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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Lovebug06 · 17/04/2021 20:47

I've followed this thread but wow I did not ever expect that.

Your poor son.

I hope the police do something and let her parents know what she is doing too, she needs serious help.

Meadowlands1 · 17/04/2021 20:54

hopefully you have spoken to the police by now. Hope you are okay.

KarmaNoMore · 17/04/2021 20:55

Jesus OP, what a bloody nightmare! I was hoping it wasn’t you when I saw the thread. Don’t step back, report to the police, your son is going to hate you for a while but, handing him back to her on a tray is never going to be the solution, if you remove yourself from the situation she will find something else to torture him about, she is the kind of psycho that can drive him to hurt himself.

Treemama · 17/04/2021 20:58

Omg she's a psycho. If she's like this at 15 years old, imagine when she's an adult... she"ll kill someone Sad

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 17/04/2021 21:03

Thanks everyone, reading the messages of support has been such a help.

It's 6:00am here and I've been awake for a while, I think I had 4 hours sleep and i woke up shaking and crying.
The next few days/weeks/months are going to be so tough, the toughest we've ever been through.
We do have support in our lives but it's been nice to be able to come here, away from our 'normal' lives and chat and get some different opinions.

I will keep updating until this nightmare is over Sad

OP posts:
Russell19 · 17/04/2021 21:07

You will get through this OP and so will your DS. Flowers

tickingthebox73 · 17/04/2021 21:10

@workworkworkugh

Thanks everyone, reading the messages of support has been such a help.

It's 6:00am here and I've been awake for a while, I think I had 4 hours sleep and i woke up shaking and crying.
The next few days/weeks/months are going to be so tough, the toughest we've ever been through.
We do have support in our lives but it's been nice to be able to come here, away from our 'normal' lives and chat and get some different opinions.

I will keep updating until this nightmare is over Sad

I think I'd be on the phone to the police before your DS wakes up... I suspect he may try to stop you as he'll be worried about the consequences.
Notaroadrunner · 17/04/2021 21:21

Make sure he is still in bed, and not gone to hers.

saleorbouy · 17/04/2021 21:32

Oh she sounds like a bunny boiler in the making.
He needs to understand that someone needs to love everything about you not that they need to manipulate and mould you into the person they want to love.
I hope he gets some perspective on this relationship soon.

Parsley1234 · 17/04/2021 21:40

Wishing you fortitude and resilience I have been reading from the beginning I hope you are all ok

ConstanceGracy · 17/04/2021 21:41

Really hope you and your son find a way forward without this girl in your lives .
Also really hope she gets the help she very clearly needs !

saltedcaramelchocolate · 17/04/2021 21:45

So sorry to read this. This girl has some serious issues and it must be devastating to see your son caught up with her manipulation.
I really have no advice for you but I think you are doing the right thing by taking the phone.
It sounds like he hasn't spent any time apart from her except to sleep. Without her constant contact he may start to see things more clearly.
Stay strong about going to the police and check if it is possible to get some sort of restraining order to prevent her from contacting him.
Flowers

TinaTurnoff · 17/04/2021 21:49

Such a distressing thread, and awful that things have come to this. You are a family with a crisis now, and I am not saying this to alarm you but to ensure you take this as seriously as possible. His phone - put it in a drawer away from him. This is time for the adults to act. She is not to contact your son again. Her parents need to be informed, in person. Keep him off school if you can. Escalate the threats to the police. I wish you strength Flowers

waitingforthenextseason · 17/04/2021 21:57

Please please please go to the police.

It's bad enough your son can't see he's in an incredibly controlling, abusive relationship with a bully, but to demand that he kill you for her...

He needs to be separated from her permanently. Even if it means moving at this point.

ripprincephilip · 17/04/2021 22:00

Wow

Haffdonga · 17/04/2021 22:04

Would it help your ds to read a bit about being in a relationship with someone with Emotionally Unstable/ borderline personality disorder. Not to armchair diagnose her (frankly whatever her problem is is not the issue) but to give your ds a few tools to help himself. I wonder if it would help him to know that it's recommended to set clear boundaries and make himself and his own mental health a priority.

An example article here:

www.verywellmind.com/understanding-romantic-bpd-relationships-425217

Flowers
Cloudyview · 17/04/2021 22:04

I would take him away from the school they both attend. Yes, going to a new school at this stage in his education will almost certainly affect his grades, but some things are more important than that and this is one of them! If he has to he can always repeat a year, or have a break before returning to education. If he harms you or himself, there may not be any second chance. I would hope that he wouldn't hurt either you or himself, but he is so under her spell, he could do something crazy. Please take care and get the police involved as soon as possible.

Figgygal · 17/04/2021 22:14

Bloody hell op your poor ds she sounds utterly unhinged
Send the screenshots to her parents for sure

1busybee · 17/04/2021 22:18

💐

thefishthatcouldwish · 17/04/2021 22:20

Omg op I remember this thread from before. How awful for you and your family.

Adreinnesarmy · 17/04/2021 22:26

I’ve been reading this thread as a mum of teens with increasing horror. Please, please call the police. She needs help and should be nowhere near your family. I keep thinking of this case from a few years back which made my blood run cold - this tale has definite echoes of it metro.co.uk/2020/04/06/twilight-killer-lucas-markham-told-former-classmate-wanted-kill-girlfriends-mum-chilling-murder-12516176/

flowerbombVR · 17/04/2021 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeforanewnameagain · 17/04/2021 22:38

@flowerbombVR RTFT for goodness sake!

PinkPomeranian · 17/04/2021 22:39

Hope you have managed to speak to the police by now, OP. 💐 Is there anyone at the school you can email? You need as much support as you can get, for yourself as much as for your son.

whataboutbob · 17/04/2021 22:42

FWIW it sounds like she has a personality disorder. If she has, she won’t be able to accept how unreasonable her behaviour is, and will take any disagreement/ criticism as a huge threat. Just as you have already decided, your behaviour form now on should solely be about protecting your DS and yourself. Stuff trying to help her.

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