To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

It'd make me sick to spend different amounts on my children dependent on if they lived with me full time or not. I'll just have to leave it there I think.

It might "make you sick" but unfortunately it's sometimes just a practical financial reality I'm afraid!

I get it. I just think you're wrong and it's mean and isolating. It's making a point that that child is only half a part of that household.
I get it all.

I should start a thread about how hard it is as a single Parent and do a list that blames separated fathers for everything and says it’s all the fault of step kids and be snide and nasty when my double standard is pointed out.

Single mothers get a hugely bad deal. That’s what I’m going to call it.

@Nnkk

I should start a thread about how hard it is as a single Parent and do a list that blames separated fathers for everything and says it’s all the fault of step kids and be snide and nasty when my double standard is pointed out.

Single mothers get a hugely bad deal. That’s what I’m going to call it.

Absolutely agree

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I get it. I just think you're wrong and it's mean and isolating. It's making a point that that child is only half a part of that household. I get it all.

Not all children see it like that.

My daughter being a good example. She came back from Christmas Day at her dad's, took one look at what was waiting for her under the tree at our house, and excitedly shouted "oh my god this is double the amount I got at dad's!! Arghhh I'm so excited!!"

See?? DP's kids had the same experience; the opposite way around.

You're intent on framing it negatively, and it really isn't always the case.

@LouJ85 yes thats right. So my husband sets a budget (for example £150) and will spend that on each child. Then his child also gets presents from his mum. He's had his over 2 sittings.
I'd have something to say if for example he did £200 for one and £50 for another as it wouldn't be fair. But fortunately he's a good shopper and much better at gifts than me!

I absolute adored my late stepmother. She was my idol. Everything I know, all my interests in the arts, history, architecture, fashion and interior design are entirely from her influence. I try my hardest to be her with my own stepchildren and often think “what would Annie do?”. She passed away five years ago and the world is a darker place without her in it.

It’s the inequities you notice as a child that hurt. Less room, less one to one time, less privacy, less gifts, less days out, missing out on holidays etc. Christmas really highlighted the difference in gifts and sent a very clear message.

For me and friends it got worse when new children came along and everything revolved around them.

It’s not something I would ever want for own so yes I’d keep any dating life separate from my children if I was ever single until they flew the nest.

t'd make me sick to spend different amounts on my children dependent on if they lived with me full time or not.
I'll just have to leave it there I think

So by your logic, a nrp spends £x on their kids. Same for both, yes?

So what does the step mum do? Not spend on her own kids so the stepdc can have the same amount of presents?

Logically:

Mum spends £x on kids presents.

Dad spends £y on all his kids.

Step mum spends £x on her kids...

So all kids get £xy presents. It’s just one set of kids get £xy at one house, the other get £x at one house and £y at the other...

It’s not the dad/nrp spending less that results in a “smaller pile”.

[quote Whatayear1234]@LouJ85 yes thats right. So my husband sets a budget (for example £150) and will spend that on each child. Then his child also gets presents from his mum. He's had his over 2 sittings.
I'd have something to say if for example he did £200 for one and £50 for another as it wouldn't be fair. But fortunately he's a good shopper and much better at gifts than me! [/quote]

Yeah we do similar - we set a budget per child taking into account that my daughter's "main" presents are always with us, and his kids' "main" presents are at their mum's - so we adjust the budgets accordingly.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I get it. I just think you're wrong and it's mean and isolating. It's making a point that that child is only half a part of that household. I get it all.

I don't think you get it at all tbh!

@bluebluezoo

*t'd make me sick to spend different amounts on my children dependent on if they lived with me full time or not. I'll just have to leave it there I think*

So by your logic, a nrp spends £x on their kids. Same for both, yes?

So what does the step mum do? Not spend on her own kids so the stepdc can have the same amount of presents?

Logically:

Mum spends £x on kids presents.

Dad spends £y on all his kids.

Step mum spends £x on her kids...

So all kids get £xy presents. It’s just one set of kids get £xy at one house, the other get £x at one house and £y at the other...

It’s not the dad/nrp spending less that results in a “smaller pile”.

Hi Blue, I've made my point clearly and I'm not going to change my opinion on this. I don't want to continue with a back and forth argument in which no one is going give any ground. It's such waste of time for everyone involved. Have a lovely evening 😊

Reading the posts it seems as though some sc have a really tough time. But that is the fault of the actual parent. I could not and would not stand by and allow anyone to mistreat my dc or make them feel like a second class citizen in their own home. Neither would dh.

Prior to lockdown, a divorced friend of dh had spoken to him about arguing with his new partner. He wanted to buy his dd something designer for a significant birthday and new partner did not approve due to the cost. Funnily enough, she never seemed to complain when he bought designer items for her. Dh, who would never usually be forthright with his opinions told him in no uncertain terms that she was obviously jealous, and that he hoped his dd wasn’t aware of this, and wtf is it to do with her anyway. Dh friend told new partner to mind her own business (she backtracked at this point, saying that she was only worried she may outgrow the item and it would be a waste), took his dd out for the day on a shopping trip and bought her several new pieces. Dd was delighted. I don’t usually like this chap, but I was impressed at his no nonsense response to this woman overstepping.

Any parent who allows a new partner to influence their relationship with their own dc was most likely not a good parent to begin with. The step parent may be awful, but the actual parent should put their own dc first. This isn’t really about sc, it’s about shit parents.

I've made my point clearly

You've really not.

It’s the inequities you notice as a child that hurt.

Which can exist in nuclear "together" families, too. I was one of 3 siblings (full sisters, no "step" involved) - my elder sister always got new stuff whereas I got her hand me downs as the middle child, and my younger sister had no chance by the time the clothes got to her, bless her! My dad was skint though when we were kids so he did his best. But at the time it did often feel like favouritism! I now understand as as an adult that it wasn't at all. It was just a practical reality of the situation my dad was in raising us as a single parent after my mum died.

But my point here is - inequality can be felt in all family set ups, not just separated ones.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I've made my point clearly

You've really not.

I'm sorry you've struggled to understand what I've written. Have a lovely evening, Genie 😊

@Nnkk

This thread is horrible.

The fault is not with the step parent.

It isn’t with the parent who chooses to leave and divorce.

I did the RIGHT thing. I know I did. But I’m damned by the list.

Why the fuck is this ok? How? How is it ok that I’m fucking my kids up and slated on a bloody PARENTING site for leaving an abusive marriage for the sake of my kids. How is this right ? Why? How? P,ease,can someone tell me.

It's not just about you.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

It’s the inequities you notice as a child that hurt. Less room, less one to one time, less privacy, less gifts, less days out, missing out on holidays etc. Christmas really highlighted the difference in gifts and sent a very clear message.

For me and friends it got worse when new children came along and everything revolved around them.

It’s not something I would ever want for own so yes I’d keep any dating life separate from my children if I was ever single until they flew the nest.

I agree and can totally empathise with children who may feel this way.

I'm sorry you've struggled to understand what I've written

No, I haven't, you're just wrong and contradicting yourself but you don't understand.... this isn't my lack of understanding, it's yours. As evidenced by several other posters telling you you're wrong.

[quote Natsel84]@w0rkout

Can I just ask you .
You say you have a great relationship with your dad and stepmum siblings etc , but you also said you were pushed out by your stepmum and sister?

I'm a stepmum, my sd lives with us full time , I'm sorry you've had a bad experience growing up in part of a step family. It's not easy being part of a step family whatever position you have in your family[/quote]
Yes it's complicated but I've forgiven the past and I am happy now so have softened towards a lot of bad things in my life and have chosen to have a good relationship with people that have themselves made mistakes in the past.

It's not easy but I love my dad and my step mum comes as a package deal. She's also shown herself to be rather different than she was when I was growing up.

For most it has nothing to do at all about the number of presents they receive. If they do, they are just spoilt.

What does matter is the message behind the lesser number of gifts. It's when the message is, because you get more at mum's, you are not as important to US. If you lived here and was part of OUR family, you'd get as much but because you have the misfortune to live more days at your mother, you are not as important.

That's the message the kid gets out of it. It hurts and to avoid the pain, you detach yourself which creates the vicious circle that many step families fall into, almost a war of who emotionally detached themselves further.

I don’t think it’s just the step parent being rubbish that makes the difference it’s the actual parent that has brought them into their child’s life who needs to ensure they aren’t treated like crap. I knew a woman who didn’t like the fact her husband had a child before meeting her, didn’t invite the child to their wedding and in fact she didn’t even know they’d gotten married! I was disgusted by her but even more so by him.

[quote harriethoyle]**@Nnkk* And @CrackALack* you speak huge amounts of sense but OP won't listen because she clearly has a vendetta against step parents and step families. Her original thread was deleted because she referenced a thread on the step parenting board that she took offence too and she basically said how dreadful all step parents were... so she's now she's tried to shoehorn her step parent vendetta into a new thread. As my dad would say, we might as well save our breath to cool our porridge. You can't argue with stupid 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
I'm not stupid.

I'm not shoehorning anything.

I've simply said that being a step child is shit.

Please read my posts properly.

You sound like I've reallllly hit a nerve.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I'm sorry you've struggled to understand what I've written

No, I haven't, you're just wrong and contradicting yourself but you don't understand.... this isn't my lack of understanding, it's yours. As evidenced by several other posters telling you you're wrong.

Ok Genie 😊 it's perfectly reasonable to gift your children different amounts and it definitely won't result in resentment or feelings of unimportance. Hope that will make you feel better

@Nnkk

I should start a thread about how hard it is as a single Parent and do a list that blames separated fathers for everything and says it’s all the fault of step kids and be snide and nasty when my double standard is pointed out.

Single mothers get a hugely bad deal. That’s what I’m going to call it.

Go for it.