Page 12 | To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

w0rkout · 2020-12-28T14:12:59+00:00

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

bluebluezoo · 28/12/2020 17:37

But as we got older and had dc of our own, the inequalities started to show. Step-sisters DD is very much the golden grandchild. My Dad rarely helps me with anything practical , eg putting up shelves, as he's always busy helping step-sis "and she's a single parent so needs more help" (I've been single for the best part of 11 years)

That’s not necessarily a step thing though. My in laws treat their dd and her children like the special ones- pay for all her house improvements, babysit, pay for the kids extra curriculars, holidays etc. With ours, they’re always busy with sil’s kids if we ask them to babysit, or short of cash because they’ve laid for x, y, z.

My mum tbh is a little bit the same. Helps out my younger sister more she seems to think she needs more support.

LemonSherbetFancies · 28/12/2020 17:38

I disagree PP. It means the child gets to spend equal time with both parent which is priceless

Coffeepot72 · 28/12/2020 17:41

I agree that 50/50 would be a nightmare for a lot of children. But then I don’t think EOW is brilliant either? However I don’t have any better ideas. Like I said earlier in the thread, I’m glad all this split residency stuff wasn’t a thing when I was a child.

Micah · 28/12/2020 17:43

This 50/50 set up sounds an absolute nightmare for the children involved. It would be like not having a permanent home

I think 50:50 is only really a workable option if houses are reasonably close, and the financial situation/parenting rules are similar for both families. If you have a nice comfortable room in both parents houses, where you can see friends, play x box, have family dinners etc it makes a big difference to having a nice home with RP, and NRP having a small place as finances didn't stretch to two mortgages after the divorce.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 17:48

I think 50:50 is only really a workable option if houses are reasonably close,

This is true. My teenage daughter's dad lives 130 miles away so there's no way he could take her to school and she wouldn't be able to see her friends on a weekend etc as her friendship group is obviously local to us as this is where she goes to school. There's often a very practical reality that prevents 50/50 arrangements.

Coffeepot72 · 28/12/2020 17:48

I don’t think many adults would enjoy 50/50 living so heaven knows why anyone thinks it might be good for children?

WinterSunglasses · 28/12/2020 17:58

Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

I agree @Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear - but it's very common on here for anyone thinking this to be told they're being stupid, they deserve happiness, kids are adaptable and resilient and they need to move out and move on asap. There's a thread right now where the poster and her husband have sex life issues but she says they love each other, parent really well together, she doesn't want to split. No matter, she's being told she should end it and the kids will be happier. Well, as this thread shows, that is very much a gamble. I wonder what some step children posting here might say to her.

Please note, there are many marriages where this just clearly isn't going to work because of abuse, cheating, whatever, but where a couple 'don't feel the spark' anymore, divorcing is still often recommended as what will be best for the adults and the children concerned. Maybe not.

Pipandmum · 28/12/2020 17:59

I really hope my step children didn't think they had a rubbish time! They lived with me and their father in their teens. How is it rubbish? They felt at home, had the same rules in both houses (the biological parents coordinated on this), got twice as many presents and had a place to go if they wanted to. They gained two half siblings, got to go on two sets of holidays...
Yes their parents weren't together but their parents were happier apart. We lived about two miles away from their mother, their friends were around, same areas to hang out... really not seeing the issue, at least in our case.

Icenii · 28/12/2020 18:01

Pip, similar to our set up when they were kids. Lived in same village, 60% with us. Clothes at each house but same friends. Two holidays etc etc. Gained a sibling they adore more than any of us adults.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 18:01

@WinterSunglasses

Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

I agree @Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear - but it's very common on here for anyone thinking this to be told they're being stupid, they deserve happiness, kids are adaptable and resilient and they need to move out and move on asap. There's a thread right now where the poster and her husband have sex life issues but she says they love each other, parent really well together, she doesn't want to split. No matter, she's being told she should end it and the kids will be happier. Well, as this thread shows, that is very much a gamble. I wonder what some step children posting here might say to her.

Please note, there are many marriages where this just clearly isn't going to work because of abuse, cheating, whatever, but where a couple 'don't feel the spark' anymore, divorcing is still often recommended as what will be best for the adults and the children concerned. Maybe not.

Do you think people don't deserve happiness?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 18:04

@Pipandmum

I really hope my step children didn't think they had a rubbish time! They lived with me and their father in their teens. How is it rubbish? They felt at home, had the same rules in both houses (the biological parents coordinated on this), got twice as many presents and had a place to go if they wanted to. They gained two half siblings, got to go on two sets of holidays... Yes their parents weren't together but their parents were happier apart. We lived about two miles away from their mother, their friends were around, same areas to hang out... really not seeing the issue, at least in our case.

Some step families work but most don't. There are countless threads on here where step parents don't want to include their partner's kids in their family holidays. Don't want them included in any celebrations. Don't want them to have bedrooms of their own because the sofa will suffice. Sadly, from most people I know's experience of blended families, this is the norm rather than the exception.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 28/12/2020 18:05

@bluebluezoo

But as we got older and had dc of our own, the inequalities started to show. Step-sisters DD is very much the golden grandchild. My Dad rarely helps me with anything practical , eg putting up shelves, as he's always busy helping step-sis "and she's a single parent so needs more help" (I've been single for the best part of 11 years)

That’s not necessarily a step thing though. My in laws treat their dd and her children like the special ones- pay for all her house improvements, babysit, pay for the kids extra curriculars, holidays etc. With ours, they’re always busy with sil’s kids if we ask them to babysit, or short of cash because they’ve laid for x, y, z.

My mum tbh is a little bit the same. Helps out my younger sister more she seems to think she needs more support.

Yes that is true. Its not a solely step child thing (I was just sharing my experience). My ex in-laws also treat their other Grandchildren far better than they treat my DC. Ex MIL actually said once that her DDs Dc were 'real grandchildren' as she was married when they were born. (DCs DF and I never married.)

Bollss · 28/12/2020 18:06

Some step families work but most don't

Stats to prove this?
There are countless threads on here where step parents don't want to include their partner's kids in their family holidays. Don't want them included in any celebrations. Don't want them to have bedrooms of their own because the sofa will suffice

Well yes because you're not going to post about how successful your blended family is are you? And all the "don't wants" on there are sometimes backed up by real reasons, financial or logistical issues, not just pure hatred as you're painting it.

Sadly, from most people I know's experience of blended families, this is the norm rather than the exception.

That proves nothing, pretty much all blended families I know work just fine, so what?

WinterSunglasses · 28/12/2020 18:08

@TrustTheGeneGenie I think posters on here often have a very particular idea of what can and can't constitute happiness, and how achievable it is.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 18:10

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Some step families work but most don't

Stats to prove this?
There are countless threads on here where step parents don't want to include their partner's kids in their family holidays. Don't want them included in any celebrations. Don't want them to have bedrooms of their own because the sofa will suffice

Well yes because you're not going to post about how successful your blended family is are you? And all the "don't wants" on there are sometimes backed up by real reasons, financial or logistical issues, not just pure hatred as you're painting it.

Sadly, from most people I know's experience of blended families, this is the norm rather than the exception.

That proves nothing, pretty much all blended families I know work just fine, so what?

I come from a family where all my six uncles and three aunts have split from their children's other parent and re-married. My 6 best friends from school had step families. None of my cousins/ friends have anything more than minimal contact with their parents now we are adults. That's pretty fucking damning.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 18:11

Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

Are you suggesting that two adults who know their relationship is over should remain living together "for the sake of the kids" and sacrifice their own lives and happiness until the kids are adults? I'm not sure if I've misunderstood but if that's your suggestion, I think this is easily the most bizarre thing I've read on here in relation to separated parents!

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 18:12

@LouJ85

Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

Are you suggesting that two adults who know their relationship is over should remain living together "for the sake of the kids" and sacrifice their own lives and happiness until the kids are adults? I'm not sure if I've misunderstood but if that's your suggestion, I think this is easily the most bizarre thing I've read on here in relation to separated parents!

Yes. You make ya bed, etc

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 18:13

Yes. You make ya bed, etc

Sorry?

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 18:18

@w0rkout that’s a horrible thing to say. So I should’ve stayed being abused should I?

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 18:20

@LouJ85

Two parents who have lost the spark but get along perfectly well as coparents and housemates should still be able to provide a safe and loving home to their DC and provide an example of a working relationship even if it is no longer a romantic relationship.

Are you suggesting that two adults who know their relationship is over should remain living together "for the sake of the kids" and sacrifice their own lives and happiness until the kids are adults? I'm not sure if I've misunderstood but if that's your suggestion, I think this is easily the most bizarre thing I've read on here in relation to separated parents!

If I'd done this, my daughter would not have 2 half siblings at her dad's whom she absolutely adores; nor would she have another half sibling on the way (I'm currently 6 months pregnant with my partner of 5 years). She also has a great relationship with both her stepmum and my partner. She'd still be an only child and wouldn't have had these fulfilling relationships in her life if I'd stayed in a loveless, dead relationship with her father.

There's always another perspective

Bollss · 28/12/2020 18:20

That's pretty fucking damning

No, it's not - perhaps it's the company you keep? I mean, I dunno.....

Just because you know many shit parents doesn't mean all parents are shit does it?

Icenii · 28/12/2020 18:23

All, using your logic, marriage doesn't work and all parents are shit. Oh wait, that only applies when a step parent is involved.

ImDoingMe · 28/12/2020 18:24

Where there is animosity, toxicity or abuse then no, the parents should definitely not stay for the sake of the DC.

Where the parents just fall out of love and grow apart then yes I think they should stay for the sake of the DC or part and keep their next relationships separate from the time they spend with the DC until they are older.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 18:25

[quote Nnkk]@w0rkout that’s a horrible thing to say. So I should’ve stayed being abused should I?[/quote]

And my partner should have remained in a marriage where he was being cheated on, financially screwed over, and prevented from spending time with his kids regularly....

Gosh, what a healthy situation for all involved. We all would have been so much happier, wouldn't we? 🙄

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 18:25

@TrustTheGeneGenie

That's pretty fucking damning

No, it's not - perhaps it's the company you keep? I mean, I dunno.....

Just because you know many shit parents doesn't mean all parents are shit does it?

Hahahaha ah yes that'll be it.

All the posts on here by selfish step parents will all be my relatives' partners. They're the only ones who shit on their step kids. All the adults in therapy because of their terrible experience in step families will be my cousins and friends.

Actually, you might be on to something. They're all connected by me! So I must be the evil step parent catalyst! You've rumbled me

🙄🙄