To expect a proposal by now?

[Allispretty]

Bit of background...been with DP 5 years we've travelled about a lot to lovely cities places a proposal would be lovely, Paris, Venice, Barbados etc. I've always said from the beginning how I feel about being married and it's really important to me. We have a house together and living as a married couple so why won't he propose? We have enough money so that's not the issue. I'm 33 now I didn't want to be a nearly 40 year old bride, every year I feel like he's going to and it doesn't happen, is this a sign he just doesn't feel like I'm the one?

You know adults can just have a conversation about these important things. If a proposal event was such a big deal wouldn’t be doing it either. Marriage is about so much more.

Could you ask? I asked my now husband. It was nice. He said yes and we were married within a year. My sister also asked her now husband. They’re both quite shy men and we are both very un-shy so it made sense to be that way around. It seems very outdated to me that it always has to be the male partner doing the asking.

Have you discussed it?

You need to talk to him. Proper sit down talk. It’s one thing saying you want to be married but if it’s a dealbreaker - is it? - then you need to say so.

My husband never proposed as such. We sat down and talked about it, set a date and got married a couple of months later. I’d have found it embarrassing to sit around waiting for someone else to decide something so important for me.

You've said how you feel about marriage, but does he feel the same way? You could have asked him to marry you.

Honestly a lot of men need it really hitting home to them that you are not willing to leave it.

Most men regard marriage as meaning children will be among imminently. A lot basically want to put off that responsibility as long as they can get away with.

Talk to him about the realities of your fertility- at 33 now, you cant really be waiting another 5 years to marry (sorry I'm assuming you would prefer to have kids after marriage).

A LOT of men literally dont get it that women biologically cannot wait as long as men to get married/have kids/generally get on with life

I already have a dc he's taken him on as his own we don't want any more we've spoke about it a lot and he knows how I feel...I actually had a sulk about it as he's going on a big holiday next year for a friend and I said it's another year we are not likely to get married...thing is I hate this feeling now I wanted it to be natural I do t want it to be forced

If it was really that important to you, you'd have asked him. Stop being so feeble and ask him to set a date together

How can I approach it without sounding like an entitled bunny boiler

I don't want to ask him though...I know I sound pathetic but I like the idea of being proposed to sound stupid I know...

Sometimes you just have to make it clear you aren't prepared to wait around (and can't if you want children before being married) In the end I said to my now DH I loved him enough to marry him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never be married

Lots of people can be someone's girlfriend/partner but only one person (or 2 I guess if you pick wrong the first time!) can be someone's wife. I deserved to be that person to someone and if I wasn't that for him then we should let each other go.

I also made it clear - no wedding ring no babies. Which at 33 is more time critical of an issue for you? I deserved to have someone marry me for me not because I was the mother of their children and because it seemed like the right thing to do

Within the year we were engaged

Why are you waiting around like some sort of jane austen heroine?

You’re grown ups. Tell him you want to get married so you start booking things or you walk.

It’s not bunny boilerish or entitled. It’s making a decision.

If you want the whole proposal shit then you have to resign yourself to waiting around for it. Is that what you want?

Maybe he doesn't see the need if you aren't planning any more children. You need to ask him. Does he definitely not want a child or is he just pleasing you. Most men do want children eventually IMHO.

Just tell him you have something to discuss. Say you've been together for a long time and you would like to get married. You don't want a big fancy proposal, but you've always been honest about wanting to get married, and you want to start making arrangements. That should lead you into discussing the sort of wedding you each might want and being able to look at venues and set a budget. It doesn't have to cost a fortune.

I'm only saying that because my fiance thought I wanted a huge proposal and he kept putting it off because it was too much pressure. I just wanted to be able to tell people we were engaged and start planning the wedding.

I don't know what to advise but I wouldnt have moved in together without this conversation. I would talk to him after christmas seriously.but enjoy the Christmas and New year period. He might be too comfortable as he is.

If you can't have a conversation about a fundamental part of your relationship it doesn't bode well that this is the right relationship. It's 2020, take control and sit down and discuss it like adults.

My XH made it clear he needed to be the one to propose. It finally got to the point where I felt like if he didn’t propose I needed to move on with my life. He proposed because he knew otherwise I was done.

In retrospect, I can say if your life is nice and stable and you’ve been living together for a year or two and he doesn’t want to get married, you should probably just move on.

I think you need to decide what is most important to you - being with your DP or being married (whether to your DP or not). Then have a clear conversation with him, state what you want, and get him to give you his honest opinion on what he wants. You may or may not like the answer - but you won’t know until you ask

I don’t think talking about what you want makes you a bunny boiler.

I was clear with my DH from the start - this is what I want for myself etc. Life is too short

If he asked you, would you think he sounded like an entitled bunny boiler? Or would you just agree, set a date and get married?

You day 'where do you see this relationship heading? Is marriage something you see for us?' And then you evaluate the answer.

To be honest if you can't speak to someone about this kind of thing, it doesn't bode well for a great marriage. Talk to him

I was in exactly your position. We discussed it at length and it wasn't off the table but he wasn't 'ready'. I absolutely didn't understand it. Same as you, living together, been together for ages, I knew he wanted to be together and have kids etc. He was very clear how I felt but we were just in different places where marriage was concerned at that point. In the end I realised that his decision to propose or not was not something I could control. The decision I could control was whether being with him and remaining unmarried was more important to me than the being married part ie. was marriage in itself enough to make me walk away and find someone else who did want to marry? For me that decision was easy as I'd been dead set against marriage until I met him.
Of course it might not be the same for you, but when I made my peace with that I chilled out a lot and as it happened a proposal was not too far behind.

If he wanted to he would. he doesn’t want to.

Also, if you aren’t married I would get financials drawn up asap. Wills, pensions, living arrangements etc should one of you die.

Who is more financially stable? Bear in mind if you do marry, unless you make a will stating otherwise, everything goes to your husband. That could leave your kids with nothing as he can then leave your house and everything else to his brother or the cats home.

If you don’t marry, your kids will automatically inherit all your assets.

Marriage isn’t always the best idea, especially if you have kids and/or assets from a previous relationship.

*say