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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My selfish family

104 replies

GarytheRedNosedUnicorn · 26/12/2020 16:13

My Mum is an 84 year old widow, living in Dartford, Tier 4. She has gone to stay with my sister in Surrey (also tier 4). From 23rd Dec to 27th. She thinks it’s justified as she’s not going by public transport and won’t be leaving the house. My sister has not been isolating, going to the supermarket everyday. Added to which, my sisters two kids, who live in Bromley and Wood Green went over to stay on Christmas Eve and will leave on Monday. My mother is insistent she won’t get it. I have been doing all her online shopping throughout, since March, and been looking out for her. I have lost my job as a result of industry closures and told her that the family’s selfish behaviour would only prolong lockdown. She took complete umbrage and told me I was only looking for an atguement. The dreadful thing is, there will tens of thousands of families doing this up and down the country, and we will take longer to come back from this. AIBU to be really sad and frustrated at people blatantly breaking the rules, thinking they are above them, and putting others at risk?

OP posts:
Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 20:55

I completely agree with u makes my so angry my family in tier 3 have had my nan nearly 90 anf my brother and his gf who work in hospital round for dinner, im in tier 4 been stuck at home since Sunday been out once for food shopping and yesterday for walk. Just infuriating, and they r firstvto moan about restrictions

Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 20:57

@Bluemooninmyeyes1

And this is where common sense needs to prevail. A load of 20 year olds attending illegal raves and hosting covid parties- fair enough, judge away. But a vulnerable elderly woman choosing to spend Christmas with family in her support bubble- completely justified and understandable. She obviously thought fuck it, it could be my last Christmas I’d rather risk my chances with covid than being alone, isolated and miserable for god knows how long- fair play to her. It’s very easy for most of us who have spent Christmas with at least some family to judge others who are completely alone with the attitude that they need to stay isolated and probably very depressed and lonely in order to ‘save lives’.
Its not an extended support bubble though, u have one family and not staying over its completely ignoring the rules u cant claim ita support bubble if their r more than 2 families togethet. Tier 4 has no families meeting at all
Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 20:58

A person living alone Spending Christmas with another family is completely alllowed a support bubble, that other family also inviting other people around the house and them sleeping over is not allowed i do not understand how this is so difficult for people to understand

countbackfromten · 26/12/2020 20:59

I have spent Christmas completely alone. So not judging anyone by higher standard than I expect myself to hold up.

Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 21:00

I know why its same reason why my family r ignoring the rules its they are selfish and choosing not to follow rules cause they think they know better.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/12/2020 21:04

Its depressing that over a third of people think that breaking the rules and mixing of multiple households in a very high risk area is ok because 'she is old' and 'Christmas'. Yes the government has fucked this whole thing up but we are really not helping ourselves here, one of the reasons it's got so bad is because apparently almost half the population think the rules dont apply to them

If people stopped mixing, the virus wouldn't spread

Yummymummy2020 · 26/12/2020 21:04

You are not unreasonable at all to be bothered by this!

Beautifulbonnie · 26/12/2020 21:07

@GintyMcGinty

YABU

She is allowed to form a support bubble with your sister as a single person. She can also end a support bubble if she wants to.

It's an allowed exception for travel.

They've done nothing wrong.

She's an adult and can make her own decisions.

It's great you've done her shopping.

Not quite right

Yes she can form a support bubble with this daughter. But then that daughter has to stay in her support bubble.

They are also in tier 4. So it could only be the one daughter and that’s it. She would t of been allowed her daughters to visit also. On Xmas day etc. So the other daughter wouldn’t be allowed to food shop with her etc.

Beautifulbonnie · 26/12/2020 21:08

@countbackfromten

Hugs. I’ve seen people die of Covid. When I was told on here that I was dramatic.

It’s a losing battle. It is.

Frauhubert · 26/12/2020 21:12

Naaaah bot going to read TWFT! Its so boring

Northernstar1245 · 26/12/2020 21:13

I agree with you OP.

60 odd million ‘oh this will be OK, it’s only once, only one extra person, only one extra trip...’ adds up to a giant mess.

Jojojo32 · 26/12/2020 21:16

She's 84, maybe she wants to enjoy Xmas while she can, I would be heartbroken if my mum was at home alone and it was the last Christmas she had.....

yoyo1234 · 26/12/2020 21:27

YANBU

Just want to repeat Countbackfromten

Oh and everyone who is ok with it - are you also ok with your relatives contracting covid, struggling to get enough oxygen into their bloodstream, needing a tight mask to blow oxygen in or even worse needing someone like me to come along, give them lots of drugs and paralyse them whilst putting a breathing tube in and then having to have a ventilator breathe from them? Potentially days of being turned onto their front carefully whilst we struggle to get oxygen in? The resultant blood clots in lungs, strokes, heart damage, kidney damage.

And that sadly many of those will not survive. Are you really ok with that? Because I’m an anaesthetist and intensive care doctor and I’m not ok with that.

Mittens030869 · 26/12/2020 21:31

I think the key point here is that the OP and her family are in tier 4, where it is against the rules for households to mix, and that wasn’t relaxed for Christmas. If her mum was celebrating Christmas with a household she was bubbling with, that would have been in the rules, but that wasn’t the case.

There is a good reason for the tier 4 restrictions. There’s a new variant of Covid that’s spreading rapidly and it’s an attempt to stop the spread. (Although it does seem to be a case of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted now, sadly.)

nicky7654 · 26/12/2020 21:32

Good for her! She won't of had a lonely Xmas twiddling her thumbs. She is more than capable to make her own decisions just like.my mother.

Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 21:43

@nicky7654

Good for her! She won't of had a lonely Xmas twiddling her thumbs. She is more than capable to make her own decisions just like.my mother.
She could of followed the rules bubbling with the household and not be twiddling her thumbs , yes good for her why dont everyone just mix with multiple households and just spread the virus then just everyone get it and completely overwhelm the nhs🤦🏼‍♀️😠
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 26/12/2020 21:50

@yoyo1234 there is no guarantee that there will ever be a vaccine that’s 100% effective and they might keep discovering new variants. What do you suggest people do, just stay at home alone forever living in fear?

Bizawit · 26/12/2020 21:51

@countbackfromten

I have spent Christmas completely alone. So not judging anyone by higher standard than I expect myself to hold up.
Are you 84 years old.

🙄

Bizawit · 26/12/2020 21:59

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

Its depressing that over a third of people think that breaking the rules and mixing of multiple households in a very high risk area is ok because 'she is old' and 'Christmas'. Yes the government has fucked this whole thing up but we are really not helping ourselves here, one of the reasons it's got so bad is because apparently almost half the population think the rules dont apply to them

If people stopped mixing, the virus wouldn't spread

What’s depressing is that 9 months into this dystopian nightmare , the majority of people are still not only ok with “the rules” , but in favour of them enough to harshly judge/ begrudge an 84 year old woman for spending Christmas with her family. Disgusting society of people we have come.
yoyo1234 · 26/12/2020 22:03

Right now I think it is beneficial to a lot of society to act to try to stop the spread of the virus (all varients). We have a vaccine ( and no vaccine has 100% efficacy and no vaccine can be given to everyone- why a previous poster thought I had to be told the former is Confused). The vaccine is being rolled out ( a number of my family have had their first dose) lots are getting tired of the restrictions but hopefully all doing our best ( and following the rules can help) will curb the spread.

Whyisitsodifficult · 26/12/2020 22:04

@Bluemooninmyeyes1

And this is where common sense needs to prevail. A load of 20 year olds attending illegal raves and hosting covid parties- fair enough, judge away. But a vulnerable elderly woman choosing to spend Christmas with family in her support bubble- completely justified and understandable. She obviously thought fuck it, it could be my last Christmas I’d rather risk my chances with covid than being alone, isolated and miserable for god knows how long- fair play to her. It’s very easy for most of us who have spent Christmas with at least some family to judge others who are completely alone with the attitude that they need to stay isolated and probably very depressed and lonely in order to ‘save lives’.
Absolutely this. She’s 84 for fucks sake, why should she spend Christmas on her own! Even if she does contract Covid it doesn’t mean she’s dead! The cure can’t be worse than the disease. Good on your mum, who knows how long she’s got left here and she has made the decision to enjoy that time left.
dietingtomorrow · 26/12/2020 22:04

You are not being unreasonable at all, op.
The virus is mutating and becoming more transmissible.
People can have it, tramit it, and never know.
There are strict laws but our incompetent government are unable to enforce them (too few police or local goverment officers on the ground now)
Arguments involving "it's their choice" and "it might be their last Christmas" are being used to justify gatherings that are actually criminal!
Others are stretching and distorting the rules as they claim the right to "make their own decisions" about meet-ups.
No-one has that right, as we are all interconnected and therefore the law-breakers decisions affect many others.
Imagine if , in ww2, people had decided that they didn't fancy putting up black-out blinds, because this was an infringement of their human rights and it was "their choice". We are in a war now, except that this one has already killed more people than the number of civilians killed in ww2, and this time the enemy is invisible, silent and stealthy.

XelaM · 26/12/2020 22:09

@Dotinthecity

"I think spending time with elderly people this Christmas is the right thing to do. They are vulnerable to lots of things, illnesses, trips/falls and other hazards. People should give them hugs and invite them into their homes whilst they still can. Sorry, that’s probably not what you want to hear but when a healthy but very elderly parent has a fall in their home out of the blue and never recovers, it makes you cherish the memory of the hugs you gave them and time you spent with them. Life isn’t just to be preserved, it’s to be lived."

This 100%!!

OP - It could be your mum's last Christmas and spending it alone is awful. It's not like at her age she has the best years of her life still ahead of her. Let her enjoy her family while she still can.

Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 22:39

SHE DOESNT NEED TO SPEND IT ALONE IF SHE IS IN A BUBBLE MY GOD WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND!!!!

Duggeehugs82 · 26/12/2020 22:41

The fact this went beyond a bubble when other household just was inviting others which isnt allowed in tier 4!!!!!!