Final decision - remaining childfree or not

[TheIceTree]

I have recently turned 40. I have never really experienced the feeling of wanting kids as such. When I was younger I assumed that the desire might hit me at some later point, but it never really did. But now I am slightly questioning my decision, as I’m in the last chance saloon (or perhaps already too late, I realise) in terms of age.

There are some good solid reasons why remaining childfree would seem to be the best plan. I am a fairly classic introvert – I like quiet time and space to myself. I don’t feel ‘maternal’. When I see babies I don’t want to hold them or anything. In general, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of children, based on spending time with nieces/nephews and friends’ children. I also just can't picture myself doing things like baby talk, or singing nursery rhymes, or role play games. Due to all this, I fear I may be bad at parenthood, or that it would be a case of surviving rather than thriving.

We also love travel and I would certainly dislike limitations being placed on this part of our lives, post-Covid.

It feels like I’ve answered my own question. But something is making me question if I’m missing something – I guess essentially it is a kind of FOMO. I do like the idea of having an adult child when I’m older (but don’t like the idea of the stages in between). I also like the idea of a meaningful ‘project’ for the next phase of our lives. I fear that later in life we may regret having no children, but equally I’m aware that a certain proportion of people do, to some degree, regret having children, (and that would be worse in my opinion). I also suspect I’m the type of person who might regret it, for the reasons above.

I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who felt very conflicted about this issue, and either remained childfree, or went on to have a child.

Don't have a child because you want a friend in later life. There's no guarantee your adult child won't turn out as a useless waster who's a burden on you. Or they might choose to emigrate to the other side of the world.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment, it's useful and appreciated.

Re the term 'project', I couldn't find the right phrasing but I meant a meaningful focal point for our lives - something we would care deeply about and put our energies into.

To those who have suggested mentoring/fostering older children - thanks but I probably wouldn't be good at it. I don't particularly connect with older children/teens (albeit based on very limited experience). However, I might look into other volunteering possibilities.

Those who have said that I should remain childfree are probably right. But it is possibly slightly more nuanced than my OP might suggest. A few people have said things like 'you're happy as you are', and the truth is that I'm not completely happy, and I sometimes feel that something is missing from life...but I'm not sure the answer to that should be a child.

Don't underestimate your capacity to be maternal. It just doesn't manifest in some women until they have their babies. I was one such person. I was like you - never "felt" maternal, or broody, never really wanted to hold babies or engage in baby talk etc etc. If I did hold other people's babies I'd want to give them back the instant they started fussing. I loved my independent life - the money to spend as and when I chose, the emotional and physical freedom.

And then I felt pregnant with my first son. He was a surprise. Very much so! The instant he arrived all I could think about was him, how precious he was, what an amazing gift. I couldn't, and wouldn't put him down. I was so very very happy. And I realized that he brought so much depth and richness and meaning into my life.

Fast forward 4 years and I had my second son. Now these two bright sparks are my life - they have humbled me and made me complete. I can only speak from personal experience but I am so grateful for them, these little people who will one day, become adults with (hopefully) families of their own. And they will continue to give me meaning and purpose as I age. I think I would have lived to regret not having children, even though I felt like I wasn't cut out for it.

Having children gives you so much more to worry about. Pretty much every decision you make in life suddenly revolves around them, from what to eat to where to go to where to live. You can never be who you were before and I don’t think anything can really prepare you for the enormity of it when it hits. Even going to the shop takes bloody mammoth planning and a buggy and nappies and wet wipes.

Believe me, the feeling that something is missing from your life can be there even if you do have children!

I am a fairly classic introvert – I like quiet time and space to myself. I don’t feel ‘maternal’. When I see babies I don’t want to hold them or anything. In general, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of children

Don’t have kids.

The lack of time and space to myself is the thing I find most testing, and nine years down the line it’s as difficult to navigate as ever.

Don’t do it! I’m introvert too, and I have never for a moment regretted not having children. I feel I dodged a bullet. Honestly bar a couple, most of my friends with children just seem permanently low-grade miserable (& broke!)

It doesn't sound as though you want to really. I love being a mother, and have found it fulfilling and relatively easy. However so many don't. It isn't for everyone- it's one of those things that can go wonderfully and unexpectedly right, or absolutely horrendously wrong. You may have a child and do a complete about turn and adore the whole dog and pony show that is parenthood, but then again you might not, in which case you're in the shit for life. In your shoes I'd hold fire. You're happy with your life. If you feel like you'd like to make long term and meaningful connections with children, teens and and young adults, there are many excellent ways to do that, such as mentoring schemes for young people leaving care

I think you’ve answered your own question. I always wanted to be child free, loved travelling, parties, freedom, took precautions etc.

DH and I had a little (accident ) surprise a few years ago and we ended up having a little DD. I wouldn’t be without her now, but there have been massive lifestyle changes, mostly on my part. I don’t often miss my old life, we have parents so I’d have childcare to a degree if I wanted to get away for a holiday or night out. I just don’t want to anymore.

I had mine late: 41 and 43.
My biggest regret is not starting earlier, as I would've liked two or three more once I'd started, but dh doesn't want to risk disrupting our happy family, and I have to reluctantly agree.

I was never maternal. I found young kids pretty boring tbh.
In my experience, it's totally different when it's your own. I love them more deeply than I've ever loved anyone. It can be bloody hard work but it's so worth it. Also, the baby and toddler years are short. Think about the adults they'll become and the nice times you could have.

Travel: we like it too and,yes, we've had to adjust our expectations in the short term. There's plenty of time for big trips again in the future.

It's such a personal decision, but I would say go for it!

Hmm, it’s a tough decision. I’m similar to you, mildly introverted and love traveling. We did have children and have traveled fairly extensively with them- so don’t get caught up in the myth that you can’t travel anywhere interesting with children. If you want to, you will.

I think the real question is, “do you want a family of your own”? I wasn’t hugely maternal when I had children but I knew I wanted to create and be part of a family. It’s not the same as being an auntie at all.

If you don’t want a family, don’t do it.

Alternative view, my friend felt exactly the same as you, she decided to just stop trying not to have a baby and see what happened. When she fell pregnant she was so worried but it's been the making of her. She said she never realised there was something missing from her life until she had her little girl. So if you did decide to have one, it's not all doom and gloom. I've never seen her happier and her little girl is 7 now. They go on the most amazing holidays together

@Cameleongirl

Hmm, it’s a tough decision. I’m similar to you, mildly introverted and love traveling. We did have children and have traveled fairly extensively with them- so don’t get caught up in the myth that you can’t travel anywhere interesting with children. If you want to, you will.

I think the real question is, “do you want a family of your own”? I wasn’t hugely maternal when I had children but I knew I wanted to create and be part of a family. It’s not the same as being an auntie at all.

If you don’t want a family, don’t do it.

Thank you. I've seen a few people say things like this re travelling. It's encouraging, but I guess how easy it is depends on the personalities and preferences of your children. And you can't rule out having a child with a disability/SEN that would make travelling very difficult or impossible.

Re a family, it's not something I've really thought about in those terms. I see my DH and me as a unit which is just as valid as a family unit including children. If he were to die at a young age, I would feel very alone of course - but that isn't a good reason to have children.

I didn't want a child. Ever. I Had my daughter late 30's (for all the wrong reasons). Awful pregnancy, horrible birth. Felt no maternal love at all

And then she emerged into the world and the feeling was, and is still , indescribable

I didn't know love like this existed.... it's absolutely extraordinary

I am so so glad that I am able to experience this love and I feel honoured, truly honoured, to be her mum

In your position, OP, knowing what I know now, I would get pregnant.

But I suppose what you don't know , you won't miss

@NameChangeforArmageddon21

Alternative view, my friend felt exactly the same as you, she decided to just stop trying not to have a baby and see what happened. When she fell pregnant she was so worried but it's been the making of her. She said she never realised there was something missing from her life until she had her little girl. So if you did decide to have one, it's not all doom and gloom. I've never seen her happier and her little girl is 7 now. They go on the most amazing holidays together

This is essentially what I'm worried about. What if it would be 'the making of me' or similar ideas which others have expressed? But it's quite a big risk to take!

@ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas

Surely nobody likes other people's children that much? I was never maternal until I saw my firstborn for the first time. I have had a child in my 40s but not sure I would choose to start then. You've obviously seen other "clock ticking" years go by without deciding the time was right, so I wonder why you are wavering at 40?

I actually like children but view them as individuals separately from their parents.

I don't like babies. So oddly I'm an older mother with just one who is a toddler.

OP if you don't like children then please don't have one.

It doesn't sound like it would be for you.

Others may have different experiences but mine is that children don't so much slot into your existing life as blow it to smithereens. You then rebuild it piece-by-piece into something new with fragments of your previous life mixed up in there.

So you try to take LO to lunch at your favourite restaurant, but end up spending half the meal pacing outside because they won't settle and you don't taste anything because you're so on edge. Or, determined not to give up your travel dreams, you book a weekend away in Europe only to find that your flight is delayed (and delays with a baby/ toddler are AWFUL), the hotel has run out of travel cots and the promised steriliser is broken. So you quietly shelve the long-distance trip to Asia you were planning until baby is older...

On the other hand, it turns out the local park, with its cafe with decent coffee and hot takeaway pizza, is surprising underrated. And you can be home again in 15 minutes if there's a potty-training disaster.

I never had the urge to have children, I am fast approaching 50 and nothing has changed, I can do what I want, when I want, lots of disposable income and basically a stress free life.

I'm nearly 40 and child-free - I recognise a lot of your OP. I wonder if we should try to have kids, but mostly because that's what everyone else does. I genuinely don't think I would make a good parent. I am not patient, I like my own space and time, and I don't function well without sleep. We also would have zero family support, as neither DH or I are geographically close to our families, which is another nail in the coffin for the idea.

Where I think I differ though is that I don't think something is missing. I don't feel that I need something to be "the making of me" - I'm already made at this stage and actually I'm mostly happy! What is it that you think is missing? You said you don't think you're that happy, but what is it that would help you to be?

You and DH are certainly a family unit, it’s a question of whether you want a bigger one! I’m an only child and having a larger family and being part of family life was always appealing to me. I don’t assume that my two will stay geographically close or look after me in the future, having the experience of raising them is enough. Even if they are somewhat frustrating teens atm. 😄

I’m harping on about this because one of my SIL’s decided not to have children and I think she assumed her siblings/her DH’s siblings would always be close, as an auntie/uncle they’d be included in the wider family, etc. It hasn’t happened that way and I think she regrets her decision now.

Not everyone feels this way, of course. This is just someone who did, I know other people who don’t regret being child free at all.

You sound a lot like me, OP. I decided if the urge to have children hadn’t appeared for me when I hit 40, then I wasn’t going to have any. I don’t find babies cute, toddlers irritate the hell out of me and I dislike noise and mess. For me, none of it appealed. If you don’t have a strong wish for children, I really think you’re better off not having any. Our world has enough people as it is.

My rambly point is that being part of a larger family IS important to my SIL so being child free hasn’t been the best fit for her.

We sound very similar OP. I think you would find motherhood hard. It is hard and I had a baby at 30.

The lack of space, the lack of quiet, the limitations on travel are all real and will affect you for at least 16 years.

Do you have a dog? You get to love something unconditionally but they are so much easier than kids, especially babies.