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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

522 replies

Frosty2894 · 26/12/2020 21:12

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

OP posts:
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TurquoiseDragon · 27/12/2020 13:53

The terms "table manners" and "etiquette" are not interchangeable.

You can have good table manners and still eat with the cutlery in the "wrong" hands.

Table manners are about being polite according to the local customs (eg, in the UK no burping, licking the knife, etc, in China no sticking your chopsticks in your rice bowl so they stand up).

Etiquette is about doing things a certain way so as to appear "posh".

safariboot · 27/12/2020 13:55

For me, table manners are important and do reflect on people’s upbringing.

Someone's table manners reflect not how they were brought up but by who. Which for some people matters. Britain is less severely racist than the USA, but we are still much more classist. "Manners" and "etiquette" are shibboleths to identify who comes from the wrong background.

PurpleMustang · 27/12/2020 13:56

I really don't understand why people think there is a right way and a wrong way. It mostly depends on being left handed or right handed so therefore which hand the knife goes in being the dominant hand. Right handed, fork left, knife right and vice versa. Some people feel comfortable being the opposite to what they should be and if that works for them so be it. My son is right handed, but eats left handed. Even took me a while to twig but he doesn't feel comfortable the other way so have left him to it. I know someone that is right handed but brought up with left handed parents so thats how they use cutlery. Does it really matter

unmarkedbythat · 27/12/2020 13:58

Of course it doesn't matter. Some people are just twits obsessed with how things look. I feel a bit sorry for anyone who takes 'how you hold your cutlery' seriously.

GwendolineMarysLaces · 27/12/2020 14:10

@safariboot

For me, table manners are important and do reflect on people’s upbringing.

Someone's table manners reflect not how they were brought up but by who. Which for some people matters. Britain is less severely racist than the USA, but we are still much more classist. "Manners" and "etiquette" are shibboleths to identify who comes from the wrong background.

Absolutely this. It's utter bullshit but a good way for those who 'know' to identify those who don't. See also using the word toilet and opening all of your Christmas presents before teatime.
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2020 14:19

Well I’d definitely notice and judge you for it I’m afraid. It’s about table manners. Children with special needs I can make an exception for, but there’s no excuse for adults - “it isn’t comfortable for me” is a bit of a pathetic excuse.

Even leaving aside the clear othering of children with SN, why is my own comfort, when eating my own meal, less important than your self-righteousness as to what you prefer being the only ‘correct’ way? You remind me of those boorish sorts who will inform somebody with an unusual name that they are pronouncing or spelling their own name wrongly and will insist on saying/spelling it the way that they prefer it and thus deem 'correct'.

You're presumably an adult and as such, regardless of how you ate as a child, as an adult it's encumbent on you to have the basic knowledge and application of such basic etiquette of how to hold cutlery!
Fgs, children in nursery are taught this!

I will be too polite to specifically point out basic knowledge of correct word usage that ‘should have been taught in school’, but why does it actually matter to you? Think about it: don’t just say “But it’s etiquette” without actually considering why it matters or why one person’s way is correct and another person’s renders them unable to be considered a proper adult?

Caring about and abusing people for holding their cutlery the opposite way from how you do is just another form of controlling behaviour. If you will play your face and start condemning people, accusing them of being like children, having no idea of how to eat in public etc. – I presume you also approach and put in their place people you see wearing socks with sandals or ‘last season’s’ colours; maybe anybody using a mobility scooter or a walking frame is challenged to justify to your own personal satisfaction that they are indeed disabled enough to need it and not just being ‘lazy’; do you criticise married women who work outside the home, because ‘tradition’ and ‘etiquette’ suggests that they are ‘wrong’ to do so – and assume that they are only living their own lives in the way that best suits them to upset and offend YOU?

Good manners are one thing, but etiquette is mainly a way for the rich, powerful, influential and/or self-important in society to go around kicking and bullying others who do things differently from them or have different opinions. Different, I said; not wrong.

We get this on the threads about addressed envelopes, where a poster is upset and feels completely overlooked as a person in her own right, because she receives birthday cards addressed to Mrs John Smith when her own name is Emily Jones. There will always be somebody coming on to tell her that she is wrong to be upset at this, because the sender is actually correct to address it this way. End of discussion, slap you right down – your feelings don’t matter, because they are the ‘incorrect’ ones to have, and if you’d been properly taught as a newborn, you wouldn’t be embarrassing yourself this way and proving that you cannot function acceptably as an adult in decent society.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2020 14:28

As others have said, I genuinely couldn't tell you how anybody else - even those very close to me - holds their cutlery, because I look at their face when I'm spending time with them and don't stare at their hands, feet, bottoms, knees, elbows or indeed any other body part that isn't the primary one on which humans focus in routine social interaction.

This is probably why manners dictate eating with your mouth closed and not talking whilst eating, whereas only tedious etiquette cares about how you're holding your knife and fork.

I'd be interested to know if there's a strong correlation between those who tell others that they are using the 'wrong' hands to hold their cutlery and those who claim that it's incredibly rude for anybody else to ever park on the bit of public road that happens to be adjacent to their house; and those who start scandalous rumours if people don't have their curtains open at the break of dawn.

MispyM · 27/12/2020 14:36

I really do believe that judging somebody for superficial things like these is much more problematic than somebody holding their knife like a pen (or whatever).

It's actually rather cruel.

ChristmasAlone · 27/12/2020 14:38

As long as you don't do it the American way it's all good.

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2020 14:41

@MispyM

I really do believe that judging somebody for superficial things like these is much more problematic than somebody holding their knife like a pen (or whatever).

It's actually rather cruel.

I think it says more about them than the person holding their cutlery "the wrong way round".
ultrablue · 27/12/2020 14:42

My left handed DS holds his cutlery as if right handed, DD2 is right handed and holds her cutlery as if left handed, they just do what feels natural for them, I actually have no idea which way round DD1 holds her cutlery..

Longpinknails · 27/12/2020 14:43

I hold my fork in right hand too and I'm right handed. It too, irritates my DH. I too have tried to eat the other way round and I also can't do it. I'm with you Op and I'm afraid I don't know the answer. I am conscious of it in some situations, but as I've got older, I don't really care now what others think, if they notice. If you're polite and have good manners, so that's the main thing.

Barkspawn · 27/12/2020 15:13

@DinoGreen

Well I’d definitely notice and judge you for it I’m afraid. It’s about table manners. Children with special needs I can make an exception for, but there’s no excuse for adults - “it isn’t comfortable for me” is a bit of a pathetic excuse.
You're the one whose pathetic here.
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2020 15:14

I hold my fork in right hand too and I'm right handed. It too, irritates my DH. I too have tried to eat the other way round and I also can't do it.

Your DH has a problem here, which he needs to come to terms with and/or deal with on his own.

You personally do NOT have a problem here, so you need change nothing at all.

Barkspawn · 27/12/2020 15:16

@DinoGreen

Well I’d definitely notice and judge you for it I’m afraid. It’s about table manners. Children with special needs I can make an exception for, but there’s no excuse for adults - “it isn’t comfortable for me” is a bit of a pathetic excuse.
Also, you do realise that children with special needs tend to grow into adults with special needs, don't you?
MrsClatterbuck · 27/12/2020 15:19

@imissthebubonicplague

Usually depends on what I'm eating, pasta or risotto type food, fork in my right hand. Something like steak or chicken breast, knife in my right hand and fork in my left throughout. Curry or rice dishes depends on the size of meat pieces.
I am the same. I think it stems back to being in a nice restaurant on holiday with my parents and being fascinated by some Americans who were eating their lunch with forks in their right hand. Same with Chinese or Indian food, if the meat pieces are too big I actually cut them up smaller before eating. My dh is left handed but uses his knife and fork as if right handed. Imagine if left handed was the norm so eating with your fork in right hand and knife in left would also be the norm. So people could be outraged at someone eating the way we mostly do normally atm.
MispyM · 27/12/2020 15:33

I think it says more about them than the person holding their cutlery "the wrong way round".

I 100% agree.

I want to surround myself with kind, empathetic and courageous people.

Whether they hold their spoon in their right or left hand simply doesn't matter.
I certainly didn't marry DH for his table manners!

ikltownofboothlehem · 27/12/2020 16:06

Well I’d definitely notice and judge you for it I’m afraid.

That says more about you than your cutlery usage. It doesn't make you in any way superior to anyone else because you place more importance on how somebody holds their knife & fork than how they might be as a person.

But then, I couldn't give a shiny shit about pleasing you.

Sharonspoisonedpud · 27/12/2020 16:24

want to surround myself with kind, empathetic and courageous people.

Its kind and empathetic to consider others when eating.
I will say it again.
You hold you fork in your left hand and your knife in your right hand so that you dont accidently elbow other people when cutting food.

Its basic table manners to do this not a made up rule for the sake of it.

/\ /\ /\ \ / /

Diagram above Grin
If you are eating American styleshudder it doesnt matter if you hold your fork in your right hand as you wont be accidentally elbowing your neighbour as you have already cut your food correctly with your right hand then swapped.

Sharonspoisonedpud · 27/12/2020 16:25

It doesn't make you in any way superior to anyone else because you place more importance on how somebody holds their knife & fork than how they might be as a person

It shows that you have been taught manners and are considerate of others.

SinkGirl · 27/12/2020 16:33

@Sharonspoisonedpud

want to surround myself with kind, empathetic and courageous people.

Its kind and empathetic to consider others when eating.
I will say it again.
You hold you fork in your left hand and your knife in your right hand so that you dont accidently elbow other people when cutting food.

Its basic table manners to do this not a made up rule for the sake of it.

/\ /\ /\ \ / /

Diagram above Grin
If you are eating American styleshudder it doesnt matter if you hold your fork in your right hand as you wont be accidentally elbowing your neighbour as you have already cut your food correctly with your right hand then swapped.

I’ve never once elbowed someone when cutting my food, and it’s just as likely you’ll elbow someone with either arm if there are people on both sides of you.

I have been taught manners and am considerate of others. I know you’re supposed to use them the other day way round but I can’t eat that way. I’d say someone who elbows their neighbour when cutting is the inconsiderate one, regardless of which arm they’re elbowing you with.

Quaagars · 27/12/2020 16:38

Basic table manners.
Surprised by how common it is on this thread to not care!
I'm in no way posh (at all lol) but was always taught the correct way and I've taught my kids how to as well.
YABU

AcornAutumn · 27/12/2020 16:40

@Sharonspoisonedpud

It doesn't make you in any way superior to anyone else because you place more importance on how somebody holds their knife & fork than how they might be as a person

It shows that you have been taught manners and are considerate of others.

There'll be lots of people who know all this and have zero consideration for others.

How close are these people sitting that they might be elbowed?

Most of us don't attend royal banquets.

verylittlepen · 27/12/2020 16:44

Of course it’s a ‘made up rule.’ All rules are made up.

DinoGreen · 27/12/2020 16:45

Wow, my contribution to this thread has made it into the Daily Mail - I feel like a proper Mumsnetter now!

I stand by my position.