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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 17/04/2021 17:33

Keep his phone, report her to the police and ask his best friends to come over to support him. Do some activities like walking, beach day, cycle and give him lots of your time.

Roadtohades · 17/04/2021 17:34
Flowers
FilthyforFirth · 17/04/2021 17:35

Jesus. Yes to restraining order as hopefully this would force her to change schools. What an absolute psycho

Slayduggee · 17/04/2021 17:39

I hope you manage to get in contact with the police in the morning.

Can you also speak to a solicitor and see what they advise.

I would consider finding some trauma counselling for your son.

Also, is it possible to message the school and arrange for them to be kept apart all day and only mum and dad allowed to pick up and drop off. Would it be possible to switch schools?

I would advise no phone if possible so that she has no way to abuse him.

muffb · 17/04/2021 17:55

Glad to hear you're going to speak to the police OP. Don't blame yourself- you weren't to know it was going to take such a nasty turn. Hope all goes well in the morning Thanks

BlueDahlia69 · 17/04/2021 17:59

@FilthyforFirth

Jesus. Yes to restraining order as hopefully this would force her to change schools. What an absolute psycho

Another agreeing with a restraining order.

Safety is paramount.

user1481840227 · 17/04/2021 18:01

Hi OP,
I am so sorry that you all have been going through this but hope that this is the beginning of the end for all of it.

You mentioned his sport a few times, do you or does he have a good relationship with any of the coaches or older teenagers in that sport? I wonder would it be possible to somehow arrange something where someone at his club that he admires/looks up would take him under his wing for a bit and do some extra training or something like that, perhaps even with a few of his friends, some kind of team building things or something like that?

LaganinaBubble · 17/04/2021 18:02

Oh my! Your poor DS ☹
I really hope that you all get the support you need from the police and the school.

RuggerDownHere · 17/04/2021 18:11

@workworkworkugh no one could have predicted how much she would up the ante when she was losing control over him. Flowers

You mentioned his sport a few times, do you or does he have a good relationship with any of the coaches or older teenagers in that sport? I wonder would it be possible to somehow arrange something where someone at his club that he admires/looks up would take him under his wing for a bit and do some extra training or something like that, perhaps even with a few of his friends, some kind of team building things or something like that?

I think that is a good idea, keep his mind occupied with the things he loves, surround him by his friends and absolutely call the police and inform the school.

Ellmau · 17/04/2021 18:14

The latest update is really alarming. Best wishes, OP.

Icancelledthecheque · 17/04/2021 18:14

Holy crap OP, that was a tough read.

DS17 was in a similar relationship... she demanded his siblings phone numbers and rang them if he didn’t pick up straight away, wanted to be with him all the time, threatened to harm herself if she didn’t get her own way, etc etc. Really intense and I was genuinely scared she would get pregnant to trap him. Fortunately DS saw the light after three months because he saw for himself what she was doing and didn’t want to be taken away from his hobbies on her say so. That was 18 months ago and he hasn’t had a relationship since, I think it’s put him right off!

At this point I would keep his phone and block her on all social media etc so he has no access to her. He is a child living in your house so he has to stick to your rules and until she’s disappeared that should be non negotiable. If she makes threats like that, or it escalates, then as well as the police you could look at whatever the AUS equivalent of a restraining order or protection from harassment order is to keep her out of your life permanently.

Hats off to you, you’ve got that patience of a saint. I hope you’ve had some support from getting it out here.

MazDazzle · 17/04/2021 18:43

I remember this thread from when you first posted and have only just read the updates.

Stay strong OP. Make sure you definitely report to the police and the school. Could you involve his friends so that they can support him?

bossyrossy · 17/04/2021 19:17

Could you get some of his friends to have a word with him? They are probably missing his company too, and he might listen to them rather than his parents.

Bear65 · 17/04/2021 19:18

@user1481840227

Hi OP, I am so sorry that you all have been going through this but hope that this is the beginning of the end for all of it.

You mentioned his sport a few times, do you or does he have a good relationship with any of the coaches or older teenagers in that sport? I wonder would it be possible to somehow arrange something where someone at his club that he admires/looks up would take him under his wing for a bit and do some extra training or something like that, perhaps even with a few of his friends, some kind of team building things or something like that?

This is great advise from @user1481840227. Hang in there, and look after yourself too.
GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 17/04/2021 19:29

@workworkworkugh

I had to argue to get the phone off my son, he refused to give it to me and I'm not proud of how I acted to get it (demanding) but I'm glad I did, there's so much more and she's telling him he's not allowed to talk to me as I'm a 'snitch' etc.

I'm so glad I insisted, as much as he hates me for it, this ends now. I have taken his phone off him for now, until this issue is sorted, he cried and was so distressed about it.

He's finally asleep now so he doesn't know of our plans to speak to police etc tomorrow. I will be notifying the school as soon as it starts back on Monday, DS is refusing to go and that's fine, I'll take as much time off work as I need to be with him (DH too).

I have the screenshots on my phone. I only have the ones from today so god knows what has been said before now but the ones I have are bad enough, I'm literally sitting here shaking having just read through them again.

I know some people think we should have stepped in much sooner, and they might be right but we handled as best as we could at the time. But now, I won't be holding back, no more protecting her. She needs help and she can't get the right help without people knowing the truth.

"She needs help and she can't get the right help without people knowing the truth."

Absolutely... how explicit are the threats made against you? Does it warrant a restraining order?

SheenMcQueen · 17/04/2021 19:35

I mentioned an intervention upthread and I still think this might help. You are doing your best but at the moment, everything is 'against his will'. You need him to come around, and at that age, I think he will listen to his friends before he listens to his parents.

It's likely that they are worried for him, missing their friend and can see that GF is a psycho (in the true sense of the word) and I am sure that if you approached them and shared where you've reached, you could - collectively - get somewhere. Ideally they would take him away for a weekend. Obviously you don't want it to feel like an ambush, but if it has to be - then so be it.

Call his friends.

TheMamaYo · 17/04/2021 19:38

Good heavens! I thought she sounds extremely disturbed, and rather dangerous. But bloody hell.. this is terrible. Does your son now finally sees the truth? Wishing you all so much strength to handle this going forward. Restraining order, and never leave your son alone with her again.

Buttonfm · 17/04/2021 19:57

I've just read a book called "Dangerous relationships and how they end in murder" by Jane Monckton Smith. (ex police)

In it she says that if someone is taking about suicide or death they may have a "very final view of the situation" and this can be "highly dangerous".

Her book describes eight stages of controlling behaviour that lead to homicide if an intimate partner. Now that your son's gf is talking about killing you so they can be together, she is at stage seven.

Stage eight is homicide and/or suicide.

I'm sorry OP but I believe that not only is your son in a controlling, abusive relationship, but I am worried that his life is in danger. She is unable to let go of him and this situation has so many red flags it's scary.

Please keep him safe, read the book I mention if you can and make sure the police and school take this very, very seriously.

orangecinnamon · 17/04/2021 20:02

That must have been a terrible shock for you @workworkworkugh. You are doing the best thing , the parents need to step up and help this girl. She needs to be distanced from your family as much as possible.

I know you are probably asleep but Flowers

Peachee · 17/04/2021 20:20

She seems extremely insecure and immature imo .. I think he needs his eyes opening to this .. he can then decide whether he wants to be in this relationship or move on as things won’t get better until she gains some confidence and independence .. I agree that conversation and advice on establishing healthy boundaries should be had so he can see that he is allowed his own time to relax and carry on with his hobbies without her ..

Bathmatt · 17/04/2021 20:22

Bloody hell OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Good on you for going to the police. Hope it all works out Flowers

IPeedInThePool · 17/04/2021 20:27

Oh my god keep his phone for a few days! Police ASAP as well Flowers

Luckymummytoone · 17/04/2021 20:31

Oh my how awful 😞
Hope you get some support tomorrow from the police. Hugs x

FelicityPike · 17/04/2021 20:38

I remember reading this thread at the beginning. Wow it’s getting sinister.
Good luck with the police.

GettingItOutThere · 17/04/2021 20:42

holy shit that latest update has taken a turn

police/school etc involve everyone and yes i agree i wouldnt be letting him out of your sight.

move anything out of the house too. knives/ropes etc

that girl needs help