My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

I have reported my comment and asked for it to be removed.
Apologies.

@flowerbombVR read the bloody thread. 🙄 🍪

Hi OP, just wanted to say good luck with the police this morning. They may be able to issue a DVO against her straight away.

This sounds like an actual nightmare. I hope she gets the help she needs and your son sees her for what she really is.

Another one crossing fingers for this morning and wishing you and your family all the strength you need in the next few days. I think it might be a little after 8 your time so guess you may be getting ready to phone or whatever.

I really liked your choice of phrase "this stops now". Well done.

Very best wishes.

Well done for acting and protecting your son. Good luck with the police and the school

Do you have a good GP you could talk to? They might be able to talk your son and suggest some supports for him. It's very clear he's in an abusive relationship and maybe having someone from outside his immediate family point that out might help him see it. He sounds very much trapped in the cycle of abuse.

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Wow, definitely report her, the girl's potentially dangerous.

Hugs and please keep us updated. xx

Once the police are dealing with this I agree on asking the sports coach or someone similar who your son trusts, to talk to him about the situation.

OP - have you thought about contacting the mobile phone provider to see if there is any way to recover deleted messages? Just thinking it might be useful in case she tries to describe it as a one-off incident that "won't ever happen again".

It sounds like a bizarre thing to say but it's almost good that this has happened. She's a controlling abuser and the longer your DS was with her, the more damage was being done. By becoming so extreme, it's enabled you to get the evidence to show others what she's doing, and also to get your DS away from her.

I've followed your thread and you sound like the loveliest, kindest mum ever who's tried so hard. We're all supporting you and your boy.

@ExhaustedFlamingo

OP - have you thought about contacting the mobile phone provider to see if there is any way to recover deleted messages? Just thinking it might be useful in case she tries to describe it as a one-off incident that "won't ever happen again".

It sounds like a bizarre thing to say but it's almost good that this has happened. She's a controlling abuser and the longer your DS was with her, the more damage was being done. By becoming so extreme, it's enabled you to get the evidence to show others what she's doing, and also to get your DS away from her.

I've followed your thread and you sound like the loveliest, kindest mum ever who's tried so hard. We're all supporting you and your boy.

not bizarre at all... its a very good idea

Bloody hell what a scary situation. Sympathies to you!

I think, hope, that when you’ve talked to the police you will feel loads better. The act of passing this information on to the authorities, will change the whole dynamics. Make sure you lay it on and don’t hold back and say that you think your child is ‘vulnerable’ and mention the concussion. That should help them see that your son needs support and get them to take it seriously.

It sounds as if your son isn’t so far gone that he is actively hiding all from you, so she might have gone to extreme control / scary level, but he hasn’t gone to extreme hide all from you level. As people said, keep it that way by barring all access to the internet, phones, medication and make sure your doors are secure. Keep a really close eye on him. Like people said, maybe go away, or get a trusted mate of his to visit him. Be normal with him, it’s just security and safety now until he takes it all in. Don’t expect too much from him or yourselves, just cosy down and let the shock run it’s course.

You will be OK and your DS will I’m sure really learn a lot about abusive relationships and hopefully never again make this mistake. Good in a way he’s had this whilst living with you, not fresh in Uni on his own or something.

Bloody hell OP, that's escalated. We have a family member going through the exact same scenario except for the last bit. The mum has lost her boy to this psycho and it's now been 3 years. I feel for you.

As others have said, her escalation will hopefully be the beginning of the end. I dread to think what you're going through right now but he will feel so responsible for her emotions as she has literally put them on him for so long. So appeal to his care for her - this is so harmful and unhealthy for her. If he loves her as much as he says, he needs to step back and let adults handle it. He's not mature enough to handle this sort of breakdown and she will end up so damaged. Of course we know she's already bonkers abusive, but it might help him deal with the guilt she has piled on him for so long.

Good luck!

Sending you support and the best of luck

This is so disturbing. Can I also suggest discussing the latest development with the school and in particular, the school principal? If you are keeping them apart outside of school, the school need to be aware of it in case they try to take the day off together.

I really hope your son was horrified by her suggestions.

Just read all your updates as I haven’t been on this thread since early March. I hope you ring the police before your DS is awake. She is a psychopath and needs psychiatric help. Your family needs a restraining order to keep the abusive psycho away.

Although it’s horrific that your DS suffered concussion and the psycho sent all those scary messages, at least you have written proof of her psychopathic controlling behaviour. The police will hopefully help your family make steps to end this nightmare.

Police and a restraining order. The police will also be able to retrieve earlier messages, even if they have been deleted.

Hope you’re ok OP

@PurrBox

Make sure he understands that the only chance he has to have any say in whether he has a child is when he puts a condom on. He needs to understand that once she is pregnant, he has 0 control over whether he becomes a father, and 50% responsibility for the child.

Otherwise, unfortunately he has to be the one to realise he is being controlled and abused. You can subtly and tactfully help him to make that discovery, perhaps.

This x 100. It would be my major concern.

How awful for you and your son I really hope the authorities are supportive of you, that she gets the help she needs and that your son and you get to be able to enjoy life again once this all settles what a tough situation

I hope you get the support you need from the police (and school). It’s horrifying, but actually, she may have played into your hands by explicitly going crazy / threatening, rather than the subtle control which is harder to pin down and prove. I think you’ve done brilliantly throughout. It’s a very tough situation.

OP