Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

522 replies

Frosty2894 · 26/12/2020 21:12

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ikltownofboothlehem · 27/12/2020 16:49

It shows that you have been taught manners and are considerate of others

No. It doesn't. I eat with my knife & fork the perceived 'right' way round. But if I did hold them the other way round how would it any way affect you, particularly if you were sitting at a different table? I've known people who eat the 'right' was round who have absolutely no manners, nor any consideration for others.

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 16:52

I have no problem with knife and fork held in the opposite hands to what is standard, I do have a problem with elbows out, and using the wrong implement for the job, or licking their knife. . . glares at teens who know sodding well how wound up their mother gets by this, were very firmly taught good table manners, and are clearly doing it just to wind her up. . .

MispyM · 27/12/2020 16:53

I'm in no way posh (at all lol) but was always taught the correct way and I've taught my kids how to as well.

But it isn't about whether you were "taught" the correct way.

It's about whether you'd care if others were (or weren't)...

randomsabreuse · 27/12/2020 16:53

In times of social distancing it does not matter, crammed into formal banqueting you need to be same handed to avoid bumping elbows as you cut.

In the days of regimented close combat in formation you needed everything to be uniform not to interfere with each other - you'd need a special left-handed group to work together. Left handers were considered perfect for attacking up spiral stairs in castles - which were designed to suit right handed defenders and hinder right handed attackers..m

Coldilox · 27/12/2020 16:58

It bothers me to see it, for a reason I cannot explain. It really irritates me to see cutlery held ‘wrong’, like holding a knife like a pen.

However, I recognise this is my problem entirely and not anybody else’s, so it would never occur to me to say anything.

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2020 17:03

It really, really, really is NOT rude or bad manners to hold your knife in your left hand and fork in your right hand. It is discrimination against left handed people or people who are less dextrous using cutlery the other way round to think so.

It might not be etiquette to snobs and people brought up with 19th century ideals, but is it simply not rude.

However it is rude to splash other dinners with gravy or accidentally flick peas at them because someone with archaic ideas of table etiquette has forced a left hander to eat with cutlery the wrong way round for them.

It is also rude to eat with your mouth open and talk with your mouth full of food.

Some people are living in the wrong century on this thread.

LoveFromDeauville · 27/12/2020 18:02

@FunkBus

"BUT IT'S COMPLETELY POINTLESS! Totally and utterly mad to say there is a "correct" way to hold cutlery! "

All social niceties are completely pointless if you look at it that way.

But we do live in a society, and all societies have rules.

I agree.

Of course, using cutlery the wrong way won’t harm anyone but it looks pretty sloppy. And doing so correctly is the norm, a social nicety. I do notice poor table manners but I’d certainly never comment or point them out. Now to make sure my toddler DC takes note!

AcornAutumn · 27/12/2020 18:07

@DinoGreen

Wow, my contribution to this thread has made it into the Daily Mail - I feel like a proper Mumsnetter now!

I stand by my position.

Now that is bad manners Telling us and not providing a link
Barkspawn · 27/12/2020 18:19

@DinoGreen

Wow, my contribution to this thread has made it into the Daily Mail - I feel like a proper Mumsnetter now!

I stand by my position.

You fit right in at the daily mail.
partyatthepalace · 27/12/2020 19:04

It would bother me, so I can understand why it bothers your partner. But he must have known about this in the early stages of your relationship - and you were presumably clear you didn’t want to change? In which case it’s a bit late for him to complain now, and he should stop pulling you up on it.

Sharonspoisonedpud · 27/12/2020 19:24

@Ginfordinner

It really, really, really is NOT rude or bad manners to hold your knife in your left hand and fork in your right hand. It is discrimination against left handed people or people who are less dextrous using cutlery the other way round to think so.

It might not be etiquette to snobs and people brought up with 19th century ideals, but is it simply not rude.

However it is rude to splash other dinners with gravy or accidentally flick peas at them because someone with archaic ideas of table etiquette has forced a left hander to eat with cutlery the wrong way round for them.

It is also rude to eat with your mouth open and talk with your mouth full of food.

Some people are living in the wrong century on this thread.

It is poor table manners, you just werent taught them.
ikltownofboothlehem · 27/12/2020 19:31

It is poor table manners, you just werent taught them.

I think your attitude is far worse manners than holding cutlery in a different way.

maradesbois · 27/12/2020 19:49

I actually think that lots of these ‘rules’ have sense behind them rather than being archaic relics of class divide eg leaving cutlery on the plate neatly when the meal is finished is a clear sign to restaurant staff or whoever is clearing up at home that one has finished. Am currently drumming into dc how to hold their knife properly in order to cut food rather than just tear at it. I also think that teaching appropriate table manners is part of general education and part of the whole experience of sitting at the table to enjoy a meal together - appropriate can be turning fork around to eat say peas or holding it in the right hand to eat spaghetti. The minute detail doesn’t matter as the rules are different in every country but as long as you do things in a way that makes sense and will not offend your fellow diners you’ll be fine.

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2020 20:08

It is poor table manners, you just werent taught them.

I disagree. We are all right handed in my family, so I didn't need to be "taught" that holding my knife in my left hand was wrong because holding it my right hand (my dominant hand) was the default option anyway.

I still see this as discrimination against left handers.

Sharonspoisonedpud · 27/12/2020 20:11

@Ginfordinner

It is poor table manners, you just werent taught them.

I disagree. We are all right handed in my family, so I didn't need to be "taught" that holding my knife in my left hand was wrong because holding it my right hand (my dominant hand) was the default option anyway.

I still see this as discrimination against left handers.

I am left handed !
rhowton · 27/12/2020 20:20

I wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't hold their cutlery in the correct way. It literally kills me!

wellthatsunusual · 27/12/2020 20:26

@rhowton

I wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't hold their cutlery in the correct way. It literally kills me!
Imagine if you got together with a grammar pedant who holds their cutlery in a way you don't like. You'd drop dead at the horror of the cutlery and they'd drop dead at the horror of the use of the word literally. It would be carnage Wink
WineNotTheLabel · 27/12/2020 20:28

‘The world was my oyster but I used the wrong fork.’ – Oscar Wilde

It really doesn't matter.

If anyone mentioned their bad manners theory at the table their manners are the problem not yours.

I (hope) I am not friends with silent judges. It is one step behind stingy meanness.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/12/2020 20:30

It would bother me, so I can understand why it bothers your partner. But he must have known about this in the early stages of your relationship - and you were presumably clear you didn’t want to change?

Goodness, how controlling does that sound?! Partners aren't things to specify and customise to your exacting requirements from a catalogue. Of all the compromises to willingly make in a relationship, to make your partner happy, forcing yourself to hold your cutlery the other way around to what you find more comfortable to avoid them being ashamed of/disgusted at/irritated by you is really quite something.

To be honest, if somebody starts getting seriously irritated by something as stupid as how you hold your cutlery, how you tie your shoes or in what order you button up your shirt, I think it has nothing whatsoever to do with the perceived minor peccadillo itself but rather is the scapegoat for much bigger problems in your relationship.

turolive · 27/12/2020 20:34

@rhowton

I wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't hold their cutlery in the correct way. It literally kills me!
Not sure if this is a joke...
ikltownofboothlehem · 27/12/2020 23:00

I wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't hold their cutlery in the correct way. It literally kills me!

It literally doesn't.

FunkBus · 28/12/2020 00:41

"Probably

What would you consider a social nicety?

I'm curious - the posters who are bothered by this, would you also be annoyed if a dinner guest brought wine you consider cheap?"

Saying thank you (not necessary in many cultures, totally necessary in ours.) Making eye contact when someone is talking to you (again, not the norm in every culture and downright rude in some.) Holding the door open for people. Making an effort to put on half-decent clothes before someone turns up at the house and so on.

Does it matter if someone is wearing pyjamas to do their job? Does it affect their abilities? Of course not. And yet, we don't turn up to the office in pyjamas.

It's the same thing.

I don't care about the price of wine and see that as totally different.

FunkBus · 28/12/2020 00:49

" (hope) I am not friends with silent judges. It is one step behind stingy meanness."

People always go on about judging as if every single one of us don't do it constantly.

If one of your friends starting turning up to your house in stained clothing with unbrushed hair and snot hanging out of their nose, you'd be fine with it, presumably?

chubbycheeks26 · 28/12/2020 01:03

I did this as a child and got a bollocking everytime by my dad.

LadyJaye · 28/12/2020 02:20

It depends on whether or not you can use cutlery in a way that's appropriate to the social conventions of the company you're in.

I have lived in Japan, Korea and Sri Lanka, so am pretty adept with chopsticks, chopsticks and spoon, and eating neatly with my right hand. I can also tell an oyster fork from a dessert spoon.

When I lived in Japan, nobody would have been offended per se by a gaijin asking for Western cutlery, but it would have been noted (subconsciously or otherwise) as a wee bit... declassé.

They may seem minor and petty, but little social shibboleths such as cutlery are really useful ways of integrating comfortably into a society, for better or ill.