To be disappointed I’m not important to my parenrs and siblings.

[Pixie2997]

I know life isn’t about receiving gifts etc. I know people are struggling and couldn’t afford as much this year - us included - dc didn’t have as much as previous years but this isn’t really the issue here.

My siblings who all live at home (late teens and early twenties) had likely around £800 each (as an estimate I would say) spent on them this Christmas. They put all their gifts on Instagram.

I had about £15 if that from my parents. I do have two dc who they do but gifts for but I would say they only spent about £25 on them each. I bought a nice gift for my mum and dad.

I spent around £30 each on my siblings this year. I got nothing back from them. Admittedly I don’t expect the youngest to buy my anything as they are in college and doesn’t work! None of them bought anything for dc either.

Aibu to think I won’t bother with much at all next year?

I probably spent well over £100 between my siblings and parents this year. I know you shouldn’t expect anything back... but we’ve had a tough year financially. I’m not working, partner is and times have been hard.

If money was the issue I wouldn’t mind but my siblings had hundreds and hundreds of gifts. I know they are younger and live at home.

They buy all sorts of gifts for their neighbours, friends etc etc. I’m basically a neighbour or a friend to them 🤣

Aibu to think I’ll spend the money treating myself it the dc next year! This isn’t the first year either! Happened on previous years too.

Just because I’ve moved out and got my own dc means I don’t matter anymore?!

Stop buying for your siblings.

Do your parents spend a lot on your grandchildren?

I could understand the difference if your siblings were under 18 but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Is your relationship with your parents ok generally?

Stop buying for adults who don't buy for you, if they mention it say you thought they didn't want to exchange gifts as they didn't get you anything. Or decide on a budget for adults like £15 and stick to it so even if you get nothing back it isn't costing you as much.

I don't think op is being grabby. It's the difference which is upsetting. I think the difference is so large as to be very obvious. It's not the money is the effort too. Why wouldn't that be hurtful?
Have the half siblings always been treated more favourably?
If not, it might just be that they see you as someone who is standing on their own two feet now, own home and income etc and as such you aren't a child in their eyes... In which case, once your siblings do the same it will hopefully go back to more equal gift giving.
It is still pretty crap of them. Whether you should be upset all comes down to the motive doesn't it. If the parents don't value you the same it's hurtful. If they have some opinion of adult children who move out, it's just tactless but not a measure of your worth to them.

Definitely go down the no adult presents route next year or suggest an adult secret santa with a spending limit. See how these suggestions go down. Can you not talk to your mum about how the different treatment of you makes you feel and see what her justification is?

Thanks all. Apologises if I’m sounding spoilt. I’m the least materialistic person you could meet. I just don’t feel appreciated all round. I love buying people gifts and don’t really expect much myself but this has been going on for a while.

The best way to explain. For Christmas I had about £15 spent on by parents. My children had around £25 each from parents and my partner £0 (he doesn’t expect anything) so say around £65 between us all total.

Siblings had around £800 each. Think phones, computers, gadgets plus clothes etc etc. They had a lot. So spent over 2 grand between all 3. Only one is marginally under 18. I wouldn’t expect that much. That much would make me feel uneasy. Just feel that she could think of me a little
More.

Having dc I wouldn’t expect as much of course. I never do. But the irony is my grandmother spends the same on my mother as she always did despite having kids herself but my mother hasn’t treated me the same! My uncles have children and my
Mum buys them nice stuff.

It’s just me. I’ll admit that we aren’t close but we haven’t got a stained relationship either. We just get by. Our personalities clash. She’s very outgoing, bubbly, loud, socialble, outspoken, likes the limelight on her yet I’m more of an introvert with social anxiety. I moved out at 18. Never caused them any bother etc, never been a wild child or anything.

I would suspect its their dad (your step dad) holding the purse strings and therefore the cause of you being treated differently.

I know a family with 2 DDs, different dads, one in her mid 30s, one mid 20s. The youngest got bought a house by her parents (not wealthy by any stretch of imagination but a cheap area of country), eldest one had to make her own way in the world.

Could you get your mum alone sometime and find out why they treat you so differently. I am guessing you weren’t fully independent when they stopped buying you presents at 18?

I would stop buying them anything, including the siblings, for birthday and Christmas.

This is really sad Op, I don't think you are grabby at all, I would be vey upset, and never treat my DCs this way, I think the fact that they bare half-siblings makes it worse, as I think in this situation parents should go out of their way to make sure there are no differences in treatment, and it is natural for you to be anxious about feeling like an equal in the family. The difference in expenditure is huge, they should be more careful of your feelings!

You don’t sound spoilt, it’s all very odd. I have three DC with the same family dynamics as you and your siblings. This year I spent the same on all three (£180). My eldest needed a new fridge so I bought him it early and then he got less in the day. Usually I spend more on the younger two , probably about 150% of what I spend on the older one. But they’ll get less as they get older.

We got over this by instigating a form of secret Santa. Everyone bought one gift for one member of the family. It worked a treat. We as parents bought a few more presents for our DC but made sure to be fair.

OP, I was going to say that I haven't got any further advice other than what's been posted other than to agree that what's happened to you and your lively family is awful. Then I started typing and I genuinely feel for you, I'm afraid if you say something at this moment you will come across as the 'bad guy' and, in my experience parents will never admit they are wrong but will actively change the dynamics of the point you are making to make you appear jealous or grabby. Lockdown has been excellent to make me reevaluate what and who's been important in my life and I've genuinely stopped running round after people who are oblivious to my feelings or any sense of fairness.

My MiL is similar to your mum, I do think she loves her son it's just that she's overwhelmed with her perceived responsibility towards the other sibling and hasn't the headspace to share her emotional generosity with her son or his family. I'm sure your mum is proud of you and loves you in her own way, it's just different to how she expresses her love to your siblings. Perhaps that could be the start of your conversation.... I know you love me etc but your actions make me feel that you don't value me as much as my siblings???
Also.... suggest you unfriended them on social media as you were happy with your presents but feel that posting exactly what the others were given could be seen as sending out a not very nice message to you. Either way it says more about them than you x

Yeah I get this, I sent mum and brother presents, mum sent brother presents and bought a lot of stuff for her boyfriend. Neither of them bothered with anything for me but the worst, I think, is that neither said thank you - that's just rude, it doesn't cost anything to say thanks for the present.

It feels like you don't matter and it's just quite hurtful. I think you should say something but I can see how you would be a bit reluctant to do so in case you came across as grabby.

I think tell your biological parent (your mum?) that you’re hurt. She’ll rant and rave and call you ungrateful but fuck it. She’s in the wrong.

YANBU. It's the reminder of the disparity between you and your half siblings. And that your mum does nothing to even things out. Stop buying for your adult siblings.

I would suspect its their dad (your step dad) holding the purse strings and therefore the cause of you being treated differently.
I agree with this. It seems as if you think of them as your siblings, but they think of you as their half-sibling and their father thinks of you as his step-child. That's the glaring difference, to me. I'm sorry you had this happen to you, but I would agree with learning from it for next year and treating them the same way as they have treated you this year. I don't think it's grabbiness on your part, I think it's disappointment at being an "unnconsidered" person in their lives, if you see what I mean?

I’m sorry you are treated this way op, it’s pretty cruel I wasted so much of my life trying to please my parents and siblings and quite a chunk of my childrens. I think you need to distance yourself emotionally and accept this is how they are. In future spend on them if you have the time money and inclination or don’t bother, as they don’t bother with you or yours. ie reciprocate

@Pixie2997

I am late twenties! I understand that parents don’t spend as much as children get older . I don’t expect as much but my brother isn’t much younger than me.. I’m the only one with dc too but I feel it’s not extreme to the other.

They are half siblings but their dad brought me up from a very young age. I’ve never had my dad around.

There is your answer then and your Mum is going along with it .

It's understandable that you are hurt. Don't buy your half siblings anything again.

I don’t think you’re being grabby at all OP I think you’ve made an observation re-how you’re treated differently to your siblings and that’s caused you upset. I think anyone in the same situation would see the stark differences. If I were you I would pull back now. Don’t offer them lifts anywhere. Certainly don’t buy your siblings any gifts from here on out. They are adults who could have bought you a gift (the 24yr old especially) but they didn’t. Don’t go buying for any of their girlfriends either. Your DH gets nothing off them or your parents. You should treat them how they treat you now OP.

I just feel so left out! I don’t have a dad around, I’m the outsider in my mums family. It’s not just the gifts it’s a lot of things.

I’ve helped my family out loads with different things. Driving around after them, taking them places, lending them money. Not appreciated at all!

I feel incredibly sad on your behalf OP. That's an awful way to feel. It must impact on your confidence, self esteem and wellbeing.

Im going suggest that you stop doing the extra things for your siblings. No more lifts, lending money etc. That stops right now. Learn to say no. Also, if you can afford it, get some therapy (online, if necessary) - you can use the money you save from giving them presents. The therapy will help you to understand the dynamics, to come to terms with your feelings and manage your relationships with your family. You may even be able to have a discussion about it with your mum.

Are you sure all of his gifts are from your parents? How are you coming up with the figures they cost? Surely they could be second hand or on sale.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

Thanks all. My stepdad is actually a lovely generous guy but my mum wears the trousers, he’s a pushover with money so I’m not sure what it is tbh. He’s raised and did a good job tbh. So I couldn’t actually say it’s that! It’s baffling.

She always said she wouldn’t buy my children much as they have two families to buy for them (in laws) fair enough but I never had two families growing up! All a bit weird!

I’ll get over it. I feel like this for a few days after Christmas most years! Last year I bought myself a massive box of chocs to cheer me up! May do the same today 🤣

Raised me *

It sounds like everyone is used to you being grown up and independent and fending for yourself and being ‘one of the grown ups’. I feel sad for you that you feel you are treated differently. On a practical level, in our family we only buy presents for those we are seeing on Christmas Day, so siblings dint even buy for nieces and nephews if we aren’t seeing each other on Christmas Day. It just gets complicated, expensive and too much stuff otherwise. Sounds like you might want to agree that with your siblings in advance, especially if they aren’t getting you presents anyway! It’s also worth thinking about the family dynamic that led to this situation (as per my first line above) and how that makes you feel

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters because it’s posted all over social media. She said that one of my
Siblings gifts cost £500 alone too and she had lots of extras.

At that age if wanted something costing £500 I would have to work for it 🤨

Why not ask your mother her rationale for the difference in gift giving in a non confrontational way.