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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My selfish family

104 replies

GarytheRedNosedUnicorn · 26/12/2020 16:13

My Mum is an 84 year old widow, living in Dartford, Tier 4. She has gone to stay with my sister in Surrey (also tier 4). From 23rd Dec to 27th. She thinks it’s justified as she’s not going by public transport and won’t be leaving the house. My sister has not been isolating, going to the supermarket everyday. Added to which, my sisters two kids, who live in Bromley and Wood Green went over to stay on Christmas Eve and will leave on Monday. My mother is insistent she won’t get it. I have been doing all her online shopping throughout, since March, and been looking out for her. I have lost my job as a result of industry closures and told her that the family’s selfish behaviour would only prolong lockdown. She took complete umbrage and told me I was only looking for an atguement. The dreadful thing is, there will tens of thousands of families doing this up and down the country, and we will take longer to come back from this. AIBU to be really sad and frustrated at people blatantly breaking the rules, thinking they are above them, and putting others at risk?

OP posts:
DorisDaisyMay · 26/12/2020 16:30

I don't really understand what the problem is? As a single woman, your mother is allowed to join another family, as a support bubble.

Is it because you have been looking after her you feel that you have more of a say over her actions?

Unfortunately, you can only control your own behaviour and actions, stressing about other people (your family first and then expanding that to incorporate the whole country), will lead to anxiety that anyone is better without.

Original poster
GarytheRedNosedUnicorn · 26/12/2020 16:53

A single person is allowed to join another household, and ignore the stay local rules, travelling over 50 miles and join with another 3 households?
No, I don’t think I have any say over what she should do. I was asking aibu to be feeling frustrated at people’s actions. Actually I can get get concerned (not quite so dramatic as being ‘stressed’) at people ignoring the rules. The longer that people do as they please, the numbers will keep rising, and many more businesses will go under, and people will be without jobs.
That is avoidable, but some people just don’t care.

OP posts:
Dotinthecity · 26/12/2020 17:00

I think spending time with elderly people this Christmas is the right thing to do. They are vulnerable to lots of things, illnesses, trips/falls and other hazards. People should give them hugs and invite them into their homes whilst they still can. Sorry, that’s probably not what you want to hear but when a healthy but very elderly parent has a fall in their home out of the blue and never recovers, it makes you cherish the memory of the hugs you gave them and time you spent with them. Life isn’t just to be preserved, it’s to be lived.

Chloemol · 26/12/2020 17:20

@DorisDaisyMay

Read the guidelines for T4. Yes as a single person she could bubble with the daughter she has gone to, but would then have to stay with that bubble, is that daughter going to look after her from Surre6 to Dartford? I think not

In T4 you are not to meet with any other family, or stay overnight have you not seen the other posts in her with people pissed off about it?

In T4 the sister can’t have her children to stay etc etc

The op has every right to feel pissed off m it’s people like her sister and mother that will cause T4 to continue for far longer and for more people

My family live locally, we didn’t see each other yesterday although normally we would all meet on Christmas day

Lemons1571 · 26/12/2020 17:23

Is your Mother in a support bubble with your sister? Or with you?

bigbluebus · 26/12/2020 17:23

I agree it has been replicated by many more people. I could name quite a few family members and friends where people have ignored the rules and travelled out of area (including T4) and stayed overnight and continue to do so outside even the original permitted dates. And these are people who have previously been compliant.
Add to them the people I've seen on social media who are openly flaunting their family gatherings of more than 3 households and beyond Christmas day then I'm pretty sure our T2 area will be in T4 very soon.

Barmyfarmy · 26/12/2020 17:49

@Dotinthecity

I think spending time with elderly people this Christmas is the right thing to do. They are vulnerable to lots of things, illnesses, trips/falls and other hazards. People should give them hugs and invite them into their homes whilst they still can. Sorry, that’s probably not what you want to hear but when a healthy but very elderly parent has a fall in their home out of the blue and never recovers, it makes you cherish the memory of the hugs you gave them and time you spent with them. Life isn’t just to be preserved, it’s to be lived.
Truly the best stupid Mumsnet comment of this entire year.

'Just hug and breathe all over very vulnerable people and give them a deadly virus that is mutating and becoming more deadly faster than ever, they deserve it for meaning so much to you' Grin

OptimisticSix · 26/12/2020 17:55

Just for another side my elderly parents are in tier 4 and were due to come to us but decided to follow the rules. Dad had a fall late last night and is now in hospital and mum is on her own. Honestly I wish they had ignored the rules and been here Sad

donnager · 26/12/2020 18:00

She's trying to form a bubble. Travelling between tiers of course isn't encouraged but a lot of people don't have that bubble local so it's not something against the guidelines. I think yabu and no they aren't being selfish if they are comfortable with the risks etc.

countbackfromten · 26/12/2020 18:03

YANBU OP but I bet anything many will say you are and this is why this virus is spreading as rapidly as it is at the moment. No one wants the restrictions but it is all that we have at the moment to stop this virus spreading so rapidly.

countbackfromten · 26/12/2020 18:07

Oh and everyone who is ok with it - are you also ok with your relatives contracting covid, struggling to get enough oxygen into their bloodstream, needing a tight mask to blow oxygen in or even worse needing someone like me to come along, give them lots of drugs and paralyse them whilst putting a breathing tube in and then having to have a ventilator breathe from them? Potentially days of being turned onto their front carefully whilst we struggle to get oxygen in? The resultant blood clots in lungs, strokes, heart damage, kidney damage.

And that sadly many of those will not survive. Are you really ok with that? Because I’m an anaesthetist and intensive care doctor and I’m not ok with that.

Dotinthecity · 26/12/2020 18:07

@Barmyfarmy not at all stupid, just another opinion. Not everyone thinks the same way. What I stated is a fact. You obviously don’t agree but my opinion is no more “stupid” than yours. Many thanks for the accolade though! 😉

LadyLightning · 26/12/2020 18:20

Well said countbackfromten! There are a lot of people ignoring the rules completely or using them as a starting point and then negotiating with them. As the Welsh minister said, you just need to follow the rules, and not pick and choose which ones you like. Yes, this will prolong lockdown. And make it more likely that NHS provisions will become overloaded.

Barmyfarmy · 26/12/2020 18:23

[quote Dotinthecity]@Barmyfarmy not at all stupid, just another opinion. Not everyone thinks the same way. What I stated is a fact. You obviously don’t agree but my opinion is no more “stupid” than yours. Many thanks for the accolade though! 😉[/quote]
You've just proved my point by referring to your post as both a fact and an opinion. Truly incredible. You've outdone yourself! Your trophy should arrive in 3-5 business days Grin

Imapotato · 26/12/2020 18:25

They’re all adults that can make their own choices. I’m not of the mindset that Covid is a myth (I couldn’t possibly be in my job) but I’m not sure that isolating the elderly is the best thing in the long run due to lots of other factors.

I’m just letting people make their own choices and not judging.

BrummyMum1 · 26/12/2020 18:50

I get what you’re saying OP. I went out of my way to do lots of shopping for an elderly relative to find she was lying and breaking the covid rules regularly. I think you’d feel better if you stopped doing her shopping and just let her get on with it.

RuggerHug · 26/12/2020 18:53

I mean, she's 84, she's your Mam and I get she's probably sick of it all(who isn't?). But your sister is responsible for everything regarding her care/shopping and all now.

Lemmeout · 26/12/2020 18:57

Is your nose sore from poking it into places it doesn’t belong?

Wheresyourclapham · 26/12/2020 18:58

countbackfromten
‘Oh and everyone who is ok with it - are you also ok with your relatives contracting covid, struggling to get enough oxygen into their bloodstream, needing a tight mask to blow oxygen in or even worse needing someone like me to come along, give them lots of drugs and paralyse them whilst putting a breathing tube in and then having to have a ventilator breathe from them? Potentially days of being turned onto their front carefully whilst we struggle to get oxygen in? The resultant blood clots in lungs, strokes, heart damage, kidney damage.

And that sadly many of those will not survive. Are you really ok with that? Because I’m an anaesthetist and intensive care doctor and I’m not ok with that.’

^This

Unfortunately, most people are selfish.
Just leave them to get on with it and continue to protect yourself as best as you can.

Wheresyourclapham · 26/12/2020 19:01

Lemmeout
‘Is your nose sore from poking it into places it doesn’t belong?’

It’s her Mother! Of course the OP is allowed to poke her nose in her 84 year old Mother’s business!

Wheresyourclapham · 26/12/2020 19:03

OP - is your going to be responsible for everything regarding her care/shopping and all now?

Wheresyourclapham · 26/12/2020 19:04

*OP - is your Sister going to be responsible for everything regarding her care/shopping and all now?

Dotinthecity · 26/12/2020 19:05

@Barmyfarmy ah, bless you! 😉

Original poster
GarytheRedNosedUnicorn · 26/12/2020 19:07

@Wheresyourclapham

*OP - is your Sister going to be responsible for everything regarding her care/shopping and all now?
No I’ll still do her shopping. I’m not going to stop as some kind of punishment for what she’s done. Just hope that she doesn’t come down with the virus seeing as they have had all four corners of the south east staying in the same house.
OP posts:
PimlicoJo · 26/12/2020 19:09

I understand your frustration OP. We're in Tier 4 and have had to cancel all our plans and not seen any family over Xmas. And tonight on social media I see lots of people (also in T4) with photos of their 'amazing family Xmas'.

Your sister is wrong to have hosted your mum in this way and put her at risk, particularly in an area where rates are high and rising fast. You must be very worried.

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