To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

[Frosty2894]

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

Oh, and in my own house, I'll normally use a fork or spoon in my right hand to 'shovel', but who cares.

@safariboot

For me, table manners are important and do reflect on people’s upbringing.

Someone's table manners reflect not how they were brought up but by who. Which for some people matters. Britain is less severely racist than the USA, but we are still much more classist. "Manners" and "etiquette" are shibboleths to identify who comes from the wrong background.

that's a good point. some brits like to feel superior generally, eg that we are not so racist as america, so that's all right then....

Screw this correct way crap
If I didn't hold my fork in my right, id get food all over my , I'm useless with my left lol
I lick my knife too.....

If someone judges me for how I hold cutlery, your not worth my time

I've never managed to hold a fork properly or a pen.

Not sure when it started but im neat and tidy when I eat so I don't care.

I tend to use my form to hold the good in place and the knife does all the work.

Now chopsticks on the other hand....I'm sure I would offend anyone that uses the properly.

If you are going to eat places where table manners matter then learn to hold a knife and fork properly. If you aren't ie McDs is the highlight of the week who cares.
We ate in front of the tele as a teen. But I ate in a canteen with other staff (NHS) when I started work so had to sharpish improve my eating habits. I hate noisy slobby eating so it matters to me.

I had my cutlery like you. I don’t think anyone has ever commented and it’s to late for me to change it now.

*hold

I wouldn’t notice that you have the knife in your left hand and fork in the right, but it’s really obvious when people can’t hold them properly or use the knife like a pen. I wouldn’t say anything to your face about it though

This is something that interests me - I have not got an interesting life.

OP and anyone else right handed who uses the knife in their left hand, which hand do you use to butter a slice of bread or cut up a cake? You know if you only have a knife and no fork.

I don’t like it when people hold their knives like pens, I think it looks a bit common and like they haven’t bothered to learn how to hold it properly. Other that that, hold the cutlery however you like.

People always go on about judging as if every single one of us don't do it constantly.

If one of your friends starting turning up to your house in stained clothing with unbrushed hair and snot hanging out of their nose, you'd be fine with it, presumably?

That's a really weird leap. A more realistic comparison would be asking how you would feel if your friend turned up wearing a (clean) navy coat instead of a green one; or greeted you with "Hello" rather than "Good afternoon".

I realise we all judge, but for goodness' sake, at least find something that actually matters and makes any kind of difference before you start judging it.

I don’t like it when people hold their knives like pens, I think it looks a bit common and like they haven’t bothered to learn how to hold it properly.

Don't you think it's also 'common' to be focusing on people's hands when dining/socialising with them? To be honest, I'd find that a lot more socially awkward, if a companion was always staring down at me at table-level rather than meeting my eye between mouthfuls or concentrating on their own food when actually eating.

In fact, I can only assume that those who obsess about this as if it actually mattered and chide others for being different are trying to compensate for a lack of social confidence in their own lives. Content, confident people wouldn't really think to take it upon themselves to care in the first place.

It's a bit like when children are little and learning how to do things by copying an adult: they aren't yet old enough to understand that the adult might be doing something one way, but not necessarily the only way. Before they're able to learn to think for themselves, they will be scared to differ in any way; and will start to pull up other children who don't rigorously conform - either because they think the other child will not succeed to fulfil the task or will meet with the disapproval of the adult, or because they want to show the other child up and win in the 'best child' stakes (it starts at an early age).

They often do the same with jokes, whereby if somebody else tells a joke that they've already heard but with a slightly different and irrelevant minor detail, they will then repeat the entire joke exactly as they know it, because the other person got it 'wrong'. It just seems like a lot of people never properly mature as they grow older.

And what is 'common' anyway? Why is that an insult? Common just means normal, routine, what people tend to do. How is a person living and behaving like a normal person doing something inherently wrong?

I’m left handed and hold my fork in the left hand. As my left hand is dominant, I have a tendency to “tear” with my fork as I’m not so good with my right hand which is holding the the knife. DH comments on it, and it’s something to improve

Interestingly, Debrett’s doesn’t actually specify which hand you must hold your cutlery in, only how they should be laid out, or how you should eat fork-only foods.

www.debretts.com/expertise/etiquette/table-manners/table-rules/

I presume that those claiming they have such exceptional table manners follow all of this including always eating dessert with a fork and a spoon, and that salt must not be sprinkled over food but added to the side of the plate, even from a grinder?

This is my favourite though:
Make sure others have been offered anything they might want from the table, such as butter, water, salt or pepper. Help yourself last and never stretch across people. When things are out of reach or have not been passed along, ask a neighbour if they are going to have whatever it is, as a hint, or simply ask them to pass it (traditionally, it was bad manners to ask to be passed the salt).

An entire table of people wanting to be last to help themselves, and hinting that they want something passed to them, as if this is more polite than politely asking for something to be passed to you.

@EugenesAxe

I'm really surprised people are picking on you for just holding your knife and fork the wrong way round. I only have issues with the following kinds of cutlery holding:

• people who wrap their entire fist around the handles, especially
• people who scoop with their fork turned upwards, while gripping with all fingers wrapped around the handle
• people who balance their handles in the crook between index finger and thumb

The only way to hold cutlery is to have the end of the handle in the palm and the index finger extended, but it doesn't matter which hand this is done with.

This is talking about knives and forks of course... bit different for eating with spoons.

Do you eat pasta and rice with the tines pointing down, too? Or do you do the sensible thing and use the curvature of the fork to scoop?

I try to not let this bother me but it does. DH decided at some point to eat the ‘American’ way - although holds knife at the same time. DS1 holds cutlery properly (but is prone to not closing mouth), DS2 holds knife like a pen (arghhhhh) and DD has decided latterly to copy DH. I hold cutlery the conventional way. I am ‘rude’ if I comment so I seethe quietly. I have tried to explain to all of them that they will be silently judged in some circles. It’s not held any of them back to date (professional jobs, travel, uni etc etc) so will have to accept this is my hang up not theirs.

@SinkGirl

It sort of implies it with There are foods that are eaten with just a fork, including some pasta and some fish. In this case use the fork in the right hand

Do you eat pasta and rice with the tines pointing down, too? Or do you do the sensible thing and use the curvature of the fork to scoop?

I use whatever is laid out, if it is a knife and fork then yes I use them both and the fork tines will be down. If I have been given just a fork then it will be in my right hand with the tines up.

I didn’t say it didn’t imply it, I said it doesn’t explicitly state it as a rule which must never be broken (perhaps even Debrett’s acknowledges handedness) as it does with many other things. I sincerely doubt that those criticising follow the rules which are explicitly laid out here to the letter.

I also do this and remember a horrible uncle trying to force me to swap hands. I couldn’t actually eat that way.
You’re not alone!

OP, you can hold your cutlery upside down if you so wish and be happy as a Larry, however, be aware, that your social class/status is instantly obvious to anyone within a mile radius.
Not that that should bother you of course.

I think you should do it however you want. Although I think the “correct” way is the method that gives you most control. That shouldn’t matter with just switching hands though.

My ds is left handed. Holds his knife and fork in the usual hands but once my uncle objected to me putting his water glass on the left hand side!

I was brought up to believe that it is unsavoury to bring criticism to the table...

however, be aware, that your social class/status is instantly obvious to anyone within a mile radius.

Given the number of posters on here who says it doesn't matter or they don't notice it I think only snobs would notice it. I don't think they appreciate that someone whose left hand is the dominant hand would probably eat very clumsily using what is to them the "wrong hands". And surely that would invite more comment?

I use whatever is laid out, if it is a knife and fork then yes I use them both and the fork tines will be down.

Even for something like a risotto or spaghetti? That's just weird.

I do think that table manners matter, same as politeness and general manners, and I'm sure many of us silently judge others on these matters. If you were brought up to use your cutlery in a non-standard way then I guess it might be hard to change it. What's more important regarding table manners is not playing about with your food, not slurping and chomping, not talking with your mouth full. My PILs both eat in a most peculiar way, no doubt with MIL copying from FIL over the years, 'patting' all the food down with the back of the fork between mouthfuls, and after each pat, carefully arranging it all so it goes into an ever decreasing circle in the exact centre of the plate. Yes I do find it horrible, but try not to look, and am glad when the meal is over.

Do all those who say OP is being unreasonable endorse forcing kids who are left handed to write with their right hand as it doesn’t conform to their standards as they did in the not too distant past?
I wouldn’t dream of commenting on the eating habits of others, unless of course their food was flying all over. Get a life and concentrate on things that really matter instead of belittling others.