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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Stepmother

125 replies

Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 15:54

I am the stepmother.

DH returned home on 23rd Dec.

I had done all the food shopping and majority of the Christmas shopping, he had an 8 hour drive home so fair enough.

My 3 adult children came for Xmas day and I did all the cooking and we all got pretty pissed.

DH had to drive 5 hours boxing day to duplex this two kids and it was one of their birthdays.

Usually I buy or make a cake for her, this year for whatever reason (partly I was quite hungover in Xmas day) I didn’t (bearing in mind her mother never bakes her one, and neither has DH ever or ever bought or made one for my kids).

We had a cake here my mum had bought me (special cake that I like) so we “used” that as the birthday cake. DH now wants DSD to take the cake home with her which we have now had a really petty row over and he’s had a go at me for “not bothering” to make her a cake, when in reality I am the only person who normally ever does.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2020 17:06

Have I misunderstood this?

You gave the girl the cake for her birthday, therefore it's her birthday cake.

And now you want to stop her taking it home? Confused

Jeez, that's petty in the extreme.

It's just bloody cake.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 17:07

OP - you will get a hard time from some as you are "the step mum"

However, you gave up your own cake because DSD's Father had not done anything - so in my books you sounds pretty decent.

Give her the cake and get another one and a big fork and eat it all yourself and tell him to do it himself next year - her birthday is the same day each year - he should remember it, right? ;)

livefornaps · 28/12/2020 17:09

Well if she thinks it's for her, then why would you snatch it back now?! Bloody hell, you and your husband need to sort out what's happening next year if you're having tantrums like this. And getting plastered than saying nothing should not be on the agenda.

Jenstar123 · 28/12/2020 17:09

Hand over the cake and then give AA a call.

What a ridiculous comment.
So because OP got drunk at Christmas (guess what so did a lot of people!) and didn’t feel up to making a cake she should be handing over her mother’s cake and going to AA? Get a grip. Confused

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:11

However, you gave up your own cake because DSD's Father had not done anything - so in my books you sounds pretty decent.

To get fair to him, rightly or wrongly the op had always sorted a cake so it wasn’t totally out of order to think she had done it again this year. He still should have checked, or the op could have said she hadn’t done it or didn’t want to this year. I’m not sure that issue is black and white.

MorganKitten · 28/12/2020 17:12

You’ve told her it’s her cake... of course she’ll want to take it home.
Why doesn’t he buy his children cakes?

BrumBoo · 28/12/2020 17:12

@PurpleDaisies

Child is old enough to understand.

Yes, understand that neither her dad nor her step mother could be bothered to sort her a cake out. You want a child feeling like that? She won’t forget it.

Jeez the dramatics on this thread! Did the girl get presents, cards, told happy birthday? She's 16, most kids that age just want some good shit and be left to it. At worst, give an apology and then bung her £10 as a substitute for parental love and sugar the cake. I bet she'd be thrilled.

16 year olds traumatised for life over cake, the shit you read in here.....

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 17:12

I think the fact that he said I “hadn’t bothered” pissed me off tbh.

I bother every fucking year for both of them and rather than him (and they) appreciating it (I am not their mother after all and Boxing Day is a shit day to have a birthday for her and also to need to bake a cake).

And the one time I don’t because things were just a bit manic with comings and going’s he has a go at me, rather than seeing it as his responsibility to sort out.

My ex always left it all to me too (birthdays) and didn’t contribute (after we split so I did all the birthdays and Xmas alone) so I guess I feel a bit put upon from all sides.

Which is not DSDs fault at all.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:14

At worst, give an apology and then bung her £10 as a substitute for parental love and sugar the cake. I bet she'd be thrilled.

Having been in a similar situation to the daughter, I bet she won’t be thrilled. She will know what her dad and step mum can’t be arsed to think of her properly.

I bet the op wouldn’t have done that to one of her children.

Tiktaktoe · 28/12/2020 17:15

Just give the child the cake it isn't worth falling out over, would be my take. Why you seem to be responsible for everything is however worth a long conversation. Is there a reason why your dh couldn't pick one up when he went to collect his children?

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 17:16

YANBU, OP.
The father of the 16yr old is the one responsible - not you. So what if you did it last year etc, it was still not your job. You were being a decent step parent - shame your DP hasn't been.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:16

Your dh has put you in a really shit position op.

You just need to hold on to this....
Which is not DSDs fault at all.

Give her the cake. Let your dh sort you out with another one. Be angry with him.

Tiktaktoe · 28/12/2020 17:16

Cross posts. Your dh sounds as bad as your ex!

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 17:17

@PurpleDaisies

At worst, give an apology and then bung her £10 as a substitute for parental love and sugar the cake. I bet she'd be thrilled.

Having been in a similar situation to the daughter, I bet she won’t be thrilled. She will know what her dad and step mum can’t be arsed to think of her properly.

I bet the op wouldn’t have done that to one of her children.

No, but in the same token my kids step mother never made or bought them a birthday cake either, she hated my kids.
OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 17:17

btw - love that step children will sometimes blame the step parent and never their actual parent. Great blame shifting. Can't blame them when they are children, but as adults on MN they really should give their head a wobble and not assume all step mums are evil.

tictac86 · 28/12/2020 17:18

Dh should just buy you another one. It's clear you felt you had no choice in giving the cake up. He should have checked you were sorting the cake and not assumed. Being a step mum is hard enough without your dh making it harder. On here step mums get a really hard time and mainly by people with no experience in step parenting. Every family is different as well.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:19

Can't blame them when they are children, but as adults on MN they really should give their head a wobble and not assume all step mums are evil.

I don’t think all step mums are evil.
Mine is horrible and my dad is a wimp who I’ve lost a lot of respect for because he has let her behave like that.

BrumBoo · 28/12/2020 17:19

Having been in a similar situation to the daughter, I bet she won’t be thrilled. She will know what her dad and step mum can’t be arsed to think of her properly.

Seriously? Over a cake? I mean I also had some pretty shit birthdays, but the lack of cake didn't feature in any of them Hmm.

@Besswess88 could you clarify if your 16 year old stepdaughter has been well catered for otherwise, in terms of a good birthday? Or was the cake going to be the pinnacle of her day?

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:20

It isn’t about the cake @BrumBoo. It is never just about the cake.

It’s the total lack of thought.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 17:21

If the 16 year old will be too distraught to leave her step mothers favourite cake behind then give her the cake and DH buys you a new one tomorrow.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:22

@Nottherealslimshady

If the 16 year old will be too distraught to leave her step mothers favourite cake behind then give her the cake and DH buys you a new one tomorrow.
She shouldn’t be put in that position. It’s her birthday cake. Don’t try and make this about the child being selfish. This is because of the adults failing to get her a cake of her own.
SandyY2K · 28/12/2020 17:22

As she thinks it is her cake...let her take it, but cut yourself a slice (generous one) first.

With all the usual business of Christmas I'm surprised you've previously had the time to bake a cake tbh. Well done.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 17:23

She always gets “transported” on her birthday (Boxing Day) which I always think is a bit shit tbh.

We also spent £80 on a Chinese, allowed her a cider and her dad took her shopping for clothes and lunch yesterday.

OP posts:
drinkinginamanger · 28/12/2020 17:24

Accidentally knock it off the table, grab a fork and enthusiastically eat it off the floor while pouring wine down your throat and doing your best evil stepmother cackle

BrumBoo · 28/12/2020 17:25

@PurpleDaisies

It isn’t about the cake *@BrumBoo*. It is never just about the cake.

It’s the total lack of thought.

@PurpleDaisies nothing but cake has been mentioned by the OP, your 'lack of thought she won't forget' has completely come from that, with your added narrative from an obviously bad childhood. Until the op says otherwise, then we can only assume the daughter is going to have a nice birthday, even without a homemade cake. This is not a 'terrible stepmum moment', its a 'dad shouldn't expect his wife to always sort his children' moment at best.