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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

111 replies

handelswe · 26/12/2020 21:52

I've NCed for obvious reasons

Background- I was with my boyfriend for a few months and I got pregnant. I had DD at 17. When I was pregnant he stole his dads car and was drink driving and he crashed and his best friend died. DDs dad was sentenced to 4 years. I visited him with Dd when she was a few months old but he said he didn't want me to bring DD as a prison wasn't a place for a baby. I did write to him and he always asked about dd. He was realised on license a few weeks ago. DD is now almost 3. I've been texting him and yesterday his dad asked if I'd take DD to his so she can see her dad and him. DD didn't really go near her dad as she was shy.

One of my friends said I shouldn't have as he's dangerous and a murderer. I told her that it was a mistake what he did and I believe he should still be able to see his DD grow up and DD should be able to see her dad

AIBU? Any other advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
handelswe · 26/12/2020 22:59

When DD was first born I didn't want her to have anything to do with him or his dad but when DD was about 5 or 6 months he wrote me a letter saying he was sorry for everything, said how he hated himself, wished it was him that died not his friend and said he only stole the car as he thought it would've been funny and revenge on his dad as he was angry as he got back with his stepmum (who at the time he hated) etc. And thats when I started writing to him and we became friends. I'm not chasing a relationship with him.

OP posts:
scrivette · 26/12/2020 23:01

He made a terrible terrible mistake and it's one that he will pay for the rest of his life.
I would allow him to have contact and see how it works out, but would take it very slowly and carefully.

It's sad for all involved how one stupid decision has such tragic consequences.

SteeperThanHell · 26/12/2020 23:04

@Wheresmykimchi so Kimchi taking aside any speculative thoughts (although MN is full of them). Do you believe that stealing a car, driving under the influence of alcohol and killing someone is a mistake or a crime? If it is a crime, do you think that less than 3 years in prison is sufficient?

VetiverAndLavender · 26/12/2020 23:04

I wouldn't leave her in his care, and there are many other factors that would come into play in my final decision, but I do think that your daughter deserves to know her father, at some point. I'm just not sure when/how it would be best to accomplish that...

MythsandSparkles · 26/12/2020 23:13

@SteeperThanHell it’s both surely?

He’s made a terrible mistake committing a crime that will live with him forever, but if he’s to be punished for it for the rest of his life then why do we put people in prison? Why not just kill them straight off? Do you not believe in rehabilitating prisoners?

OP I’d take it extremely carefully, evaluate the person he is now before allowing too much of a relationship with your daughter - see how it evolves.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 23:14

[quote SteeperThanHell]@Wheresmykimchi so Kimchi taking aside any speculative thoughts (although MN is full of them). Do you believe that stealing a car, driving under the influence of alcohol and killing someone is a mistake or a crime? If it is a crime, do you think that less than 3 years in prison is sufficient?[/quote]
It doesn't matter what I think. Our views on his sentence isn't the question here and what his parents think should not be debated on a forum.

Original poster
handelswe · 26/12/2020 23:18

His dad asked me to take DD round to see them to try and take her dad's mind orrr things/try and cheer him up as it's coming up to 3 years and he's been thinking about his friend alot and he didn't want to talk to anyone apart from me (we were texting) as he said I'm the only person who forgives him and doesn't think he's a bad person. I won't leave DD alone with him yet though

OP posts:
MariaK91 · 26/12/2020 23:18

Well he doesn't sound like a great role model! So I would be careful that she doesn't pick up any bad traits from him as children love copying their parents! But he is the father so as long as he wants to be involved I don't think it would be right to write him out of her life. As long as your daughter is safe with him.

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 23:21

@handelswe

His dad asked me to take DD round to see them to try and take her dad's mind orrr things/try and cheer him up as it's coming up to 3 years and he's been thinking about his friend alot and he didn't want to talk to anyone apart from me (we were texting) as he said I'm the only person who forgives him and doesn't think he's a bad person. I won't leave DD alone with him yet though
Hang on OP.

Wanting to build a relationship with your DD is one thing . Wanting DD round to 'take his mind off things' Blush

ZaphodBeeblerox · 26/12/2020 23:25

Oh FGS this is not even him attempting to build a relationship with his child.

This is his father thinking a child will be a useful distraction as he mopes about his mistakes and you doing all the physical and emotional labour for his restitution.

Please - your DD is not a toy or a support animal to be treated this way. If he feels bad he needs to deal with that in healthy ways. And if he wants to be a father he should be a father. Doesn’t sound like it though if it’s your FIL who’s pulling the strings

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 23:27

Op please don't fall for the you're the only one I have [angry

Original poster
handelswe · 26/12/2020 23:38

He messaged me today thanking me and he asked if he can see DD again soon. He also said he will get counselling

OP posts:
HollyGenneroMcClane · 26/12/2020 23:43

What else is he going to do? What's his life plan?

Wheresmykimchi · 26/12/2020 23:43

@handelswe

He messaged me today thanking me and he asked if he can see DD again soon. He also said he will get counselling
What's the relevance of this to anything that has been said?
NewlyGranny · 26/12/2020 23:55

He's not a murderer; your friend is wrong, and of course it's none of her business. He has paid for his crime and has a new start. I'd wait and see what he does with his life before judging him. He will always be DD's father and she has a right to know him, if it's safe for her, and he has obligations to her. She might prove to be a good motivation for him to make a better job of himself.

I wouldn't go through his dad but let your ex make arrangements directly with you. He needs to be the parent, not the child here. Take it slowly and see how reliably he shapes up. Having her alone should be a good way down the track, I feel. He doesn't know how to parent her yet.

Good luck, and remember, he owes her but you don't owe him.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2020 00:08

I think you need to make sure you are separating out the two issues here:

Your DD's father has killed someone and (rightly) been punished for it. That doesn't mean he doesn't have a right to have a relationship with his daughter and she deserves to have a relationship with him. As far as possible and as long as he seems to have rehabilitated himself after this awful crime, you should facilitate this.

However, if you are considering restarting your relationship with this man you need to proceed with great caution, for a number of reasons. Your DD needs stability and a parent who can take responsibility for her. It's not clear from your post whether or not her dad has matured sufficiently as a result of his time in prison and whether he is indicating that he wants to step up and be a father or not. I think he has to go the extra mile in demonstrating that he is trustworthy, considering what has happened, and I think you will have to rebuild the relationship you had if you want to be together.

As long as you have clear sight of the fact that these are two separate things, I think you should facilitate this. But don't confuse him being an adequate dad with him being the right partner for you.

MintyMabel · 27/12/2020 00:12

I have a friend who was jailed for causing serious injuries to a passenger whilst he was drink driving when he was 19. He grew up really quickly going through that and is now a wonderful father and step father. He would never touch a drop of he was getting behind the wheel of a car. His children are no more at risk from him than mine is from me. To suggest there is a safeguarding issue is laughable. At most I’d not allow the child to be in a car with him.

Original poster
handelswe · 27/12/2020 00:14

He said he doesn't know what he wants to do yet but he does want to be a dad to DD. I believe he has changed and is much more mature

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 27/12/2020 00:42

@handelswe

He said he doesn't know what he wants to do yet but he does want to be a dad to DD. I believe he has changed and is much more mature
Op, I think you need to be honest that you are asking about restarting a relationship with this man. It is obvious that this the issue here.
Original poster
handelswe · 27/12/2020 01:10

I don't want a relationship with him yet as I want DD to get to know him and for him to prove that he wants to be a dad to her. I was in a relationship with him until I found out about the crash then I broke up with him as I was so angry and upset with him as he also lied to me as he told me he was going to take his dad's car and I told him not to as he'd get in alot of trouble (I didn't know he'd been drinking though) and he said he wouldn't

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 27/12/2020 01:14

@handelswe

I don't want a relationship with him yet as I want DD to get to know him and for him to prove that he wants to be a dad to her. I was in a relationship with him until I found out about the crash then I broke up with him as I was so angry and upset with him as he also lied to me as he told me he was going to take his dad's car and I told him not to as he'd get in alot of trouble (I didn't know he'd been drinking though) and he said he wouldn't
But you do want him

I'm not getting at you. But you have to be honest with yourself.

scotsllb · 27/12/2020 01:47

He has served his sentence and has the right to a relationship with his child.
All this aside, it's how he behaves now that is important. Is he desperate to build a relationship where he wants to take on his responsibilities and what plans has he got to ensure he does so.
If he hasn't come out of prison with all this in mind, I wouldn't be coming forward so readily.
He has had long enough to sit and work out what he wants from life.
He needs to be coming to you and showing you he wants to step up

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 02:26

I'm feeling very uncomfortable with people referring to this incident as a stupid mistake. It may well seem that way but Christ someone lost their life, he didn't lost £50 on the horses.

I would be thinking if this contact is being driven by the dad rather than him.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2020 02:40

You weren't wrong op. Apart from anything else, your dd has a right to know her father.

Well done for taking a calm cautious, reasoned approach.

katy1213 · 27/12/2020 02:49

I wouldn't be in any rush to encourage this man to have a relationship with my child. I'd need to see a huge change in him before I'd contemplate even supervised visits. At the moment your daughter doesn't know him, she won't miss him. I'm not saying people can't change - but this is an arrogant, drunken idiot who got off quite lightly for causing a death. He wasn't much use when you were pregnant, was he? What makes you think he'll be any different now?

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