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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

111 replies

handelswe · 26/12/2020 21:52

I've NCed for obvious reasons

Background- I was with my boyfriend for a few months and I got pregnant. I had DD at 17. When I was pregnant he stole his dads car and was drink driving and he crashed and his best friend died. DDs dad was sentenced to 4 years. I visited him with Dd when she was a few months old but he said he didn't want me to bring DD as a prison wasn't a place for a baby. I did write to him and he always asked about dd. He was realised on license a few weeks ago. DD is now almost 3. I've been texting him and yesterday his dad asked if I'd take DD to his so she can see her dad and him. DD didn't really go near her dad as she was shy.

One of my friends said I shouldn't have as he's dangerous and a murderer. I told her that it was a mistake what he did and I believe he should still be able to see his DD grow up and DD should be able to see her dad

AIBU? Any other advice will be appreciated

OP posts:

MiddleClassMother · 26/12/2020 21:54

I'd ignore your friend. What he did was stupid and reckless but he's not dangerous. I'm sure someone will be along with better advice shortly.

Fudgsicles · 26/12/2020 21:55

He made a terrible terrible mistake that he will have to live with forever. This does not mean he shouldn't have a relationship wih his daughter and your friend should mind her business.

SteeperThanHell · 26/12/2020 21:57

He stole a car, drove it whilst drunk, crashed it and killed his friend and you think all that was a mistake?

I would be doing everything in my power to keep my daughter away from him.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 21:58

OP I say this genuinely kindly as I can't imagine but I'm reading between lines.

Do you still have feelings for this man and want to be a family?

LIZS · 26/12/2020 22:00

If he is on license does he have a Parole officer or similar. You are still young, were ss involved and if so ask their advice. It might be better to meet outside (esp given covid rules) such as in a park familiar to your dd and not allow unsupervised access, at least until you have formal access agreed.

Lemmeout · 26/12/2020 22:02

It’s not mistakes that define a person, it is how they deal with it. I wouldn’t be leaving them for the weekend together just yet. But i would probably invest time for them to get to know each other.
He needs to be getting his life on track pronto for that to continue.

nowishtofly · 26/12/2020 22:04

He made a stupid mistake when young. You should try to assess who he is now and whether he will be a good influence in your child's life. If he is still reckless walk away now.

Swingometer · 26/12/2020 22:04

I think it is the right thing to give your DD the opportunity to build a relationship with her Dad

He did something very stupid when he was presumably quite young (assuming he is a similar age to you) but everyone deserves a second chance

I would take things very carefully and supervise all access until you can be confident that he is trustworthy. Do you have a health visitor or social worker who could give you advice on how best to manage things?

Imapotato · 26/12/2020 22:11

He made an awful mistake which he will have to live with for the rest of his life and I’m sure he deeply regrets.

It doesn’t make him a murder though and you are right to encourage Your dd to have a relationship with him.

Original poster

handelswe · 26/12/2020 22:17

Yes I do have feelings for him but even if I didn't I'd still think he should be able to see his DD grow up. I know he feels extremely guilty and he misses his friend alot. I know it was a huge mistake as he wouldn't have done it on purpose he said he just thought it would've been funny

OP posts:

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:20

@handelswe

I wasn't getting at you OP

but I think this is far more about your feelings on it than what a friend did or didn't say.

LIZS · 26/12/2020 22:21

But it wasn't funny, was it? It was a calculated act to steal the car and had tragic consequences. You need to safeguard dd first and foremost.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:21

@SteeperThanHell

He stole a car, drove it whilst drunk, crashed it and killed his friend and you think all that was a mistake?

I would be doing everything in my power to keep my daughter away from him.

It was a mistake unless you believe he thought to kill his friend on purpose.

Biscuitsdisappear · 26/12/2020 22:28

If he is so invested in your child, how come he didn't just phone you and arrange to visit you and your dd at your place? Why doesn't he show a bit of commitment and go to you?

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/12/2020 22:31

I think you need to take some time to judge what type of person he is now and then take things slowly with DD.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:32

@Biscuitsdisappear

If he is so invested in your child, how come he didn't just phone you and arrange to visit you and your dd at your place? Why doesn't he show a bit of commitment and go to you?

Did you read the post?

SteeperThanHell · 26/12/2020 22:32

@Wheresmykimchi Anybody who steals a car and gets in to it whilst drunk does so in the knowledge that it may not end well. The OP has said herself that he just thought it would be funny. Would you think it was just a mistake if it had been a member of your family that had been killed by him?

This is not the sort of person that I would want in my child’s life - unless it was court-ordered. I certainly would be activity chasing any sort of relationship with him.

I wonder how his friends family are coping and if they think a 4 year sentence (out in less than 3) was sufficient?

june2007 · 26/12/2020 22:36

Yes he was driving, but I expect his friend knew he was drinking. Two lads thinking they were invicible, unfortunately perhaps due to drink, perhaps due to speed, carlessness what ever the car crahses and one dies. It could easily have been the driver. This is a terrible thing to have to live with. Does that mean is a bad person. No I don,t think so. I would do supervised visits and build up from there.

ShinyGreenElephant · 26/12/2020 22:37

I dont think you've done the wrong thing, just take things slow, be very cautious and assess how hes matured and changed. No unsupervised access any time soon but I dont think one mistake (even such an awful one) means that he's automatically q horrible, evil person. Your DD deserves a decent dad so just do what you can to work out if he's capable of being that for her - hopefully he is. But remember- he doesnt have some god given right to see her. Its your DD who has a right to a relationship with her father so its all about her not him, his feelings or how he wants this to go.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:38

[quote SteeperThanHell]@Wheresmykimchi Anybody who steals a car and gets in to it whilst drunk does so in the knowledge that it may not end well. The OP has said herself that he just thought it would be funny. Would you think it was just a mistake if it had been a member of your family that had been killed by him?

This is not the sort of person that I would want in my child’s life - unless it was court-ordered. I certainly would be activity chasing any sort of relationship with him.

I wonder how his friends family are coping and if they think a 4 year sentence (out in less than 3) was sufficient?[/quote]
You're being unreasonable here. You have no right to talk about people you don't know in this way. That is a step too far .

SteeperThanHell · 26/12/2020 22:44

@Wheresmykimchi I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:45

[quote SteeperThanHell]@Wheresmykimchi I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours.[/quote]
I have an opinion on OPs post that she asked
Not speculating about a family who lost their child.f

LagunaBubbles · 26/12/2020 22:53

You have no right to talk about people you don't know in this way. That is a step too far

Everyone here has every right to say what they they of a drunk driver.

SteeperThanHell · 26/12/2020 22:55

It’s very relevant as sentencing for these sorts of crimes (crimes not mistakes) are an absolute disgrace and leave families of the bereaved absolutely distraught.

In my town the number of deaths / serious injury by dangerous driving have increased massively over the last few years with certain roads being used as race tracks around the town by young men usually under the influence of drink and / or drugs. The sentencing is shocking and many go on to re-offend.

It has taken a recent high-profile (well high-profile for our town) death for any sort of police activity to be seen on the streets.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 22:56

@LagunaBubbles

You have no right to talk about people you don't know in this way. That is a step too far

Everyone here has every right to say what they they of a drunk driver.

I agree.

What they don't have is the right to speculate about the potential thoughts of an innocent family.

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