Page 9 | To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

w0rkout · 2020-12-28T14:12:59+00:00

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

Icenii · 28/12/2020 16:24

I agree that people are confusing issues relating to seperated parents and blaming it on being a blended family. This makes you question what else is being misinterpreted.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 16:25

Divorce is shit for everyone involved. Except the person who wanted it. The kids and the spouse who didn’t get the fall out.

I wanted the divorce because he was abusive and the relationship was dysfunctional and he was snagging his now wife.

Divorce was still shit for me. Even though I chose it.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 16:25

*Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

All of that apart from the two I've crossed out are a result of having divorced parents, not step parents.

Say what you mean OP. Don't use step parents as a scapegoat.
*
Most of these, for me, were because of having a step mum.

OP posts:

Coffeepot72 · 28/12/2020 16:25

@micah I suspect that a sizeable chunk of problems in step families can be attributed to Disney Dads …

Bollss · 28/12/2020 16:26

@w0rkout

*Different clothes Different meal times Different snack allowances Different levels of freedom Different expectation around phone/gaming use Different town Different friends/no friends because only there EOW No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW Christmas without father every year Never just saying 'mum and dad' Having step and half siblings Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

All of that apart from the two I've crossed out are a result of having divorced parents, not step parents.

Say what you mean OP. Don't use step parents as a scapegoat.
*
Most of these, for me, were because of having a step mum.

So your dad wasn't present and had no say over any of this? I find that unlikely.

TicTacTwo · 28/12/2020 16:27

@lyralalala

The adults are the key. A lot of the time when step-kids have a horrible time with their step-parent it's actually because their parent is shit.

My girls had an awful time with their ex-step-mother. She treated them horribly. The main problem though was their father accepting that. He allowed things, because his happiness was the only important thing to him, that I would never, ever have allowed.

A lot of people say that DH and I have been lucky with our blended family, but whilst a small part has been luck the majority has been down to hard work on our part.

The selfishness, or not, of the adults is the big key

This is our situation too. Ex is very Disney and had his head in the sand over issues between his gf and the kids. It ended up with kids saying that they won't visit if she's there and they haven't seen her since. She goes to visit her parents on contact weekends. I suspect that when the kids had problems with his gf that he told them what they wanted to hear and hoped that things would blow over by the next contact and never told her what the kids said. The kids eventually got pissed off at the lack of apologies hence the ultimatum. His gf wasn't doing anything really bad but I suspect she wasn't given the heads up not to do certain things so kept on doing them. Ex is very Disney so if the kids had been unreasonable in their expectations he would have never been a parent and explain that they were unreasonable.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 28/12/2020 16:27

That is of course a crucial factor genie and it is impossible to safeguard your child entirely from separation and blended families. DH is also from a blended family however and is very anti divorce as a consequence so I believe that apart from abuse we would both choose to live together amicably even if we stopped loving each other.

Icenii · 28/12/2020 16:27

Most of those things above are because you had two homes.

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 16:28

@Icenii

I agree that people are confusing issues relating to seperated parents and blaming it on being a blended family. This makes you question what else is being misinterpreted.

It's because people find it easier to blame step parents than to think it's actually because of the fact they got divorced. People don't want to be responsible for what the OP has described and so find someone else to blame for it.

I don't even agree that divorce is always bad for the kids. People shouldn't be made to feel like they have to stay in abusive miserable marriages and so on... My own experience of having divorced parents was much more positive than them being together.

But that's why. Because people don't want to admit it was actually the parents divorce that was the problem for the child, not the step parent.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 16:28

All of those in that list happened to my kids regardless of whether there was or wasn’t a step parent in the picture.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2020 16:28

In reality a lot of step fathers are much better parents than bio dads

A lot of stepmums are better than the dads too. Who do you think looks after the children and does all of the donkey work if the father doesn’t? Mr Nobody must do it. Stepmums seem to be the forgotten heroes in all of this.

mummy2oli · 28/12/2020 16:29

I agree. I see the hurt in ds when he returns from his dads about how the other child got a lot more than him. Day to day, and for birthday and Christmas etc How he has the box room, how he can not do anything with his dad with out the other child being there.
I feel I have to compensate here for him. He has 2 rooms at mine, I go without new clothes, nights out, activities for me, so that he gets the clothes, does the activities he wants etc.

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 16:29

Most of these, for me, were because of having a step mum

Nope, if you experienced most of those things because you had a step mother then you had a shit father who didn't stand up for you. Again, the blame is with your parent who should have done more to ensure that didn't happen.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 16:30

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

That is of course a crucial factor genie and it is impossible to safeguard your child entirely from separation and blended families. DH is also from a blended family however and is very anti divorce as a consequence so I believe that apart from abuse we would both choose to live together amicably even if we stopped loving each other.

I don't agree that that's any good for children either, sets a bad example but each to their own.

Anon19493 · 28/12/2020 16:30

@Nnkk I was gonna say something similar. Divorce can still be shit for the person who "wanted" it. Sometimes it's not about wanting a divorce as such is it, it's about not wanting the shitty behaviour that comes with the marriage and divorce being the only option.

See my biggest issue with your post OP is that you're blaming separation issues on your stepmum. And then you wonder why some of us stepmums feel defensive. You say you aren't blaming her but really you are. Unless your stepmum was the OW, it's not her fault you were split between two homes as your parents marriage ended up in divorce.

mygrandchildrenrock · 28/12/2020 16:31

@Llamakoala said You are the adult and it is your responsibility to treat the child of your partner how you would want your own child to be treated, and no less.

This is so true, treat step-children as you would want your own child to be treated. Like many of you I experienced a dreadful childhood at the hands of an evil woman who became my step-parent. Her first words when she took me to a new school were, 'this is mygrandchildrenrock and she's a liar'. Just in case I might try and tell someone how awful my life was.
Children from the first marriage/relationship should always be treated equally to any subsequent children, it's not their fault they have become step-children.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 28/12/2020 16:31

I agree that the divorce aspect was shit but my parents remarrying was where things really went wrong. So for me it was the blended family aspect that caused the majority of the pain and long term damage. And yes my bio parent was primarily at fault for not protecting me from the step parent which is why I am NC with both of them.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 16:32

@mummy2oli

I agree. I see the hurt in ds when he returns from his dads about how the other child got a lot more than him. Day to day, and for birthday and Christmas etc How he has the box room, how he can not do anything with his dad with out the other child being there. I feel I have to compensate here for him. He has 2 rooms at mine, I go without new clothes, nights out, activities for me, so that he gets the clothes, does the activities he wants etc.

So you don't explain to him that perhaps that's because he gets a second set of everything from you and the other child doesn't? How that child lives there ft so it makes sense they have a bigger room, you just over indulge him and leave yourself short instead? Wow...

ChestnutStuffing · 28/12/2020 16:33

Yeah, they can, but like some said above, I think the main thing is having divorced parents is kind of shit. Even when they are divorced for good reasons and try and make it really work for the kids.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 28/12/2020 16:33

I think that very much depends on the situation genie. Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

CrackALack · 28/12/2020 16:33

it's not her fault you were split between two homes as your parents marriage ended up in divorce

And if she was horrible to you, your DAD should have left and not allowed it.

I'm not suggesting it's blameless to be a horrid step parent, obviously it's not. But the book ultimately stops with the child's parent. If their child is not being treated well, they should leave.

But still, everything you described in your OP is a result of having two homes and because your parents divorced.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 16:35

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I think that very much depends on the situation genie. Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

It's not an example of a "working relationship", is it? It's a lifeless marriage. I don't want my child growing up thinking that's normal, or something to aspire to. A working relationship doesn't make a happy family. A working relationship is what you have with work colleagues. Not someone you live with.

wizzbangfizz · 28/12/2020 16:36

If we ever spilt up I couldn't create a step family I've seen too many toxic situations. Plus as a PP said there have been a few threads on here which have stuck with me - largely the resentment that is often felt towards stepchildren when a new baby arrives and usually the step mother "wanting her own little family" and to exclude the partners previous children. I also know that I would never want to be a step parent ever.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2020 16:36

I’ve ended up in a nesting situation with my ex I HATE it.
He’s alcohol dependent at night and can’t be trusted to have the children over with him as he doesn’t wake up in the morning. So the only option was to let him see them here at mine a couple of days a week.

I can’t fucking shake him off and move on with my life, so something needs to change.

So I can’t add anything positive to the nesting suggestion at all.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 28/12/2020 16:38

The thing is we all have opinions based on our experiences and those of the people around us and based on my experiences I would far rather my DS see an example of a friendly but not romantic marriage than the toxicity of the blended families I experienced and have seen others suffer. If I had had a good experience of blended families and had seen friends with good experiences then I would probably feel very different but I didnt.