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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
LoveIsAllThereIs · 17/04/2021 15:43

I should have read your updates before posting. I take it all back. She is something else. Asking him to kill you is shocking beyond belief. Wishing you strength, he will thank you one day

sykadelic · 17/04/2021 15:55

I would keep his phone, and turn off the wifi or change the password to stop him faltering. Someone needs to stay with him, or take him somewhere, simply to keep him out of his own head. Ask him if he wants to invite friends over to play Xbox or something.

I know you're kicking yourself right now, but you shouldn't. The fact that your son was able to identify her moods instead of being totally loved up all the time is bc of you and your husband. You didn't try and normalize the behavior. You were reasonable and gave him some freedoms without nagging. He felt comfortable enough to talk to you from time to time.

Good luck with the police. It's probably going to get worse. She's going to claim he was abusive to her. She's going to say you were (she already has) and that you said stuff in calls so people couldn't hear. She's super manipulative and I'd encourage only talking to the police and allowing them to gather evidence. She's probably blowing up his phone/snapchat as we speak. Have your phone ready to record anything she sends.

Theworldisfullofgs · 17/04/2021 16:03

I think you are doing the right thing. This girl needs help and this might prompt it.

You have been incredibly patient and I hope it works out well in the end.

Still1nLove · 17/04/2021 16:03

Omg, your poor son

BootsieBarnes · 17/04/2021 16:25

I would ask for a restraining order as well when you contact the police, for you and your son. Then the school have to take it seriously.

You did the right thing taking the phone off him. I agree you need to change the WiFi password so he can't sneak onto social media.

This is so very serious now, you need to protect yourself and your family.

What did your son say regarding the instruction to kill you? surely he would have thought 'hang on that's my mum your talking about!'.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/04/2021 16:26

Wow. What a complete nightmare. I thought my 16 y/o live life was toxic!

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 16:28

The restraining order is a food idea.

She’s obsessed. Her parents won’t help because time with your son is time that don’t have to spend with her. They will be getting a hard time and want to smooth things over.

You are doing the right thing.

rainbowlou · 17/04/2021 16:34

This sounds so awful.
I hope you take his phone to the police so they see the messages not just your screenshots.

Saltyslug · 17/04/2021 16:37

It’s a bit weird our mentioned the mums age

Put some boundaries in so that his life balance is normal and healthy. Explain why the boundaries are being put in place.

I’d suggest meeting 4 times a week for a maximum of 6 hours each time - days and times to suit him and his girlfriend. Best if regular days and times. He can tell her that these boundaries are there so that he can have a better balance seeing you, eating together, doing sport and seeing mates alongside spending quality time with girlfriend. Explain to son that you think his girlfriend seems nice and that it’s nothing personal

If there’s any push back and he is under pressure suggest the girlfriend or mum talks to you. Be firm

SycamoreGap · 17/04/2021 16:46

@Saltyslug

It’s a bit weird our mentioned the mums age

Put some boundaries in so that his life balance is normal and healthy. Explain why the boundaries are being put in place.

I’d suggest meeting 4 times a week for a maximum of 6 hours each time - days and times to suit him and his girlfriend. Best if regular days and times. He can tell her that these boundaries are there so that he can have a better balance seeing you, eating together, doing sport and seeing mates alongside spending quality time with girlfriend. Explain to son that you think his girlfriend seems nice and that it’s nothing personal

If there’s any push back and he is under pressure suggest the girlfriend or mum talks to you. Be firm

I think they may be beyond this.
BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 16:46

RTT - dear me

BootsieBarnes · 17/04/2021 16:47

salty its moved on a bit, the girlfriend is messaging the boy and suggesting he kills his mum. This relationship needs to stop, now.

Unhurried · 17/04/2021 16:47

Saltyslug

Read the thread ffs

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2021 17:02

This is so terrible workworkworkugh hoping for the best solution.

BlueDahlia69 · 17/04/2021 17:04

@Saltyslug

It’s a bit weird our mentioned the mums age

Put some boundaries in so that his life balance is normal and healthy. Explain why the boundaries are being put in place.

I’d suggest meeting 4 times a week for a maximum of 6 hours each time - days and times to suit him and his girlfriend. Best if regular days and times. He can tell her that these boundaries are there so that he can have a better balance seeing you, eating together, doing sport and seeing mates alongside spending quality time with girlfriend. Explain to son that you think his girlfriend seems nice and that it’s nothing personal

If there’s any push back and he is under pressure suggest the girlfriend or mum talks to you. Be firm

Jesus Christ RTFT

IrishCharm · 17/04/2021 17:04

Oh dear I’ve been where you are and thankfully we’re out the other side and it’s a distant memory!
I had to put my foot down and become the bad guy - long chats with my ds about compromising and insisting a certain amount of time was spent at home, doing his own hobbies/work etc
Explain to him that you are doing this to help them both and it will in turn help their relationship as they need to learn to trust and be independent from each other too - I would have said anything at the time tbh.
Eventually he broke things off even though he was heartbroken but he couldn’t take it any more.
I hated seeing him hurting but had to be supportive and tread very gently in my approach x

Saltyslug · 17/04/2021 17:06

Ignore my message. What a nightmare! You’re doing all the right things. Helping him reflect and going to police

Boboparadise · 17/04/2021 17:10

I'd boot that right out of town. Not pc however get this crackpot away from your son. Good luck

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2021 17:10

OP if your son is talking about suicide can make your home as safe as possible. It's not easy I know but sometimes we have to do all this. Our child is suicidal and we've had to do this for a couple of years. There will be lots of info out there on how to make your home as safe as possible. I really, really hope the police can help.

Looks like only Tasmania has Coercive control laws but the fact one state has them should give some leverage and the police should understand what is going on here.

www.abc.net.au/news/2021-02-12/coercive-control-criminalise-nt-domestic-violence-laws/13096102#:~:text=Tasmania%20is%20the%20only%20Australian,to%20Tasmania's%20Women's%20Legal%20Service.

CoraPirbright · 17/04/2021 17:14

I think the restraining order is an excellent idea. And dont let anyone fob you off - police, the school, anyone. And totally by-pass the batshit mother. Get the dad involved and give him every tiny detail of what his psycho offspring has been up to. Get your son’s mates on board too - they did say that they were worried about him so I am sure would want to come around and provide comfort. Good luck OP.

Branleuse · 17/04/2021 17:14

I think I would have to tell my son that if he was too blind to see that anyone that would even suggest that he killed his own family, is clearly 100% fucking scarycrazy, then you have no idea what to even tell him anymore

Saltyslug · 17/04/2021 17:16

Ask him to read up about abusive relationships.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Milliepossum · 17/04/2021 17:16

OP, you need to call the police and remove any form of contact she has with your son.

I think you are legally obligated to immediately inform the police of her suicide threats and especially her inciting your son to kill you. Having it in writing is immensely useful.

Please call the non-emergency police number in your area. It doesn’t matter that it’s 2ish in the morning. They will discuss it all with you and then contact your local police who will decide what to do next. Don’t contact her family. I expect she has now moved into criminal law territory beyond breaching domestic violence laws. If your local police decide to wait until the morning then that’s their decision.

And yes, I know exactly what this is like and the fear and hesitation, please call the non-emergency number now.

19lottie82 · 17/04/2021 17:21

Would you be able to take your son away for a few days (or as long as possible), to give him some distance between him and miss crazy? (After speaking to the police, of course).

Milliepossum · 17/04/2021 17:22

The concussion is another worry, I really hope you have better news soon OP