To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

The problem here is there is too much generalising from personal experience.

Some parents are shit, some are okay and some are lovely. Probably on average the shit ones are most likely to split up (although not always which causes all kinds of issues).
Sometimes just one parent is shit - so the other one when they split might be very careful before finding a new partner - and any DC get a good step parent. Ideally they spend most time with the "good parent" and step parent and everything is pretty good.
Often though the shit parent demands their "fair share" of the kids and uses them to attack their ex-partner, or picks the kids up and drop them as they feel like it, or just disappears for years and then drop back in, or they quickly pair up with a new partner who is either: as shit as them or so cowered they don't make much difference.

The further apart the parents live, the less willing to sacrifice their desires for the children's needs etc. the less well any blended relationship will work.

But step parents do tend to get the blame as an easy target, even when it is the shit real parents fault.

And even worse if a step parent splits from the bio-parent there is no right for ongoing contact between the child and an adult who could have been caring and parenting them for years.

@Icenii

All, using your logic, marriage doesn't work and all parents are shit. Oh wait, that only applies when a step parent is involved.

Eh?

Where the parents just fall out of love and grow apart then yes I think they should stay for the sake of the DC or part and keep their next relationships separate from the time they spend with the DC until they are older.

Utterly, utterly ridiculous suggestion.

All the posts on here by selfish step parents will all be my relatives' partners.
I can't see any posts by selfish step parents.

They're the only ones who shit on their step kids. All the adults in therapy because of their terrible experience in step families will be my cousins and friends
Nothing at all to do with their actual parents then no?

Actually, you might be on to something. They're all connected by me! So I must be the evil step parent catalyst! You've rumbled me .....right.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

All the posts on here by selfish step parents will all be my relatives' partners. I can't see any posts by selfish step parents.

They're the only ones who shit on their step kids. All the adults in therapy because of their terrible experience in step families will be my cousins and friends
Nothing at all to do with their actual parents then no?

Actually, you might be on to something. They're all connected by me! So I must be the evil step parent catalyst! You've rumbled me .....right.

Yes of course it's to do with their parents. Their parents allowed the isolation/ abuse or whatever to happen! That's not my argument! The argument here is that step kids have a tough fucking ride.

I did the right thing.

I know I did.

So how come I’m sitting here in tears because my children got a shit step mother when that was not my fault.

All the stuff on the list my kids have. So I should have stayed?

I’ve asked the op but she’s not answering me, just making nasty horrible digs at someone who left because they were being abused, and instigated a divorce because they naively thought the courts would protect their children, who put themselves last for years and years and never said a bad word and never broke a court order but he did and that is somehow all my fault and I made ma bed?

Not fair. Nasty. Horrible. Unfair.

The op is out of order and this thread is absolutely horrible.

@ImDoingMe

Where there is animosity, toxicity or abuse then no, the parents should definitely not stay for the sake of the DC.

Where the parents just fall out of love and grow apart then yes I think they should stay for the sake of the DC or part and keep their next relationships separate from the time they spend with the DC until they are older.

Just out of interest...

What would you suggest a parent "should" be doing if they are widowed? Should they remain single forevermore because their spouse had the audacity to die on them? Just in case their poor kids end up with a step parent and step siblings who they don't like?

Dear god the ludicrousness of some of the suggestions on here...

Yes of course it's to do with their parents. Their parents allowed the isolation/ abuse or whatever to happen! That's not my argument! exactly so why are you just blaming the step parents?
The argument here is that step kids have a tough fucking ride.

It is, but op, and you, are wrong to blame that only on step parents and not on actual parents or the initial separation.

I was a step child and I'm sorry but you can't say all step children have a tough fucking ride because many don't. I say that as someone who had a less than perfect ride.

I was made by the court to send my children to their father for access.

It’s not my fault he picked a cunt and is a cunt and they treated my children badly. I did my best to protect them but the law did not allow me to.

How is it rubbish? They felt at home, had the same rules in both houses (the biological parents coordinated on this), got twice as many presents and had a place to go if they wanted to. They gained two half siblings, got to go on two sets of holidays

Key thing here is bio parents coodinated. In many divorces, it isn’t an amicable “grew apart” situation, it’s often affairs, abuse, hurt feelings, often financial spilts aren’t perceived as fair.

Often parenting isn’t on the same page either. One will feel like they do the bulk of the child rearing, which was ok when they were married and a partnership, but doesn’t work as well when that partner isn’t getting the financial benefits of a wage earner in the household, as that wage doesn't support two families so there will likely be a noticeable drop in standard of living.

As pp have said, it’s often how the adults deal with the step situation. The nature of divorce often means resentment and bitterness on some level.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

All the posts on here by selfish step parents will all be my relatives' partners. I can't see any posts by selfish step parents.

They're the only ones who shit on their step kids. All the adults in therapy because of their terrible experience in step families will be my cousins and friends
Nothing at all to do with their actual parents then no?

Actually, you might be on to something. They're all connected by me! So I must be the evil step parent catalyst! You've rumbled me .....right.

Also, I think it's pretty selfish and petty for a step mum to expect her step children to have fewer presents to open on Christmas Day that her children with the same man. That's just one selfish step parent post on here. Head to the step parent section for more threads and posts which prove the absolute venom step children are subjected to.

@Nnkk

I was made by the court to send my children to their father for access.

It’s not my fault he picked a cunt and is a cunt and they treated my children badly. I did my best to protect them but the law did not allow me to.

This is a horrific situation to be in. Your children will appreciate your strength and support make no mistake of that xx

I really struggle as a SC for all the reasons stated and more. I didn't feel like I belonged and this has massive impact on my self esteem and therefore happiness.

However, boy did it tough me to be resilient! I found adjusting to adult life so much easier because adapting to change was all I ever knew. It's made me much stronger.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Yes of course it's to do with their parents. Their parents allowed the isolation/ abuse or whatever to happen! That's not my argument! exactly so why are you just blaming the step parents? The argument here is that step kids have a tough fucking ride.

It is, but op, and you, are wrong to blame that only on step parents and not on actual parents or the initial separation.

I was a step child and I'm sorry but you can't say all step children have a tough fucking ride because many don't. I say that as someone who had a less than perfect ride.

but you can't say all step children have a tough fucking ride because many don't. I say that as someone who had a less than perfect ride

Ummmm so you had a tough ride then

Also, I think it's pretty selfish and petty for a step mum to expect her step children to have fewer presents to open on Christmas Day that her children with the same man.

Why is that selfish? It's not somethinb id neccesarily do but the step child will gey two sets of presents. The resident child just one, so overall they will get less. Finny that thats totally okay with you?

That's just one selfish step parent post on here. Head to the step parent section for more threads and posts which prove the absolute venom step children are subjected to

And the venom that the step parents are subjected to by posters not dissimilar to you...

Ummmm so you had a tough ride then

No, it wasn't perfect but it all worked out in the end but I'm not scarred for life and crying on the internet about it.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Also, I think it's pretty selfish and petty for a step mum to expect her step children to have fewer presents to open on Christmas Day that her children with the same man.

Why is that selfish? It's not somethinb id neccesarily do but the step child will gey two sets of presents. The resident child just one, so overall they will get less. Finny that thats totally okay with you?

That's just one selfish step parent post on here. Head to the step parent section for more threads and posts which prove the absolute venom step children are subjected to

And the venom that the step parents are subjected to by posters not dissimilar to you...

Hahaha I couldn't care less what you think after this post. I think it's selfish and mean for an adult to insist a child has fewer presents than their sibling. You don't see the difference between a debate between two adults on an anonymous forum and treating a child in your shared care badly? That's on you

Also, I think it's pretty selfish and petty for a step mum to expect her step children to have fewer presents to open on Christmas Day that her children with the same man.

No it isn't selfish, especially when the step kids have had a massive pile of presents at their mum's house before coming to dad's house. The resident child will get just the one pile of presents in their one home. So it makes perfect sense that their pile might look smaller.

My daughter's pile of presents at her dad's is always smaller than what she gets here; and if she was the type of entitled child who compared what she had at dad's with the other kids (thankfully she isn't), her pile would be smaller than her 2 half siblings who live there full time. Similarly, DP's kids got less here than they got at mum's. Again, thankfully they are grateful well rounded kids who appreciate their two lots of presents!

@MollyButton

The problem here is there is too much generalising from personal experience.

Some parents are shit, some are okay and some are lovely. Probably on average the shit ones are most likely to split up (although not always which causes all kinds of issues).
Sometimes just one parent is shit - so the other one when they split might be very careful before finding a new partner - and any DC get a good step parent. Ideally they spend most time with the "good parent" and step parent and everything is pretty good.
Often though the shit parent demands their "fair share" of the kids and uses them to attack their ex-partner, or picks the kids up and drop them as they feel like it, or just disappears for years and then drop back in, or they quickly pair up with a new partner who is either: as shit as them or so cowered they don't make much difference.

The further apart the parents live, the less willing to sacrifice their desires for the children's needs etc. the less well any blended relationship will work.

But step parents do tend to get the blame as an easy target, even when it is the shit real parents fault.

And even worse if a step parent splits from the bio-parent there is no right for ongoing contact between the child and an adult who could have been caring and parenting them for years.

Exactly this ^

MN loves a massive generalisation .

Some Step parents are dickheads (but you will find they are dickheads in all other aspects of life as well)

Some are nothing short of fabulous.

• but again . Pretty good people in RL.

There are some step kids who are just amazing.
Some adult SDC who are nothing short of self absorbed, entitled whiny gits.

As with society as a whole , it takes all sorts of people. Step parents are no different .

However - setting up a thread to vilify step parents is a pretty unpleasant thing to do. Because ultimately, the FAULT of a step child having an unpleasant , unloving experience in a blended family is ENTIRELY down to the natural parents inability to put their child's welfare first. And to ensure their child's needs are met. The PARENTS failure to do this is where the blame lies.

If the parent refused to except anything other than kind and loving behaviour from their new partner to their child - then they wouldn't even get as far as being a step parent.

Also, I think it's pretty selfish and petty for a step mum to expect her step children to have fewer presents to open on Christmas Day that her children with the same man

Yet it’s ok for that child to turn up on christmas day with the latest iphone, which the step siblings desperately wanted but the parents couldn’t afford? Or have expensive holidays abroad one or twice a year while the stepsiblings stay at home?

Fair isn’t always equal. Even between my own kids one might get more presents on christmas day for various reasons.

Hahaha I couldn't care less what you think after this post. what after me saying it's not something I'd neccesarily do?

I think it's selfish and mean for an adult to insist a child has fewer presents than their sibling.

I know right. My poor ds gets less than his brother every year, because his brother gets presents off us and off his mum. Poor ds.
You don't see the difference between a debate between two adults on an anonymous forum and treating a child in your shared care badly? That's on you

The thing is many step parents aren't treating anyone badly, you've just decided they are because you know shite all about the situation and are judgemental.

But step parents do tend to get the blame as an easy target, even when it is the shit real parents fault.

So true! I was seen as guilty by association by my ex’s ex wife. She thought I didn’t want money being spent on dsc and when I found out I was fuming with both of them. My ex was the one sending her excuses for not being able to pay for x y z when in actual fact we could have paid. I was fuming with her too because she jumped to conclusions that I was quite happy for him not to pay for anything and most likely manipulating him.

It was only when his ex started messaging me about money (having a go basically) that I realised she thought I was just as guilty as he was on the matter. I was so fucking angry with the pair of them.

@LouJ85

Also, I think it's pretty selfish and petty for a step mum to expect her step children to have fewer presents to open on Christmas Day that her children with the same man.

No it isn't selfish, especially when the step kids have had a massive pile of presents at their mum's house before coming to dad's house. The resident child will get just the one pile of presents in their one home. So it makes perfect sense that their pile might look smaller.

My daughter's pile of presents at her dad's is always smaller than what she gets here; and if she was the type of entitled child who compared what she had at dad's with the other kids (thankfully she isn't), her pile would be smaller than her 2 half siblings who live there full time. Similarly, DP's kids got less here than they got at mum's. Again, thankfully they are grateful well rounded kids who appreciate their two lots of presents!

Hahaha entitled and comparing like the adults you mean

Lou,

Of course you should do you and whatever you think is right.

If I was a widow or divorced and I met someone who my DC thought was better than sliced bread, then I'd go for it.

If my DC didn't like the person, showed any stress over it then I wouldn't. At best I'd see them but I'd live separate till they left home.

I don't expect everyone to agree with this but I wouldn't lose a long term relationship with my DC over a man.

Hahaha entitled and comparing like the adults you mean

Erm... no, that's not what I mean. You have lost me.

I mean both my daughter and DP's kids appreciate that they have 2 homes and at Christmas that means 2 different piles of pressies which won't look exactly identical in each home. And they're also well rounded and mature enough to realise that when our baby arrives, it may be that her pile looks bigger because she only has one home and one set of presents, as opposed to two.