To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

It’s the inequities you notice as a child that hurt. Less room, less one to one time, less privacy, less gifts, less days out, missing out on holidays etc. Christmas really highlighted the difference in gifts and sent a very clear message.

For me and friends it got worse when new children came along and everything revolved around them.

It’s not something I would ever want for own so yes I’d keep any dating life separate from my children if I was ever single until they flew the nest.

Yes inequalities really hurt

@dontdisturbmenow

For most it has nothing to do at all about the number of presents they receive. If they do, they are just spoilt.

What does matter is the message behind the lesser number of gifts. It's when the message is, because you get more at mum's, you are not as important to US. If you lived here and was part of OUR family, you'd get as much but because you have the misfortune to live more days at your mother, you are not as important.

That's the message the kid gets out of it. It hurts and to avoid the pain, you detach yourself which creates the vicious circle that many step families fall into, almost a war of who emotionally detached themselves further.

Oh another poster who "doesn't understand and it wrong"

Thank you Don't,
I thought I was the only one with a bit of empathy and understanding of how children's little minds work x

@dontdisturbmenow

For most it has nothing to do at all about the number of presents they receive. If they do, they are just spoilt.

What does matter is the message behind the lesser number of gifts. It's when the message is, because you get more at mum's, you are not as important to US. If you lived here and was part of OUR family, you'd get as much but because you have the misfortune to live more days at your mother, you are not as important.

That's the message the kid gets out of it. It hurts and to avoid the pain, you detach yourself which creates the vicious circle that many step families fall into, almost a war of who emotionally detached themselves further.

Oh god here we go. Why don't I feel like that as a step child who has experienced it?

Or did I just understand that I got two Christmases but my stepsister didn't? (Her dad was uninvolved)

My son gets less than his brother every year. Why is that okay? His parents get him more in total than we get our son, why is that fine?

It's the double standard that annoys me it and usually comes from people who have no idea what they're talking about.

Oh another poster who "doesn't understand and it wrong"

Yep a whole one!!

Thank you Don't
I thought I was the only one with a bit of empathy and understanding of how children's little minds work x

I'm sure you're both in good company ripping step mums to shreds on the step parenting board x

This thread has really highlighted how contentious the issue is, and therefore how complex and hard to get right.

I had less room, less days out, less treats, less holidays, less everything when my parents divorced and my dad moved away.
Funnily enough I had more when my mother remarried.

It'd swings and roundabouts.

I really believe many issues that stepchildren who had negative experienced were because of seperated parents and not step families, and they have projected. I also think it isn't worth debating with these people because they will always extrapulate that all or most step mothers are vile.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Oh another poster who "doesn't understand and it wrong"

Yep a whole one!!

Thank you Don't
I thought I was the only one with a bit of empathy and understanding of how children's little minds work x

I'm sure you're both in good company ripping step mums to shreds on the step parenting board x

I don't think I've ever posted on it.

Looking at a situation from the point of view of the affected child doesn't make us arseholes.

Looking at a situation from the point of view of the affected child doesn't make us arseholes.

You're ignoring that there is more than 1 affected child.

It's when the message is, because you get more at mum's, you are not as important to US. If you lived here and was part of OUR family, you'd get as much but because you have the misfortune to live more days at your mother, you are not as important.

OR - "because you don't get as much as your dad's, you get your main presents here" / "because you have your main presents at your mum's, it might seem like you have slightly less here".

AND - because you are part of 2 families, you get two lots of pressies split across the two homes, but your little sister/brother only has one home and so their pile might look a bit bigger".

Also - the "misfortune to live more days with your mother"? What nonsense is this? My daughter is less fortunate because she spends more days with me than with her dad? 🤔

@Icenii

I had less room, less days out, less treats, less holidays, less everything when my parents divorced and my dad moved away. Funnily enough I had more when my mother remarried.

It'd swings and roundabouts.

I really believe many issues that stepchildren who had negative experienced were because of seperated parents and not step families, and they have projected. I also think it isn't worth debating with these people because they will always extrapulate that all or most step mothers are vile.

My step mother isn't vile. I like her. But there have been issues with fairness

@LouJ85

It's when the message is, because you get more at mum's, you are not as important to US. If you lived here and was part of OUR family, you'd get as much but because you have the misfortune to live more days at your mother, you are not as important.

OR - "because you don't get as much as your dad's, you get your main presents here" / "because you have your main presents at your mum's, it might seem like you have slightly less here".

AND - because you are part of 2 families, you get two lots of pressies split across the two homes, but your little sister/brother only has one home and so their pile might look a bit bigger".

Also - the "misfortune to live more days with your mother"? What nonsense is this? My daughter is less fortunate because she spends more days with me than with her dad? 🤔

This is also equating material items with "importance". What about quality time spent with either parent? Does that count for nothing in terms of making a child feel important?

I've simply said that being a step child is shit

Yet 95% of the reasons you gave for why being a step child is shit is actually because your parents divorced, not because you had a step parent... That's the point.

Lots of children of divorced parents go through everything in your list even if their parents don't have a new partner.

Before my mum met her husband, my step father, I still had to travel between two houses, see one parent less, not be able to say mum and dad, spend less time at Christmas with one, have different rules in different houses. BECAUSE MY PARENTS WEREN'T TOGETHER. My step dads arrival didn't cause all of that, their divorce did obviously.

Looking at a situation from the point of view of the affected child doesn't make us arseholes
Oh yes it does! That's the bit I don't get. The defensiveness that the moment you look at a situation from the eye of the child, you are deemed to be condemning the SM and therefore wrong.

@LouJ85

*My daughter being a good example. She came back from Christmas Day at her dad's, took one look at what was waiting for her under the tree at our house, and excitedly shouted "oh my god this is double the amount I got at dad's!! Arghhh I'm so excited!!"

See?? DP's kids had the same experience; the opposite way around.

You're intent on framing it negatively, and it really isn't always the case.*

Would you have framed it positively if DP's kids arrived and said "oh my god, I got twice as many presents at mum's house"??

@w0rkout You have made a list that is all about (bar 2) when parents aren’t together.

And falsely equated that to step parenting.

And said all that was so bad and parents who do that are damaging their children.

I did all that.

I also left because I was being abused and coercive control wasn’t a thing then.

I also didn’t date for years and years. I’ve only been dating this past 2 years.

But my kids still had step siblings and a step mother.

Please tell me how any of that is my fault. Please please please I am literally begging you to tell me how it is my fault and all the ways I fucked up my kids by leaving their abusive father and fighting til I was broke to protect them and being let down by the courts and having social services tell em that his neglect was neglect and not great but didn’t meet the threshold for intervention.

Go on. Tell me.

*I had less room, less days out, less treats, less holidays, less everything when my parents divorced and my dad moved away.
Funnily enough I had more when my mother remarried.

It'd swings and roundabouts.*

This is interesting.
If I'd remained with my daughter's father despite being unhappy, my daughter would also have had less treats and holidays because her dad earns substantially less than me and my DP. So my daughter actually benefits in all of these departments because I formed a new relationship, since our combined household income is greater now than it would be if I stayed either single or with her dad.

@dontdisturbmenow

Looking at a situation from the point of view of the affected child doesn't make us arseholes Oh yes it does! That's the bit I don't get. The defensiveness that the moment you look at a situation from the eye of the child, you are deemed to be condemning the SM and therefore wrong.

Again you're ignoring the other child in the situation though aren't you? Why is that?

I mean, you are wrong not because you're "condemning" anyone but because you're ignoring many facts and essentially a million different real life scenarios that might mean this occurs.

Why couldn’t this thread have just been left as a ranting zone for adult step children instead of a bun fight? We have that on the step parents board now and it’s great.

Would you have framed it positively if DP's kids arrived and said "oh my god, I got twice as many presents at mum's house"??

They're not ungrateful entitled brats, luckily, so they didn't say this. They thanked their dad and I gratefully for their gifts.

@LouJ85

*I had less room, less days out, less treats, less holidays, less everything when my parents divorced and my dad moved away. Funnily enough I had more when my mother remarried.

It'd swings and roundabouts.*

This is interesting.
If I'd remained with my daughter's father despite being unhappy, my daughter would also have had less treats and holidays because her dad earns substantially less than me and my DP. So my daughter actually benefits in all of these departments because I formed a new relationship, since our combined household income is greater now than it would be if I stayed either single or with her dad.

Same for dss. We are better off than dp and his mum were when they were together. He wouldn't have had a holiday in the past 10 years if his dad hadn't left and subsequently met me.

I didn’t have a new partner. I’m dating a man now and I think we will last I love him and he loves me but he lives far away due to my and his working arrangements and Covid means my kids haven’t even met him and my elder ones are in their 20s and my youngest is almost 19.

The things on your list, it’s the split between me and my ex that caused them. Not whether or not I’m dating or with someone else.

The op chose where to post this so that’s on her. She chose AIBU.

And she is. Very.

@CrackALack

I've simply said that being a step child is shit

Yet 95% of the reasons you gave for why being a step child is shit is actually because your parents divorced, not because you had a step parent... That's the point.

Lots of children of divorced parents go through everything in your list even if their parents don't have a new partner.

Before my mum met her husband, my step father, I still had to travel between two houses, see one parent less, not be able to say mum and dad, spend less time at Christmas with one, have different rules in different houses. BECAUSE MY PARENTS WEREN'T TOGETHER. My step dads arrival didn't cause all of that, their divorce did obviously.

I've also said my step mum pushed me out and my step dad was emotionally abusive.

So I think those points add to why I think being a step child is bad.

[quote Nnkk]@w0rkout You have made a list that is all about (bar 2) when parents aren’t together.

And falsely equated that to step parenting.

And said all that was so bad and parents who do that are damaging their children.

I did all that.

I also left because I was being abused and coercive control wasn’t a thing then.

I also didn’t date for years and years. I’ve only been dating this past 2 years.

But my kids still had step siblings and a step mother.

Please tell me how any of that is my fault. Please please please I am literally begging you to tell me how it is my fault and all the ways I fucked up my kids by leaving their abusive father and fighting til I was broke to protect them and being let down by the courts and having social services tell em that his neglect was neglect and not great but didn’t meet the threshold for intervention.

Go on. Tell me.[/quote]
It's not about you.

So I think those points add to why I think being a step child is bad

No, why you think it was bad for you.