To think it doesn’t really matter how I hold my cutlery.

[Frosty2894]

With all the things going on in the world right now, I’m writing a post about how we hold cutlery.

I remember being told I’m cack handed by my grandmother when I was a child 🤨 she didn’t say it in a nasty way but said she was similar.

I’m right handed. I hold my fork in my right hand and knife in left. This is the way I’ve always done it and felt comfortable, was never told or taught the correct way.

For years my partner has joked about how I can’t hold a knife and fork properly and even mentioned trying it the other way. I’ve tried - it doesn’t feel right to me. He told me that his mother would probably tell me to switch hands as it’s her ‘pet gate’. We’ve been together for 9 years. He’s not mentioned it for a while (until tonight) and I’ve avoided eating in front of his mother as much as possible else I feel paranoid. Feel like I’m being watched!

Generally my table manners are okay I think. I’m not a complete slob when It comes to eating or anything!

Aibu to think it really doesn’t matter? Partner has mentioned it tonight and does it really bleddy matter?!

@Popsicle007

Do all those who say OP is being unreasonable endorse forcing kids who are left handed to write with their right hand as it doesn’t conform to their standards as they did in the not too distant past? I wouldn’t dream of commenting on the eating habits of others, unless of course their food was flying all over. Get a life and concentrate on things that really matter instead of belittling others.

I spent the first half of my childhood in Pakistan, their views are similar to the people on here who believe certain tasks are for the right hand and certain tasks are for the left.

I’m left handed, I was forced to write with my right hand, as a result my writing was completely illegible to adults and me. I was also forced to eat with my right hand, as a result most food ended up on my clothes or cloth rather than in my mouth.

Weird how many people think me getting food everywhere and struggling to get it into my mouth is considered well mannered, yet eating neatly is considered bad manners in the UK.

When I moved to the UK it was noted very quickly at school that I was left handed, within the first term I could write clearly and neatly (for an eight year old). But was writing with my left hand wasn’t ‘proper’ or the ‘done thing’ I still had to write with my right hand at home as using your left hand is gunaah, essentially a sin.

Frankly, you’re right. It doesn’t matter in the total scheme of things, particularly now in a world of pandemic.

As long as you have food, even if you used your hands to eat it, what does it matter?

However, if you’re living in a world of social niceties, your table manners are important. If you’re happy though to be rebellious about having good table manners and are not embarrassed to buck traditional norms, go right ahead. However, then you also need to be prepared for your DH (or others you’re eating with in future) to be embarrassed by your table manners as you’re purposefully ignoring etiquette.

As regards your child with Special needs, I would think you’d prefer to teach them social norms where you could so they feel more inclusive. If course that’s not always possible and shouldn’t be expected if their special needs make it too difficult to feed themselves. The importance being they're able to feed themselves as opposed to being restricted on being even attempted to be taught proper table manners because their mother feels she’d like to ignore social etiquette.

It matters.

however, be aware, that your social class/status is instantly obvious to anyone within a mile radius.

What's that old saying? Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

It matters.

If it matters to you, then you make sure you follow it assiduously.

Others can, of course, make their own value judgments and decisions likewise as to whether it matters to them or not.

However, if you’re living in a world of social niceties, your table manners are important. If you’re happy though to be rebellious about having good table manners and are not embarrassed to buck traditional norms, go right ahead. However, then you also need to be prepared for your DH (or others you’re eating with in future) to be embarrassed by your table manners as you’re purposefully ignoring etiquette.

How is it a nicety to criticise others for how they hold their cutlery? Holding to strict arbitrary standards of 'etiquette' is not an alternative to treating others with kindness and respect.

As for manners, they relate to avoiding unpleasant things like talking with your mouth full and spitting food all over people - not visibly shuddering like some anally retentive prim dowager duchess when you see somebody eating normally, but with their cutlery in the opposite hands to you.

Anybody who would attempt to make me feel embarrassment for a particular way of holding cutlery in my hands and treat me like a social pariah would not be a person who registers as of any importance on my radar. Embarrassment over anything is for me to decide to feel or not, not for you to project on to me.

I'm laughing at all the people pretending desperately to be posh.

I only have one hand, meaning I eat exclusively with a fork in my right hand. My father's family were titled, I grew up with people who are titled. I've eaten at High Table at Cambridge (my dad was at Trinity) many times. I was supposed to go to Buckingham Palace this past May as boyfriend was awarded a gong (postponed due to COVID).

I guarantee no one in those circles would dream of judging someone for having a disability or struggling with "correct" use of cutlery.

Obsessing over etiquette and shaming people for not having "correct" etiquette is the single largest cultural signifier of being lower middle class. It's pure Hyacinth Bucket.

I don't think I would have much in common with anyone who judges left handers or people who hold their knife in their left hand.

I say that as a right handed person who does use their cutlery "properly" I am completely baffled why these social snobs would prefer someone to use their cutlery cack handedly.

It's simply outdated, discriminatory etiquette, not bad manners - and pure snobbery.

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

Exactly

Oh and genuinely wealthy "posh" people tend to be well-travelled, and experienced and open-minded about other cultures and therefore know how varied different concepts of good manners and good table manners can be. I've lived in five countries over three continents, and travelled very widely when young. (Which I realise makes me very privileged.)

Blathering on about English middle class etiquette rules as though they are universal just makes you sound like you've never left Milton Keynes.

Wouldn't really bother me but I'd just think no one had ever taught you proper table manners.

It just seems like a lot of people never properly mature as they grow older.

Agreed!

And what is 'common' anyway? Why is that an insult? Common just means normal, routine, what people tend to do. How is a person living and behaving like a normal person doing something inherently wrong?

Couldn't agree more. Was going to say something but didn't have the strength. You said it better anyway.

@SaltyTootsieToes

Frankly, you’re right. It doesn’t matter in the total scheme of things, particularly now in a world of pandemic.

As long as you have food, even if you used your hands to eat it, what does it matter?

However, if you’re living in a world of social niceties, your table manners are important. If you’re happy though to be rebellious about having good table manners and are not embarrassed to buck traditional norms, go right ahead. However, then you also need to be prepared for your DH (or others you’re eating with in future) to be embarrassed by your table manners as you’re purposefully ignoring etiquette.

As regards your child with Special needs, I would think you’d prefer to teach them social norms where you could so they feel more inclusive. If course that’s not always possible and shouldn’t be expected if their special needs make it too difficult to feed themselves. The importance being they're able to feed themselves as opposed to being restricted on being even attempted to be taught proper table manners because their mother feels she’d like to ignore social etiquette.

Fuck off, I'm not trying to be rebellious I'm just eating the way that is more physically comfortable to me.

@MrsHugsxx

Wouldn't really bother me but I'd just think no one had ever taught you proper table manners.

Did no one ever teach you not to be a judgemental bint?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Ooh, can't even copy and paste anymore. Too many! Just 👏 👏 at all of your posts. My thoughts exactly!

I guarantee no one in those circles would dream of judging someone for having a disability or struggling with "correct" use of cutlery.

Obsessing over etiquette and shaming people for not having "correct" etiquette is the single largest cultural signifier of being lower middle class. It's pure Hyacinth Bucket.

@froggywentacarolling 👏👏 and to all of your posts too. I remember you from a different thread as well. I love people who use common sense.

This thread is in the ‘news’ today

Oh god, not this again.

I am left handed and eat with my knife in my left hand and fork in right because I cannot physically eat the other way round. Not one person outside Mumsnet has ever commented on it. I have never seen a satisfactory explanation as to why eating with knife in left hand (but otherwise neatly and tidily, not holding knife like a pen, etc) is bad table manners. It is a made-up rule and anyone who pays it any attention is an embarrassing, lower middle class Hyacinth Bucket.

Give your DP a plate of chips and just a fork. Most people put the fork in their right hand when using a fork alone.

I have always suspected that it's women who tend to care about and police the eating 'etiquette' of other people. I doubt this thread would go on for as long in a male-dominated forum.

@DinoGreen

You asked, I answered 🤷‍♀️ To all those commenting in horror, if I were eating with you I wouldn’t comment or force you to swap as someone up thread suggested! That would be equally bad manners. But I would silently judge. It’s not remotely the same as writing left handed IMO. Writing is something you do with one hand, eating with cutlery requires the use of both.

But I do use both, just reversed! What do you think people are actually referring to? I literally eat the same way as you but with the utensils in the opposite hands.

@froggywentacarolling

You appear not to have an original thought. Your use of the handy Hyacinth Bouquet cliché is an excellent example of that. Clearly you are playing to the gallery and collecting those:👏🏻.

Do bear in mind that people do not have to voice in order to judge - and judge they will. You can “guarantee” nothing.

Please can those who think that using your knife in your left hand is so bad. What exactly is so rude about it? Why is it "wrong"?

@Ginfordinner

Please can those who think that using your knife in your left hand is so bad. What exactly is so rude about it? Why is it "wrong"?

They can never explain this. I sometimes think they are picturing something else in their heads when they rail about what ‘bad manners’ it is. It is literally eating normally but with the knife in left hand and fork in right. Nothing else.

@Ginfordinner

Please can those who think that using your knife in your left hand is so bad. What exactly is so rude about it? Why is it "wrong"?

Using your knife ‘correctly’ in your dominant hand makes cutting food easier and more efficient. If you use a knife in the non dominant hand and hold it like a pencil, you are more likely to be dragging your food apart and have less control, leading to scraping noises and potentially splatter.

Using your knife ‘correctly’ in your dominant hand makes cutting food easier and more efficient. If you use a knife in the non dominant hand and hold it like a pencil, you are more likely to be dragging your food apart and have less control, leading to scraping noises and potentially splatter.

But this is exactly why I hold my knife in my left hand - I’m left handed! And I don’t hold it like a pencil. So again, what is wrong with holding your knife in your left hand?