To be disappointed I’m not important to my parenrs and siblings.

[Pixie2997]

I know life isn’t about receiving gifts etc. I know people are struggling and couldn’t afford as much this year - us included - dc didn’t have as much as previous years but this isn’t really the issue here.

My siblings who all live at home (late teens and early twenties) had likely around £800 each (as an estimate I would say) spent on them this Christmas. They put all their gifts on Instagram.

I had about £15 if that from my parents. I do have two dc who they do but gifts for but I would say they only spent about £25 on them each. I bought a nice gift for my mum and dad.

I spent around £30 each on my siblings this year. I got nothing back from them. Admittedly I don’t expect the youngest to buy my anything as they are in college and doesn’t work! None of them bought anything for dc either.

Aibu to think I won’t bother with much at all next year?

I probably spent well over £100 between my siblings and parents this year. I know you shouldn’t expect anything back... but we’ve had a tough year financially. I’m not working, partner is and times have been hard.

If money was the issue I wouldn’t mind but my siblings had hundreds and hundreds of gifts. I know they are younger and live at home.

They buy all sorts of gifts for their neighbours, friends etc etc. I’m basically a neighbour or a friend to them 🤣

Aibu to think I’ll spend the money treating myself it the dc next year! This isn’t the first year either! Happened on previous years too.

Just because I’ve moved out and got my own dc means I don’t matter anymore?!

OP haven't read all the thread but I think you should say for your own peace of mind to you mother that you saw from social media the siblings got £500+ for their presents and you only got socks. I think you need to be vocal about it for your own mental health as these things can torment you in 30 - 40years time and you will never know ''why?'' if you don't ask. What do you have to lose - not Xmas presents anyway.

Op, I’d like to share my experience as it’s relevant here I think. I had a tearful conversation with my family about this yesterday. Not amount of money, but something else to do with Christmas presents and long running different treatment.

Like you I am the eldest, had kids first, always help my parents out. Others are more dependent, and it’s been going on for years. Try to have the conversation now if you can, otherwise resentment builds.

My mum acknowledged the issue, and we realised it was because she sees me as so independent and the other siblings as dependent. She apologised and we are going to try to improve things this coming year.

My advice would be to write it down first, and phrase it as “when you do this I feel x”. It’s not about the money, it’s about equal treatment. Hope it goes well.

Stop buying for your siblings and, when they have kids, don't buy or them either.

Accept that your parents will spend different amounts on different children and try not to stress about it.

I don't think you sound spoilt or materialistic, OP. You feel that your 'value' is less to your parents and given the huge difference in what they spend on various friends and family members, that's completely understandable.

Unfortunately, sometimes families have unpleasant undercurrents where some people are viewed as less important than others. No-one here will be able to tell you whether this is the case with your family as we don't know you but I definitely think you should think about counselling in the New Year.

It sounds as if you have a lot of hurt to work through. Good luck!

@TonMoulin

She always said she wouldn’t buy my children much as they have two families to buy for them (in laws) fair enough but I never had two families growing up! All a bit weird!

That doesn’t make sense.
You don’t buy according to how much others are buying. It’s a Copt out and I think you know that.

Rather than your step dad, I would say there is a clash of personality. I’m also wondering if you haven’t been the constant reminder of her previous relationship. Which clearly hasn’t been good if you’ve never seen your dad.

I think you should ask your mum. Make it clear to her that your kids have 2 sets of grandparents and if she doesn’t make more of an effort they may naturally gravitate to the side that does. I’m usually against using grandkids like this but your parents are deliberately treating you differently as you’re a stepsibling and they need it hammered home

I don’t think it sounds fair at all and I don’t think you’re BU in the slightest. But equally I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it.

You need to ask them both why, for your own mental health you really need to know why they treat you differently.

You sound like a lovely person.

But the answer could be worse for her mental health than the question. She’s only likely to get a defensive response.

I think this is standard and the same will happen when your siblings move out and have children. I don't think it's personal but is about their sense of things changing with their children growing up.

Do you remind your mother too much of her ExH?

It sounds like your step dad has always tried to treat you equally, but this different treatment is being driven by your Mum

If you can post on social media where all the siblings' presents are showing - put a photo of your mother's gift of socks with -
''here is my present from dear family - socks - that's all!''

I'm in the same situation, OP. It hurts and I'm sorry you're experiencing it too. For me though, it started before I moved out at 19 - the christmas before that my sister got a new laptop and phone, amongst other things, and I got a "your presents are on the way after next payday". (They never did materialise, they never do). In more recent years, when I do get something its a toilettery set, which they happily present to me and I ooh and ahh in obligation. There is no air of embarrassment about the contrast to the thoughtful gifts I buy them (some years and special birthdays I have spent quite a lot and I always put a lot of effort into selecting them), or to what my sister shows me she has been gifted. It isnt about the money, its the lack of effort and stark difference in treatment, and for me this is mirrored in the relationship overall. I have cut the budget down to £20 each this year, though I still did put effort in (much to my DHs dismay and I can tell his respect for me wanes every time) and I am working on withdrawing while remaining civil as much as possible. Maybe this isn't relevant to you as you've said they raised you well and I have been treated awfully aside from the present issue, but it does seem symptomatic of wider issues that you should probably pull them up on and ask. I wish I was strong enough to say something and call them out on all their shit. I wish I was strong enough to cut them out altogether, I think. Oh dear, this response has gotten long and hasn't said anything helpful, wow, I think I might need to look into some councelling...
Sorry, OP, we've both built our own families now and I think this is where our energies are best directed.

Dh had a realisation last year that he was being very generous and never ever getting anything back. Something I'd noticed of his family years ago.
I think the year his youngest sister said they hadn't got the money for any presents this year and then her and her DH brought Bose noise cancelling headphones and an expensive watch for each other- that was my turning point. They could have just got a selection box for the nieces and nephews- dh always got everyone something.
It was also always very obvious that we were only allowed in the house after the younger siblings and their kids had opened their first lot of presents and it had been hidden away so MIL could keep up the pretence of treating everyone fairly.

We only buy for kids now.

@TonMoulin

Btw re the siblings not giving anything. My two dcs give each other something. They don’t work. They have pocket money. It’s a small thing but they will have thought about it.

Your siblings could have done the same.

I agree. I started buying for my youngest sibling (10+ year gap) at 15 and for my close in age sibling and adults from 18. My DS 14 bought for his young cousin out of his pocket money this year while questioning why my sibling sent him money when they are now a single parent with a young child.

@Kimblebee19 thanks for your reply. Sounds tough. Generally I had a good upbringing but things have been more strained in recent years. I’m nor really sure what triggered it. I’ve never caused them any bother or hassle. The only thing I can think of is that I will admit to liking my own company whereas they are very sociable. No, not about the money as you say but it’s the effort. I thought awkward when people spend money on me - probably because I’m not used to it.

For instance, I share a birthday with my sibling. She’s younger so I understand birthdays are bigger for those who are younger! But mines always been overshadowed. Like we went out for food one year and it was for my sister but it was ideal that it was mine too as they didn’t have to do anything separate. Once my sister had a birthday party, I refused to spend my birthday in a room full of teenagers and opted to spend it with my own partner and dc instead but they were offended I didn’t go to the party! Like I would want to spend my 20 something birthday at a teenagers birthday party 🤣 (I wasn’t offended but just didn’t want to go and was happy with Chinese and a film night at home).

I feel I do need counselling. This is just a small
part of a variety of problems. I could talk all day how I’m always on the outer edge of their circle!

I would say something. That's a really horrible way to treat you. It would make sense if your parents were spending more on your children, but they aren't.
Really poor behaviour that your DC don't get anything from their aunts and uncles either. I'm not sure why you are buying your siblings gifts if it isn't reciprocated. Tell them you won't be bothering anymore, and why. Stick your for yourself OP, even if it doesn't change anything it will make you feel better.

OP, you sound so lovely.

YANBU.

Very poor behaviour from your mother.

I'm so sorry.
It must really hurt.

Some counselling might help you accept things.

But you are NOT wrong.

Very understandable to be upset at this treatment, which sounds as if its gone on for years.

Shame on your mother.

@TatianaBis perhaps, but better to know than to wonder for the next 40 years or so. It would probably be easier to move on.

Your mum sounds like a queen bee. You being of different character don't flock around her and help maintain her position in the family. Instead of appreciating you as are, for who you are, you are measured in terms of your effect on her ego. I bet you a pound to a penny she has zero self awareness she is showing this in all obviousness and would deny it.
That's how the situation reads to me based on the little shared here.

You don't sound grabby at all its a huge difference and not even made up on your childrens gifts plus what has the fact that your children have two sets of families buying for them got to do with it
You could say something but they probably won't change and you could look bad guy
Next year I wouldn't buy for siblings or for birthdays of not reciprocated and just say as they don't buy you assume they would rather not do adult presents and spend what you save on your own dc or save for nice day out etc
Never understand parents who are so unfair my dh mum was like this not just with presents but also with time spent with gc , needless to say we have a low contact relationship
With her and my kids thought more of my bf mum that they did of dh mum, luckily they have good relationships with my parents and sounds like yours do with your inlaws

Sorry OP you aren’t being unreasonable. That’s not fair of your mum. I would do what others have suggested and just get your mum and partner some chocolates and wine and stop buying for your siblings.

@Pixie2997

Thanks all. My stepdad is actually a lovely generous guy but my mum wears the trousers, he’s a pushover with money so I’m not sure what it is tbh. He’s raised and did a good job tbh. So I couldn’t actually say it’s that! It’s baffling.

She always said she wouldn’t buy my children much as they have two families to buy for them (in laws) fair enough but I never had two families growing up! All a bit weird!

I’ll get over it. I feel like this for a few days after Christmas most years! Last year I bought myself a massive box of chocs to cheer me up! May do the same today 🤣

I think it’s completely reasonable that you are hurt and disappointed, I would be too

Re the above, do you think your mum might resent that you have your DCs father supporting you while she was on her own with you? It’s a strange thing to say and I wondered if that was what she is getting at

Meanwhile, what would you like & suggest that? How about all the Sibs chipping in for 1 decent gift each for your kids, & you given only small token gifts to your siblings?

In our family we all exchanged gifts: lot of inequality and waste so we switched to a secret Santa for the siblings and that works for us: BILs we include with the siblings

Not even a selection pack from your Sibs to my kids would annoy me I have to say

[quote Mydogissnooring]@TatianaBis perhaps, but better to know than to wonder for the next 40 years or so. It would probably be easier to move on.[/quote]
I agree

I think id say something, but be prepared you might not like the answer. I couldn't cope with dwelling over it, I'd need them to know they've hurt me then I could move on. So sorry op

Horribly unfair. My children are various ages and in different financial situations. I spend exactly the same on them. And always will

Would you say you are closer to your step dad than your mother? Could you have a chat with him? The source of the disparity does seem to be her, perhaps he could shed light. Do you look like your biological father?