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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed I’m not important to my parenrs and siblings.

108 replies

Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 07:09

I know life isn’t about receiving gifts etc. I know people are struggling and couldn’t afford as much this year - us included - dc didn’t have as much as previous years but this isn’t really the issue here.

My siblings who all live at home (late teens and early twenties) had likely around £800 each (as an estimate I would say) spent on them this Christmas. They put all their gifts on Instagram.

I had about £15 if that from my parents. I do have two dc who they do but gifts for but I would say they only spent about £25 on them each. I bought a nice gift for my mum and dad.

I spent around £30 each on my siblings this year. I got nothing back from them. Admittedly I don’t expect the youngest to buy my anything as they are in college and doesn’t work! None of them bought anything for dc either.

Aibu to think I won’t bother with much at all next year?

I probably spent well over £100 between my siblings and parents this year. I know you shouldn’t expect anything back... but we’ve had a tough year financially. I’m not working, partner is and times have been hard.

If money was the issue I wouldn’t mind but my siblings had hundreds and hundreds of gifts. I know they are younger and live at home.

They buy all sorts of gifts for their neighbours, friends etc etc. I’m basically a neighbour or a friend to them 🤣

Aibu to think I’ll spend the money treating myself it the dc next year! This isn’t the first year either! Happened on previous years too.

Just because I’ve moved out and got my own dc means I don’t matter anymore?!

OP posts:
DemolitionBarbie · 27/12/2020 07:19

Is this about love or money? They're not the same thing.

maverickallthetime · 27/12/2020 07:23

@DemolitionBarbie I think the price difference would make me consider if my parents loved me as much! But I grew up in a family where we were all treated fairly and this was important!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/12/2020 07:24

Did they buy you lots when you lived at home/were younger?

are they full siblings or half/step?

Notthisnotthat · 27/12/2020 07:29

My Inlaw's are like this. They have 2 sons and a daughter. The 2 brothers and their families get £20 a person. Daughter and her family get hundreds of pounds spent on them, not only at Christmas but throughout the year. All families have roughly the same income. It is what it is unfortunately. The gifts we choose for them have already been criticised, my husband will never be good enough despite being the one who doesn't cause any bother, works hard etc. He is beginning to distance himself from them.

bobbiester · 27/12/2020 07:32

You say your siblings are late teens and early twenties. How old are you?

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2020 07:41

I think it's fine not to buy anything for your siblings next Christmas. If challenged, you could just say that you assumed your siblings didn't want to do gifts since they get nothing for you or your kids.

What are your parents/siblings like at birthday times? Do they buy things for you and your kids then?

Littleyell · 27/12/2020 07:50

Maybe you shouldn’t of bought them just your parents. If you knew the situation OP.

@bobbiester I thought the same.

mrscampbellblackagain · 27/12/2020 07:52

I think most parents stop spending quite so much on their children once they are past a certain age be it 18 or 21 or whatever.

Caterinaballerina · 27/12/2020 07:56

You could even go as far as to say you haven’t bought anything next year to save their embarrassment at not having bought for your DC when you buy for them. Play it that you expected they’d like to buy for DC as their aunts and uncles.

Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:04

I am late twenties! I understand that parents don’t spend as much as children get older . I don’t expect as much but my brother isn’t much younger than me.. I’m the only one with dc too but I feel it’s not extreme to the other.

They are half siblings but their dad brought me up from a very young age. I’ve never had my dad around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:07

I don’t really get anything on my birthday either! I don’t expect much but my brother is only a few years younger than me and gets loads. I know I have dc but they don’t get much spent on them either.

Plus they buy for all sorts of friends and neighbours and didn’t get my partner anything. He wouldn’t expect much but mil always buys me something. Not sure what’s normal. I went as far as buying my brothers gf a present (they split a few days before Christmas so wasn’t given in the end).

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 27/12/2020 08:07

I’d say something.... what have you got to lose?

Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:09

When I was younger I did get stuff bought for me but not nearly as much as they do now but it stopped as soon as I was 18 yet 2 are older than this and still get loads...

I sound really petty. I really don’t expect much at all. I’ve helped my family out loads with different things. Driving around after them, taking them places, lending them money. Not appreciated at all!

OP posts:
SmallChrismas · 27/12/2020 08:14

So you spent about £40 on your parents and they bought you and your DC presents, so that bit is ok. I know it’s hard but try not to think what they bought your siblings and stop buying your siblings presents or just buy them a £5 thing.

Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:17

I just don’t know what’s normal. It’s different with my in laws. Similar situation - Partner is oldest and only one with dc. Younger siblings are living at home. Mil treats them all the same, buys me something nice and her 2 grandchildren too. But she doesn’t spend £800 each on her younger siblings.

I would never expect the same as my younger siblings. It’s not that at all. It’s just I feel totally pushed out and the 2 gifts I was bought by my parents didn’t have any thought in them at all. Just looked like they bought me the first thing they picked up as in a ‘that will do’. I just feel £800 each on siblings and £15 on me is just weird. I just feel so left out! I don’t have a dad around, I’m the outsider in my mums family. It’s not just the gifts it’s a lot of things.

I can’t imagine treating my children so differently even when they are older and might have their own dc.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 08:25

There’s no way to do this without coming across and envious and grabby op. I’m sorry.

Their rationale is clear, once you leave home and become independent then they don’t feel they should spend so much at Xmas. So as the others leave home the same will occur.

As you’re knocking on thirty, with your own kids, and fully independent I think no good can come from basically putting your hand out and asking for more. They won’t want to cause you offence, and likely think you understand, and it’s difficult that you don’t. Also as you’re the independent adult buying gifts for your family is the norm. You don’t need to spend so much though.

It’s difficult because you resent it and are envious. You’re not going to come out of it looking good and it’s just going to make everyone uncomfortable but potentially you prefer that to you being the only unhappy one.

It’s your call, either try to accept the rationale and that the others will get less when they leave home, or ask for more now.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/12/2020 08:28

In future get nothing for your siblings.
Tell them no adult gifts. They clearly can't be arsed.
Did they buy each other gifts?

SmallChrismas · 27/12/2020 08:31

When I was younger my parents bought me say a £100 of stuff (or the equivalent as it was years ago). Now my DM may buy me the equivalent of a nice (£10 candle) , well I do all her Xmas shopping as she has Alzheimer’s and I buy her £100 of stuff.
I just thought that was what happened as you grow up.

Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:32

I’m generally not am envious type of person but I will admit to that I am with this.

To add, my brother left home for a few years and came back recently so not sure leaving home has got anything to do with it.

I moved out at 18. I think I’ve been quite understanding until now tbh. It’s when all they got is put all over social media. Whilst I had a pair of socks and a novelty gift type thing.

I don’t want much, not much at all. I just would like to feel I’m important to them because for the last few years I’ve been made to feel like an outsider when I’ve not caused them any harm. I’ve been fully independent since I was a teen myself.

I don’t want more. I just want to feel like I’m loved. Because it’s not just about gifts. I just feel left out all around.

It’s my birthday very soon. I’ll be lucky to get a card or a visit (obviously covid makes it hard but they don’t bother usually).

OP posts:
SmallChrismas · 27/12/2020 08:32

Did you siblings buy your DC gifts?

Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:33

@SmallChrismas absolutely. I don’t expect much but my siblings are growing up too and my brother only 3 years younger than me still gets nearly a grand spent on him! I get £15. That’s a massive difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:34

@SmallChrismas no they don’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 08:35

4 years younger even. He’s 24

OP posts:
Lookslikerainted · 27/12/2020 08:35

What did he get and what did you get!?

SmallChrismas · 27/12/2020 08:38

It is really odd . I don’t think I’d say anything but I would stop buying for the siblings, they don’t need more stuff bought for them.

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