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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed I’m not important to my parenrs and siblings.

108 replies

Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 07:09

I know life isn’t about receiving gifts etc. I know people are struggling and couldn’t afford as much this year - us included - dc didn’t have as much as previous years but this isn’t really the issue here.

My siblings who all live at home (late teens and early twenties) had likely around £800 each (as an estimate I would say) spent on them this Christmas. They put all their gifts on Instagram.

I had about £15 if that from my parents. I do have two dc who they do but gifts for but I would say they only spent about £25 on them each. I bought a nice gift for my mum and dad.

I spent around £30 each on my siblings this year. I got nothing back from them. Admittedly I don’t expect the youngest to buy my anything as they are in college and doesn’t work! None of them bought anything for dc either.

Aibu to think I won’t bother with much at all next year?

I probably spent well over £100 between my siblings and parents this year. I know you shouldn’t expect anything back... but we’ve had a tough year financially. I’m not working, partner is and times have been hard.

If money was the issue I wouldn’t mind but my siblings had hundreds and hundreds of gifts. I know they are younger and live at home.

They buy all sorts of gifts for their neighbours, friends etc etc. I’m basically a neighbour or a friend to them 🤣

Aibu to think I’ll spend the money treating myself it the dc next year! This isn’t the first year either! Happened on previous years too.

Just because I’ve moved out and got my own dc means I don’t matter anymore?!

OP posts:
OfTheNight · 27/12/2020 09:31

Do your parents ever help with bills? Or give you money towards your house deposit/car?

My mum and dad did these things as we got older so the presents diminished understandably.

CuteBear · 27/12/2020 09:43

I don’t think you sound grabby at all, OP. The difference between £800 and £20 is dramatic. You’re only 4 years older than your next sibling. Maybe you should ask your mum. Say you’re not bothered about expensive presents, but the dramatic price difference does make you wonder whether your mum prefers her younger children than you. Especially as the age difference isn’t much. My siblings and I have always had a similar amount spent on us.

CuteBear · 27/12/2020 09:45

I would also stop buying presents for your siblings’ birthdays and Christmas. They already get nearly £1k spent on them, plus presents and money (I imagine) from other family members.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/12/2020 09:45

She doesn’t buy for your kids... what a misery.

Pipster1234 · 27/12/2020 09:46

I have two kids, aged 26 and 22. The 26 year old has a job, his own flat, a lovely girlfriend. The 22 year old is curently completely floored by depression, no job, no girl, lives with us. He got a lot more pressies as a. he still lives at home. b. he needs stuff more than my oldest who has a decent income so pressies were more "thought that counts" - one main one. It has nothing whatsover to do with loving one more than the other. Sophie's choice? I'd send them both, so they can comfort each other.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 09:47

Why not ask your mother her rationale for the difference in gift giving in a non confrontational way?

Exactly this.

Find a quiet time, and just ask. Preferably with your stepfather there as he may be the voice of reason. Just calmly ask, as you are curious, and sit back and listen to what she says.

I am sorry but your mother sounds like a cow. I am not surprised that you are not close.

Chimeraforce · 27/12/2020 09:52

Op it doesn't sound fair but family dynamics rarely are fair.
Don't buy next year. Let them know in October and keep the money for your kids.
I did this October 2019 and I'm glad I did! Tier 4 present buying would've been a pain tbh.

AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 27/12/2020 09:54

They are free to treat you differently. You are free to stop running arund after them. And when asked why the withdrawal of your services, you can say simply that you were feeling it wasn't appreciated so have decided to focus your energies elsewhere.

I think if the only difference was the gifts and all else was well, you would be seeing the gifts differently. The problem wih challenging this is that you easily manoeuvre yourself into the position as Bluntness describes abve, of coming across as materialistic and grabby, and the people who behave like this know it (consciously or subconsciously), so do it in the fair confidence of not getting 'called out' on it.

Haggertyjane · 27/12/2020 09:54

You have a right to be treated fairly.

Make a list of what you were given by whom (include kids presents) and next year treat them the same. Its called equality

Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 09:59

@OfTheNight no, I’ve had to work and spend for everything I have! Never helped with a thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 09:59

Save not spend *

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie2997 · 27/12/2020 10:00

@AlwaysCheddar she buys a few cheapy novelty things for them so a few bits and bobs but nothing extreme!

OP posts:
kowari · 27/12/2020 10:04

Just realised that the £15 from your parents was one present from both of them. I'd buy them a bottle of wine and some chocolates between them next year and not bother with your siblings.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/12/2020 10:15

OP, it is time for a line in the sand. I say next year buy nothing for the siblings and then grandparents get a homemade gift from your children. The money you would have spent on them all spend on yourself. Buy yourself something lovely that you wouldn’t normally treat yourself to. You won’t feel any resentment then. I would just give them all the warning in October that there won’t be adult presents this year.

HighHeelBoots · 27/12/2020 10:21

I don't think you sound spoilt, its very hurtful
I would say something to your mother. Say it about hurt feelings rather than money
And definitely drop the presents for siblings

dottiedodah · 27/12/2020 10:24

I dont think you come across as envious or grabby at all! Any person would feel the same way! £800 each for a present is insane anyway! I would not be happy either !

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2020 10:25

@Wishihadanalgorithm

OP, it is time for a line in the sand. I say next year buy nothing for the siblings and then grandparents get a homemade gift from your children. The money you would have spent on them all spend on yourself. Buy yourself something lovely that you wouldn’t normally treat yourself to. You won’t feel any resentment then. I would just give them all the warning in October that there won’t be adult presents this year.
I would do this. Idk if I would give anyone a heads up. Your siblings have never told you you’d get nothing, have they? Flowers
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 10:32

@HighHeelBoots

I don't think you sound spoilt, its very hurtful I would say something to your mother. Say it about hurt feelings rather than money And definitely drop the presents for siblings
But it is about money in this scenario , no matter how you dress it up, it boils down to they get more spent on them than her snd she wants the same.

I think this is ultimately because the op is the step sibling. The feelings of being different have been since child hood. Now it’s increased because they all live together and she is the only one who lives independently with her own kids. And is treated differently. Not because she’s a step sibling, but because she’s an independent older adult and doesn’t live with them. I doubt these feelings will ever go away though.

TonMoulin · 27/12/2020 10:33

She always said she wouldn’t buy my children much as they have two families to buy for them (in laws) fair enough but I never had two families growing up! All a bit weird!

That doesn’t make sense.
You don’t buy according to how much others are buying. It’s a Copt out and I think you know that.

Rather than your step dad, I would say there is a clash of personality. I’m also wondering if you haven’t been the constant reminder of her previous relationship. Which clearly hasn’t been good if you’ve never seen your dad.

highheeledhattie · 27/12/2020 10:34

You sound a lovely, lovely person, Pixie. It will be liberating when you to take the decision to cut back totally on gift giving. What compels people to brag on social media about what they received ? Actually, you could put up a photo of what you received and see if they even notice the imbalance. All the best.

2020isalmosthindsight · 27/12/2020 10:35

I'm sorry, OP. You are clearly not a favoured child in your family as your step dad is not 'yours'. That makes him a shit human being in your situation. I'm so sorry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2020 10:36

"This isn’t the first year either! Happened on previous years too."
You do not sound spoiled. You do not sound grabby. You sound like an adult trying to convince child-you that the obvious difference in how your mother treats you against how she treats your half-siblings does not mean she loves you less Sad.

Well, your mother is not a nice person. Not in the least. Her favouritism is so stark it can probably be seen from the moon. That she raised such a lovely daughter as yourself I suppose means she can't be all bad. But she's damned close, in my opinion.

TonMoulin · 27/12/2020 10:36

Btw re the siblings not giving anything.
My two dcs give each other something. They don’t work. They have pocket money. It’s a small thing but they will have thought about it.

Your siblings could have done the same.

Dohrehmee · 27/12/2020 10:42

i Agree to what the others have Said in a non confrontational manner ask why there’s such a difference between you And your siblings being treated. And say it might be best if there were non presents from
Any of them and vice Versa. Also when your siblings have kids , will those be treated with expensuve gifts compared to yours. If that is the case also mention that you don’t want your kids to be left feeling they are worth less that your siblings kids. That’s something that could really impact on them as they’ll always think their nan doesn’t give as nice things as their cousins. I don’t blame you for being hurt. And if you dint wanna speak the tour parents just get a box of chocolates and wine. And fir the siblings don’t bother

ChristingleAlltheWay · 27/12/2020 10:44

How would your younger siblibgs react if they weren't given such a wreath of presents? Tantrums and the like?

In wondering if your introvertedness is pay off the problem. It is mine. I generally accept what I'm given without fuss whilst my sister will throw a tantrum at the slightest injustice. So she gets, I don't. I'm not just talking about material things, and I know it's not just because she's an extrovert, but that she's mean she feels able to express herself.

I've been treated so differently in relation to get for twenty years and is had a huge effect on me.