To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

[Frosty2894]

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

This is such a funny topic, love seeing all the snobby ‘correct’ way posters think their way is the right/only way because that’s how they were brought up.

Would Love for some of these people to visit my home country, as we hold out forks in the right hand and ‘shovel way’ as our meals usually consists of rice and that is our ‘etiquette’

So no one is right or wrong, it can be a cultural preference but if you actually travel you will find the british way is often not the same and you could be ridiculed by other snobby people like yourselves so maybe think twice before you judge others on how they hold their cutlery.

As long as people eat nicely, mouth closed when eating and no talking with a mouthful who cares

I'm the same as you OP, and I think we're in the right. Holding your fork in your less-dominant hand seems bizarre to me - it's the thing you need dexterity with. It seems obvious to me to use the same hand for a fork that you use for a pen!

@pickingdaisies

I was taught the "correct" way to hold cutlery. Then I went to America, and people there wondered why Brits make life so difficult for themselves. So I had a rethink. I read somewhere that when forks were introduced to some European king's court or other, the king picked one up and used it the wrong way round. Nobody dared to correct him, so that's the way we still use it. Meanwhile OP, your problem is not the way you hold your fork. It's the way your DP is making you feel about it. He's an arse, and I don't know about your Mil, we've only got your DPs word for that

But do t Americans have a convoluted system of using the left hand for the fork, to hold the food, usin the right hand to hold the knife to cut the food, and then transfer the fork from left to right to eat?

I find it really bizarre that some people equate this to licking plates, eating with your mouth open, etc. I have excellent table manners, have eaten in very fancy places often for work (before I had kids - fancy restaurants aren’t much on my radar these days!). Of course I knew which cutlery and glasses to use and appropriate etiquette but switching my knife and fork round has never been commented on or received any dodgy glances (some of the people I ate with did the same, since it was often an international group and quite a lot of lefties). I find it odd that people use their knife in their dominant hand when it does a lot less work / requires less coordination as you’re not lifting it to your mouth for every mouthful. I do struggle with coordination generally though so maybe it’s not an issue for others.

I just cannot put this into the same category as other “poor table manners” issues. Sit me next to someone doing this rather than eating with their mouth open any day.

I don't care how people eat at the table so long as it doesn't revolt me however a lit of people DO judge others so it is a kindness to teach our children how to do it properly.

I have a horror of my children going to a formal do somewhere, maybe at university or if they get a really great job and some braying hooray having a dig at them.
Don't say it doesn't happen because it does!

I do this too.

But I’ve noticed that a fork only meal is held in the right hand, yet a knife and fork meal the fork is in the left hand.

Surely the lifting hand should remain the same?

Etiquette is about making others feel comfortable. I'd much rather have dinner with you then with my DM who holds her cutlery the right way but who picks food pieces from between her teeth after dinner without covering her mouth with her hand and thinks it's acceptable to blow her nose during the meal. THAT is bad behavior in my opinion so I wouldn't care about in which hand you hold your fork.

Its accepted social convention in the UK to do this and there is a reason for it.
The way cutlery is laid out plus glasses/ side plates is to avoid accidently picking up your neighbours cutlery or glass by mistake or to have them turned towards you when eating .
At meals of several courses its more important.
We have lots of social conventions that might seem odd to others but you actually achieve nothing by breaking them other than others wondering why you havent been taught them.
To find yourself as a young adult suddenly aware that you have no idea how to behave in a formal dining situation is dreadful.

Manners maketh man and cost nothing
Absolutely unforgivable to not instill manners in a child.

Im embarrassed for anyone who would judge this.

I'm a leftie and holding a knife in my left hand is natural to me. Anyone who claims its incorrect is patently talking absolute nonsense. How can it ever be incorrect to force people to go against their natural instincts? Do we force gay people to be straight these days? Surely we are better educated now?

Honestly its the height of ignorance and bad manners for anyone to raise this.

• Manners maketh man and cost nothing Absolutely unforgivable to not instill manners in a child.*

Absolutely. But I'd much rather my son be praised for saying please, thank you & being able to hold polite conversation with an adult than which hand he holds his bloody fork in.

How bizarre. Just ignore, trying to get a rise out of you.

Surely, as long as someone isn't snuffling into their plate like a pig at a trough, how they transport their food to their mouth is pretty irrelevant. Just because it has 'always been done like this' doesn't mean that it has to continue that way until the end of bloody time. I seriously doubt that every single person I have eaten alongside has held their knife and and fork just so - but I don't know for sure because I'm not even remotely interested. As long as they don't talk about snot, shit, vomit or spiders at the dinner table then I don't care how they eat their food.

It's so weird that people care how other people hold their cutlery.

I swap hands, probably hold my fork in my right hand more and I'm right handed (I also wear my watch on my right arm, the horror!)

Sharon "To find yourself as a young adult suddenly aware that you have no idea how to behave in a formal dining situation is dreadful."

What counts as a formal dining situation please?

I said u

Lol @ spiders. That's a bit random.

Oops hit send

I said upthread I didnt think I had been taught. Just chatting to my sister and she reminded me we have been.

I don't really think about how I hold my cutlery. I've survived a few business dinners so I will assume it's all right.

I went to one with a lady who needed half the menu explained to her. I hope no one was judging but as far as I could tell, they weren't.

Yeah, spiders. Bloody horrible things. Put me right off my dinner

I swap hands, probably hold my fork in my right hand more and I'm right handed (I also wear my watch on my right arm, the horror!)

I do too

@ItisRainingAgain @DinoGreen

Maybe your parents should have focused less on how to hold cutlery and more on how to not raise judgemental twits 🤔

I just cannot put this into the same category as other “poor table manners” issues. Sit me next to someone doing this rather than eating with their mouth open any day.

I agree.
I put this in the same category as making a left handed person write with their right hand.

For the record I do use my culery correctly (according to the snobs on here), but I simply don't see eating with your knife in your left hand as bad manners. It just isn't. It is just outdated etiquette that any normal, non judgemental person doesn't even notice.

OP it’s up to you what you do. You weren’t taught “the correct way” so it would be difficult to change.

For me, table manners are important and do reflect on people’s upbringing. I expect a table to be laid properly and people to sit down, wait to start, use the correct cutlery and put their knife and fork together at the end of a meal to show they are finished. I expect them to remain at the table until everyone has finished or they are excused. If they do not do this, I will notice and presume they were not taught the correct etiquette or bothered to learn. However I would never ever comment or do anything to make anybody feel uncomfortable.

Different people have different values, I understand and accept that. As long as you are happy, it’s up to you.

I do a fair bit of hand swapping too. I had no idea I was committing a terrible faux pas or offending people. I hope they find me entertaining - like a juggler or a magician - as, by sleight of hand, I move my fork to the right because it's great for stabbing my turnip.

DP holds his cutlery the same but I never noticed until he told me.

I hold my knife and fork in a grip without my fingers on top so I’m aware I look totally common when I eat. I’ve always eaten this way and was never corrected so I shall blame my parents 🥴

"For me, table manners are important and do reflect on people’s upbringing."

I would just think they weren't posh.

But i have a different idea of table manners which doesn't include the way cutlery is held.

I do sometimes politely remind mum to put her cutlery together in a cafe to signal to wait staff. Mum is one of 9 - possibly ten - children, the mother of whom had her first at 14, in another country.

So yes, perhaps you can tell something about people through these things, but the implication I get here is it is very snobby folk who do the judging.

No that really doesn't matter. I wouldn't even notice. How weird that your husband cares so much to the extent he's told you not to eat in front of his mum.

Now if you lick your knife or use your fork as a shovel then you would be unreasonable