Uninvited for Christmas

[sproutsofwrath]

AIBU?

Feeling a bit cross.
Invited in early December, by boyfriend of 6 months, to go round to his brother's house on Christmas evening for drinks and nibbles.

I'm a single parent and have shared care of my children.
With these plans in mind I:

• Cooked an early Christmas dinner for myself, boyfriend and kids on Christmas Eve.
• Made arrangement for the kids to go to their dad at 4pm on Christmas Day (they normally go on Boxing Day)
• Bought really nice gifts for all of boyfriends family.

A couple of days prior to Christmas I gave gifts to BF to give to his family, so they could put under their tree for the morning.

The next day his brothers appears with gifts from them.
He says "Have a lovely Christmas!"
I say " Yes - looking forward to seeing you on the day"
He says "We'll see what happens"!!
I say "Right, Ok thanks for the gifts"

Ask BF later what's going on? I thought we had plans?
He seems oblivious to the fact I've been uninvited.
He says it because of coronavirus - but me and BF are in a support bubble, so we wouldn't be breaking any rules by going.

I don't make a fuss because its Christmas - but he still goes that day to his brother's.

They only live up the road, so I face-time him on the day - hoping they'll invite me up for a drink, but they don't and its awkward on the phone.

I sat on my own on Christmas evening feeling a bit upset.

BF came back later that evening and asked if he could come and 'cuddle' - I said no as was feeling a bit upset to be honest.

BF has posted a massive thing on facebook saying what a nice day he had at his brother's (without me).
No photos or post about our Christmas Eve together being nice.

Told him I'm having a few days to myself as I think his family have been unkind to uninvite me.

He agrees with me that he didn't think it was a nice thing to do and can understand why I'm upset.

He says his family do like me and want to meet up another time, but I feel too awkward to do so now.

Also upset that I could have had the Christmas Day Evening with my children.

AIBU to be upset by this and to refuse future invites?

My starting point would be do my DC have a reasonable expectation that in these circumstances I would spend time with and prioritise them? If the answer is yes, and Christmas Day it most certainly should be their expectation then that’s where I draw the line. except it is actually unlikely to be their expectation and it’s a bit naive to think that it should be.

The kids have two parents, given they spend time with both and their dad actually has agreed to have them early, their expectation is more likely to be that they would see both their parents on Christmas Day, which they then did.

The kids might have had a ball in fact, and people saying the OP has dumped her kids

Sorry hit post too soon. People saying the OP dumped her kids is nothing more than projection on their part.

I don’t think they have behaved badly at all, and refusing all invitations would be ridiculous. He, on the other hand, should have said to you “Oh, David’s having second thoughts about Christmas now, because of the virus. So I’ll come here in the evening instead.”

And why do you think you can form a support bubble? Does he live alone and see no one else apart from you? OP is a single parent. She therefore can form a support bubble.

Wow you put your boyfriend ahead of spending more time with your kids ! Hopefully you have learnt your lesson

@DressingGownofDoom

Lesson learned, don't drop your kids for your boyfriend of 6 months.

This

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

You got rid of the kids for a BF of 6 months? You chose some one else over your own kids. This should be a lesson for you. Put your kids first ffs

I’m amazed, given the virus and SD etc, that people manage to date let alone know each other well enough to stay over especially with children involved.

Moving Christmas lunch to the day before and disrupting their usual routine for a new boyfriend seems madness.

Tier 4 aside it wasn’t handled with tact or kindness

I think your BF has problems communicating clearly and doesn't understand the planning that needs to happen when you have kids.

I'm sure his family were very clear about what happened to your invitation but HE didn't relay it properly. Were you clear with him about why you'd moved your Xmas around?

Carrying things on with him depends on how much you're prepared to 'train' him in communication really.

It's your BF who's been unkind, in full knowledge of how you'd rearranged Christmas and then choosing to leave you alone on Christmas evening, but still wants to come round late evening for his xmas shag. I don't think his family are the problem, it's him!

Great response from the OP. I don't think this is the bloke for you.

They are tier 2

You think it’s naive to imagine DC would have a reasonable expectation that they would spend Christmas Day with their mum, when that was the plan until two months ago and has been what has happened previous Christmases?

Why in earth would they expect anything else?

It’s not naive for children to expect mum to prioritise them over a short term relationship and if they don’t have those expectations then, frankly, there are bigger issues.

Personally I think they just wanted to spend it as a family. You've only been together six months, and they probably didn't want it to be awkward with you there. You're putting a lot into something that's been happening six months tbh.

Op, I think you'll be fine without this bloke. You sound kind and thoughtful but possibly a bit naïve, if I may say so.

Scenario 1
His family uninvited you and he did not communicate properly with you because either he finds it difficult to or he doesn't care enough to

Scenario 2
He told you that you were uninvited when he hadn't actually invited you or mentioned it to his family. He knew that it wouldn't happen cos of Covid or he changed his mind after being too spontaneous. he did not communicate properly with you because either he finds it difficult to or he doesn't care enough to.

There probably are more scenarios are but my takeaway is that he is either terrible at communication and lacking emotional intelligence OR he views you more as a lover than a partner.

You know him, Op, we don't. But I would be thankful he'd shown you who is just six months in. I think you can do better by being on your own than with this guy.

Good luck and happy New year

@sproutsofwrath

Thanks internet - I can always rely on you to be brutal but honest :-)

I'm in tier 2 so could have gone on Christmas day and been within the rules for mixing re: households - which is why I'm a bit baffled really. Can only assume they didn't want me there i.e. don't like me.

It is difficult being a single parent - sometimes it's hard to have some adult time. The kids had a nice time with their Dad in the evening so they weren't put out.

I love my children - and yes on reflection I probably shouldn't have made plans like that on Christmas Day - I won't again.

Lesson learned!

As for the BF - I guess we'll see what happens - going to have some time to myself for a while and reflect on life.

Just wondering if getting on with in laws is always this tricky.

Will have better boundaries next time, when it comes to new relationships.

I’m really impressed with this. You should win an award for answering all of our grief with such grace. So rare.

You’re obviously a really good person and mother.

"Ask BF later what's going on? I thought we had plans?
He seems oblivious to the fact I've been uninvited.
...
Told him I'm having a few days to myself as I think his family have been unkind to uninvite me.

He agrees with me that he didn't think it was a nice thing to do and can understand why I'm upset."

He doesn't 'understand' AT ALL! He's just making soothing noises to keep you on board for future 'cuddles' (bleurgh). If he was any sort of a decent human you'd have known in advance that plans had changed and why, not been left hanging until the last minute. That's truly shitty behaviour on his part. As is the possibility that you were never invited at all? By the host that is, not your boyfriend.

"BF has posted a massive thing on facebook saying what a nice day he had at his brother's (without me).
No photos or post about our Christmas Eve together being nice."
Heed it well - he has (unconsciously) revealed what is important to him, and it's not you.

Your bf chose his family over you knowing you were on your own having in a way chosen him over your children that evening

Honestly I’d dump him

He doesn’t see your relationship as serious and you’re not important to him. You’re a shag.

Dump him OP. And don’t have a boyfriend spending time with your kids or being made so important so soon again, it’s no good for any of you.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion the invitation was rescinded because his family don’t like you.
Maybe BF got his wires crossed and didn't firm up arrangements properly? Hence his brother being vague when dropping off gifts.
Numbers may have been awkward because of Covid regulations.
If so it would have been better that they told you, rather than leave you hanging.

Fancy BF still hoping to come round for a 'cuddle' later, pushing his luck.

At most she missed 4-5 hours with her dc, not the crime of the century.

The bfs family were rude and unkind. I. Would rethink that relationship as he should have stayed with you knowing what you had given up to be with him and leaving you on your own.

Why don’t you and your ex alternate Christmas each year? I’m sure he was delighted to have them for Christmas evening/night. Maybe from now on you should just swap it around.

Thanks Mums!

Very helpful responses - an objective opinion is always useful with this sort of thing.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

I know I'm ready to forget 2020!

Your boyfriend does not sound a nice person. Leaving you sat on your own while he parties down the road then expects to just drop in for a shag. What a twat. If they didn't want you there they could have given you enough notice to make plans of your own. I don't believe for a second your boyfriend was 'oblivious' to you being uninvited. If he thought anything of you at all he would have spent Christmas night with you.

You shouldn't be going to your Bf's brothers house anyway. Breaking the rules. Only allowed on Christmas Day and not even then if you are in tier 4.