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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

522 replies

Frosty2894 · 26/12/2020 21:12

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

OP posts:
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Brissiegirl · 26/12/2020 22:38

@Throughabushbackwards - often it's a case of knowing which hand to use pitted against not having the manual dexterity to hold the cutlery securely. I would hazard a guess it would be frowned on if I were to use your correct hands but end up spilling or dropping food or using my natural hand positions and eating neatly.

I have eaten in all manner of formal nd informal settings around the world and have had such interesting conversations with people about my left handedness once people realised there are reasons for using what you consider to be the incorrect way

EugenesAxe · 26/12/2020 22:39

I'm really surprised people are picking on you for just holding your knife and fork the wrong way round. I only have issues with the following kinds of cutlery holding:

  • people who wrap their entire fist around the handles, especially
  • people who scoop with their fork turned upwards, while gripping with all fingers wrapped around the handle
  • people who balance their handles in the crook between index finger and thumb

The only way to hold cutlery is to have the end of the handle in the palm and the index finger extended, but it doesn't matter which hand this is done with.

This is talking about knives and forks of course... bit different for eating with spoons.

Darbs76 · 26/12/2020 22:40

I hold mine the same. I remember our headmaster ridiculing me and making me swap in school dinners. My mum eats the same so guess that’s why I do. I don’t see the big deal

AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 22:41

@EugenesAxe

I'm really surprised people are picking on you for just holding your knife and fork the wrong way round. I only have issues with the following kinds of cutlery holding:
  • people who wrap their entire fist around the handles, especially
  • people who scoop with their fork turned upwards, while gripping with all fingers wrapped around the handle
  • people who balance their handles in the crook between index finger and thumb

The only way to hold cutlery is to have the end of the handle in the palm and the index finger extended, but it doesn't matter which hand this is done with.

This is talking about knives and forks of course... bit different for eating with spoons.

I can"t believe people think like this

Like another poster, I didn't know elbows on the table was considered rude until I read about it.

CanICelebrate · 26/12/2020 22:41

@DinoGreen holding your knife in your left hand is comparable to licking a plate?! Xmas Biscuit Xmas Hmm

Rachie1973 · 26/12/2020 22:43

I switch mine too. Oddly my ex and 2 best friends were left handed when I was younger and they all held their cutlery dry the ‘correct’ way.

DinoGreen · 26/12/2020 22:47

[quote CanICelebrate]@DinoGreen holding your knife in your left hand is comparable to licking a plate?! Xmas Biscuit Xmas Hmm[/quote]
Yes, to me it is.

None of the left handed people I know hold their cutlery the wrong way round but clearly on MN it’s the norm 😳 the point which most people seem to have missed from the OP is that they are right handed anyway.

Ginfordinner · 26/12/2020 22:50

I remember my German teacher (who was German) telling us that it was considered rude to cut your potatoes with a knife (the implication being that they hadn't been sufficiently cooked). My French teacher told us that cutting lettuce with a knife was considered rude (I don't know why though). And lastly, a Chinese friend of mine saying it was rude not to hold your rice bowl under your chin when eating (so you didn't drop rice on the table).

AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 22:51

Dino "Yes, to me it is."

If you're happy to say that freely, then I shall ask freely - are you posh and rich?

Thewithesarehere · 26/12/2020 22:52

Well I’d definitely notice and judge you for it I’m afraid. It’s about table manners. Children with special needs I can make an exception for, but there’s no excuse for adults..it isn’t comfortable for me..is a bit of a pathetic excuse.
You should be glad you don’t know me then. I use it the way I want and would immediately put you in your place and would give you a few ideas on how to get a life.

christmasathomeagain · 26/12/2020 22:55

I hold mine the same way. It doesn't feel right the other way. At school there was a particular dinner lady who would tell me to swap. As an adult I don't care. I really can't see what people's issue is which goes in which hand.

Pukkatea · 26/12/2020 23:06

It's yet another example of how etiquette only exists to put people in their place rather than any actual logical reason. Table manners - don't slurp your food or chew with your mouth open or anything else that someone could find disgusting or put them off their meal. Anything else is pure snobbery and etiquette sticklers are frankly pretentious bores who need to find hobbies.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 26/12/2020 23:07

There IS a good logic to this - at any crowded table (at formal events usually) if everyone has their fork in the left hand they aren’t going to clash elbows with the person next to them if lifting to eat at the same time. It is why all my DC - including the left handed and dyspraxic DC had it drummed into them at school.
And elbows on tables also meant that you would be sitting forward and thus blocking the person on your left from seeing the person on your right (which is rude).
Not saying it’s eighth or wrong, but there is a background to these two ‘rules’

MariaK91 · 26/12/2020 23:13

YANBU As long as you don't talk with your mouth full, chew with your mouth closed and don't spill food everywhere then I honestly don't see the problem with your cutlery skills! If all is good in those departments then it seems a bit nitpicky to worry about things like that.

CanICelebrate · 26/12/2020 23:17

@AcornAutumn I would actually assume @DinoGreen is neither posh nor rich..... possibly new money/ aspiring upper middle class at best.
I work in a very traditionally posh institution and I can’t imagine people there would put licking a plate and knife in left hand in the same category. I’ve just a text a couple of colleagues to ask them and they are properly posh!!

BashfulClam · 26/12/2020 23:18

I do this, I am strongly right handed. If someone comments I tell them it’s preferable to the food ending up in their lap,

stitchy · 26/12/2020 23:19

Being totally honest I think it looks uncouth and it is important to me that my children use cutlery correctly (one is a lefty too although he has always found it easier to control his fork with his dominant left hand anyway). I couldn't care less how anyone else uses a knife and fork though really, life's too short and it's none of my business.

Yeahnahmum · 26/12/2020 23:20

Different hand due to being left handed is fine. Pp mentioning holding knife like a pen. Eek. Not fine.

RandomLondoner · 26/12/2020 23:23

Just to prove that everyone will have someone looking down on them, the snobs on this thread would almost certainly disgust the american poster I read on another forum. According to him, you start off holding you fork in you left hand and knife in your right, but only while you are cutting your food. Then you put down your knife and transfer your fork to your right hand. Then you use the fork in your right hand to transfer the food to you mouth. Then you put the fork down while you chew your food. Anyone who uses a fork in their left hand to transfer food to their mouth and continues to hold it while chewing has skipped several essential steps, and is just a disgusting greedy pig eager to shovel food into their mouth as fast as possible.

AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 23:24

[quote CanICelebrate]**@AcornAutumn* I would actually assume @DinoGreen* is neither posh nor rich..... possibly new money/ aspiring upper middle class at best.
I work in a very traditionally posh institution and I can’t imagine people there would put licking a plate and knife in left hand in the same category. I’ve just a text a couple of colleagues to ask them and they are properly posh!![/quote]
Interesting

Dino reminds me of someone I knew who once asked me if I would be doing "The Season". My father warned me not to mix with her as he guessed she was a snob and he was right!

MispyM · 26/12/2020 23:25

Like another poster, I didn't know elbows on the table was considered rude until I read about it.

It technically is, yes I remember my father reacting rather harshly when I did this as a little girl (4? 5?). I never did it again in his (or any other adult's) presence.

But it ultimately really doesn't matter. Get the food to your mouth and make sure you don't accidentally choke. Anything else is imo rather irrelevant.

And no, I don't lick my plate. That's for the dog. Wink

CanICelebrate · 26/12/2020 23:27

@AcornAutumn I may well be wrong but her attitude is strangely extreme!
By the way I’m not claiming I’m posh at all! I’m quite senior there but because of education and hard work, not poshness!!

AcornAutumn · 26/12/2020 23:28

[quote CanICelebrate]@AcornAutumn I may well be wrong but her attitude is strangely extreme!
By the way I’m not claiming I’m posh at all! I’m quite senior there but because of education and hard work, not poshness!![/quote]
I only had that one posh acquaintance

It scarred me 😂

ChristmasJumpers · 26/12/2020 23:31

I hold my fork in my right hand too. I do cut food a bit funny, more like a press down and drag movement rather then sawing. It doesn't feel right to hold them the other way around but nobody has ever tried to make me or been bothered by it. My DH is the same and my dad held his the correct way but was actually left handed so probably should have held his knife in his left hand!

I don't understand why this would bother anyone?

niki26 · 26/12/2020 23:33

I'm left handed and have always held my fork in left hand and knife in right...I really couldn't imagine holding them the other way round.

My 5 year old is also a leftie but I haven't really noticed what hand she holds her cutlery in - I was more concerned with ensuring she was holding it correctly. I will have a look tomorrow to see!