's your job to make sure there's cake? Why?

BlueThistles · 29/12/2020 12:56

OP's cake is inappropriate for a teenager.. the cake contains alcohol.. she cannot give the step daughter this cake.. why are people insisting she give this lass a cake that her own Mother would likely get annoyed about... creating an unnecessary issue..

Calmandmeasured1 · 29/12/2020 13:06

We had a cake here my mum had bought me (special cake that I like) so we “used” that as the birthday cake. DH now wants DSD to take the cake home with her
What do you mean by you "used" it as the birthday cake? Did you just put candles on and DSD blew them out and no-one has eaten any? If you decided to use the cake for her birthday then surely it is hers to take home. If you didn't want it used, you should have said so.

Your DH needs to buy or make his DD a cake in her birthday in future. It shouldn't be your responsibility although it wouldn't hurt you to teach him what to do if he doesn't know how to bake.

Just go and get another for yourself.

GuiEtVin · 29/12/2020 13:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

billy1966 · 29/12/2020 13:20

Your first husband was a lazy waster and it sounds as if your second is the same.

Stop doing stuff for him.

Amazing how naturally it comes for some men to have expectations of others but none for themselves.

Take a big step back so there isn't these expectations of you again.

I wouldn't be putti g up with him having a go at you.

JanewaysBun · 29/12/2020 13:24

Why isn't the cake eaten? Boxing day was 2 days ago????
If you want that specific cake them go to Tesco now and buy a replacement one, surely the first one won't be that fresh anyway.
Or half it/take a slice that represents the amount you we see going to eat.

Your DH is a dick, he failed to prepare for his child then took something of yours. Is he usually this selfish?

Scarlettpixie · 29/12/2020 13:24

As OP always makes cake it was not unreasonable for her DH to presume she would do so this time. You got pissed and forgot/ didn’t feel like it this year and when asked about it decided it’s not your responsibility. That’s fine in theory but you have assumed responsibility previously and if you no longer wanted the arrangement should have said so in time for your DH to do something about it himself. Fact is, you don’t really have an issue with doing it, just when you didn’t and got called out for it decided to blame him.

Given he has been driving 8 hours just before and 5 hours on Boxing Day it would seem a sensible arrangement for you to shop/bake.

If your DSD always takes the rest of her cake home then you should let her take the baileys cake. She hasn’t ‘commandeered ‘it as one poster said, it was presented to her as her birthday cake. You don’t then get to say you want it. If you are that bothered get yourself another for new year.

I am sorry for your DSD that on this occasion you decided getting pissed and being hungover was more important than making her (already a bit crap because it is on boxing day) birthday nice. Your DH was out 5 hours. Surely you could have knocked up a cake in that time (as you wanted to keep the baileys one). How Hungover were you?!

As for fall out from it being a baileys cake from her mum, that’s on DH. One of you could have explained the concern to DSD so the cake could be eaten before she goes home or he takes the grief.

Brefugee · 29/12/2020 13:36

Agree that if OP has always made a cake up to now it wasn't unreasonable for her DP to assume she'd done it this year. And also agree that now the cake has been given to DSD as her birthday cake, she should get to take it home.

But: it is extremely UR for OP to do all the parent stuff here, DP absolutely must step up and take over. Didn't he notice lack of cake preparation in the house? (one of my DC - way over 16 - has a birthday this week and we have already had the cake conversation and when it will be made) Didn't he even think to ask if OP would have time to do it? What stopped him getting up and getting to the supermarket to buy a bloody cake?

Agree also that he should now get you a replacement cake just for you.

Everyone on the thread who is all "16 year olds don't need cake" are BVVVU and should rethink their life choices.

CrackALack · 29/12/2020 13:38

Just let her take half the cake home or something and keep some with you. I wouldn't personally get in an argument over keeping a cake tbh. Is it worth it?

But you're not unreasonable for expecting your DH to also make some effort to arrange a cake for his own child's birthday.

Cocomarine · 29/12/2020 15:20

@Brefugee I agree overall with your post, but I disagree on expecting the dad to notice that OP hadn’t sorted out the cake.

She said in the OP that she buys or makes a cake.

So reasonable for him to think a bought cake was around somewhere in the pre-Xmas shop that OP had done. (done as he was working away until 23rd and then faced an 8 hour drive)

Even if she’d baked it - he was gone for 5 hours collecting his daughter. I could bake a cake and clear up easily in that time. It’s not a situation where it would be obvious to him that there was no cake.

Cocomarine · 29/12/2020 15:22

Nobody is being materialistic slagging off a £12 cake. We’re just pointing out that the argument that that cake should be kept because it is oh so special to you is a bit ridiculous when it only cost £12 and can be bought in Asda and Tesco. So it’s hardly difficult to replace.

Starseeking · 29/12/2020 17:43

I'm sympathetic to your issue as a step mum here OP, however the cake is a red herring.

It seems to me this is about your frustration with your DH expecting you to do all the wifework, particularly in relation to your DSC.

Unfortunately your DSD's birthday wasn't the ideal time for that to be expressed. If you allowed the cake to be repurposed (even if through gritted teeth), it became hers to do what she wanted with it. It would be like you saying she has to keep all her presents at your house, or taking them back because to want to control them.

Given it's a few days since Boxing Day, I hope you DID give her the cake to take home, then sat back and let your DH take any flak from her mum for it containing alcohol, it's not your problem.

It sounds like you and your DH need to have a talk about expectations in relation to your DSC, and also how you and he divide responsibilities around the house. If you've been together a long time, and perhaps he works away, it's possible he needs a reminder that he shouldn't be leaving everything to you.

Tehmina23 · 29/12/2020 19:03

Well it's a problem easily solved.

Just say 'let's have a cuppa & I'm sure DSD won't mind sharing her delicious cake to go with it...' next thing you know the cake will all get eaten & there will be none left for her Mother to disapprove of.

grannyinapram · 29/12/2020 21:32

gosh I never got a birthday cake as a child- I didn't die. I didn't feel bad either, parties just weren't my moms thing.
given its actually YOUR cake from YOUR mum, I'd say YOUR 'd'h owes you a cake, an apology and thank you.

grannyinapram · 29/12/2020 21:33

@Tehmina23 I do this with [shock horror] my own children's cakes too

YouBoughtMeAWall · 29/12/2020 21:41

I truly hope all this angst over the cake hasn’t been happening in front of DSD.

LovePoppy · 30/12/2020 00:03

Wait
If I go to my parents for a birthday meal and there is cake.....they are supposed to send it home with me? Then I don’t have to share with my family?

We’ve obviously been doing cake wrong

Brefugee · 31/12/2020 00:29

@Cocomarine I agree overall with your post, but I disagree on expecting the dad to notice that OP hadn’t sorted out the cake.

YMMV - i think that if you set great store by your DC getting a cake, and it's been christmas and your wife has been entertaining the whole time, you would check if there was cake for your DC.

As it happens it's my DCs birthday tomorrow, I've hurt my back and my DH has checked with me that there is cake available. Because he doesn't want his DC to be disappointed. It's not difficult, although i do think it's complicated by OP having done it in the past (knock that on the head, OP)

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