Final decision - remaining childfree or not

[TheIceTree]

I have recently turned 40. I have never really experienced the feeling of wanting kids as such. When I was younger I assumed that the desire might hit me at some later point, but it never really did. But now I am slightly questioning my decision, as I’m in the last chance saloon (or perhaps already too late, I realise) in terms of age.

There are some good solid reasons why remaining childfree would seem to be the best plan. I am a fairly classic introvert – I like quiet time and space to myself. I don’t feel ‘maternal’. When I see babies I don’t want to hold them or anything. In general, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of children, based on spending time with nieces/nephews and friends’ children. I also just can't picture myself doing things like baby talk, or singing nursery rhymes, or role play games. Due to all this, I fear I may be bad at parenthood, or that it would be a case of surviving rather than thriving.

We also love travel and I would certainly dislike limitations being placed on this part of our lives, post-Covid.

It feels like I’ve answered my own question. But something is making me question if I’m missing something – I guess essentially it is a kind of FOMO. I do like the idea of having an adult child when I’m older (but don’t like the idea of the stages in between). I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives. I fear that later in life we may regret having no children, but equally I’m aware that a certain proportion of people do, to some degree, regret having children, (and that would be worse in my opinion). I also suspect I’m the type of person who might regret it, for the reasons above.

I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who felt very conflicted about this issue, and either remained childfree, or went on to have a child.

Children are hard work, expensive, they’ll ruin any travel plans, cream furniture and sexy, lazy Sunday mornings for at least the next ten years. They are also overrated. Mother Nature makes us broody and it’s marvellous, but as time goes by you do find yourself wondering why becoming a mum is so important. Enjoy the life you have. Xx

The whole point of FOMO is that everyone is missing out on something. None of us have it all.

Excellent point, @Norwester. Everyone “misses out” on something, but it only matters if you regret missing whatever it is.

What suits one person doesn’t suit another, that’s what makes life interesting.😄

@RedPickledCabbage They might for you, but we had excellent trips to Paris, Rome, Bermuda, the Bahamas, various part of the UK with under-10’s. Further afield to various Asian and South American countries in the tweens/early teens.

Under-5’s are a different matter, as are moany teenagers.🤣 Even if the pandemic wasn’t happening, we’d be taking a break until our eldest is 18. No point wasting money if they don’t want to go!

I very much wanted my children, I'd never have settled without having had any. However, I often feel like mother nature played a cruel trick on me. My mental health has never been the same since I had PND, my body is basically knackered, I regularly feel bored and isolated yet relentlessly busy... I love them so much and they are wonderful and give me lots of joy, but I feel like I have taken such a hit and I have so many restrictions. DH and I rarely manage a night out together - last time we went for dinner with friends our eldest played up for DM and we had to collect her and go home . My advice is not to if you're not sure.

Thank you for at least carefully considering whether to bring life into the world. Most do not.

I don’t have children and in my early twenties was against it for a lot of the reasons you mention. But now I’ve changed my mind because instead of “do I want children?” I asked “do I want a family” which made me think differently because if I were honest with myself I couldn’t imagine getting old with DH and not having independent adult children. What also helped was that I realised it was my duty to be a role model to my future children and keep pursuing the life I wanted in terms of lifestyle, career etc. No, one can’t have it all but you can bloody well try and adapt. I met a few mum role models who managed to do just this and it gave me confidence to ttc.

You say something feels missing. I think you need to really reflect on what that is exactly. Is it children or something else? Don’t underestimate this pandemic has affected us all and I wonder not being able to do the things you enjoy, like travel, has made you think this way? If you conclude children are not for you you can have a very happy and fulfilling life still.

You'll have regrets no matter your choice. That's okay, too... anyone without regrets is lacking in imagination on what might have been. Having regrets doesn't mean you're miserable.

I will say that you point out that a disabled or SEN child would stop you travelling, but of course your dp becoming disabled would have the same effect. A child might
inspire you to explore places and ideas you had not considered.

This isn't an issue you can logic your way out of. Just gotta go with your gut feeling.

You say you’ve never wanted children. Find something else OP - rescue dogs, charity work, mentoring, anything at all that gives you purpose. How exciting, it can be absolutely anything you want!! Enjoy the gift of choice and build a life you want and choose. For you that’s not kids of your own, so what will you choose?

I was never very maternal and am still not really into other people's children. I never thought babies were cute or wanted to hold other people's, but that hormones do kick in differently when they're your own I also struggled with the baby stages. But actually I do really enjoy my kids now. They're late primary, we can play interesting games together, we've done our first long distance holiday, they're discovering books and films that I enjoyed, and life is actually pretty fun with them a lot of the time.

I was v similar to you, no urge no interest in babies. But I had a child. First 2 years - awful. Looking after a baby as an introvert that needs my own space = hellish. You need a great partner that will offer equal parenting effort. After that, each year gets better, many freedoms come back (travel, work, etc) as they get older. As I hit peri menopause one of the things that keeps me sane is my child, because the pure love and care I feel for him is one of the few 'real' things I experience in day to day life. Its a privilege to experience that. However if I hadn't had him I reckon I'd also be happy. Its a totally valid choice.

Oh OP, I could have written you post too. I turn 40 in 2021 and have never been keen on kids. DP would love one and even nearly left me some years ago because he felt it to be so important and I couldn't commit to it.

In my case, I'm also an introvert and worry about the impact on my career, ability to travel etc. I think fundamentally I enjoy my life as it is so wonder why I would risk it for something that I might regret. I like quiet time and would love to retire early! In my case, DP also has ADHD, so I carry a greater proportion of the mental load as he just isn't good at it. So I know what I would be signing up for in that department if we were to go down the kids route.

I think I have come to terms with not having them now, but I'm naturally an anxious person so of course am always worrying I've made the wrong choice. On the other hand, I know my anxiety would mean I could never relax if I had kids as I would worry about every aspect of their lives and whether or not I was being a good parent.

I adopted 2 kittens last year and they are my perfect babies and bring me so much joy So that's what I've decided to stick with for the time being.

It really doesn't sound like it's right for you. I felt the same until I hit 30 then changed and really wanted a child. If you don't have the urge, don't do it, it's tough at times.

I've name changed for this because admitting this is tricky - No one can make this choice for you and I know it's a bloody hard one.

I never wanted children until I met my ex husband and became a stepmum. Then I did - almost overnight at the age you are now. Looking back however I had a very very rose tinted view of parenthood.

We divorced and I was then a single parent - the strain of being parents meant we stopped focussing on each other - being a single parent, not what I planned although it was my decision to end the marriage.

Given the chance to make the decision again,,,,i would remain childfree. However and it's a big however, I can't imagine my life without my son. And if I hadn't done it, I think I would have always yearned for the experience. But Jesus it's hard so I think you need to be very sure.

All the best with your choice. It's yours and others will always have their views. There is no right or wrong choice, just different choices

I should add that after I became a step mum we had our own son too

In my case I'm 44 and have strong maternal feelings but I'm unable to have a baby for several reasons...

Sometimes I see a small baby and feel heartbroken or I look at my friends daughter and I think, I could have had a daughter like that...

But the reality would probably have been different for me as I'm unable to come off my psychiatric meds so the baby could have been born disabled, most likely the poor thing would've been born addicted to my meds, I'd be at high risk from my epilepsy as well as serious mental illness.

I have no nieces or nephews sadly, and I'm single too. I doubt I'd be able to adopt or foster.

OP you're not in my situation at all but you don't sound as if you really want to have a baby?

I wouldn't reading your post. I sometimes get caught up in the fantasy of having children too but realistically know I wouldn't cut it as a Mum. I am a loving person but also value my free time immensely and I am most happy having plenty of sleep. I direct all my love to my Nephew. I am not anti-children at all but I am very awkward around them, friends kids, etc. I really feel for Mums or Dads whose children are screaming or upset but hate the sound.

You have to separate the fantasy from reality. I don't know it personally but seeing my Sister completely & utterly shattered was hard (not that I was any help, have never changed a nappy mostly because I don't want to, lol. I would rather clean to help instead). You can have meaningful relationships as an Auntie and to your friend's children too.

Don't do it. You are right. It is not for you. Its won't be fair on the kids either. There are many ways to have a good life. You live yours.

What about your DH? How much does he truly want them?

I'm not saying you should have kids for him, but, realistically, if he wants them (even deep down) then it could prove to be an issue in your relationship

@HarrietPotterska

What about your DH? How much does he truly want them?

I'm not saying you should have kids for him, but, realistically, if he wants them (even deep down) then it could prove to be an issue in your relationship

He is happy either way, he'll get behind either direction.

@blueleonburger

Thank you for at least carefully considering whether to bring life into the world. Most do not.

I don’t have children and in my early twenties was against it for a lot of the reasons you mention. But now I’ve changed my mind because instead of “do I want children?” I asked “do I want a family” which made me think differently because if I were honest with myself I couldn’t imagine getting old with DH and not having independent adult children. What also helped was that I realised it was my duty to be a role model to my future children and keep pursuing the life I wanted in terms of lifestyle, career etc. No, one can’t have it all but you can bloody well try and adapt. I met a few mum role models who managed to do just this and it gave me confidence to ttc.

You say something feels missing. I think you need to really reflect on what that is exactly. Is it children or something else? Don’t underestimate this pandemic has affected us all and I wonder not being able to do the things you enjoy, like travel, has made you think this way? If you conclude children are not for you you can have a very happy and fulfilling life still.

Thank you. I do think the pandemic has affected my feelings. It's not a good time to be making any important decisions, with everything so out of kilter.

An added factor is that my dad received a terminal diagnosis this year and is in end of life care. I have been helping my mum a lot with various things (equipment, navigating the care system and funding, moral support, and small but important things like getting supermarket delivery slots). I think this situation has influenced my feelings with regards to having an adult child later in life, because I can't imagine how difficult my mum's situation would be without any of the support that my brother and I have provided (although I realise that having a child in no way guarantees any such support).

Honestly I bloody love my kids, they were very much wanted and they are easily the best decision I've ever made. I was lucky enough to have very easy pregnancies and they're pretty nice kids. I had my first fairly late on so had done a fair bit of partying and travelling before I had them. Yet still in spite of all of that there's days when it's really really hard work, when I miss my old life, when I think I'm a shit mum and when I question whether I did the right thing.

I think society would be greatly improved if the pressure was removed from women to have kids, if it wasn't just something that's expected of us. And instead it became something that we only persued once we decided that we really really wanted it. There'd be a lot less neglected children and a lot less women who find themselves sleepwalking into a situation that they only realise they didn't want once it's too late.

Pregnancy and motherhood has taken a toll on my body, my career, my social life, my relationship, my sleeping habits, my hobbies and my finances and I've aged terribly but I don't mind (most of the time) because I really wanted this. My advice to you is if it's not something you're desperate for, then don't do it - go out and travel, party or whatever it is that you'd love to do instead. The child free people in know who are in their fifties and sixties have an amazing life and a lot more extra cash than anyone else I know.

I was not a “kiddy” person. I am still not (don’t like other people’s kids at all, to be honest). But having my own has been fantastic; definitely the best thing I’ve ever done. I do think it’s almost impossible to understand ex ante how you will feel about your own child. (Just a personal perspective, of course - not sure if it’s helpful....)

I disagree with those who say you should only have kids if you have a “burning desire”. I never particularly wanted kids, wasn’t (and am still not) anyone’s idea of “maternal” and didn’t particularly like other people’s babies. Was 38 and in a relatively new relationship when I became pregnant - we decided to go ahead with it and I am SO glad we did.

Having my kids has been the best thing I have ever done. That child is now 20, and has 3 siblings. It was difficult at times but I have never regretted it - watching them grow and become their own people has been the most rewarding experience of my life. We continued to go out for dinner, the theatre, travelling - doing all the things we did before.
Sometimes differently, and it takes a bit more effort, but it’s possible.

I think maybe because I never had the “burning desire” I also didn’t have long standing expectations and fantasies of motherhood, and perhaps that’s a factor in avoiding the resentment and disillusionment others on here describe?

If you’re really torn, and it doesn’t sound like you are, do one if two things.

1. Flip a coin, that’ll tell you all you need to know.
2. try for 6 months, if it happens, great, if not enjoy your life of spontaneity and disposable income.

This was me. Next year I'm starting as a mentor to care leavers. Can't wait. A chance to do something useful, build a relationship with a young person etc, and I have an eye on fostering in the future. Suits me far better than having one "of my own." Never liked babies but adore young adults - oddly enough I'm fiercely maternal towards that age but not younger - don't know why but hope to make the best of it.

I completely get your post OP, I'm a bit younger than you (not much!) and child free by choice. I also have never felt broody or had maternal feelings or urges, but the older I get I do sometimes wonder if I might like it - I think I would like to have an older child but not a baby/toddler/preschooler. Deep down I know that it's just not for me though, and I have enough good friends and family with children to have a good idea of what it's like. I love my freedom, my career, adventure travel, sleep, our high disposable income, and my fitness and exercise is hugely important to me. The daily grind drudge work of cleaning, laundry, cooking, play parks, school runs etc. just isn't for me. That said, we have 5 dogs that I adore and don't begrudge doing anything for, so I know it's different if it's what you really want. I'm happy with my life as it is, I don't feel like there's anything missing or that I need anything to 'be the making of me' as a PP said, I'm ok as I am DP is ambivalent - more on the side of no but if I really wanted it he'd do it. We'd be good parents, we're both good people, responsible, caring etc. any child we had would be loved, but I'm 99.9% certain we'll stay as we are.