Final decision - remaining childfree or not

[TheIceTree]

I have recently turned 40. I have never really experienced the feeling of wanting kids as such. When I was younger I assumed that the desire might hit me at some later point, but it never really did. But now I am slightly questioning my decision, as I’m in the last chance saloon (or perhaps already too late, I realise) in terms of age.

There are some good solid reasons why remaining childfree would seem to be the best plan. I am a fairly classic introvert – I like quiet time and space to myself. I don’t feel ‘maternal’. When I see babies I don’t want to hold them or anything. In general, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of children, based on spending time with nieces/nephews and friends’ children. I also just can't picture myself doing things like baby talk, or singing nursery rhymes, or role play games. Due to all this, I fear I may be bad at parenthood, or that it would be a case of surviving rather than thriving.

We also love travel and I would certainly dislike limitations being placed on this part of our lives, post-Covid.

It feels like I’ve answered my own question. But something is making me question if I’m missing something – I guess essentially it is a kind of FOMO. I do like the idea of having an adult child when I’m older (but don’t like the idea of the stages in between). I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives. I fear that later in life we may regret having no children, but equally I’m aware that a certain proportion of people do, to some degree, regret having children, (and that would be worse in my opinion). I also suspect I’m the type of person who might regret it, for the reasons above.

I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who felt very conflicted about this issue, and either remained childfree, or went on to have a child.

@EPea

I was always on the fence - lots of similar thoughts to the ones you're describing. We now have one DS. I love him more than I ever could have imagined but the impact on my life, our marriage, my sense of self, my professional identity, my feelings of competence as a capable person... enormous. All immeasurably changed forever. It is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. Now my son is here and I know him, I wouldn't trade that relationship for the world. But, if my younger, child-free self had caught a glimpse of the future reality of parenting; the exhaustion, the relentlessness; I would've remained child-free. You know yourself best, trust your instinct.

This is an excellent summary of how I feel. You can't ask parents because now that we have the kids, I cannot imagine a life without them. But the truth is that I am pretty certain that I'd have been perfectly happy without DC. And in fact, I never felt hugely maternal. DH really wanted some and I wasn't anti-the idea so I went along with it. I wouldn't swap it for the world but I suspect if I knew then what I knew now and didn't have the overwhelming love to blur things, I'd have made a different decision.

if you are not sure (and you seem to have a lot of reasons going against anyways) I would remain child free.

Also, and I may get scolded, at 40, there is every chance you left it too late anyways and the risk of complications for yourself during pregnancy and childbirth go up as well as the chance of having a disabled child.

Seems like you have your head screwed and and you enjoy a lot of things because of being child free. I would keep the status quo.

You have to go with your gut feeling. There’s an argument both for and against. At 40 you’re used to doing things your way and might not appreciate the chaos a child brings. On the flip side you might love being a mum and be so glad that you decided to go ahead. It’s such a personal decision that the experiences of starters on the internet are really neither here nor there.

I’m not, on the whole, a huge fan of other people’s children (they’re mostly pretty annoying) and now my kids are older I find small children irritating too. But my teens are my favourite people (when they’re not in a mood with me), I would always take their company over DPs any day. So just because you don’t particularly enjoy the company of other peoples children, doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t enjoy your own. There is however no guarantee, parenthood may well not be for you.

So at the end of the day no one can really help. You are the one that has to live with your decision, therefore only you can decide.

Something "missing" doesn't have to be a child. It could be thatyo've reached an age where you desire more purpose in your life. I've certainly read enough articles about how if you want to change the world, find a 40+ woman to do it for you! So think about what would fulfil you - whether that's changing your career, finding a cause to fight for, going back to university, taking up painting etc. It doesn't have to be a baby.

It really sounds like you have made the best decision for you. I was in a similar position ten years ago. Neither of us felt any urge for children, neither of us enjoyed the company of young children and neither of us felt that a child would in any way enhance our lives. However we were at a point in our lives where our careers and lives were changing to ones that meant less international travel, we had bought a house and moved out of our flat and had more time and space in our lives. We'd also been given a holiday home on my fathers estate in Cornwall and wanted to spend time down there.

Everyone assumed that we were thinking about having a baby and that made us think should we do it - but after about half an hour we decided that we were making the changes we were because we wanted to spend more time together and enjoy life more and a child would not allow us to do that. We both felt miserable at the thought of having a baby so that kind of swung it for us.

We did have our niece and nephew stay with us frequently (their mother had a lot of issues) and they came to live with us when she died - they were 11 and 15 so more independent and good company. We have no regrets now about taking them on because they are lovely, but equally we have no regrets about not having children of our own because we wouldn't have been happy.

Only you can decide, and if one day you do happen to change your mind, there are other options.

Enjoy your life

OP, I could've written your post albeit when I was 30 rather than 40.
Never felt broody, never that fussed by kids, hated the idea of breastfeeding etc.

Knew DH was keen to be a dad even though he said he was fine with being child free.

Now..... I have a 2 year old. In the last 2 years I have become estranged from my mum, lost my job, got another job (lost that due to covid), found yet another job and had to deal with nursery being closed at various. What I'm saying is the first 2 years of motherhood haven't been ideal but even with all of that it's actually been fine!

I had no interest in the baby phase at all, I still don't get what people see in babies but as she's grown into a small person I have enjoyed it much more and now as toddler I genuinely enjoy hanging out with her, she's bloody hilarious.

I'm not the classic natural earth mother type:
Had elective c section
Bottle fed and never co slept
Didn't go to NCT
Didn't make mum friends or go to baby classes
Still work full time
Share parenting 50/50 with DH
Never bothered with making all the home made weaning food

My point? There's more than one way to be a mum. The hardest part of parenting has been everyone judging me for the above!

Happy chat more, feel free to DM me x

TheIceTree
What if it would be 'the making of me' or similar ideas which others have expressed? But it's quite a big risk to take!

The risk is not only whether it would be the making of you. It is a risk for the child as well. You will be making the child, but can have literally no idea what it will be like, or what having been made will be like for the child. It's not just you that you have to think about; it is another human being. (He or she may not be particularly grateful for your having sacrificed for their sake the life with which you were content. This applies particularly in the teen years when the words "I wish you'd never had me!" or "I wish I'd never been born!" can be heard in homes all round the land, and they hurt the mother horribly.)

It's necessary to see the decision to have a child as being about yourself; it can't be about the child, because the child does not yet exist.

I am childfree at 50. I never set out to be childfree, but equally becoming a parent never consumed me or was even a priority. A couple of times I had some investigations (I could not fall pregnant) but I never seriously followed up. I never tried IVF and I sometimes think this is telling when I read about how much other women have put themselves through to conceive. Although I never ruled it out, it seems maybe I didn’t want it as much as some women do.

At times, I will reflect and feel a little bit sad that I am not a mother, but I sometimes feel relieved as well, I don’t think I would have been good at it. I like babies (obviously I have never looked after one 24/7 but I do get clucky over them) but I don’t generally like spending time with children. My mother always said she didn’t like children, “other than her own” but she wasn’t a great mother and I had an unhappy childhood.

I think as I got to 40, an acceptance started to come about naturally (I sometimes think this was my subconscious protecting me). I have had an interesting life, lived on three continents, travelled widely and have had some good life experiences. I am at peace with my status and think it was not my path.

No don't have any. I regret it. It's worse with an additional needs child. Harder. I just feel I made a terrible mistake. You can't put them back. I'm dragging myself along and she's 14. I'm fucking drained and can't wait to die. My MH is fucked. I'll never be the same. Honestly just enjoy your free, selfish, rich, fulfilling, early retirement lots of travel, lie in, full mental health life. Far better to wistfully regret than wake up daily thinking wtf.

Two words: Family Court. Shudder.

Also, you mention liking the idea of an adult child. Think of all the absoutely horrible adults out in the world. Almost all have a Mum out there somewhere, and you could end up one of them. There are no guarantees your child will like you or even be a decent human being.

Stick to your guns.

I'm 35 and feel exactly the same as you. Deep down I feel the societal expectation to have children is still so huge, that part of me will always be worried I'm missing out.

I love my life as it is, and I am acutely aware of what having children will take from my life. And given that I don't feel a deep rooted desire to be a mother, I don't think I'll ever be able to understand what they would add to my life. I don't think I'm articulating myself very well but hopefully you get my gist!

Sometimes I just feel a bit sad that I might never experience motherhood. It's a tough situation. My decision isn't made yet but I feel like it's the most difficult one I'll ever have to make.
Hope you work it out and find peace whatever you decide ❤️

Op, you sound exactly like me. I'm a little younger than you, but everything you put in your post completely resonates with me. It's such a hard one.

I'm very family orientated. My immediate family are my favourite people in the world, but I still have no desire to be a parent. I don't think I'll actually regret either decision, because how can you regret a life that you have no idea how it'll turn out? I might feel sad when I'm older, that I don't have adult children, but literally no one knows what the future has in store. One of my relatives has an only son who now lives in Australia, and another has adult son who very sadly died earlier this year. My parents both have fractious relationships with their siblings.

It sounds to me like you don't want children, but I completely get how difficult it is to make that final decision.

FOMO is not a good reason to have kids.
Child-free is fine. Good way to live.

I think if you are uncertain at 40 then it's not for you.

Biologically it might already be too late. There is world of difference between 35 and 40.

Could you do SEN? Could you face interacting with schools? Doind the tears over friendships when they are teens?

To have a great relationship with a adult child you really have to invest heavily in the mundane day to day shit that is bonkers to you, but vital to them.

I think you need to concentrate on what would be fair on a child.

Age 58 here, childfree, zero regrets. The opposite, really.

I couldn't have handled a difficult or SN child, for one thing. Even with no special needs the long years of dreariness with a few "cute" moments seemed a horrid prospect.

Happy to focus on career, volunteering, gardening for pollinators and other pursuits. Also glad I'm not contributing to overpopulation.

I'm exactly like you, not having kids either. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm missing out, but then I wonder what with really? Children are such hard work, and it's never ending basically.

I’m childfree by choice, OP, and your reasons for not having children are very, very similar to mine.

I think you know what you want, both with heart and head, and it’s highly unlikely that you will regret your decision. I certainly never have. Enjoy your freedom.

Not sure if this helps or not but I desperately desperately wanted my two little girls, they are are you apart, I love them to pieces and feel so lucky to have them but it's extremely hard work and it's relentless and I have very little freedom… Even I occasionally think "god my life would
Be so much easier without these children what was I thinking". So if you're leaning towards not having any I'd probably not have any!

*a year apart

Have you read all the threads on here from people who weren't quite sure and now utterly regret it?! I would follow your gut. No guarantee of relationships with adult children and years of blood sweat and tears in between. I think it's the making of people who are chaotic and lurch from one existential crisis to another and children provide stability, focus and purpose. You don't sound like you need those things.

Enjoy yourself!!

This is something I'm also considering. I am 34. I have gone through phases of wanting a child but, despite being happily married with a good job etc. I have never taken the plunge. I think now it's because I don't really want them. I have had physical and mental health problems, and it just seems like too much of a risk. Also, I have a great marriage and don't want that threatened by anything. I also had a shit childhood and don't want to have a child and then resent it.

I do actually like children, especially babies, and will happily play with them for hours - but I feel the same about dogs and yet don't want one of those.

I haven't 100% ruled out having one, but somehow I don't think I will.

The whole point of FOMO is that everyone is missing out on something. None of us have it all.

If you have children... you will miss out. (On disposable income, free time, carefree travelling, perhaps on career advancement...)

If you don't have children, you will miss out on motherhood and walking them to school and hearing their thoughts and having their company and their love.

I have children and many of my friends do not. Both choices meant we missed out. We are all happy enough with our choices, though... thank goodness.

If you're not convinced at 40 then let it go. You'll find plenty to occupy your time, talent and love if that's what you want. You don't need kids for that, and it sounds like you don't really fancy them.

Hope you are happy whichever way you go!

Good point by PP: I have serious FOMO about the idea of being Child-Free!

I felt similar to you - I've never felt an urge to have a baby. I also don't find very young children very interesting. However, I now have a pre-schooler and we're hoping for number two.

I actually think it sounds like you do want to try, but that it feels daunting and involves risk and uncertainty. That's normal. It's a very typical approach to compare the known pluses (your current life) with the likely negatives (your potential future life where you lose your current freedom, time etc).

I don't think I'm a particularly amazing parent day to day, but I'm glad it's a path I went down. I've learned so much about myself and I really appreciate the community that has opened up. Also, DD is funny and smart and I feel privileged to be helping her navigate this life. I know I can't control the person she becomes, but I'm doing my best to give her roots and wings.

If I'd waited until I had a strong maternal urge I doubt it would have happened. I'm ok with that. I spoke to a post-natal psychologist who told me that having a strong urge doesn't appear to have a big correlation with quality parenting later on.