To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

[Frosty2894]

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

@bookworm14

There are numerous posts stating that holding knife in left hand and fork in right is incorrect, with no explanation as to why. This is offensive to the left handers, like me, who are unable to eat any other way. You wouldn’t (I hope) tell me to write with my right hand, so why is it appalling manners to eat left handed? Literally no one can explain why.

I mentioned this several pages ago. Its to avoid clashing elbows as you cut your food. Im a left hander and have nil issues using my cutlery correctly.

So how to people usually act when you insult then and act like a bitch? Or are all your friends equally as foul as you?

I mentioned this several pages ago.
Its to avoid clashing elbows as you cut your food.
Im a left hander and have nil issues using my cutlery correctly.

I use my for with my right hand and have never 'clashed elbows'. Maybe you're the one who's doing something wrong if it's a frequent problem for you?

But I have never clashed elbows with anyone. What a bizarre thing to say. I cannot physically eat the other way round and this has been the case since I was able to hold a knife and fork. My right hand isn’t strong enough to use the knife accurately. Perhaps I’m just super-left handed or something, but in any case I’m sure people would prefer I ate tidily with my knife in my left hand than made a mess attempting to eat the other way.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

*The thing is table manners are about kindness and respect for others. Sitting next to people chomping with their mouth open, elbowing you, slurping, incorrect use of cutlery etc is unpleasant and poor table manners are insulting to the host/ hostess.*

It might not bother you but I dont want my children to be seen as ill mannered and to struggle in social/formal situations.

I saw it as my job as a parent to ensure they knew how to behave.

I fully agree with you on all of that except for the 'incorrect' cutlery use. The other things are all very unpleasant for fellow diners to have to put up with; the hands in which people hold their cutlery are not even something most people would actually notice (unless they're deliberately looking in order to judge people), much less have any cause to be offended by.

I must confess I have never actually seen anyone do this -cutlery swapped that is. I certainly wouldnt be looking out for it as I had no idea anyone would do it until I read this thread ! Im afraid its difficult to avoid chompers, scrapers and people who eat with their mouths open so its not really a case of sitting there looking for it.

@bookworm14

But I have never clashed elbows with anyone. What a bizarre thing to say. I cannot physically eat the other way round and this has been the case since I was able to hold a knife and fork. My right hand isn’t strong enough to use the knife accurately. Perhaps I’m just super-left handed or something, but in any case I’m sure people would prefer I ate tidily with my knife in my left hand than made a mess attempting to eat the other way.

I’m right handed and if I cut with my right it’s like a massacre. Although dominate there is no real control my handwriting may be slightly nearly over the left but it’s not my strongest hand just preferred hand.

Also never clashed elbows. Surely you are sitting too close.

I mentioned this several pages ago.
Its to avoid clashing elbows as you cut your food.
Im a left hander and have nil issues using my cutlery correctly.

Not many people routinely eat around a round table that's so small that too many people have to be squeezed on to it. If you're already crushed in to too little space, though, you're forced to severely restrict the use of both of your elbows, regardless of which implement you're using in which hand, unless you have a strange habit of swinging your 'fork hand' out wide in a big circle as you lift it to your mouth.

How would you have adapted if you'd had to sit on a long 'form' desk at school - would you have just used your pen 'correctly' in your right hand, so as not to be a bother to those following 'correct' etiquette and using their right hands? You deserve(d) just as much consideration of your needs and what you find comfortable as everybody else is/was of theirs.

@Sharonspoisonedpud

I’m left handed, I cannot use cutlery right handed. What do you suggest I do?

I’m not sure why you think I or other lefties would bump elbows, what are you doing with your elbows when you eat if you’re getting close enough to hit someone?

It's to avoid clashing elbows as you cut your food.

Buy a proper table then.

I'd say squishing your dining companions onto a table that's clearly far too small to accommodate them is arguably far more rude and ill-mannered than holding your cutlery in the "wrong" hands.

I must confess I have never actually seen anyone do this -cutlery swapped that is.
I certainly wouldnt be looking out for it as I had no idea anyone would do it until I read this thread !
Im afraid its difficult to avoid chompers, scrapers and people who eat with their mouths open so its not really a case of sitting there looking for it.

I think we're in agreement, actually! That's the whole point of good manners: not forcing unpleasant experiences on to others who can't help but notice them. As you say, it's perfectly easy to look at people's faces instead of down at their hands, especially if you're aware that the sight of a knife and fork in the 'wrong' hands will be enough to have you reaching for your smelling salts!

And if this ‘bumping elbows’ nonsense is to do with formal dining where you sit close together, it’s still nonsense I’m afraid. I have eaten at formal college dinners when I was at university, and at hotels including the Ritz. At none of these places have I clashed elbows with anyone.

Having said that it's faintly hilarious how many pp are acting like they eat all their meals around vast formal round dining tables with 20 other people.

How many people actually eat like that? Do none of you ever eat alone? Or on the sofa? Or at the kitchen table? Or eat sandwiches?

(ducks to hide flurry of posts insisting they eat all their meals that way and in fact won't even breastfeed anywhere but the dining table, and only after baby has learned the correct way to pass the port.)

@froggywentacarolling

Having said that it's faintly hilarious how many pp are acting like they eat all their meals around vast formal round dining tables with 20 other people.

How many people actually eat like that? Do none of you ever eat alone? Or on the sofa? Or at the kitchen table? Or eat sandwiches?

(ducks to hide flurry of posts insisting they eat all their meals that way and in fact won't even breastfeed anywhere but the dining table, and only after baby has learned the correct way to pass the port.)

We eat on a dastarkhan on the floor, we also eat with our hands. I fear some MNers may faint when they read of this horror.

@froggywentacarolling

It's to avoid clashing elbows as you cut your food.

Buy a proper table then.

I'd say squishing your dining companions onto a table that's clearly far too small to accommodate them is arguably far more rude and ill-mannered than holding your cutlery in the "wrong" hands.

My table is plenty big enough thank you.

Believe it or not I didnt make the rule !!!
Dear god the amount of poorly educated people on this thread is astounding.
You think that I have a very small table so I made up this rule?
Hahaha!!!! Priceless!

remember to, pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side.

Knife and fork reversal doesn't bother me in the slightest but I must admit other things do and I know I'm being judgemental but I can't help but having a little internal sigh if I see a date cut up all their food into mouth sized bites first before starting to eat, or holding a fork in a fist and bringing their whole lower arm level with their face to eat.

Should it matter? Not a jot. I just think it has been so deeply ingrained in me from childhood. But everyone should just own what they do and carry on! I'm sure some people find my clothing not quite feminine enough on some occasions but that's a social expectation that I'm happy to contravene.

Re elbows...did anyone else get told 'All joints on the table shall be eaten'? when they made this mistake?!

@Sharonspoisonedpud

We're poorly educated because we can use our knives and forks in the most comfortable way for us without elbowing people?

I can imagine you sitting next to someone who holds their cutlery the 'wrong' way, purposely elbowing to make a point.

Honestly Sharonspoisonedpud and Janegrey333 I don't understand why you're getting so defensive. Some of the posts here come across as really quite unwordly, and with a certain degree of desperation to be accepted by "posh" people, when in reality this kind of petty squabbling over archaic etiquette is exactly the kind of thing the upper classes deride as "common." (Far more so than using the wrong cutlery.)

Regardless of the reason why this "rule" was originally invented, it simply has no bearing on modern life unless your table is too small, which is bad hosting. If your table is sufficient size then there's no risk of bumping elbows, so the rule no longer has any practical purpose and therefore is archaic.

Besides all these comments saying, "I promise posh people are secretly judging you!!" First, you've clearly not spent all that much time amongst those people. I have, and I've never seen such bad manners. Second, why do you care so much about impressing people who will never accept you and don't give a shit what you think about them? And realistically how often is anyone on this thread eating formal dinners with the aristocracy anyway?

(Lest I am coming across as a frightful snob, I am not. I don't judge anyone by their class, background, disability, or anything else. The upper class members of my own family don't even accept me, since my mum was in immigrant. Fortunately I also don't give a shit.)

remember to, pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side.

Yes this is genuinely important etiquette advice. Thank you for sharing.

My cutlery etiquette is all over the shop and I haven't elbowed anybody yet. I would hate to be responsible for my neighbouring diner slopping their caviar all over the linen.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

*The thing is table manners are about kindness and respect for others. Sitting next to people chomping with their mouth open, elbowing you, slurping, incorrect use of cutlery etc is unpleasant and poor table manners are insulting to the host/ hostess.*

It might not bother you but I dont want my children to be seen as ill mannered and to struggle in social/formal situations.

I saw it as my job as a parent to ensure they knew how to behave.

I fully agree with you on all of that except for the 'incorrect' cutlery use. The other things are all very unpleasant for fellow diners to have to put up with; the hands in which people hold their cutlery are not even something most people would actually notice (unless they're deliberately looking in order to judge people), much less have any cause to be offended by.

Yes, incorrect cutlery use wouldn't bother me at all but the rest would because they are gross

@froggywentacarolling

Honestly Sharonspoisonedpud and Janegrey333 I don't understand why you're getting so defensive. Some of the posts here come across as really quite unwordly, and with a certain degree of desperation to be accepted by "posh" people, when in reality this kind of petty squabbling over archaic etiquette is exactly the kind of thing the upper classes deride as "common." (Far more so than using the wrong cutlery.)

Regardless of the reason why this "rule" was originally invented, it simply has no bearing on modern life unless your table is too small, which is bad hosting. If your table is sufficient size then there's no risk of bumping elbows, so the rule no longer has any practical purpose and therefore is archaic.

Besides all these comments saying, "I promise posh people are secretly judging you!!" First, you've clearly not spent all that much time amongst those people. I have, and I've never seen such bad manners. Second, why do you care so much about impressing people who will never accept you and don't give a shit what you think about them? And realistically how often is anyone on this thread eating formal dinners with the aristocracy anyway?

(Lest I am coming across as a frightful snob, I am not. I don't judge anyone by their class, background, disability, or anything else. The upper class members of my own family don't even accept me, since my mum was in immigrant. Fortunately I also don't give a shit.)

The worst table manners I ever saw were amongst the privately-educated, male rowers at Oxford University. Virtually grabbing food from other students (we had to share side dishes...including roast potatoes, which should be a criminal offence), load guffawing and belching, and generally being thoroughly unpleasant. Most of them went on to work at Slaughter and May and PWC so I doubt it did them any harm.

I do love these threads for showing the I must be seen as posh vs those who may well actually be posh. Basically commoners and actual posh people give no fucks. Those in the middle wishing to not be seen as common give all the fucks.

[quote SimonJT]@Sharonspoisonedpud

I’m left handed, I cannot use cutlery right handed. What do you suggest I do?

I’m not sure why you think I or other lefties would bump elbows, what are you doing with your elbows when you eat if you’re getting close enough to hit someone?[/quote]
Who said anything about hitting? Bumping elbows suggests getting in the way.