To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

I think the biggest issue I recall is not actually feeling that the home my DF lived in was my home too. My stepmum always made me feel like a guest. My DF used to try to make me feel it was my home too, but he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Trying to make me feel comfortable but then also trying to appease her. In the end, when I became old enough to make my own decisions about visiting, I stopped going as I would feel anxious because she made me feel so unwelcome. It was the outcome she wanted. She died a few years ago,and I reconnected with my DF, but our relationship is up and down, because as I’ve grown up I’ve realised that whilst she was awful, that he allowed her awful behaviour too.

I hope I never have to try it fun but thank you for your kind words.

I agree that it can't continue with you, as I said in a previous post if someone is abusive to you you need to get away from them as quickly as possible. Are you able to go elsewhere? I assume you are joint owners/tenants and can't just chuck him out?

My step mum was lovely. She's still my family now they've separated.

The problem was that to my dad I was an inconvenience, I wasn't apart of their family, I didn't have a bedroom or any personal items at their house. It was like I was a niece he was providing childcare for against his will.

@llamakoala

I am so sorry about your experience. I had something similar. My mother died when I was 5 and my sister 1 and my dad remarried a woman who had two children of her own. This woman never once made an effort and was constantly either ignoring us or making passive aggressive comments. I developed an eating disorder and she gave my dad an ultimatum that I should move out or she would. I was 16 and very ill at the time and ended up hospitalised. Neither she nor my dad visited. I ended up living with my maternal grandmother.

This woman later also pushed my sister out and made her leave home. At this point, our dad finally realised how badly he had behaved and how awful this woman was and divorced the evil witch her. Just before the divorce, she tried to defend herself to me and said that she had been so jealous of me and my sister as we were prettier than she had been when she was little and that we had better grades than her children. We were also two little girls who both had lost their mum and were bullied in school.

I managed to rebuild my relationship with my dad before he died. My sister didn’t and was really messed up when he suddenly died from a heart attack.

I am sure that there are brilliant step parents out there. I think that the majority are just ordinary people who are trying their best and not always getting it right (you would have to be superhuman to do that). But I also think there are step parents who take out their own issues on defenceless children. And I think that is unforgivable.

I had a great experience. I now have an ex step-mother but we are still great friends.
I had 2 homes and 2 very happy families.
2 Christmases, 2 birthdays, 2 holidays etc etc

I have bloody amazingly good parents though.

@Tootsey11 brave of you to say. It’s certainly the truth and lots of children think they’re terrible behaviour can be overlooked because they are biologically entitled.

*their

It's not an example of a "working relationship", is it? It's a lifeless marriage. I don't want my child growing up thinking that's normal or something to aspire to. A working relationship doesn't make a happy family.

As someone mentioned, we all have our own take on this due to our own experiences. When Dh and I had problems and I thought we would split last year I had to process all this. I came to the conclusion that I would rather be single till my youngest left home than have them unhappy under my roof with a stepdad and ticking off the days till they could leave and then having little to do with me afterwards.

My DC are more important to me than any man, even my own DH who I love dearly. I just can't understand why anyone would put another man or woman above the needs of their own DC.

All of that is all well and good @ImDoingMe but how was I supposed to stop my ex moving on?

@Boxofsaltsachets the step child in my situation grew up to be an abusive manipulating grown woman, now 29. She steals from shops and her family. She demands money on a daily basis, when she doesn't get her way she either threatens to kill herself or waves a knife in their face. She not only does this at home but out in public. Police involved many times and advised both parents to have nothing more to do with her. Dp praised her yesterday for 'behaving' this Christmas, as she didn't kick off at her mother's. Unfortunately it didn't last and the nastiness started again yesterday.

I stand by what I said, some step children are little shits, this one grew into a total waste of space.

I agree that it can't continue with you, as I said in a previous post if someone is abusive to you you need to get away from them as quickly as possible. Are you able to go elsewhere? I assume you are joint owners/tenants and can't just chuck him out?

Oh no we’ve been split up for over a year now and he lives elsewhere. His name off my tenancy and everything. So he knows he cannot force his way back in.
But I let him come here during the day/after school time on a school day to see the kids, as like I said in a previous post he can’t be trusted to have them over night and get up the next day. I’d let them go his during the day or for tea but his flat is disgusting and stinks. He also lives too far away and neither of us have a car so it would be chaos getting them back here on public transport for bedtime especially in winter.

So his first step is to move closer and to keep his new place CLEAN and TIDY. I’m not a snob or anything, but it’s not somewhere I want our children to sit in or play in or eat in.
What a mess 😩

I hope I never have to try it fun but thank you for your kind words.

And you too

I think you sound like you have a lot of issues still. Generalising about anything isn't a good idea. My stepson turned out to be a paedo who groomed my son does that mean I can say being a step-parent or having step kids is rubbish? I certainly wish I had never made the fucker part of my family but I would hope that others have had better experiences than me.

DS1 is 15 and Ex and I separated when he was tiny.

My DH and Ex's DW both love and cherish DS. It's not perfect, nothing in life is, but we share his life between the four of us because we've all put him first. I'm never going to claim to know how it is for him because he's the one living it, but in all truthfulness I would say he has a great relationship with both Step Parents; he loves DH and he adores his Step Mum. Rather than feel put out that he loves another woman I treasure the fact that another woman adores him. I hope that Ex feels the same way about DH loving DS. He spends Christmas and Birthdays with all of us, he shares holidays and if he has sports or activities we work it out between us to ensure he doesn't miss out.

Step Children don't have an easy ride of it, and if you want to make life easier for them then every single one of the group has to be willing to put in the same effort, but it is possible. Likewise Step Parents don't always have an easy ride, but I honestly believe that it doesn't always have to be awful.

NnKK

Of course, what your Ex does is out of your control. I am just talking about what I can control. My DC are now teens and very self-confident and assertive. They wouldn't take any crap off anyone, including their own dad.

Gosh that is a difficult situation fun How old are your DC? Is it likely that in the near future they will state they don't want contact?

But a the whole premise of this thread is look at all this stuff that is shit for step children.

Except it’s not about step children. It’s about children of separated parents.

And the “don’t bring steps into the equation” doesn’t make sense because I’ve done that. But I can’t control my ex.

You might think your teens would this and that and the other but if you’re not a separated parent and they aren’t children in that scenario you don’t know.

And woop for you. Is my daughter somehow lesser because she keeps trying to get her dad to love her enough? Thanks for that. That’s just lovely.

Haven't RTFT (but will go back and do so)

I gained step-parents when I was in my late teens/early 20s. Things were fab. My step-parents were both amazing and I never felt that any of us were treated any differently. (Mum and Dad have 3dc, step-Mum and Step-Dad both have 2). Step Mum has always been more than happy to cook multiple meals if someone doesn't like what she has made. Etc etc. But as we got older and had dc of our own, the inequalities started to show. Step-sisters DD is very much the golden grandchild. My Dad rarely helps me with anything practical , eg putting up shelves, as he's always busy helping step-sis "and she's a single parent so needs more help" (I've been single for the best part of 11 years).

Step Dad remains amazing. When my DGrandma was dying and Mum was away helping Grandad he took DC and me out for dinner more than once, phoned me everyday and generally made sure I was OK (it was 6 weeks after DCs dad left and I was in a bad place).

I wonder if being an adult when they became my Step-parents makes a difference.

For my own DC, having a step-mum who isn't a fucking bitch, and a father who wasn't a spinless coward would help.
Since he met her hes stopped paying maintenance because "wife doesn't get any from her ex so we don't really see why you should", they've since fixed their finances in such a way that he doesn't have to pay. All their DC (2 each plus 3 joint) are treated "the same". They don't realise that 'the same' isn't the same as 'fair'. So for example one year all the boys got Star Wars tops for Christmas. DS1 hates star wars, but they couldn't possibly have bought him anything else.
They all get the same meals, including portion size. So my 16 year gets given the same amount of food as his 2 year old sister. DS1 is pescetarian, but they refuse to "cook that veggie shit" so he gets the same meal as everyone else minus the meat. This includes sandwich fillings, so if they are having ham that day he gets bread and butter. Dinners are dished up by step-mum and no allowances are made for things they don't like. The worst was when he bought them home at Christmas as DS1 didn't want his stuffing (he doesn't like it) and DS2 said he would swap it for a roast potato. Step Mum went mad and kicked them out. DS1 didn't see his Dad for a year after that. He was banned from the house for a lot of it. Fucking mental! Weirdly they never have spicy food as they don't like it, but dc are expected to eat what they are given. When I pointed this out to them once I was told "they should be grateful we feed them"
Oh and despite them not being allowed to sleep over or keep anything there, they are expected to help clean the boys bedroom on Saturdays as that's "bedroom cleaning day"
Like I said, she's a bitch and he's a coward who won't stop her being so.

Oops. Rather longer than planned!

@Aloethere

I think you sound like you have a lot of issues still. Generalising about anything isn't a good idea. My stepson turned out to be a paedo who groomed my son does that mean I can say being a step-parent or having step kids is rubbish? I certainly wish I had never made the fucker part of my family but I would hope that others have had better experiences than me.

Christ this sounds horrendous
Sorry you had that experience.

They’re 9, 7, 5 and 2. So nowhere near that age really. I’m just trying to keep everyone happy, mainly my children. I think they would be really unsettled and quite frankly in a dangerous situation if they had to go and stay with him.

If he just behaved like a normal adult, I would absolutely encourage a 2 homes arrangement as that’s what I really do want for all of us.

Can social services get involved at all fun as his home is so completely inappropriate for children to be in?

I was married, fell pregnant and found myself living with a violent monster who thought nothing of hitting a pregnant woman even heavily pregnant, threatening her and telling her she was filth. Before this point, the abuse could better be described as selfishness and entitlement. What was I to do at that stage?

He threw me and our child out of our home to move in his mistress / her children when our child was 1. He then dragged me through court for 3 years getting his 'rights'. His request to the court was to deny me any access and have his new partner raise our child. The courts placed our child with me, minimal contact with him. Our child has no choice but to go as whilst the court protected me from him - his abuse had not been towards the child so he has rights. I should state our child knows nothing of the abuse towards me as only I and child welfare agencies know (they agreed with me it was best they not know of this).

Our child is expected to put contact / time with step family above anything else, has missed out on countless things at school, with family and at home, is not allowed to mention me in their presence, has been called some awful things step mother (who also says awful things about me) and persistently blamed for awful behavior of her children. Our child sincerely believes the only thing that matters to her Father is his new family. I have received some incredibly abusive communications from the step mother - who simply cannot bear that I exist. Anything I don't or can't do is seen as me 'undermining' their family, damaging them or seeking to control them. Every issue our child has had is put down to the fact they live with me and would have been avoided had I not selfishly kept our child for myself. Our child has had endless emotional issues and therapy numerous times.

Our child loathes their step mother, step siblings and half siblings. They feel the whole step family life is one big ''faking'' exercise playing happy families with people they feel no affinity to. The older our child got the less inclined they were to be part of this, and has been vilified by all parties in my ex's family as a result - including the step children!

I don't believe all step families are like this, and some are very loving where all parties respect each other and try and make it work. Like most things, the outcome can be good or bad - it depends on the people involved. Dismissing a bad experience isn't fair on the child in the situation as to them it's acutely difficult.

Can social services get involved at all fun as his home is so completely inappropriate for children to be in?

Possibly. I’m really not sure. He just needs a kick up the arse that’s what he needs!

This 50/50 set up sounds an absolute nightmare for the children involved. It would be like not having a permanent home.

@Viviennemary

This 50/50 set up sounds an absolute nightmare for the children involved. It would be like not having a permanent home.

That’s the starting point of the courts now.