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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Stepmother

125 replies

Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 15:54

I am the stepmother.

DH returned home on 23rd Dec.

I had done all the food shopping and majority of the Christmas shopping, he had an 8 hour drive home so fair enough.

My 3 adult children came for Xmas day and I did all the cooking and we all got pretty pissed.

DH had to drive 5 hours boxing day to duplex this two kids and it was one of their birthdays.

Usually I buy or make a cake for her, this year for whatever reason (partly I was quite hungover in Xmas day) I didn’t (bearing in mind her mother never bakes her one, and neither has DH ever or ever bought or made one for my kids).

We had a cake here my mum had bought me (special cake that I like) so we “used” that as the birthday cake. DH now wants DSD to take the cake home with her which we have now had a really petty row over and he’s had a go at me for “not bothering” to make her a cake, when in reality I am the only person who normally ever does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 17:26

@drinkinginamanger

GrinGrin

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:27

This is not a 'terrible stepmum moment', its a 'dad shouldn't expect his wife to always sort his children' moment at best.

Which I have said in all my posts. You can go back and read them.

However, now the daughter thinks it is her cake. Why tell her that the adults screwed up and couldn’t be arsed to get her one? The dh needs to make this right for the op by buying her another cake and letting the daughter take this one home.

BrumBoo · 28/12/2020 17:27

@Besswess88

She always gets “transported” on her birthday (Boxing Day) which I always think is a bit shit tbh.

We also spent £80 on a Chinese, allowed her a cider and her dad took her shopping for clothes and lunch yesterday.

That doesn't sound like a hard done by kid to me. Though the attitude about being 'transported' is a bit off, not much a 16 year old can do by themselves during Christmas in terms of travelling a huge distance.
Freddiefox · 28/12/2020 17:27

@BrumBoo

Having been in a similar situation to the daughter, I bet she won’t be thrilled. She will know what her dad and step mum can’t be arsed to think of her properly.

Seriously? Over a cake? I mean I also had some pretty shit birthdays, but the lack of cake didn't feature in any of them Hmm.

@Besswess88 could you clarify if your 16 year old stepdaughter has been well catered for otherwise, in terms of a good birthday? Or was the cake going to be the pinnacle of her day?

But the op, and adult is fussing about giving her a cake and it’s not even her birthday.

My bet is your were trying to make a point to dh that he does nothing and rather than have a conversation about it, you didn’t make your Sd a cake.
You say you didn’t have time, but you had time to make and prep Christmas dinner for your adult children.

You clearly feel hard done by and put upon, I understand, but you made the choice to use your sd to teach your dh a lesson. Shame on you.

You should have spoken to him and told him you weren’t making one which would have been absolutely fine, but you didn’t.

Your sd must feel like shit today.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 17:29

I meant it’s it’s shit for her having to always travel on her birthday.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 28/12/2020 17:29

I guess the problem is that when you do something every year everyone assumes you want to do it and will continue to do it. When you finally stop for whatever reason they don't think how good it was of you to always do it, they just think how awful it is that this year you 'haven't bothered'.
I would let her take the cake seeing as it has been used in lieu of her birthday cake and be having words about exactly what is going to happen next year.

Freddiefox · 28/12/2020 17:30

Which is not DSDs fault at all.

So give her the cake and tell your dh to step you, then with a clear conscience you can step back.

AliceinBunniland · 28/12/2020 17:30

Though the attitude about being 'transported' is a bit off, not much a 16 year old can do by themselves during Christmas in terms of travelling a huge distance.

I read OP's comment as meaning it is a bit rubbish for DSD to always have to travel on her birthday not that it's an in inconvenience to everyone else

BrumBoo · 28/12/2020 17:32

@Besswess88

I meant it’s it’s shit for her having to always travel on her birthday.
Sorry, misread that bit in my head!
BlueThistles · 28/12/2020 17:32

Keep the Cake OP... and tell everyone else to piss the hell off.. get a glass of wine an relax Xmas Grin

Ickiness · 28/12/2020 17:36

The “child” is 16 fgs , hardly a baby
Did she even need a cake??????

But now it’s been offered as her cake then yes let her take it otherwise it looks super petty

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 17:37

Did she even need a cake??????

Everyone needs cake on their birthday.

Dddccc · 28/12/2020 17:40

Honestly its your cake give her half at best or tell your dh to go and buy another one on his way home and stop doing everything for him go on strike haha

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2020 17:57

I would give her a huge slice to take home with her, not the whole cake. Think your mum would be upset that you gifted it on. Next year tell your partner to be better prepared and order one in especially. Its not really your job. The more you do for people, the more they expect. Then they get annoyed when you dont do it! Even though you didn't have to!!!

RobinRedford · 28/12/2020 18:01

Tbh I’d just let Dd take the cake and get your Dh to replace it. Especially as she thinks it’s hers, like you said not her fault
He could’ve easily picked up a cake whilst he was out shopping with his dd so why didn’t you tell him you hadn’t had time to sort it?

But having said that, I’m a step mum and birthdays and Christmas was always down to me so the “not bothering” comment would have riled me. They are adults now, I no longer sort birthdays and only ‘help’ with Xmas presents. (This years Xmas presents still upstairs waiting to be delivered!) If he can’t be bothered then that’s down to him.

If you are happy to continue in future with the cake then do so but I think I’d be telling him that from now on it’s down to him as it’s not your responsibility.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 18:32

If in the morning he had said “please can you do a cake” I probably would have done it but he didn’t and I really enjoyed spending the day with my kids as we don’t do that often, and it kind of went out of my mind to sort it out.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 28/12/2020 18:40

If her birthday is Boxing day why is there any cake left?

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 18:42

Give her the cake and buy yourself one. It’s not her fault - she thinks it’s her cake.

Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 18:49

I’m just here for the dripfeeds:

Almost everyone: - give her the cake
OP: - I can’t, it has alcohol in it, she’s 16
Also OP: - I gave her cider for her birthday

🤣

@Besswess88 question please 🙋🏻‍♀️
Which has more alcohol - a slice of the cake, or a glass of cider?

  1. He shouldn’t leave the cake to you
  2. But you having accepted (1) for years means unless you told him in advance to sort it - you should have sorted it
  3. Having quickly co-opted a back up cake, you’re acting like you’re 6 “but my mummy got me this and it’s my cake” 🤣

Awaits the dripfeed as to why you can’t just go and buy this cake for yourself?

Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 18:50

@Beautiful3

I would give her a huge slice to take home with her, not the whole cake. Think your mum would be upset that you gifted it on. Next year tell your partner to be better prepared and order one in especially. Its not really your job. The more you do for people, the more they expect. Then they get annoyed when you dont do it! Even though you didn't have to!!!
If her mum would be upset instead of pleased that she’d unintentionally saved the day with back up cake, her mum is a dick.
Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 19:03

@Cocomarine

Giving her a cider here is completely different to giving her an “alcoholic” Baileys cake to take home with her 👍🏻

OP posts:
Nnkk · 28/12/2020 19:04

No it’s not really.

So she can drink alcohol and eat it in a cake, just not take the cake home? Confusing dot com.

Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 19:05

[quote Besswess88]@Cocomarine

Giving her a cider here is completely different to giving her an “alcoholic” Baileys cake to take home with her 👍🏻[/quote]
How? How is it different? I really want this explanation.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 28/12/2020 19:10

Because it would probably piss her mother off so why do it?

What happens here is up to us.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 28/12/2020 19:12

I mean, you even said “alcoholic” yourself, because it’s not exactly hardcore, is it? 🤣 it’s only the frosting that’s got a wee bit of Bailey’s in it.

The only reason not to send that home is if you know her mother wouldn’t approve of that amount (which is this, by the way: >>>

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