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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Stepmother

125 replies

Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 15:54

I am the stepmother.

DH returned home on 23rd Dec.

I had done all the food shopping and majority of the Christmas shopping, he had an 8 hour drive home so fair enough.

My 3 adult children came for Xmas day and I did all the cooking and we all got pretty pissed.

DH had to drive 5 hours boxing day to duplex this two kids and it was one of their birthdays.

Usually I buy or make a cake for her, this year for whatever reason (partly I was quite hungover in Xmas day) I didn’t (bearing in mind her mother never bakes her one, and neither has DH ever or ever bought or made one for my kids).

We had a cake here my mum had bought me (special cake that I like) so we “used” that as the birthday cake. DH now wants DSD to take the cake home with her which we have now had a really petty row over and he’s had a go at me for “not bothering” to make her a cake, when in reality I am the only person who normally ever does.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 19:13

@Besswess88

Because it would probably piss her mother off so why do it?

What happens here is up to us.

🤣 so you said it would piss her mother off whilst I was writing that that would be the only reason.
Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 19:15

At least you’ve told the truth now though. It’s not because you want it because mummy bought it for you stamps feet, or because it has alcohol in it. It’s because the girl’s father and mother are not aligned on alcohol in the home.

Ginger1982 · 28/12/2020 19:17

It was clearly unimportant to you OP, just own that. If it had been important, it would have been in your mind without the need to be reminded on the day when you have, very kindly, done it every year so far.

Hillary111 · 28/12/2020 19:18

YANBU. If your OH is that bothered, perhaps he should pull his finger out of his arse and arrange a cake for HIS child himself.

Frankola · 28/12/2020 19:25

Cut it in half. She takes half and you keep half.

Next year your OH sorts his kid's cake out.

vintageyoda · 28/12/2020 19:28

This is pretty simple. She was given the cake for her birthday cake ( regardless of how that came to be), it is so insensitive to then object to her taking it home. I'm so sad for this poor girl. Plus, no one is getting drunk off a cake.
The rest of it is just as sad. Neither her mother or father can be arsed to sort a birthday cake out for their daughter.
You all sound selfish to me. Poor kid.

kursaalflyer · 28/12/2020 19:41

Even if op had made the cake for the last 20 years surely the actual parent would still ask/confirm it was happening this year and if not do something about it? Or does he think all child/kitchen related stuff is wifework?

Oreservoir · 28/12/2020 19:50

Your dh co opted the cake because you hadn’t made one, even though he hadn’t bothered.
Let dsd take the cake and make dh buy you another one.
If the dsd’s Mum kicks off about alcoholic cake it’s on your dh.

Next time hide your cake.

Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 19:57

Usually I’m no supporter of lazy men.
But within their relationship, @Besswess88 has already decided that it’s OK for her to be the one sorting out the cake. Sometimes she makes one -and it does make sense that it’s her, as the dad has a 5 hour drive on Boxing Day. This year he’s been away, only coking back on 23rd after an 8 hour drive. Yes he could sort out the cake - but OP already said it’s fair enough that she did the shopping for that period. It’s not always wifework - just a practical and happy arrangement between a couple.

Only OP fucked up this time. She was responsible for the cake, and she knows it. The time to say that he should sort it, is not on the actual birthday when you forgot to buy it, and got pissed on Xmas Day and forgot you’d forgotten!

So, she recovered it well with the spare Bailey’s cake.

Should that cake now go back with the kid? Yeah, it’s her cake and FFS it’s in Asda, if OP wants one that much, her boyfriend can buy her one.

But the dripfeed complicates things - it’s an alcohol based (in loosest terms!) and the 16yo’s mother won’t approve.

OP needs to decide what her actual issue is.

GlowingOrb · 28/12/2020 19:57

Send her cake home with her

Send your DH to buy you a replacement cake

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 20:05

I don’t have an issue with a 16 yr old having a few ciders, neither does her father, our house our rules. We don’t agree with a lot of stuff that goes on at the RP house but we have given up even knowing about it tbh.

Everything I do is wrong in the eyes of the ex so I do nothing to inflame it.

OP posts:
Jenstar123 · 28/12/2020 20:07

Op I think DH and DSD should be making you a massive cake for your next birthday with a f*ck load of alcohol in it to say thank you for all the cakes you’ve made over the years Xmas GrinWine

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/12/2020 20:26

Send the cake home with her and get your partner to buy you a new one.

HTH1 · 28/12/2020 20:28

@QuantumJump

YANBU to think that he should be the one to sort out her cake, not you.

But YABU to say that she can't take the cake home with her now that it's been co-opted into becoming her birthday cake.

This.
katy1213 · 28/12/2020 20:36

Give her a slice to take home and you keep the rest. You were generous to share in the first place.

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/12/2020 20:59

I have read some bonkers threads on MN but this takes the biscuit ( or cake).
Apparently OP should phone AA because she got pissed on Christmas Day - breaking news, so did lots of people.
OP usually baked a cake for her SD but on this occasion forgot so she is a disgrace etc etc in fact one poster said “ shame on you” . Really ?
The SD has 2 parents ; why couldn’t one of them
sort out a cake ?? And why such a fuss over a bloody cake for a young adult ??

burblish · 28/12/2020 21:21

OP, I’d send her home with the cake as she thinks it was always meant for her. I would then get a whole new cake for yourself, and tell your DH that from now on, sorting out his child’s birthday cake is entirely up to him, the ungrateful tosser (by which I mean him, not your DSD!).

Emeraldshamrock · 28/12/2020 21:30

I'd let her take the cake as it was her birthday cake.
Let DH bake/buy the cake next year, the more you do for him the more he'll take it is self human nature.
Stop mothering him.

HTH1 · 28/12/2020 21:43

It depends upon the nature of the Bailey’s cake. If it’s this £13 one which is widely available, YABVU:

www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/306928045

However, if it is a specially commissioned and very expensive artisanal Baileys cake ordered for you by your DM from a local baker, YANBU.

bangs gavel

CardoMondo · 28/12/2020 21:49

She’s 16 ffs. She doesn’t need a cake and even if she did, Op is not responsible for sorting it out. YANBU

OhCaptain · 28/12/2020 22:23

Honest to god!

Let the girl take her (shit) cake home.
If her mam kicks off, it’ll be to her dad.

If you’re desperate for a replacement, send DH to Tesco to buy one.

What’s the big fucking deal?!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/12/2020 22:27

It’s your cake Hmm. What did your husbands last slave die of?! Does your step daughter regularly commandeer things that don’t belong to her? She’s 16, lm sure she can cope without cake. Surely if he cake was so important to your husband, he could have sorted it?

coldwaterfeed · 28/12/2020 22:32

I would stop baking the cakes and leave birth ya to DH. He’s an entitled fucker.

coldwaterfeed · 28/12/2020 22:32

*birthdays

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 29/12/2020 02:11

YANBU send him to sainsburys to buy a cake for her to take home if he wants her to have one. Why is it even your problem.

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