Final decision - remaining childfree or not

[TheIceTree]

I have recently turned 40. I have never really experienced the feeling of wanting kids as such. When I was younger I assumed that the desire might hit me at some later point, but it never really did. But now I am slightly questioning my decision, as I’m in the last chance saloon (or perhaps already too late, I realise) in terms of age.

There are some good solid reasons why remaining childfree would seem to be the best plan. I am a fairly classic introvert – I like quiet time and space to myself. I don’t feel ‘maternal’. When I see babies I don’t want to hold them or anything. In general, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of children, based on spending time with nieces/nephews and friends’ children. I also just can't picture myself doing things like baby talk, or singing nursery rhymes, or role play games. Due to all this, I fear I may be bad at parenthood, or that it would be a case of surviving rather than thriving.

We also love travel and I would certainly dislike limitations being placed on this part of our lives, post-Covid.

It feels like I’ve answered my own question. But something is making me question if I’m missing something – I guess essentially it is a kind of FOMO. I do like the idea of having an adult child when I’m older (but don’t like the idea of the stages in between). I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives. I fear that later in life we may regret having no children, but equally I’m aware that a certain proportion of people do, to some degree, regret having children, (and that would be worse in my opinion). I also suspect I’m the type of person who might regret it, for the reasons above.

I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who felt very conflicted about this issue, and either remained childfree, or went on to have a child.

Ugh sorry, there were paragraphs when I typed the above out on my phone!

*I disagree with those who say you should only have kids if you have a “burning desire”. I never particularly wanted kids, wasn’t (and am still not) anyone’s idea of “maternal” and didn’t particularly like other people’s babies. Was 38 and in a relatively new relationship when I became pregnant - we decided to go ahead with it and I am SO glad we did.
*

The planet in 2021 is way too overpopulated to have people reproducing by happenstance. ALL decisions to add another human being to its burden should be carefully considered, planned and prepared for.

Hi OP. I never wanted children, then I lost my grandparents in a very short space of time and my sister had my nephew at the age of 40 (I have two other older nephews who I am very close to also) and I started to get FOMO and thinking about the next chapter of our lives together, and family roots and the like. I was very conflicted but we decided to start trying at the age of 36 or 37 with a bit of a ‘if it happens it happens’ sort of attitude.
However, conceiving was not a straightforward process and we did have some loss, and my pregnancy and birth with DS was difficult. There’s a few times I wished we had not started on the journey. He’s here now though, almost 2 and I absolutely love him with everything I have, I do not regret it for a second, although I know some people do.

Here’s a few things:

• I really dislike babies. Even now, I mean they’re cute etc, but they aren’t for me. Even after having DS I still don’t particularly want to hold other people’s babies. DS was a difficult baby and I didn’t like the newborn phase at all but quite frankly you just get through it and it’s over in no time!

• I’m not even really keen on toddlers. Once my nephews were old enough to take them away and do fun things with them I started to love it so I always thought if I could get through the first few years I’d be fine (I’m a bit of a kid that loves theme parks etc) DS is a toddler now and actually he’s loads of fun, more so than I imagined, as terrible as that sounds. We do things that I forgot that I loved, and spend loads of time outdoors. He’s hilarious.

• I like my job but I’m not particularly career focused. I have a good, well paid and flexible job and I’m currently working 3 days a week, and will most likely go back full time when DS goes to school. I was quite ready for a year off!

• We are financially comfortable and having one child has had minimal impact on our financial situation.

• We still do whatever we want to do and DS fits in, he’s been on holidays, he comes with us for meals, etc, long walks (Pre covid)

I miss the cinema. We never really went to the pub or are big drinkers so that’s not something I miss. I do look forward to watching films with him when he’s older.

• sadly I do think I have changed as a person. I worry incessantly about him and his future and his health and welfare. Which makes me more anxious generally where previously I was quite a relaxed laid back person.

• I have a very supportive DH who has been 50% involved with everything. I would never have got through the newborn days in one piece without him and vice Versa. It’s a team effort. He absolutely dotes on DS.

• our relationship has improved, we have been together for 20 years prior to DS arriving and I did worry slightly as we are so close as a couple, but DS has been a great addition.

• DS sleeps, which means we get our evenings together each night (aside from the odd rough night with illness) and we alternate bedtime so that if we have our own things we want to do then we are free to do them. We worked very hard on DS sleep at the age of 4 months because it’s the one thing I wanted to get right. Some babies just don’t sleep though sadly.

• I hate meal times at the moment, it’s just slow going, and the fact that it’s usually one phase after another means I feel like I’m always a step behind, and at the moment it’s meals!

So there’s a few things from me, there’s probably other things I’m sure. There are pros and cons i think. At the age I’m at, I have child free friends who love their lives, some that regret not having children, and friends with children who regret having them. Then people like me who wouldn’t change a thing.
I think I was at the right point in my life where I was ready and thought a child would bring more to my life rather than take away from it, which has been realised for me.

I’m only having 1 though!

I would stay as you are OP. I've never wanted kids. Until something biological hit me, and I was unable to think straight, until the body had achieved its goal. Then the desire went. The night I gave birth, I remember lying watching him sleep, thinking 'I've made the biggest mistake ever' And so it has proved to be. It has decimated my life, I'm a shadow of my former self, everything about my life I hate, and I don't feel that love other people feel for their kids. He will never know any of this, and he seems happy. But I regret it ever day. And then I feel guilty. The self hatred(for doing this to myself) has given me is off the scale. I'm sure I'm an extreme example, but I'd stay free if I were you

I wasn’t broody before I got married, unlike my DSis and some of my friends, who always knew they wanted DC and several of them! I wasn’t even that great at relating to kids.

But when my DH and I got married, I knew I really did want DC. I turned out to be infertile and we adopted our DDs. It’s been really hard a lot of the time but I’ve never regretted it.

But I always did know it was what I wanted, I didn’t need an internal debate to come to that conclusion. Having kids can be really hard, so if you’re really not sure you want a child, I’d say don’t do it.

@LoveMySituation

I would stay as you are OP. I've never wanted kids. Until something biological hit me, and I was unable to think straight, until the body had achieved its goal. Then the desire went. The night I gave birth, I remember lying watching him sleep, thinking 'I've made the biggest mistake ever' And so it has proved to be. It has decimated my life, I'm a shadow of my former self, everything about my life I hate, and I don't feel that love other people feel for their kids. He will never know any of this, and he seems happy. But I regret it ever day. And then I feel guilty. The self hatred(for doing this to myself) has given me is off the scale. I'm sure I'm an extreme example, but I'd stay free if I were you

Sorry you are in that situation. It must be grim.

My stepmum never wanted kids enough to be willing to give up everything she would have needed to give up. And, frankly, I can see it now with my own kids - she doesn't have much in the way of maternal instincts (great with animals though).

She ended up having adult (step)children after all but she doesn't regret not having had any of her own.

Sorry, and to be clear: I get on great with her and I don't fault her for not being maternal. I'm just trying to make the point some people really aren't and that's okay.

I think you are very wise to give it such thought - I wish I had! In your circumstances I wouldn't do it. I have two DC. Planned and very much wanted, no financial worries, family support etc. but I've found the early years excruciatingly difficult a LOT of the time. It can be very over rated having children IMO. Very boring, frustrating, exhausting, draining.

I do love them dearly and as they get older and less physically needy I'm enjoying it more, (I'm also a major introvert and having them hang off me all day long used to give me the rage!) but it's still more work than joy. I too think I'll be a much better parent to older DC and was never a baby person but hopefully I won't have fucked it all up before then!

The thing about parenthood is you literally can't tell who's going to be good at it and who's going to crumble until it's happened. So many people have surprised me for good and for bad (including myself - I thought I'd be a brilliant earth mother type ) You could be an amazing mum who completely thrives... it's just weighing up if it's worth the risk of the alternative.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I have a ds..love him to bits I have a dss, love him too. But roll back 23 years and no way. No-one tells you how thankless and hard work children are

I’m late to this party snd I haven’t RTFT.

I was like you, really not keen on kids And not even contemplating it. Then got my timings wrong and found out I was pregnant.

Rough start to pregnancy, very depressed from the shock and then suddenly the clouds cleared a bit. Had the baby. Do you know what? It’s brilliant and I’m quite good at it. And I wouldn’t be without him.

I’d happily have lived without children but now I’ve had one, I’m happy. I don’t want another one though!

I had absolutely no expectations of motherhood beyond expecting if to be really shit but I enjoy it. But I have been blessed with an easy baby. Hence why i don’t want another one! No one gets lucky twice, surely?!

I felt like you, possibly a bit more pro kids, until I was about 40. Within two years I was utterly, insanely broody (not in a relationship at the time). When I look back at it now, I am bewildered by the force of the feelings. It was completely different from the vague wonderings of before. If you’re not sure, then let it wait for a bit-I had first at 43 and second at 46. If you really want kids, you’ll know...

You should consider having just one child.

Personally I was never maternal and didn’t really connect to children. But I wanted the experience of having children though I waited as long as possible before trying.

One child is fairly portable, I’ve found travelling easy-going and have been to some amazing places with my kids. If you are a veteran traveller it will be easy for you; I find those that don’t travel are the most vocal against it or think it can’t work for some reason.

Locals also open up to you in surprising ways when you have a child! It really brings out the mutual humanity in people.

I have more than one child and it’s a bit more of a hassle to travel in terms of cost.

If I could do it all again, I might be child free you know. I’m 40 with nearly 2 year old and exhausted ! I love him but good god, I miss being free!!

If you really want kids, you’ll know

Lol, no.

I’ve known ‘Earth Mother’ types who yearned for kids ... then hated actual motherhood.

I’ve known people like me, not maternal at all, who’ve ended up having kids and loved it.

You can’t really know ahead of time. That’s what makes this all so difficult and hard to plan.

@Noshowlomo

If I could do it all again, I might be child free you know. I’m 40 with nearly 2 year old and exhausted ! I love him but good god, I miss being free!!

I wouldn't do it again. It's a mugs game.

Love them to bits and would die for them...goes without saying.

Don't do it.

People say that you should only have kids if you have a burning desire to have them. Tbh that’s a load of nonsense.

I got pregnant accidentally at 18, no burning desire there at all, but I’m a freakin awesome parent! Dd1 is 16 and she totally agrees that I’m great (honest ).

You do though have to be prepared to give up a lot of your old life, at least for a while, to ensure they have what they need. I actually think it would probably be harder to adapt to that at 40 than I found it at 18/19. You’ve had much longer doing your own thing and pleasing yourself. You’re probably very happy with the life you’ve made for yourself and unsure if the disruption of a child is worth it. I think you adapt to any circumstances more easily when your young, from what I’ve read on mumsnet older mums find it much much harder to adapt to the lack of sleep, me time and adult conversation.

I obviously think it is worth the effort, I’ve always loved being a mum and all stages have something lovely about them. But in your case, I’m not sure that having children would be the right choice. They’re not a project to keep you amused, they are your main consideration for the next 18+ years. You’ll be nearly 60 by the time they go off to uni. Is child rearing how you want to spend those years, or would you rather bet travelling and pleasing yourself. Only you can decide.

I don't think you should unless you are sure you really truly want it, because becoming a parent changes your life completely.

If you decide to remain child free - own that decision !

I have a friend who has chosen to be child free. She has recently retired at age 52 and is enjoying life with her DH who retired at age 60. She did have a good career and they have a lot of savings. Those of us with adult children (especially any that have gone to University) can't afford to retire for a while yet as we have to keep said children in clothes, food, accommodation, textbooks, laptops, phone contracts and cars until they can earn their own way. Children tend to get more expensive as they get older which offsets the childcare costs reducing.

Hi @TheIceTree. Realise it has been a while since this thread started.
Like many I could have written your post! It’s bloody difficult isn’t it.
What did toy decide?

Not a chance should you bother at age 40 with your current feelings.

Think that ship has sailed.

Just enjoy your life as it is.

A very close friend of mine has an 8 year old DD after much hesitation because everyone has this notion that you won't know happiness till you have children. She spent 5 years as a SAHM, and found it mind-numbingly boring and hated every moment of it. She's back at work now that her kid is in primary school, and she is a bit happier, but she still resents not being able to travel whenever she wants or go for 1-on-1 dinners with her DH multiple times a week. She loves her DD, and does her best, but she's always said that having her is one of her greatest mistakes in life.

Children are a massive commitment and I think, especially as women, they're seen as key to a fulfilling life. I don't think that's true at all.

Oh gosh, didn't realise that this thread is nearly 6 months old!

@H2OConnoisseur, I reposted on this just to see where @TheIceTree was now.

Her post resinated with me.