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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

111 replies

handelswe · 26/12/2020 21:52

I've NCed for obvious reasons

Background- I was with my boyfriend for a few months and I got pregnant. I had DD at 17. When I was pregnant he stole his dads car and was drink driving and he crashed and his best friend died. DDs dad was sentenced to 4 years. I visited him with Dd when she was a few months old but he said he didn't want me to bring DD as a prison wasn't a place for a baby. I did write to him and he always asked about dd. He was realised on license a few weeks ago. DD is now almost 3. I've been texting him and yesterday his dad asked if I'd take DD to his so she can see her dad and him. DD didn't really go near her dad as she was shy.

One of my friends said I shouldn't have as he's dangerous and a murderer. I told her that it was a mistake what he did and I believe he should still be able to see his DD grow up and DD should be able to see her dad

AIBU? Any other advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Jackabobbo · 27/12/2020 17:49

You're still quite young and I'm wondering how well you actually know him as he's been in prison for the last few years.

I don't think attempting to build a relationship with him and his daughter is a bad thing, as long as you are very slow and cautious about it. He's her dad, and he might have grown up a lot during the last few years, but you don't know. And the most important thing is that your dd has stability.

You need to try and forget about him as a potential romantic partner for now at least, imo, and focus solely on what's best for your dd. Which I think is what you're trying to do. I disagree with your friend because I know people change, especially from when they were teenagers, and I'm sure he deeply regrets what happened back then, but you really don't know how he will be as a father. You don't know how reliable he will be or how safe, so that's why it's best to not let him have unsupervised contact for now, and take things very slowly and let him earn yours and your dd's trust. He has to prove himself.

Original poster
handelswe · 27/12/2020 17:56

@Indecisive12 he stayed with his friend and he pleaded guilty. He's 19.

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 27/12/2020 18:10

That to me shows his true morals. Many just do a runner thinking of themselves. He’s young. I say take it slow, he needs to prioritise his probation and slowly get to know his daughter. Anything else can wait. Let him prove himself but I don’t think from what you’ve said he’s a bad person, he was young and stupid and made a mistake as did his friend who got in the car.

Wheresmykimchi · 27/12/2020 18:12

[quote handelswe]@Indecisive12 he stayed with his friend and he pleaded guilty. He's 19.[/quote]
Gosh he was so young. What a sad situation.

stuffedforchristmas · 27/12/2020 20:03

Before you do anything in relation to him, I would contact SS and make it clear that your priority is your DD.

I don't know if there's any possibility of this, but I'm sure you don't want to put yourself in a position where your standing as a parent is weakened because of an association with your ex. If you have a social worker, perhaps you could ask their advice and make it clear that you would not consider getting back with him or giving him access to your DD if they are unhappy about it.

stuffedforchristmas · 27/12/2020 20:05

I can't imagine there being a real problem as his crime didn't involve a child and he has presumably shown evidence of having reformed, but put something in writing for there to be clear evidence that you are capable of putting your DD's needs first.

And make sure you wait to see that he really is in a place where he can make sensible decisions - let him get his life up and running before you offer anything.

stuffedforchristmas · 27/12/2020 20:06

he stayed with his friend and he pleaded guilty. He's 19.

What a sad situation. I really hope he - and you - find a new chapter.

Wheresmykimchi · 27/12/2020 20:13

@stuffedforchristmas

Before you do anything in relation to him, I would contact SS and make it clear that your priority is your DD.

I don't know if there's any possibility of this, but I'm sure you don't want to put yourself in a position where your standing as a parent is weakened because of an association with your ex. If you have a social worker, perhaps you could ask their advice and make it clear that you would not consider getting back with him or giving him access to your DD if they are unhappy about it.

Confused why would Ss be ' unhappy ' about it?
An0n0n0n · 27/12/2020 21:13

If you give him a chance to be a father set out what that means for you both. How often contact, how much money. It would also be an absolute condition for me that he has on going counselling because as a minimum, if he steps up into the best dad ever, he will feel immense guilt and pain as he sees that his friend was a child to someone in the same way his daughter is to him. As he loves her more he will feel more grief.

But I really don't think it comes off well that he is currently depressed and not coping and someone else sent your child over to gee him up.

Have his parents been involved to date? What relationship and interest have they shown in your daughter?

Original poster
handelswe · 28/12/2020 00:54

DDs grandad and his wife have been involved since DD was young and they used to have her one or two days a week before DD was going to nursery. Her nan has only seen her once or twice (her choice as she told me not to write to DDs dad or let him near her but I carried on writing to him) and my ex said she hasn't texted him or anything and he told me that DD is lucky as if she was in her life she wouldn't see her for a long time and then she'd want to randomly see her again ( she did that to him after she split up with his dad)

OP posts:
KatieGGGG · 28/12/2020 01:15

OP your “friend” sounds like a knob. Drop them as their dramatisation of your situation won’t help an already complex matter.

He’s not a murder and if you know him as well as you’ve put across then he’s not dangerous either.

Facilitate a relationship with your daughter as far as you feel comfortable with, and take any relationship between you both extremely slow. It’s going to be a very difficult few years for you all, trust your instincts at every stage.

audweb · 28/12/2020 01:22

He committed a crime, and he’s served his time. The fact that he stayed with his friend and plead guilty, that says something about his character - he didn’t run away from what he had done. There’s nothing to say given what he was in for that he would harm your child, and you can take this as slowly as you want. But prison is supposed to be about rehabilitation as well as punishment. He’s still young, this is now his chance to show that he can do something with his life. There’s no expectation that just because someone goes to jail that they deserve never to have a life or a family again. That’s not how it works, and not how it should work.

Just take it slowly and gently for everyone’s sake.

stuffedforchristmas · 28/12/2020 01:28

Wheresmykimchi

At the moment, she's your bog standard good mum (which is huge).

If she gets back with this guy, she'll be the partner of someone who will be viewed with...reservations by SS. That's a step down if he messes up.

I would certainly be getting ahead of that curve with a 'Child's needs still front and centre here!' paper trail. It wouldn't particularly matter to me if they were unhappy (though it's their job to be wary and given her age the child may already be known to them - she has no option but to check and appease.)

Indecisive12 · 28/12/2020 08:53

Social services will not be interested in the slightest unless he drink drives with his daughter in the car or otherwise puts her at risk.

Purplealienpuke · 28/12/2020 09:20

Nobody here can change the sentence he received, whether we think it was too lenient or not.
He served the sentence he was given for the crime he committed.
It sounds like he is saying he is struggling with what he has done so counselling is the right thing.
Until he has completed a course of counselling my advice would be not to allow him unsupervised access with your dd.
You weren't together very long before he went to prison and I don't think you can know him very well right now.
Take great care and time getting to know him again.
From personal experience prison changes people.
You sound like you are putting your dd first, continue to do that and you'll be fine 🙂

partyatthepalace · 28/12/2020 13:52

So sorry you are in this situation OP.

People can change and grow up and children need a relationship with both parents where possible, so I think you are right to begin contact. But take it slowly, if he hasn’t grown up, it would be understandable for you not to continue.

Wheresmykimchi · 28/12/2020 14:29

OP clearly wants a relationship with him though and this needs to be taken into account.

AIMD · 28/12/2020 16:29

@Indecisive12

Social services will not be interested in the slightest unless he drink drives with his daughter in the car or otherwise puts her at risk.
I agree. Unless they have concerns for other reasons or he has other offences as well I wouldn’t have thought this would be on their radar.

If he was considered a risk I would have though contact with children would have been considered as part of his license.

Original poster
handelswe · 30/12/2020 16:17

Thank you for your replies

He came to see DD today and it went ok. He did say that my friend messaged him the other day telling him to stay away from me and DD and that DD is better off not knowing him

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 17:55

@handelswe

Thank you for your replies

He came to see DD today and it went ok. He did say that my friend messaged him the other day telling him to stay away from me and DD and that DD is better off not knowing him

Your friend needs to butt out. I would feel similar to her but that not on.
Sarahandduck18 · 30/12/2020 18:10

His own mother told you not to let DD near him?

There are so many alarm bells in this!

You knew he was going to steal a car and joy ride? Yet you did nothing?

If he was only 16 at the time of the crime then yes I do think rehabilitation is possible.

But this is for him and his probation officer.

I don’t think you should be having any contact with him until his probation is over.

Is he paying maintenance? Even from benefits?

You need to speak to his probation officer directly in case there is anything you don’t know about that may lead to a social services investigation of you.

Original poster
handelswe · 30/12/2020 22:23

His mum told me to not let him near DD as she believes he crashed the car on purpose. He texted me saying he was angry because his dad ruined his birthday because he found out he got back with his stepmum ( who he hated). And he said he wanted to get revenge and he told me he was going steal his dad's car but I told him not to as he'd get into a lot of trouble with his dad (I didn't know he was drinking). and he said he wasn't going to as he didn't know where his dad put his keys. So I didn't tell anyone as I didn't think he was going to

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 22:39

@handelswe

His mum told me to not let him near DD as she believes he crashed the car on purpose. He texted me saying he was angry because his dad ruined his birthday because he found out he got back with his stepmum ( who he hated). And he said he wanted to get revenge and he told me he was going steal his dad's car but I told him not to as he'd get into a lot of trouble with his dad (I didn't know he was drinking). and he said he wasn't going to as he didn't know where his dad put his keys. So I didn't tell anyone as I didn't think he was going to
She believes he crashed the car on purpose? With him and the friend in it?!
zolazarola · 30/12/2020 22:47

I would let him see her if I was in your position, OP. But would be extremely cautious and take things very slow.

However, his mum believing that he crashed the car on purpose is worrying. Do you think there could be any truth in that?

Original poster
handelswe · 31/12/2020 00:32

No I don't think that he did it on purpose as he was very upset and I don't think he would've

OP posts:
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