To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

So basically I should have stayed and got abused.

That’s what you’re saying.

I did the best I could for my children. I didn’t think it was healthy for them to see me getting abused emotionally and physically and yes, sexually (which they didn’t see).

I didn’t think it was healthy for my children to be brought up in a dysfunctional home where emotional abuse and coercive behaviour was the norm.

I left precisely because I was putting my children first.

How fucking dare you have a list of all the reasons I’m a shit parent for putting my children first.

an example of a friendly but not romantic marriage

I'd have hated my parents to martyr themselves for me, and stay in an unhappy marriage which doesn't allow them to move on or meet other people.

@funinthesun19

I’ve ended up in a nesting situation with my ex I HATE it. He’s alcohol dependent at night and can’t be trusted to have the children over with him as he doesn’t wake up in the morning. So the only option was to let him see them here at mine a couple of days a week.

I can’t fucking shake him off and move on with my life, so something needs to change.

So I can’t add anything positive to the nesting suggestion at all.

I agree that that is not a good situation! I am basing my preference for it on the fact that DH is a non abusive person with no substance abuse issues and has similar views on divorce and blended families to me.

@Nnkk

So basically I should have stayed and got abused.

That’s what you’re saying.

I did the best I could for my children. I didn’t think it was healthy for them to see me getting abused emotionally and physically and yes, sexually (which they didn’t see).

I didn’t think it was healthy for my children to be brought up in a dysfunctional home where emotional abuse and coercive behaviour was the norm.

I left precisely because I was putting my children first.

How fucking dare you have a list of all the reasons I’m a shit parent for putting my children first.

That's basically what they are saying yes.

I don't agree mind. But yeah, everything the OP gave an example of is because her parents were divorced and then perhaps later on because her father didn't put her first, not because of some fairytale wicked step mother.

Sorry Op, but some step children are little shits who never change.

Yeah I was branded as that. It's taken a long time to realise the adults in my life were the ones who should have been looking out for me, not blaming me.
A long time and a good relationship with my daughter myself (and I split from her father years ago) to realise that the adults are the ones with the responsibility.

Some children, regardless of their family situations are difficult or challenging, in the same way some step parents (my daughter's step mum for example) are amazing and some bio parents are actually the biggest part of the problem.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

The thing is we all have opinions based on our experiences and those of the people around us and based on my experiences I would far rather my DS see an example of a friendly but not romantic marriage than the toxicity of the blended families I experienced and have seen others suffer. If I had had a good experience of blended families and had seen friends with good experiences then I would probably feel very different but I didnt.

I mean it's your choice, and you can do as you please but personally I feel I'd take the chance. I wouldn't enter another relationship with a man with children, but if dp did I'd trust him to deal with it properly as he has with me and his son. I wouldn't stay in a loveless marriage as I personally feel it's a bad example and I wouldn't want my child to do it. Everyone deserves real happiness and contrary to popular belief kids can have that with separated parents.

@Nnkk you did the right thing for you and your DC. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

@Icenii

Most of those things above are because you had two homes.

I had one home, and one quasi home and was pushed out by my step mum and sister

the adults are the ones with the responsibility

I agree with this. I am yet to come across
shit blended family situation which has been caused by the children and not the adults. But that's all of the adults, not just step parents.

It is absolutely not uncommon for the parents to cause half the issues as well, exes not wanting their kids to get close to another woman, Disney parenting from dad causing lack of respect in his home and so on...

I know a few families where everyone gets on really nicely, including mum and step mum, and lo and behold, everyone seems to be pretty happy.

It’s unreasonable to suggest that children having an issue with being step children is purely because of divorce.

It goes without saying that if a step parent is treating the kids badly then the parent should be doing something about that, but the step parent is still treating the children badly and they are responsible for that.

I think one of the biggest issues is when divorced parents go on to have more children. So you have children who only spend eOW there while you have some full-time children, it’s the perfect way to make those children feel like second class.

had one home, and one quasi home and was pushed out by my step mum and sister
Where was your dad?

Thanks @Anon19493. But what the fuck am I supposed to think when I read that list?

Yes I picked badly but fuck me I didn’t know that until after I had my second child and he turned on me. I was young. It was creeping abuse and it wasn’t always bad. My self esteem was in the toilet and I had no family of my own to stick up for me.

I am not saying it’s amazingly fabulous for children but fuck me like it’s not as if I thought oh let’s fuck my my children and go live in a shitty damp hole with fuck all money and drag myself up by my ears because he won’t give me fuck all and will drag me in and out of court to get access to HIS children because HE HAS RIGHTS.

I am fucking disgusted at this thread.

I had one home, and one quasi home and was pushed out by my step mum and sister

That wouldn't have happened if your parents hadn't divorced (and your dad put you first) though?

I know blended families and divorce are complex, but I for one had a real fairy tale step mother... you know the type.

If you have a read through the Statly home thread, you get an insight as to my upbringing. Some step parents are stereotypes. Nobody else to blame but them.

I believe that where there is abuse Nnkk that you should leave as quickly as you possibly can. You absolutely did the right thing for both you and your DC.

I apologise if I have upset anyone. As I said I have recently had a breakdown about the damage done to me by my particular situation and am having to come to terms with the huge impact it has had on my life. I am having therapy but unfortunately I am not yet able to take an objective view on this issue which I do feel very passionately about.

@w0rkout

I agree with *@IceCreamAndCandyfloss*

The children need to be put first until they're adults and can understand

Are you honestly stating that parents should remain single if they divorce and have children?

Adopting the attitude that you'll leave it all for your partner to deal with works ok for a while

I don't get involved with parenting my partner's children, and I never have. It's a choice I made. I don't want to be "step mum" - just dad's partner. And it's worked not just for a "while", but for the best part of 5 years.

If you want to be the centre of someone's universe/ attention... I'd give it a miss, you'll be right down the pecking order.

Again - I have never in my 5 year relationship felt "bottom of the pecking order". My partner strives for (and is quite successful at achieving) a healthy balanced life where he devotes time equally to his kids and his relationship. It works well. No one needs to accept second best in a relationship just because children are involved, if you have a partner who is willing and able to work to achieve that balance.

I have bloody well remained single.

My children still have a stepparent and step siblings.

Because fuckwit gonna fuckwit.

Me staying single didn’t stop that.

@Nnkk

Thanks *@Anon19493*. But what the fuck am I supposed to think when I read that list?

Yes I picked badly but fuck me I didn’t know that until after I had my second child and he turned on me. I was young. It was creeping abuse and it wasn’t always bad. My self esteem was in the toilet and I had no family of my own to stick up for me.

I am not saying it’s amazingly fabulous for children but fuck me like it’s not as if I thought oh let’s fuck my my children and go live in a shitty damp hole with fuck all money and drag myself up by my ears because he won’t give me fuck all and will drag me in and out of court to get access to HIS children because HE HAS RIGHTS.

I am fucking disgusted at this thread.

Hey!! Stop it. You 100% did the right thing and as someone who had a total arsehole of a dad ( I still saw him too) I am insanely glad my mum left. It was the single best decision she ever made. I am not damaged by this. I don't have a worse life as a consequence, I have a better one.

You have done the right thing. Not all children of separated parents feel like the op, I promise you.

Two box rooms in separate homes is not the same as one nice bedroom

My daughter is a step child. She has a huge room at this house and a much smaller one at dad's where she stays EOW. Similarly, my partner's kids have huge rooms of their own at their mum's, and share a smaller room when they stay here EOW. It balances out. They aren't shoved in a box room in both places.

How am I supposed to have stopped my ex remarrying?

It’s unreasonable to suggest that children having an issue with being step children is purely because of divorce

No one should treat a child badly.

But I'm not having for a second that all of this...

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

Is a result of having step parents and not just the result of having divorced parents.

I lived like that way before my mum ever met my now step father. In fact most children of divorced parents have to go through some degree of all of that whether or not their parents have other partners. None of the above would happen if the initial divorce hadn't. It's ridiculous to blame it on the fact you have a step parent.

No one should be horrible to a child, step parents included. As I say, they are not blameless if they are treating a child badly but it absolutely is the responsibility of the parent to get their child out of that situation if it's happening.

If my dad had allowed me to be treated badly by his wife, he would be the one I blamed. I was his child. She may be a horrible woman but he had the ultimate responsibility for me as my parent to make sure I was cared for and treated well.

Regardless though, the fact I had a step father is irrelevant to any of what the OP said, I still had to go between two houses, see one parent less than the other, have Christmas without one of them, not be able to say mum and dad etc... Because they were separated.

I agree that that is not a good situation! I am basing my preference for it on the fact that DH is a non abusive person with no substance abuse issues and has similar views on divorce and blended families to me.

I think it will work out well for you all and you can only try it. If it doesn’t work I’m sure you’ll figure things out the “normal” way. You both sound like reasonable people who get on well which is a good foundation for any set up.

Honestly, I cannot cope with this set up at all. He’s still an emotionally abusive arsehole towards me and the laziest of lazy parents. He loves this set up because he barely has to lift a finger and it probably feels cozy to him 🤢 Something has to change in the new year.

Not all children of separated parents feel like the op

I'm glad my parents divorced @Nnkk. It wasn't abusive like your situation but I definitely didn't feel the way OP described about it. You did the best thing for your children.

@Nnkk I can't imagine how hard it must be reading this thread in your position. You absolutely have not fucked up your DC. It was an awful situation for you, one that you could never had predicted when you got together, but you got yourself and your DC out of it. Just remember that happy children of separated parents are far less likely to comment on a thread like this than those who were unhappy. This thread really isn't representative of all DC in blended/ separated families.