Final decision - remaining childfree or not

[TheIceTree]

I have recently turned 40. I have never really experienced the feeling of wanting kids as such. When I was younger I assumed that the desire might hit me at some later point, but it never really did. But now I am slightly questioning my decision, as I’m in the last chance saloon (or perhaps already too late, I realise) in terms of age.

There are some good solid reasons why remaining childfree would seem to be the best plan. I am a fairly classic introvert – I like quiet time and space to myself. I don’t feel ‘maternal’. When I see babies I don’t want to hold them or anything. In general, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of children, based on spending time with nieces/nephews and friends’ children. I also just can't picture myself doing things like baby talk, or singing nursery rhymes, or role play games. Due to all this, I fear I may be bad at parenthood, or that it would be a case of surviving rather than thriving.

We also love travel and I would certainly dislike limitations being placed on this part of our lives, post-Covid.

It feels like I’ve answered my own question. But something is making me question if I’m missing something – I guess essentially it is a kind of FOMO. I do like the idea of having an adult child when I’m older (but don’t like the idea of the stages in between). I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives. I fear that later in life we may regret having no children, but equally I’m aware that a certain proportion of people do, to some degree, regret having children, (and that would be worse in my opinion). I also suspect I’m the type of person who might regret it, for the reasons above.

I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who felt very conflicted about this issue, and either remained childfree, or went on to have a child.

@Lemonpiano

The horrific way women are treated by NHS maternity services is a pretty good reason to stay childfree - unless being violated, having your consent disregarded, being deeply traumatised, and left with lifelong physical and mental injuries is appealing.

Oh, and then having the special privilege of them blaming you for it and covering up what they did to you. Super.

Can you afford private maternity healthcare?

My goodness Lemonpiano - I am so very sorry that you've found this. I can't imagine (and am NOT asking) what trauma you faced to post this. But the OP does need to realise that this is not the experience for many - I found the NHS truly wonderful and will be forever grateful for them saving both my life and the life of my baby. My care was second to none, but I do appreciate that this isn't the same for everyone.

After reading your post I can't see any reason why you would have one. You clearly don't want one.

I think it’s much more difficult to decide to have children than to become pregnant without having to actively try. For us, it was an active decision as I was always on medication for endometriosis which I had to stop in order to try. I found it really difficult to make that decision, whereas I think if we had been able to just leave it to chance more and it had happened earlier we would have been really happy. After my mum died, I had a big rethink about my life and what I wanted from it, and so did DH - we decided to try (mid 30s).

We ended up conceiving right away (not at all expected, I thought I would need IVF) and it ended up being twins. Complicated pregnancy, traumatic birth, months in NICU and both twins have disabilities. We have no freedom at all (especially as no family support, and I massively underestimated the difference this would make), and it’s likely to stay that way longterm, possibly always. But we both accepted that we were ready to focus our attentions on a child and neither of us really miss the social side of things and lack of responsibility - we lived like that together for nearly a decade before I got pregnant and so we don’t feel we are missing out.

Having twins was a very scary prospect and that was before factoring in the disabilities. It has been intense and pretty relentless until they started school recently, but now things are much more manageable. I am quite concerned about the future longterm. I wouldn’t ever wish we hadn’t had them, but if i had known what was in store perhaps we would have made a different decision. I don’t regret it though. I would actually love to have another but the risk of another set of twins plus risk of disabilities means we have decided not to - I know it’s the logical decision but I am very sad about it.

Overall I am extremely glad we decided to have children - I love them more than anything in the world, they are (mostly!) happy and I think things will get easier as they get older, even if they may never live independently. However, I’m glad we waited until we were ready to give up a lot of the freedoms we had before as the situation we are in would be even more difficult if we felt resentful about missing out. My only regret is my mum not being around.

It doesn't sound like you want children. If you're interested in older children then you could get involved with teenager mentoring schemes, to help give them an improved start in life. If you then connect with them, that may give you a longer-term relationship, and if not then at least you may have been helpful. If you really love it then you could consider fostering older teenagers.

@Lemonpiano

The horrific way women are treated by NHS maternity services is a pretty good reason to stay childfree - unless being violated, having your consent disregarded, being deeply traumatised, and left with lifelong physical and mental injuries is appealing.

Oh, and then having the special privilege of them blaming you for it and covering up what they did to you. Super.

Can you afford private maternity healthcare?

I’m truly very sorry if any woman has gone through this but is absolutely nowhere near the experience of any of the women I know.

OP it sounds like you’re leaning towards staying child-free, what does your partner think?

I think it depends how you manage 'regret' in general. Some people experience and deal with regret, grief and resentment of what 'if's' very differently. I know of a few women who have, albeit they were single and went down the sperm donor route, chosen to have children not necessarily because "they've always wanted children per se", it was more of an abstract desire to create a meaningful relationship (with their future child), and also ideas of purpose, nurturing, belonging, structure in their lives came in to play. Raising a child and having one is a lifelong project, unlike relationships which may end and the ties severed between the individuals. Yes, this can happen too with having a child, but it's not the same, I believe. Maybe when single and not in a relationship these ideas of creating a family come from a slightly different place...

I've no idea. I'm nearly 40 (a few weeks). DH is infertile. I could cry every time we talk about not having children. I get so a sad at the idea of never being a mother. I've always expected I would have kids, but I grew up in a huge Catholic family. We can't adopt because I have a chronic illness they said they won't consider, but it isn't something I can control. ICSI is all but impossible for DH due to lack of sperm.

That said, I'm very much stuck in my own ways. I hate being around poorly behaved kids of any age. I'm terrified of having a non-NT child with all the extra stresses and work that would bring. I worry I'd be like my mum, who wasn't a very warm or maternal person.

Our only option would be donor sperm, but then I start fretting about parental rights in each scenario of how that works....

We've been going round in circles on this topic for nearly 3 years now.

You could be describing me to a T. We have decided to remain childfree. I'm sure I would love having a child and be a good mum but my thought process to arrive at this decision was, if I'm ambivalent with no burning desire to have a baby, then surely, that's the decision made. If I really wanted a child then surely thoughts of practicalities/ rational thought and agonising discussions would go out of the window in my broodiness and longing for a child?

Don't do it - I was like you, ambivalent about having kids and not sure if it was worth it. Let me tell you honestly that it's not worth it. It's beyond shit, boring, drudgery. Keep hold of your nice life and your freedom.

I could’ve written your post myself! I’m 42 and when I turned 40 I had a major wobble about where I was in life, I was in a relationship with a man who had 3 children (youngest 1 and eldest 12) and I knew from the start he didn’t want more. He blurted out one day he was planning on getting a vasectomy which I found infuriated me as I felt it took my decision away from. Anyway the relationship didn’t last and I’m still single.

I’ve never been maternal, always thought it would hit me one day or I’d meet ‘the one’ and have a desire to have babies...it’s never happened! I really enjoyed spending time with my ex’s oldest two but struggled with the baby, they’re so bloody needy (I joke!).

I always remember a friend telling me she was the same but then met her (now) husband and desperately wanted his babies. They have 2 and she will openly admit that she doesn’t like motherhood, her children are well looked after and certainly not neglected, but if she went back in time she wouldn’t of had them!

I’m quite happy now, I like my own space and having a disposable income! I plan to travel again when I can. It’s crazy that as females we feel our worth is based on our maternal instincts!

I could have written your post a year or so ago. You sound exactly like me!
But I accidentally got pregnant (abroad, so no access to morning after pill). Honestly, I think I'd be happier to be child free but we've done better as parents than we thought we would.

I'd say you've answered your own question and it probably is just 'what if' thoughts. Maternal instincts don't just appear once a baby is born. I had a horrific birth and was ill for months so found it even harder to bond.

I read the header and thought "that's what she wants to do". Then I read the post and thought "that's really what she wants to do!" "Remaining child-free" is what you asked about, and that shows where your priority really is, to me.

Look at it this way. If you didn't like dogs and didn't want to devote your life to one for eighteen or so years (which is pretty-much the minimum for looking after a child) you wouldn't get one. And at least with a dog, if you found it had been a terrible mistake and you were making a mess of the whole business you could probably rehome it, or at worst it would die after ten to fifteen years so you hadn't made a decision for the rest of your life.

There is one other factor to add into your considerations: after the age of forty, your chances of having a baby which has a congenital abnormality (don't blame me for the word, it's the one used by the NHS) rise. "While the rate of an embryo having Down syndrome at the 10-week mark of pregnancy is 1 in 1,064 at age 25, this rises to 1 in 686 at age 30 and 1 in 240 by the age of 35 years. At the age of 40, the Down's syndrome rate increases still to 1 in 53, and down to 1 in 19 embryos at age 45." This doesn't say anything about the severity of the condition, and many children with Down's that is not severe have long and fulfilled lives, but a tragic number don't, and have related conditions which make everything even harder all round: heart defects, thyroid defects and so on. And Down's is not the only chromosomal difficulty a child may be born with; the chances of all of them increase with the age of the mother, as does ASD.

So you need to be prepared for those possibilities, and consider whether you have the right feelings about having a dependent child for the rest of your life. You might very well win that lottery a majority of people do! but would you want/be able to cope if you had to?

I don't exactly envy you your childless state, but dearly though I love my children in the abstract, now that they are in their thirties I see them perhaps every six months or so unless I make the effort to go to them. They've grown away as they started families and lives of their own, and that's how it ought to be, but having had something and then no longer having it is harder to deal with than I suspect never having had it at all would have been.

Yes I agree with previous posters that fostering older children sounds like it might suit you. It's flexible, so you can do it for short or long periods. You skip the early years that you wouldn't enjoy anyway.

And if you really get on well with it, there might be the chance to adopt (but even if not, you could still maintain a relationship with them afterwards).

I feel like you OP. Am 38. I think I will remain childfree. The world is overpopulated. The climate crisis is scary. Politics right now also scary. The future doesn’t seem so bright to me.
I have heRd having children is like having your heart and happiness walk around in somebody else’s body (ie your child’s). Your child could bring you joy but also such pain. I personally won’t be risking it.

Surely nobody likes other people's children that much?
I was never maternal until I saw my firstborn for the first time.
I have had a child in my 40s but not sure I would choose to start then. You've obviously seen other "clock ticking" years go by without deciding the time was right, so I wonder why you are wavering at 40?

I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives

Honestly, this sounds like remaining child free would be the better option.

Can't you renovate a house or do a triathlon if you need a meaningful project?!

From what you’ve said, I wouldn’t. Yes you’d love your kids I’m sure and have a good life, but it sounds like you’d be happier without them.

I had DS when I was 30, I didn't particularly like kids and I think if something hadn't fucked up with my pill, I might not have had kids, it was always in my head, well that would be nice, but no real plan to actually go ahead with it. DP had an older son anyway and I enjoyed playing with him and love him alot, so I thought that would be that and then DS comes along. Then the maternial thing hit me and I wanted more kids, that hasn't happened either.

I wouldn't say I was your typical parent, DS (8) seems to know more about politics then some adults out there, due to circumstances he knows a shit ton more about mental health than he should. But he is a well mannered, generous little boy and I am very proud of him.

I look at my two siblings, one has kids, still goes on tons of holidays with and without them, cracked on with their career and is really flying high, the other doesn't have kids, still goes on holidays, flying high in their career as well. I think both probably wonder what if when looking at the other but they are both happy in the decisions they made.

Only you can really make the choice, but if your decision is based on the expectations of what parenting looks like to society doing playdates, talking in a baby voice, etc just don't do those things. As long as the homelife is good and the child is happy and safe, you are doing a good job.

Similarly, if you don't want kids, don't do just because it is expected of you as a woman (I have assumed you are)

I would really listen to your gut OP and the people sharing their experiences here with you. Use the insight to your advantage and make a decision.

No one can can tell you what to do or how you’ll feel, but they can give you a good insight on to the reality of having a child. At the moment all you have is an imagination and wonder of what’s it like

I love my children more than the world and I would die to protect them in an instant. I love them more than life and if anything ever happened to them I’d jump off a bridge because I couldn’t live without them, now I know them.

However with that immensely overpowering love comes stress and worry. Mine are 8 &13 but when they’re poorly, having a difficult time at school (ones got SEN) it breaks my heart.

It might not be like that for everyone but I can’t switch off from worrying about whether my DC with SEN will be able to get a job etc when they’re older and whether they’ll be happy etc.... it’s really hard at times the constant worry.

If you don’t know what that love is like then you don’t know what that stress is like either....

I wouldn’t do it on the back if wondering what it’s like if you’re not that fussed either way.

I also am an introvert and love time by myself and usually hate interruptions. Having a baby made me constantly interruptible and I couldn’t do the things I so loved which I found so frustrating. Not being able to be productive when I wanted to be was so hard. However, I’ve learned that that is a big part of parenting - to have to go with the flow and follow your baby’s lead. I had to switch from being me and doing what I wanted to do to giving so much of myself to my child (for now). Some might say I have sacrificed too much (me time, sleep etc) but this is what is working for us at the moment and I think I’m coming out the other side now. So I just wanted to say, I felt very much like you before having a baby, had a massive shock and feeling of grief for my old life but two years down the line, I’m getting that independence back. So, speaking plainly, it’s a bit rubbish for the first couple of years and then it’s a bit better and you can see more of your old life coming back. And there’s also so much delight that you can only know about when you have a child.

Children are not a 'project' to give your life meaning, if that's your honest feeling then don't do it.
I'm childfree, I've never regretted it for a minute, my life wouldn't have been made better by having a baby and I'm in no way incomplete.
I have no idea how it feels to be broody or to hear my biological clock ticking, it just never happened to me.

You’ve answered your own question. You don’t want to, so don’t. There are lots of ways to give and add richness to life, having children is one, but there is no denying it’s so all consuming it’s hard to keep up the others.

@Bringbackthestrips

I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives

Honestly, this sounds like remaining child free would be the better option.

I think this constitutes a large part of the reason to have children for a significant number of people, though — I’d just finished a book I’d been working on for the best part of a decade when we decided to ttc, and I doubt I’d have done it if the book project had gone on another year, or I was moving straight onto something else.

OP, I don’t think you need to be afire to have a child, or to enjoy the company of other people’s children, to like holding babies, or find the prospect of singing nursery rhymes enticing as any form of ‘qualification’ for having children. I don’t think ambivalence suggests you would be in any way a poorer parent than someone whose ovaries have been shouting ‘Use me!’ since puberty.

There are as many ways of being a parent as there are people. I’m much the same as the career-focused, solitary person I was before we had DS, and I often don’t recognise parenthood as depicted on Mn. DS has fitted in with our lives — we’ve lived in three countries since has was born, though I think we’ll stay put for a while now, though we’re considering a year in NY at some point — and he’s fabulous, adaptable, clever, funny. Parenthood is interesting. DS has added to my life rather than transformed it, but I’m pretty sure I’d have remained happy if we’d chosen not to have a child, too, because I liked my life then.

The only snag is that it’s just not possible to testdrive the experience of having a child, and doing it yourself is completely different to what it looks like from the outside. Whatever you choose, you ‘lose’ the other future, but that’s the same with any choice you make. Good luck, whatever you decide.

@katy1213

I'm sure the deep regret of wishing you hadn't is much worse than the occasional twinge of what if.

This. If your heart doesn't break at the thought of not having one, then don't do it. I mean that kindly, with no judgement attached.