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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited for Christmas

142 replies

sproutsofwrath · 26/12/2020 12:50

AIBU?

Feeling a bit cross.
Invited in early December, by boyfriend of 6 months, to go round to his brother's house on Christmas evening for drinks and nibbles.

I'm a single parent and have shared care of my children.
With these plans in mind I:

  • Cooked an early Christmas dinner for myself, boyfriend and kids on Christmas Eve.
  • Made arrangement for the kids to go to their dad at 4pm on Christmas Day (they normally go on Boxing Day)
  • Bought really nice gifts for all of boyfriends family.

A couple of days prior to Christmas I gave gifts to BF to give to his family, so they could put under their tree for the morning.

The next day his brothers appears with gifts from them.
He says "Have a lovely Christmas!"
I say " Yes - looking forward to seeing you on the day"
He says "We'll see what happens"!!
I say "Right, Ok thanks for the gifts"

Ask BF later what's going on? I thought we had plans?
He seems oblivious to the fact I've been uninvited.
He says it because of coronavirus - but me and BF are in a support bubble, so we wouldn't be breaking any rules by going.

I don't make a fuss because its Christmas - but he still goes that day to his brother's.

They only live up the road, so I face-time him on the day - hoping they'll invite me up for a drink, but they don't and its awkward on the phone.

I sat on my own on Christmas evening feeling a bit upset.

BF came back later that evening and asked if he could come and 'cuddle' - I said no as was feeling a bit upset to be honest.

BF has posted a massive thing on facebook saying what a nice day he had at his brother's (without me).
No photos or post about our Christmas Eve together being nice.

Told him I'm having a few days to myself as I think his family have been unkind to uninvite me.

He agrees with me that he didn't think it was a nice thing to do and can understand why I'm upset.

He says his family do like me and want to meet up another time, but I feel too awkward to do so now.

Also upset that I could have had the Christmas Day Evening with my children.

AIBU to be upset by this and to refuse future invites?

OP posts:
Rainbowx · 26/12/2020 14:01

Yabvu to drop your kids like that they come first not him and that's ALWAYS not just on this occasion.
He is also vu but its only 6 months and clearly showed u what he is really like LTB and learn your lesson for next time!!

Justmuddlingalong · 26/12/2020 14:03

@HCPor my point is exactly how I explained it.
OP made the decision to send the kids to their dad's a bit earlier, so she could spend time with her boyfriend of 6 months and his family. Those plans fell through and she's now miffed that she could have spent the evening with her kids instead. Had the get-together gone ahead, there wouldn't have been an issue. But, as she was on her tod, it is now an issue. Am I being clear enough in making my point now @HCPor or are you failing to understand it because my opinion differs from yours?

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2020 14:05

Fuck me, only on MN could people start questioning the parenting of a woman who allowed her children to go to their father’s a couple of hours earlier than originally planned.

OP, the brother’s response to saying you’d see them on the 25th makes me think that his family weren’t even aware your BF had invited you and that he never said anything just uninvited you himself but allowed you to think it was his family who didn’t want you to come.

I’d bet they didn’t even know.

As for the judgemental twats on this thread, ignore them. Yes, you made different plans and it went wrong, but you just need to move forward from that now and question whether this is still the relationship you want to be in.

HCPor · 26/12/2020 14:08

[quote Justmuddlingalong]@HCPor my point is exactly how I explained it.
OP made the decision to send the kids to their dad's a bit earlier, so she could spend time with her boyfriend of 6 months and his family. Those plans fell through and she's now miffed that she could have spent the evening with her kids instead. Had the get-together gone ahead, there wouldn't have been an issue. But, as she was on her tod, it is now an issue. Am I being clear enough in making my point now @HCPor or are you failing to understand it because my opinion differs from yours?[/quote]
As clear as mud, given that you have deliberately missed the point of the OP. Hmm

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/12/2020 14:09

@Cocomarine We are not discussing your issue here are we? OP clearly packed off her kids for a man she met barely 6 months ago
She prioritised a man over her 3 kids
And is then sad that she was alone

FirstTimeTryer93 · 26/12/2020 14:10

I don't see the problem with the kids spending Christmas evening with their Dad. His family invited her to Christmas and she then was subsequently uninvited for no reason at all and then the boyfriend decided to go along leaving her on her own. She is allowed to be upset. I feel like you're all jumping on her back because the kids went to their DADS, what exactly is the problem with that? He is their Dad. People are going on like she left them with a babysitter. That doesn't mean she chose her boyfriend over her kids 😒 OP I would be so peed at him. Doesn't seem like a very nice boyfriend.

elizabethdraper · 26/12/2020 14:11

Shock you dumped your children on Christmas day to spend time with someone you barely knowShockShockShock
Your poor childrenSad

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2020 14:13

So where do we draw this line of judgement? people don’t judge parents for sending their kids off to the grandparents for a couple of weeks so they can flit off on holiday do they? Well I do but not everyone does. But people judge someone for allowing their children to be with their father for a couple of extra hours, on Christmas, when they would receive more presents, just because she wants to see her BF and maybe, just maybe, have the chance of a bit of adult conversation in the middle of a pandemic.

And haven’t we all thought at some point that it’s a shame we did/didn’t do something in a different way when plans change?

Also, I’m sure the kids would love the idea that them spending time with their father is thought of as “being packed off/dumped/ditched.” He is their father

But I hope the people on here judging the OP have never gone out for a night and left the kids with anyone, or gone away on holiday without the kids.

PegasusReturns · 26/12/2020 14:14

@AlternativePerspective

Fuck me, only on MN could people start questioning the parenting of a woman who allowed her children to go to their father’s a couple of hours earlier than originally planned

It’s not the sending to the father as much as making it plain that she had something better to do. To the extent that Christmas dinner was served up the day before.

If that doesn’t send a clear message about who mum prioritises I have no idea what would.

Lockheart · 26/12/2020 14:16

Presumably all the people who think the OP "dumped / ditched / packed off / sent away" the children to their father also describe any parenting done by their partners as "babysitting".

Original poster
sproutsofwrath · 26/12/2020 14:17

Thanks internet - I can always rely on you to be brutal but honest :-)

I'm in tier 2 so could have gone on Christmas day and been within the rules for mixing re: households - which is why I'm a bit baffled really. Can only assume they didn't want me there i.e. don't like me.

It is difficult being a single parent - sometimes it's hard to have some adult time. The kids had a nice time with their Dad in the evening so they weren't put out.

I love my children - and yes on reflection I probably shouldn't have made plans like that on Christmas Day - I won't again.

Lesson learned!

As for the BF - I guess we'll see what happens - going to have some time to myself for a while and reflect on life.

Just wondering if getting on with in laws is always this tricky.

Will have better boundaries next time, when it comes to new relationships.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/12/2020 14:19

I would imagine if it was the dad who'd posted this thread, the responses would be unanimous in their condemnation of him.

Dontbeme · 26/12/2020 14:20

I sat on my own on Christmas evening feeling a bit upset.BF came back later that evening and asked if he could come and 'cuddle'

He knowingly left you sat at home on your own, they called around later to get his dick wet? You are more invested than he is OP, bin him. Learn and move on.

PegasusReturns · 26/12/2020 14:21

@AlternativePerspective

I draw the line where it’s a special occasion.

Would I go out for dinner and leave my DC with a babysitter? Absolutely. Would I go out for dinner and leave DC with a babysitter if it was their birthday? Absolutely not.

Would I go away for a weekend leaving DC with their father? Absolutely. Would I go away for that weekend if DC had an important sports match/music exam? Absolutely not.

My starting point would be do my DC have a reasonable expectation that in these circumstances I would spend time with and prioritise them? If the answer is yes, and Christmas Day it most certainly should be their expectation then that’s where I draw the line.

Lillygolightly · 26/12/2020 14:21

OP as far as I’m am concerned as long as your DC were happy to go off to their dads having had a lovely Christmas Eve and morning with you I don’t begrudge you some nice adult/DC free time to spend with your BF.

That being said, I think it most likely it was your BF who uninvited you, not his family though he has clearly let you think that this is the case. I just fail to understand that knowing you had arranged to be child free so that you could spend this time with HIM and his family that he would just leave you sat at home alone, if it was indeed his family who uninvited you!!! If I were in his shoes and that had been the case I would have said sorry but GF made plans to be here and I’m not going to leave her on her own, I may have agreed to pop in for a quick hello/Merry xmas drink but would have made sure I was back to spend time with my partner (who had arranged to spend that time with me!!!) he was very rude/uncaring not to do this!!

I can’t really speculate as to why you may be been uninvited, but the fact you were and that this is what happened would be a big red flag to me. If he can’t put you first and think of your thoughts and feelings at this early and exciting honeymoon stage of a relationship, then he is never going to do it, and I would be thinking very carefully about that and I what I want and deserve for the future.

Mydogissnooring · 26/12/2020 14:21

@HCPor yes, he should have told her. He’s a coward. I’m just saying it’s probably not because the family don’t like her.

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2020 14:22

OP, do you think though that they actually knew your BF had invited you?

If I’d been meeting a member of my family for Christmas night and they’d announced they were bringing a GF with them, I would probably have said that I wasn’t comfortable with it because of the figures as they currently are etc. It very unlikely to be any reflection on what they think of you. They probably either didn’t know BF had invited you, or said no when he mentioned you were coming and he didn’t have the guts to tell you he’d never actually run it past them in the first place.

rookiemere · 26/12/2020 14:22

People have become nervous since the announcement of the new strain a few days ago.You may be in a support bubble with your BF but that doesn't mean you aren't an additional person with DCs who have been presumably been going to school.
If your BF is kind and caring in other ways then I would chalk this one up being a coronavirus issue.

Original poster
sproutsofwrath · 26/12/2020 14:22

BTW - I also had Christmas dinner with my children on the day - they went to their Dad's in the evening, as I'd been invited and was then subsequently uninvited to BF's brother's for drinks.

I wouldn't be without them on the day.

The question really was whether the BF's brother's family had been unkind - not whether I should be judged as single parent.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2020 14:22

I have no issue with anyone getting child free time and no I dont consider a father looking after his own dc as babysitting
However, OP said herself that she sent her dc to their Dads early to spend time with a new boyfriend and his family who she doesn’t know.
That is definitely prioritising him over her Dc and it did backfire

Clymene · 26/12/2020 14:23

They're not your ILs. You've known this bloke five minutes!

PegasusReturns · 26/12/2020 14:23

OP can I just say I really admire your response.

Posters, me included, have been blunt on this thread and your reflective post indicates you’ll be fine - although I would stop thinking of the family of a short term boyfriend as “inlaws”.

Enjoy the break.

AlwaysCheddar · 26/12/2020 14:25

Seems like your bf didn’t want you....

notanothertakeaway · 26/12/2020 14:25

I think OP is getting a hard time for arranging for her kids to go to their FATHER a few hours early

I'd bet BF's family were concerned about socialising with non family, which is fine, but you should have been told. And maybe nice if BF had suggested you spend Christmas Day evening together

Sorry, but I think he's shown where you are on his priorities

jgjgjgjgjg · 26/12/2020 14:27

What Tier are you in?

And why do you think you can form a support bubble? Does he live alone and see no one else apart from you?