To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I hope to never separate but if I did I would push for a nesting arrangement where DS stayed put and the adults moved. If adults choose to break up they should bear the disruption not their children. Obviously this wouldn't work in the case of abuse.

I personally think this is hugely confusing and inappropriate. In fact i think it's a recipe for trouble.

@Backbee

just prove why blended families don't work. Because they just don't work

What would your solution be? That parents stay together even if they're both unhappy or even worse it's a toxic environment? Or that they can split, but neither are allowed to have a long term partner or marry again- or have children? That children aren't allowed to see one parent just so they are always in one household? It is a hard and shit situation, but realistically what would you propose?

It's a shit situation to be admitted by all involved. Unfortunately not much can be done, but it does need admitting.

I split from my ex. For very good reasons.

I did not have a relationship for a long time as I made a decision not to have a relationship while me children were young and lived at home.

My youngest is at uni and I am dating a lovely man.

However, my ex immediately inflicted a horrific woman on my children who is now their stepmother and I am dealing with the fall out from A Boxing Day visit as I type this.

From reading this thread it seems I am to blame for inflicting a split home scenario on my children, yet it was court ordered and I had to obey the law.

What is the alternative? That I stayed in the family home getting abused?

I didn’t know he was abusive until I had children.

And agree with a pp, some parents do teach their children to be vile to the step parent. In my case when Dp and I went to pick up sc their other parent would be standing waiting with them. As soon as we approached the parent would turn the child around and them too so they would be standing with their backs to us so they didn't have to look at us. I wasn't the other woman either, they had split up years before we had even met each other. Sorry Op, but some step children are little shits who never change. Others are fantastic.

Every situation is different, I know some wonderful step families. My cousins adult DCs call her partner dad, his parents Nan and grandad, their DCs call him grandad and they absolutely love him to bits. He’s been their Dad since they were young even if he’s not their biological dad.

I think a hard part of step families is also when the relationship between step parted and parent also breaks up and because they are only the step parent they don’t have any rights to stay in that child’s life. This happened to me when I broke up with my exDH, he didn’t care about me seeing my stepdaughter or her me. He was actually upset with her when we told her we were separating because she wanted to spend one more day with me. That night her mum phoned because she wouldn’t stop crying because she was never going to see me again. My ex didn’t care, said she’d get over it. Anyway luckily her mum who I had a civil relationship with, wanted me to remain part of her daughter’s life as long as she wanted me too. My ex had no say in the matter. Sixteen years later and we still have a good relationship. Many other mums would not have done what my stepdaughters mum did.

@Icenii

It's amazing to see what is being blamed on step parents when actually it is just down to divorced parents.

Agreed. Half the reasons given would be the same whether or not a step parent existed.

If your parents divorce, you still go between two houses, may have different rules, can't say mum and dad etc...

So what you're really saying is being the child of divorced parents is shit.

If that's how you feel at least place the blame where it actually lies.

My step dad wasn't the reason I couldn't say mum and dad, or I had two houses, or why I had to separate my time between my parents and so on... My parents divorce was the reason for that.

Are you suggesting miserable parents should stay together for the kids sake? If you are fine but at least actually say what you mean.

I know a few happy step families.

A relative of mine nearly ended a relationship as his partner was showing signs of resentment to the child. Somehow they worked it out and SM and the teenage DSD have a lovely relationship. I think SM realised that she was projecting the issues toxic mum created onto the child and didn’t see that dads reactions were to protect his child.

SM and teenage DSD have a truly lovely relationship they even go visit her parents (country) without dad.

My friend... well I don’t know if she would even attempt to save her partners children if the house was on fire, but while her reactions have been shocking I fully blame dad as he is failing in his responsibility to protect his children.

No solution is perfect genie but I would want to try that because of my experience of the other option. However I will continue to work hard on keeping my marriage happy so I don't have to face between choosing between two rubbish outcomes. As OP says there isn't a good solution if parents split up but that doesn't mean we should sweep it all under a carpet.

Being a step child is hard, and not many people understand it unless the have been in that situation.

Even with the best intention a step parent will never love a stepchild in the same way as their own. My stepmum, who is very kind and shows a lot of love never really wanted me there for extended periods, family holidays I was excluded from as she wanted my dad to herself with their children only. It was a similar thing at Christmas.

It also makes it very difficult when it comes to money and inheritance in making a judgement of what it fair. I know my half-siblings for example get a lot more financial help than what I do. I also find men such as my dad don't really seem to see/or chose to oversee the inequalities.

I would never have married a man with children as I just know I am not a strong enough person to love other people's children and put their needs before mine
If I split with my DH I would not have a relationship until my DC adults

In reality a lot of step fathers are much better parents than bio dads. They stick around and do the day to day drudge. They step up.

Many bio dads are deadbeats and this is exacerbated when they marry equally morally corrupt/insecure women who treat the children like an inconvenience at the best of times rather than just admit they wished they didn't exist.

Harsh but true. You only have to read some of the scary stories on here to feel nothing but despair for a lot of step children.

But as per usual it's easy to use step parents as a scapegoat for what is more commonly the parents fault.

Sorry Op, but some step children are little shits who never change.

What a lovely way to talk about children.

My parents separated when I was small, and thankfully this was before the days of access rotas and EOW arrangements. I stayed with mum, who went on to marry a really nice chap who I’m still close too.

It would have been my idea of hell to spend EOW in a different house. I still saw my Dad at weekends but no overnighting required. It worked just fine. I have never been convinced that living across two different households is a positive thing for a child.

But the issues the op is complaining of, in the main, are to do with divorce, and having divorced parents.

So what that says to me is that I shouldn’t have left and should have stayed in a dysfunctional abusive marriage.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

No solution is perfect genie but I would want to try that because of my experience of the other option. However I will continue to work hard on keeping my marriage happy so I don't have to face between choosing between two rubbish outcomes. As OP says there isn't a good solution if parents split up but that doesn't mean we should sweep it all under a carpet.

Nobodies saying sweep it under the carpet but "nesting" is an awful idea imo. Much worse than the traditional two houses option.

It’s kinda hard to work on keeping your marriage happy when your husband is shagging outside of it.

In reality a lot of step fathers are much better parents than bio dads

Perhaps the case generally but the reason I say I love my step dad isn't because he's a better parent/more like a bio dad to me.

I actually lived with my Dad, he was my resident parent. He is a great Dad. He wasn't absent or anything.

I still love my step dad and am glad he's in my life. It isn't either or in my situation.

He was kind to me, he makes my mum happy, we have a laugh. He didn't make me feel unwelcome. He's another grandpa to my kids now. It's not because he took over the role of an absent dad. He's just a nice person and my life benefitted from having him in it.

I respect that opinion genie and that might very well turn out to be the case but I would want to at least try it.

My parents divorced when I was 12. They both remarried again quickly and divorced again quickly. It was all rather public amd scandalous in a small town in 1971. My headmistress called me to her office, looked me up and down and said scathing "time will tell us if you have more substance than your mother."

I was close to my father who loved me unconditionally whereas my mother is a classic narcissistic personality.

However SF 1 who I treated with contempt was fair and nice and understood what having children meant. Whereas SM 1 didn't have children and the fact that my father had a child was of no consequence to her. Anyway both marriages were over by the time I was about 16. Mother had already started an affair with SF2 and I went to boarding school for 6th form. They got married when I was 21. Father didn't meet SM2 until I was in my 30s. SF2 had never had children and like with SM1 I have always been of zero consequence to him. SM2 had two dd's and fully understood my importance to my father - she was widowed rather than divorced.

When my father died I knew I would never be a priority for mother. Neither she nor her husband have any understanding of how much I love my DC.

I was never abused, never went without, and never saw a parent physically abused but it's complex and it messes with things like fundamental trust and self confidence. The one thing it taught me was that you never, ever mess your children about.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I respect that opinion genie and that might very well turn out to be the case but I would want to at least try it.

Fair enough, would your ex though? It's a big ask to essentially not move on with your life at all until your child is 18.

@Nnkk

But the issues the op is complaining of, in the main, are to do with divorce, and having divorced parents.

So what that says to me is that I shouldn’t have left and should have stayed in a dysfunctional abusive marriage.

Agree.

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

All of that apart from the two I've crossed out are a result of having divorced parents, not step parents.

Say what you mean OP. Don't use step parents as a scapegoat.

That’s the thing. I decided not to have a relationship with another person until my kids grew up but my ex made a different decision and they now have a step mother and 4 step siblings.

@Heckypeck yes absolutely. I should have stated that in post.

In reality a lot of step fathers are much better parents than bio dads. They stick around and do the day to day drudge. They step up

It is also much easier to be involved in a childs life and parent them properly when you live with them. Especially when you’ve been in the childs life from very young.

My brother has been excluded from his childs life at every turn. He’s had to write solicitors letter to schools, doctors, dentists etc to force them to give him information about his own kids. His ex wouldn’t tell him simple things like when parents evening was, as she took her new husband instead. She didn’t involve him in choosing schools, when she decided not to vaccinate the youngest, when one needed medication.

The stepdad was there for all of it.

Parenting EOW is tough. Especially if financially you’re not able to afford a decent sized house where the kids can have their own space. You don’t want to ruin your time together by disciplining or telling the kids off, so “disney dads” are born.

Divorce is shit for everyone involved. Except the person who wanted it. The kids and the spouse who didn’t get the fall out.