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Original poster

When is a "normal" age to lose your virginity?

407 replies

goosefats · 25/12/2020 22:28

Name changed because this is something I would not like to follow me around on here, if you please Grin

I was having a little Xmas Zoom call with one of my female friends this evening and we got a little drunk on our (individual) Pinot Grigios, and things started getting a little personal. We began talking about our first times, to which I told her I had sex for the first time at 15. She immediately had a "Shock Oh my GOD, Goosefats!" response which I thought was a little mad as I figured that was a normal age.
According to her, it was far too young and I'm wondering what the general consensus is?

Obviously it's a personal choice, just to preface! I'm just curious as to what age you think is appropriate and what age you'd have a strong response to Grin Relatively light-hearted thread, and please be kind to my friend, she's salt of the Earth but relatively sheltered (bless her heart!). x

OP posts:
EttaG · 29/12/2020 21:27

Under 16 is statutory rape. So I guess around 16-19?

WunWun · 29/12/2020 21:28

@EttaG

Under 16 is statutory rape. So I guess around 16-19?
Right, because so many teenagers are thinking about that fact.
HibernatingTill2030 · 29/12/2020 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HibernatingTill2030 · 29/12/2020 23:12

Apologies- read the post completely wrong. Have reported my post to be removed.

oblada · 29/12/2020 23:34

I'd expect average to be 15-16 tbh.
For me it was 13 but I probably should have waited a bit more to be fair.

Brainwave89 · 29/12/2020 23:34

@vdbfamily

If the power pressure to have sex means you have sex just because everyone else is making out it is another not to them that is not a good reason for someone who in their heart of hearts would prefer not to be having sex. If the peer pressure for a religious person comes from thinking sex is wicked and the sky will fall in your head if you do, then that is also wrong but for me, I genuinely believed, and still do, that only having sex with someone who was committed to spending the rest of their life with me, was a positive thing and that I did not ever wish to have sex with someone who has not made that commitment, I personally think that is a positive reason and the fact that I was surrounded by siblings, cousins and church and youth group friends making the same choices helped because there was no feeling of being abnormal if you were not sexually active at age of 16/17
I see your point and I agree that this kind of celibacy can be enriching for some people. For others though it could be deeply constraining. Particularly if someone is gay or does not want to have sex with just one person. I have come across people who have developed some serious mental health issues through pressure not to express their sexuality. All of the great closeness and support from an evangelical church goes away as soon as someone stands up and says they are gay.
CherryBlossomTree7 · 29/12/2020 23:36

At my school, I remember there were a few girls who first had sex at 13 and 14. And a few (not many at all) who had sex at 15. I remember one girl who said she wanted to lose her virginity before she was 16, get it out of the way, so that's what she did on a sofa at his house with another couple doing it on the other sofa.

There were a lot of girls who left school and sixth form (so 16 and 18 years old) who had not had sex. I'm still friends with a lot of them now and I can think of three women I know who are virgins still. They are 28 and other two in their 30s.

Nothing is 'normal'. Do what you want. Have sex with who you want, or don't have sex if you don't want.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 30/12/2020 10:46

Bottom line is nobody should be made to feel bad about having sex/wanting to have sex/not having sex/not wanting to have sex by the people around them. There isn't a single right or wrong way to go about it, there are many right ways and many wrong ways. IMO as long as there is love, informed consent and commitment, it's fine. Ideally I'd like both parties to be over 16, but nobody is going to prosecute two 14-year-olds and there is nothing to be gained for society from doing so.

Sex is a natural human need and we need to be more sensible and less uptight about it. If nothing else, more openness would allow more opportunities to talk about it and more chances for people in exploitative sexual relationships to see that they do not have to be in that situation.

Saxineno · 30/12/2020 12:35

According to my nephew who was having sex at 13, everyone in his circle was sleeping with everyone else!

I'm late 30's and this was a shock to me.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/12/2020 19:48

@EttaG

Under 16 is statutory rape. So I guess around 16-19?
I don't think it's called statutory rape in England and Wales, just sex with someone under the age of consent. There are much harsher penalties if the underaged person is under 13.
Wearywithteens · 30/12/2020 19:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

jessstan1 · 30/12/2020 20:44

CherryBlossomTree: I remember one girl who said she wanted to lose her virginity before she was 16, get it out of the way,
.........
I did that, I was so flipping scared of it I thought if I managed to get it out of the day, it would be a relief. I suppose it was in a way but was not a particularly pleasant experience and I wish I had waited until I understand things better.

There is no 'correct' age, all depends on the individual.

Skysblue · 30/12/2020 21:18

Between 17 and 20 is the usual.

15 is too young to accept the risk of unintended pregnancy - no contraception works all the time etc.

YouShouldLeave · 30/12/2020 21:24

I’m 34 and never had (and hopefully never have to) sex.

I am touch, and kind of sex, repulsed asexual though.

We’re all in our own jorney here....

MeadowHay · 30/12/2020 21:36

Me and DH were 18 and had been in a relationship with one another basically since we first met about 4 months earlier. I think this is a 'typical' age but I think 'typical' is massive though, probably say 14-21ish? Lots of PP on here assuming most people go to uni not being 'virgins' (hate that word I must admit), but I knew many, many people at uni who had never had sex before, and many who had never had any kind of vaguely sexual experience before either for that matter. Also I know/and always have known lots of people from diverse cultural backgrounds where marriage is not common prior to marriage so I continue to know a large number of people in their twenties & thirties who are single and have thus never had sex.

Noranorav · 30/12/2020 21:52

At my school the range was 14-18...14 was considered young (ie by peers, parents had no idea) and 18 was definitely on the older side of the range (me!- and basically it meant you were single through sixth form or not prepared to 'lose it' round the back of the bike sheds with a random! Lovely times!). 15/16 was average. Y11 at school, so makes sense ie in that year you start turning 16 from the September onwards. Not many in our year that were in relationships waited for their 16th (in fact the opposite, if in a relationship wanted to lose their virginity before their birthday). This was 20 years ago though so no idea if times have changed.

YouShouldLeave · 30/12/2020 22:01

”I prefer “gained womanhood” as a positive interpretation."

🤢

Gwenhwyfar · 30/12/2020 22:11

@YouShouldLeave

”I prefer “gained womanhood” as a positive interpretation."

🤢

Yes, that's really awful, terrible message to give young girls and a pretty awful thing to say to adult virgins as well. That poster backtracked afterwards.
Sarahandduck18 · 30/12/2020 22:17

Of my friends 2 were 14- casual non joyous encounters, one ‘waited’ until her 16th birthday then went crazy with lots of unsuitable boys/men.

One, raped at 17.

Two at 18 one LTR one a rel of a few weeks.

A couple in their 20swhen they gave up on waiting for ‘perfect’ and did it with randoms.

Probably 18 on average. That should probably be the age of consent imo

Scbchl · 30/12/2020 22:19

15ish I'd say

Merryweather80 · 30/12/2020 22:27

I was 15. Wish I hadn't but most of the girls in my year had said they had lost their at 14-15 (Catholic school) I'm not sure if that makes a difference.

There were a few of the very quiet shy girls who didn't talk about it -so not everyone?
My partner/boyfriend then was 17 and at the boys school at the bottom of the hill to the girls school I was at. This was 1994.

Dp was 20. Very nervous teen always quiet, not one to mingle. We met 5 years ago.

Merryweather80 · 31/12/2020 01:09

I know we were all more scared if the nuns or our parents finding out about sexual experience than about contraception, pregnancy and STD’s. So in hindsight, yes far too young and immature. Two girls did become pregnant, one in year 9, the other in year 10. They disappeared and didn't return. No one knew what had happened to them for a long time. Eventually, they were both seen with prams.
Feeling, emotions and maturity were not discussed. Only that you were going to hell if you had sex before marriage. We all knew this wasn't the case, so blindly just bowed to peer pressure. Upper-middle-class parents and school/ upbringing.
I'd like to hope my children wait and have a more positive experience and are mature enough to feel they can approach me if they have questions etc

I also dislike the term ’lost virginity’ but I don't think you gain anything either. Certainly not womanhood or manhood. We're we sluts or just woefully uneducated?

I wish I had waited until I was 17. I had met the most wonderful man. Also the emotional maturity and contraception (by this point in my life I knew existed).

StarlightLady · 31/12/2020 05:21

I was responsible for the term “gained womanhood” on this thread. I acknowledge my language use was poor. But my key emphasis was to show my dislike of the term “lost virginity” which, first of all, is a negative.

I was fortunate in as much as there was nothing negative about my first time and l have gone from being a sexually active teenager to my 40s with a sex positive outlook. Mum was very much a feminist and l’ve been calked a “skirt wearing feminist” whatever one of those is.

Negative attitudes, double standards and anti-female language such as “slut” can cause hang ups for years. Yes, l’ve been calked that before. Secondly if something is “lost” you can find it again.

MrsFluffyMuff · 31/12/2020 08:42

I agree @StarlightLady, I really dislike the term 'lost virginity'. The first time I had sex I lost nothing. It makes it sound like there's something missing forever now, or that you aren't 'whole' anymore.

In other cultures they hold virginity in such high regard, girls are killed if they are found not to be virgins. Based on a small piece of skin that can break during sport etc. And by calling it 'lost' virginity it perpetuates the idea that indeed you are altered or damaged after sexual activity.

I agree 'gained womanhood' is perhaps not the best term to use instead but it's miles better than lost virginity.

StarlightLady · 31/12/2020 08:54

@MrsFluffyMuff - Thank you. “gained womanhood” was poorly chosen, but it was written at the spur of the moment. In my view, society as a whole would benefit from not having such words as “lost virginity” in its language. Let’s base more on the need for consent, the right to say no as well as the right to say yes, and less on loss. The latter does not lead to assertive women.