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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

111 replies

handelswe · 26/12/2020 21:52

I've NCed for obvious reasons

Background- I was with my boyfriend for a few months and I got pregnant. I had DD at 17. When I was pregnant he stole his dads car and was drink driving and he crashed and his best friend died. DDs dad was sentenced to 4 years. I visited him with Dd when she was a few months old but he said he didn't want me to bring DD as a prison wasn't a place for a baby. I did write to him and he always asked about dd. He was realised on license a few weeks ago. DD is now almost 3. I've been texting him and yesterday his dad asked if I'd take DD to his so she can see her dad and him. DD didn't really go near her dad as she was shy.

One of my friends said I shouldn't have as he's dangerous and a murderer. I told her that it was a mistake what he did and I believe he should still be able to see his DD grow up and DD should be able to see her dad

AIBU? Any other advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 31/12/2020 00:57

He has only been out for a few weeks. I think you should take a step back from him and see how he handles being out for a while (several months at least). See if he gets his act together, gets a job, stays off the booze, keeps his nose clean, etc. Still facilitate contact for DD, but don't get emotionally involved (although I fear it's too late for that). I think you want to 'save' him, but he needs to do that for himself before he can be a good partner/father. You can be supportive, but don't let him lean on you.

AndcalloffChristmas · 31/12/2020 01:52

I’d take it very slowly, and definitely would avoid getting badly together with him whatever your feelings (if he asks). However I don’t think you’re wrong to see him at all, and see if dd can have a relationship with her dad. But be on your guard.

I also think your friend is trying to make drama out of the situation by talking about murderers. He did an awful thing but he didn’t murder anyone.

YoBeaches · 31/12/2020 02:22

You mention that he deserves the opportunity to see his dd grow up.... but it's not about him, it's about her.

Appreciate he was young ( was he?) and reckless. The question is whether now he can and is willing to support her as a father. Financially, emotionally, physically.

Your feelings for him are irrelevant really. I'd be very dubious about a relationship with someone who acted in this way when his 17yr old girlfriend was pregnant. You're still only 20, it's not the best start for a long and happy relationship. You were literally left holding the baby whilst he was sent to prison.

And I would remind your friend that if he went to court for access, he'd get it, so it's better to do it on your terms now. But for your dd, not for your or his feelings.

shellydashock · 31/12/2020 04:00

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Maves · 31/12/2020 11:12

His friend chose to get in the car. What he did was bad but people grow up and change. Give him a chance but tell him any fuck ups then that's it.

Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 19:08

@YoBeaches

You mention that he deserves the opportunity to see his dd grow up.... but it's not about him, it's about her.

Appreciate he was young ( was he?) and reckless. The question is whether now he can and is willing to support her as a father. Financially, emotionally, physically.

Your feelings for him are irrelevant really. I'd be very dubious about a relationship with someone who acted in this way when his 17yr old girlfriend was pregnant. You're still only 20, it's not the best start for a long and happy relationship. You were literally left holding the baby whilst he was sent to prison.

And I would remind your friend that if he went to court for access, he'd get it, so it's better to do it on your terms now. But for your dd, not for your or his feelings.

This.
Original poster
handelswe · 17/01/2021 01:54

I let him keep seeing DD. But over lockdown I agreed to stay with him and his dad and stepmum (his dad asked me but it was exs idea) and so far it's going well. He has been helping alot with DD. I haven't left her alone with him (apart from earlier as DD was having a tantrum and she wouldn't let me put her to bed as she wanted him to).

My friend however has been calling me a bad mum and stupid for giving him another Chance. She also keeps texting him saying he's a bad dad and DD deserves better and calling him a coward etc as he never replies

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 02:34

@handelswe

I let him keep seeing DD. But over lockdown I agreed to stay with him and his dad and stepmum (his dad asked me but it was exs idea) and so far it's going well. He has been helping alot with DD. I haven't left her alone with him (apart from earlier as DD was having a tantrum and she wouldn't let me put her to bed as she wanted him to).

My friend however has been calling me a bad mum and stupid for giving him another Chance. She also keeps texting him saying he's a bad dad and DD deserves better and calling him a coward etc as he never replies

Patch the friend. Keep going with what is right for you.
AlwaysCheddar · 17/01/2021 06:35

Sorry but I agree with your friend. You have been staying with him when you don’t know him that well. I’m concerned you knew he was going to take keys but then he said he wouldn’t and you didn’t think he was drunk. And you might want to get back with him. He’s a loser. Future us screwed as he killed someone. It will affect his job opportunities. Let him see his kid by all means, but keep your distance.

billybagpuss · 17/01/2021 07:16

Has he made arrangements for counselling op? And does he still drink.

I totally understand why you’re doing what you’re doing although I think you’re taking it too fast as dd will get attached, examples by the tantrum.

How much do you value your friendship, I think you’ve reached a crossroads where you either block her out completely. Or tell her that you appreciate her concern, you’ve listened to what she has to say now stfu and back off.

Yes what he did was horrendous and stupid and will stay with him. But It is still possible for him to build a life for himself, his crime was stupidity with fatal consequences, not preemptive with criminal intent. However, his head is going to be all over the place he needs counselling and you need to not have to parent him through it as well as raising a toddler.

Original poster
handelswe · 17/01/2021 23:20

He hasn't arranged counselling yet as he said he's ok and the only reason he was upset a few weeks ago was because he was listening to what people were saying to him. He doesn't drink now

I've told my friend that it's none of her business as she told me that he'll hit DD because of his temper. But I know he wouldn't as he's proved he's changed by being patient with DD and not getting angry when she refuses to do something and he learnt to control his temper.

Earlier DD was refusing to eat her dinner and she kept running from the table and was hitting us and spitting at me and I was tired (she woke me up at 5 and I'm not sure why) and I shouted at her and I left DD with him and he got her to eat and he was very patient.

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